Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Prop Bets: The Last Refuge of the Stupid and Drunk

Welcome to a special mid-week edition of Always Be Covering. For some people the Super Bowl is more than a game between two teams they don't care about. For them it's more than an unofficial holiday, for them it's an opportunity to gamble away their great-grandmother's collection of 19th century anal beads. We are those people--our grandma rules.

Today we're taking a special interest in the great tradition that of Super Bowl prop wagers. Whereas traditional bets are a legitimate source of income prop bets are nothing but entertainment--terrifying yet potentially orgasmic entertainment. Every week of the NFL season you can bet on such props as Peyton's interception total (take the over!) what makes this week special is the opportunity to bet on the stupidest shit possible.

Let's take a look at a couple of the more unique Super Bowl props along with some I'd like to see (you can always play along at home, all you need is something to bet on and two willing participants--or one willing participant and an unconscious guy with cash sticking out of his pocket).

Yeah, this should go well.

Duration of the National Anthem as performed by Billy Joel: 1:44

This is the one prop bet that's caught everyone's attention, much to the delight Bodog.com. Face it, the only way to tolerate Billy Joel is to stare at a clock screaming "Shoe money tonight!" When it comes to wagering there are three possible outcomes:

1. The old bastard puts his own touch on the anthem but keeps it to a reasonable 90 seconds.

2. He's so fucking hammered by the time his cue arrives (sometime around 10:30 pm) that he starts singing mumbling Movin' Out halfway through. He finishes up a few minutes later.

3. He has a handshake agreement to finish in exactly 1:44 making every wager placed a loser. I'm already pissed at that asshole because I know it's going to happen.

Props I'd rather see...
a. Number of times I refer to Peyton as the "Uptown Girl": 1.5
b. Number of times I refer to Peyton as "That Bitch": 673.5

Who will have more: Dixie Chicks Grammy Awards vs. Peyton Manning Total Rushing Attempts

Peyton Manning hates those overrated bitches, you don't even know. One time they were backstage with Kenny Chesney and they told him he had fat thighs and a pitchy voice. When Kenny came home crying to Peyton it was apparent that their romantic weekend was ruined. It was then that Peyton swore revenge on triad the of rugmunchers. There will be no mercy.

Props I'd rather see...
a. Who will have more: Peyton Manning's audibles vs. Drew' bowel movements
b. Who will have more: CBS' sideline reports vs. Ape's beers

Prince will slip and fall off the stage: +1000

All things considered, those odds suck balls. Still, I might lay down the $5 minimum just in case. Imagine somebody retelling the story of Prince's epic fall at the Super Bowl, now imagine chiming in with "yeah, I made five large off of that." Admit it, that would be the highlight of your sad little life.

Props I'd rather see...
a. Prince's dick will slip and fall out of his pants: +2500
b. The Sex Cannon will impregnate Prince: +10000

Let's hear your prop bets in the comment section.


One of Many Lisas said...

b. Prince will be orally serviced on-stage by Janet Jackson: : +25000

c. Prince will be orally serviced on-stage by The Sex Cannon: +100

MDG said...

Who will have more: CC getting slapped at Penthouse Party vs. Mr. Irrelevant getting slapped at Media Party.

Who will have more: lbs. of weed smoked by UM vs. lbs. of nachos eaten by BDD.

WV: ibphohea - I be for hey

rock n rye said...

Sexy Rexy errant throwgasms: 5

Times Mushin Muhammed drops a pass because he was facing Mecca: 3

Times Ricky Williams tries to sneak on field wearing a Cedric Benson jersey: 4

Anonymous said...

Which will we see more of:
Colts throwing at Tillman
Camera shots on the Manning Family

Mike Terrill said...

Props I'd rather see...
a. Number of times I refer to Peyton as the "Uptown Girl": 1.5
b. Number of times I refer to Peyton as "That Bitch": 673.5

I'll take the over on both, UM.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Number of times I refer to Peyton as "That Bitch": 673.5.

You mean that fetus-headed bitch

One of Many Lisas said...

Which will be higher:

Paternity claims against Rextacy after his visit to South Beach


Video montages of Peyton Manning as a child crying like a little bitch during one of Archie's "voluntary" football games in the back yard shown during pre-game festivities

The Last Unitard said...

We'll have to wait a while to see how this one pans out, but it will be worth it.

The number of babies born in Dade County in October 2007 with creepy drawn-on-seeming eyelashes.

I'm putting it at 2500.

Smello said...

Which will happen first: Urlacher hits Peyton so hard that condom Kenny "lost" is finally forced out or Freeney hits the Sex Cannon so hard the eyebrows grow back.

The Navigator said...

Number of rubbers the Sex Cannon brings to South Beach: 0.5

I'm taking the under, Rexy doesn't use condoms.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Kenny Chesney replacing Jeff Saturday: 5000

Trader Rick said...

Will there be more:

Snaps by the Saturday Knight in Colts first offensive possession


Spins by Dwight Freeney in Colts first defensive possession

Otto Man said...

You mean that fetus-headed bitch

No, you mean that meatus-headed bitch.

Mike said...

- Number of times KSK commenters that will use "Sex Cannon" in a post between now and 2:30 pm Sunday: Over/Under - 550

- Number of lame Christy Brinkley jokes made simultaneously at Super Bowl parties in the first 5 seconds after Billy Joel is introduced: Over/Under - 3,452,739 (or 3,452,738 if I'm taking a leak at that point).

- Number that Rex will still trail Prince by in the "Most Ridiculously Hot Chicks Bagged in a Lifetime" category, even if he nails 400 in the next 5 days: Over/Under 1,000

Brando said...

--Tank Johnson goes Last Boyscout and pulls out a Desert Eagle during a fumble return: +750

--Number of people he shoots during the return: Over/Under 3

--White keyboard player from The Revolution shows up in his OR scrubs and wraparound shades: +500

--Number of commercials Peyton Manning films during halftime: Over/Under 12

--Shots of Eli Manning watching his brother: Over/Under 3,250

--Eli is filmed snickering when his brother throws and interception or gets sacked: +900

The Last Unitard said...

Prince says: "Fuck the halftime show, I'm making pancakes!"

save the steagles said...

Number of skanks trying to be caught on camera and become the next "fuck da eagles" girl: Over/Under 500

Number of those skanks Rexy cannonizes: Over/Under 499

jackin'4beats said...

Tank Johnson goes Last Boyscout and pulls out a Desert Eagle during a fumble return: +750

Now that's freakin' hilarious. I could absolutely see that happening.

Likelihood of Thomas Jones or Cedric Benson getting knocked out of the game by "How's it goin'" Bob Sanders. +500

+1 to anyone who can remember the reference to Bob's nickname.

HadesGigas said...

Number of times I watch this video


Over/Under 600

Unsilent Majority said...

hadesgigas, that was pretty fuckin' hilarious. Whacky bastard.

One of Many Lisas said...

hadesgigas, that was awesome.

List of Gay Bands, FTW!!!

Mike said...

That was hilarious. Anyone know if it's "real"?

insomniac said...

FYI, if you were to bet 5 bux on Prince falling at +1000, your winnings would be 50 dollars...Unless by "five large," you meant five 10 dollar bills.

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah i fucked up both ways. I thought it was 1,000-1, I wrote it as 10-1, and it's actually 100-1.

so to clarify it would be 5 to win 500.

The Mouth said...

looks like the sex cannon is getting some love somwhere thanks to this awesome blog - check out these SB props!
As its the cannon think i might take the over on all of them!!


the butler said...

Which will occur more:

'85 Bears References
GEICO Commercials with that annoying ass British lizard

Predominant color of Prince's outfit:
Pink 3/1
Purple 5/1
Teal 10/1
Puce 25/1

Odds that he'll wear a suit with variations of the Sex cannon's image randomly sewn all over it -

Dan said...

Hey that lizard is Australian. And he's got nothing on the Budweiser lizards. Now THOSE were super bowl commericals.

over-under field goals Vinatieri misses because the Sex Cannon is railing his girlfriend on the sidelines: 3