Thursday, December 7, 2006

The Island of Unfit Teams

Every year, while the rest of the NFL is huddled around the hearth of success, counting their trophies or awaiting the bounty of more to come, representatives of the teams that have never experienced the heavenly ardor of the Super Bowl meet at an undisclosed community outreach center to commiserate and swap tales of woe. KSK was able to get a transcript of the annual Summit of Shame, with the Lions, Browns, Jaguars, Cardinals, Texans and Saints.

King Millenracer: A team is never truly happy until it experiences the warming, glowing, warming glow of a Super Bowl appearance. And a person is never happy until they have the absurd job security that I have to derail my team every season despite the wishes of its fans.

Charlie Frye in the Box: I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Elway raped me in the '80s, Modell raped me in the '90s, then went to the Super Bowl with Baltimore. And the fucking Steelers won it again last year. Parity, my ass. It just crushes me every year to wake up in February and not be part of the most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day of the ye-

Buzzsaw with a Beak: Okay, great. Where the fuck is the coffee? How am I supposed to stay awake through this namby-pamby support group pussytalk without some of that gourmet shit Seahawk brings every year? Where is that asshole anyway?

Millenracer: Weren't you paying attention last year?

Buzzsaw: What? Oh, no. I usually tune out around Week 6, depending on when our bye is. Hurts less that way.

Charlie Frye in the Box: Well, yeah, they made it. The Seahawks went to the Bowl.

Buzzsaw: No shit? Well good for him. Glad that asshole is doing something productive with the two wins I give him every season. How'd he do?

Millenracer: Mmmm, not so good, I'm afraid. I called him afterwards and he muttered something about the refs and it kind of got ugly from there.

Buzzsaw: I hear ya. Fucking refs, always keeping us down. Everytime I'm about to turn it around and go on a winning tear, I lose a game to the fucking 49ers or something - all because I commit, like, 13 penalties or some shit. Put it in yer ear then yer rear, you damn zebras.

Patron Saint of Losing: Hey, don't look now, fellas. I'm 8-4 and atop my division. This my year. I can feel it in my fleur de lis. I'm the sentimental favorite. I even got Kornheiser making impassioned narrations of the travails about my city's fans before my games. And not just because I suck Manning balls.

Buzzsaw: Uh-huh, yeah, sure, pal. I think even I've won more playoff games than you have. Be sure to bring more gumbo next year. And try to have fewer body parts in it, huh?

A Texan You Can Mess With: If I could cut in for a sec, uh, I mean, why do I even have to come to this thing? I haven't been in league for more than five years. I mean, the Lions and the Browns, those are some fucking losers. But me, I still have time.

A Wire That Doesn't Jiggy: Same here. Okay, so I haven't tttteeeechnically gotten to the Super Bowl yet, but I've been in striking distance a few times, in only 12 seasons. And I've had a winning record in seven of them, ferchrissakes.

Charlie Frye in the Box: Bully for you, Jag Hag. Millenracer and I have each won four NFL Championships, back in an era when pro football was real football, meaning it was barely relevant.

Patron Saint of Losing: And let's be honest: your quarterbacks are, respectively, David Garrard and David Carr. Fine guys, I'm sure, but let's just say you can count on coming here the next few years at least.

Millenracer: Losers, losers - let's be civilized here. We may be the laughingstock of the league, but it's the finest sports league in the world. We're all worth at least eight pathetic hockey teams and four shitty baseball teams, and maybe three of four basketball teams, I'm not up on the figures. For that, we can be thankful. That, and revenue sharing. Give us your money, winners!


Leonard Peltier said...

Falcon that can't fly: I once felt the warm glow, but then the little boy put me in the closet and never played with me again. Plus, on Christmas Eve I solicited an undercover police officer in downtown Miami for oral sex. Sadly, I haven't flown since.

Signal to Noise said...

I imagine the Patron Saint has Archie Manning's head, for some reason.

JoSCh said...

Shawne Merriman raped me. Just thought I'd kill this thread proper.