Friday, January 5, 2007

January is the Cruelest Month: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 3rd seed -- Indianapolis Colts (12-4)

KSK Exclusive Obtained Document: The first 15 scripted plays for the Colts' offense for tomorrow's game against the Chiefs. How do we know it's legit? It was found in the liner notes of a Kenny Chesney CD left outside the Colts practice compound. Also smells of Gaultier's Classique.

Play 1 - 1st and 10 from Colts 32: Dump pass right to Ben Utecht for six yards.

Play 2 - 2nd and 4 from Colts 38: Play-action cross pattern to Reggie Wayne. Broken up by Patrick Surtain.

Play 3 - 3rd and 4 from Colts 38: Ricky Proehl's deceptive speed shows itself neither to be "deceptive" or "speed" as Peyton overthrows him. Punt.

Peyton begins pouting, shaking his head to a metronome beat two minutes into Chiefs' 13-play eight-minute opening drive. Makes sure camera is trained on him as LJ plows over Cato June for a touchdown. Conspicuously mouths "they scored" as NBC cuts to commercial break with montage of past Colts meltdowns.

Play 4 - 1st and 10 from Colts 27: Slant to Marvin Harrison for 12 yards.

Play 5 - 1st and 10 from Colts 39: Fly route left deep to Reggie Wayne. Throw is out of bounds, incomplete.

Play 6 - 2nd and 10 from Colts 39: Audibles out of off-tackle run by Addai, play-action fakes, looks deep, is sacked for 5-yard loss.

Play 7 - 3rd and 15 from Colts 34: Just to show everyone how committed he is to the running game, calls a draw for Dominic Rhodes. Gain of eight. Punt.

Slumps onto bench, ignores persistent pleas of Tom Moore and Tony Dungy to run the ball. Curses fate and schedule makers for giving the Colts a Saturday playoff game, thus guaranteeing Eli's season is exactly 24 hours longer than his. Plans to browbeat Archie into complaining to the competition committee. Purses lips bitterly as Trent Green completes a 12-play seven and a half minute drive by throwing a touchdown to Tony Gonzalez. Now upset that he smeared his lipstick.

Play 8 - 1st and 10 from Colts 23: Down 14-0, things begin to unravel. Ryan Diem jumps before the play. False start, loss of five. At last, Peyton has found his scapegoat.

Play 9 - 1st and 15 from Colts 18: Hand-off to Addai up the middle for two yards. See! This running shit doesn't work.

Play 10 - 2nd and 13 from Colts 20: Peyton audibles three times at the line, pump fakes five times before laser rocketing the ball 20 yards out of bounds, despite replays showing Harrison breaking open down the other sideline.

Play 11 - 3rd and 13 from Colts 20: Marvin Harrison makes one-handed catch, breaks a few tackles, taking the ball deep into Chiefs territory, all on desperation throw into double coverage, just like Peyton drew it up. Gain of 44.

Play 12 - 1st and 10 from Chiefs 36: Out pattern to Reggie Wayne for eight yards.

Play 13 - 2nd and 2 from Chiefs 28: Takes a shot at the endzone. Harrison makes an amazing catch in the left corner, but only gets one foot in. Peyton draws head back in disappointment and makes face like it's Marvin's fault. Cris Collinsworth concurs, spends a minute gushing over Peyton's accuracy, is later anally raped by Peter King that night, though it proves ultimately unsatisfying because King constantly refers to him as "Big Romo Number 9" and "My Sassy Octoroon Scrambler."

Play 14 - 3rd and 2 from Chiefs 28: Inexplicably throws into the endzone again, this time with three defenders in the area. Pass is nearly intercepted.

Play 15 - 4th and 2 from Chiefs 28: "Most clutch kicker in history? Fuck that shit. Where did that get me last year?" Peyton calls obvious hook pattern for Harrison. Intercepted by Ty Law. Peyton throws arms up in disgust, only hopes cling to the chances that Eli throws more picks than he. Wonders if there is commercial potential in a squash game with Eli.



Unsilent Majority said...

eminently possible

Grimey said...

If only we could convince the producers at CBS to play the Incredible Hulk walking away music every time Peyton leaves the field after a turnover or fourth down.

4giantsfans said...

That's it!! I'm changing my screen name to "My Sassy Octaroon"

Anonymous said...

The only thing that sucks worse than the Colt's rush defense is that book. 'Choke' sucked. bad. Palahniuk got lucky with Fight Club

oh yeah, this post is scary accurate.

goto11 said...

Curses fate and schedule makers for giving the Colts a Saturday playoff game, thus guaranteeing Eli's season is exactly 24 hours longer than his.


Anonymous said...

Li'l Ronnie's looking for you, Ape. He says as soon he's done his homework you're gonna get it in the face, pow pow!

Captain Caveman said...

Choke is Palahniuk's best. Fight Club is a better movie than book.

However, real badasses know that Craig Clevenger is where the edgy shit is at.

Anonymous said...

Choke is the reason why I don't look twice at authors with inuit last names. Deus ex machina endings suck balls.

Yeager said...

Choke hands down is Palahniuk's best work.

Disagree with Play 5, however. Pass will be completed, but called back on holding.

Bender said...

Choke, Survivor, Fight Club-all quality works.

Everything else by Palahniuk-mediocre

Brigadier Pudding said...

Invisible Monsters is an underrated piece of work. It introduced me to feltching and for that it'll always have a small place in my heart.

Clevenger is the goods, CC. As is Will Chris Baer.