Wednesday, January 24, 2007

If Super Bowl XLI Were An Episode Of House

NOTE: If you don't watch House, check the first comment on this post for an explanation of each character.

Open on the pregame festivities at Super Bowl XLI in Miami. Peyton Manning and Brian Urlacher greet at midfield to share a handshake.

Peyton: Good luck out there today.

Urlacher: You too.

Just then, Urlacher starts vomiting uncontrollably. Peyton reaches down to make sure he's all right.

Peyton: Hey man, you okay?

Urlacher: I'm okay. Just some pre-game jitters.

Urlacher stands back up and seems all right. The ref comes in to handle the coin toss. Peyton gets the call.

Peyton: Hea...

Peyton drops to the ground in a full seizure while also choking, which is quite a twist because you totally thought Urlacher was the sick one. Archie Manning immediately has play suspended by the NFL, because his son shouldn't be deprived of the chance to play in the Super Bowl.

Archie: That's my son!

Cut to Princeton Hospital. House walks into Cuddy's office.

House: Hey, nice tits.

Cuddy: You're a real asshole. But you save lives, dammit. And secretly, I believe there's a vulnerable side to you that I'd like to have hot Jewish sex with.

House: Fuck you. Give me Vicodin, lapdog.

Cuddy: (rolls eyes, gives him 50 lb. bag of Vicodin) I have a case for you. Quarterback. Experiencing seizures and choking symptoms.

House: So what? Fuck him. (goes to leave)

Cuddy: But he didn't eat anything.

House turns around and is totally interested now. Cut to House's office.

House: Okay, so he's choking. His other symptoms include: (starts writing shit on a white board) seizures, hives, incontinence, pasty complexion, stuttering, arm spasms, and all the muscles in his neck appear to go slack when things don't go his way. Ideas?

Foreman: Could be lupus.

Cameron: Tests rule that out. Could be sarcodosis. (passes House a note that says, "I want the House Ranch Dressing, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. I want it on my face.")

Chase: Yeah, right! It's clearly pancreatitis!

Foreman: But we still haven't ruled out a brain tumor, virus, multiple sclerosis, axiomicardosis, foreskinosis, or some kind of other -osis.

House: Good point. Go break into his house illegally and look for shit. Because you're black and I find my own racism humorous.

Foreman: (rolls eyes, still does it anyway)

Chase: But all signs point to pancreatitis!

House: Then let's give him drugs for that and if he's fine, release him to his little football game.

The drugs appear to work and Peyton is let out of the hospital and flown in for the first quarter. He throws two picks and the Bears take a 14-0 lead. Suddenly, Peyton's eyes roll back into his head and he starts spitting blood. He's rushed to the hospital again.

House: My God. He's not getting better. He's getting worse.

Cut to commercial. Repeat the previous two scenes over two more times, substituting different incorrect disease treatments.

House: All right, everything we've tried has failed. And now his team is losing 47-0 and he's had the stupid game delayed three times.

Chase: We should run the tests again.

House: You're stupid. Are we sure there's no history of choking in his family?

Cameron: His dad says no way.

House: Yeah, well patients are lying little shits.

(goes to Archie)

House: You want your son to die, fuckhead?

Archie: Why, no one talks to me like that!

House: That's because you're too stupid to know you're being insulted. I patronizingly had my one black doctor (clearly the smartest one) break into your house and steal your game tapes. And guess what? You fucking blew.

Archie: (starts crying) But... the team around me...

House: ...Sucked because of you. We've got a medication that can treat him. Nice job endangering his life, fuckface.

Archie: (still crying) But he's not a choker! He beat the Patriots!

House: Pfft. I didn't watch that game. He's still a choking pussy in my book.

They medicate Peyton and send him back out. He throws five more picks and the Colts lose 67-0. At the end of the game, he has another seizure. Cut to commercial.

House: God dammit! Just when we thought he was cured, there were 15 minutes left in the show! Fuck!

Wilson: Maybe he has cancer.

House: Hey, fuck you. I bet your wife left you because you're a pussy.

Wilson: (sighs) This is what you do, House. You belittle everyone around you because you're too afraid to deal with your own inner demons. And if everyone else is a moron, then maybe you might actually have a speck of self-worth. But one day, it's all gonna come crashing down, and where will the people you love be then? Will you have pushed them all away?

House stares at his cane for a second.

House: Dude, you're a fucking homo. (Just then, something totally clicks in House's brilliant mind.) Homo, homo, homo...

House runs to Peyton's room.

House: Have you ever fucked a guy?

Peyton: What?! Never!

House: Don't lie to me, Golden Boy. Never taken up the ol' Saw Mill Parkway? Never visited the sausage factory? Never gone to the doctor for a meat lollipop?

Peyton: All right! All right! It was one time, with this amazing country singer. And maybe a couple columnists.

House: You moron. Don't you ever watch this show? You could've saved us all an hour!

Peyton: No, I watch nothing but game tape.

House: Dude, you're a fucking dork.

Peyton: I know. I know. (starts crying, will live but is emotionally destroyed forever)

House: Let me explain to you what happens when you get buttfucked by a columnist (the camera zooms into a computer animation of Peyton's colon, with little deformed sperm swimming around): Diseased sperm penetrate the lining of your rectum, giving all sorts of nasty little diseases.

Peyton: Yes, but which one do I have?

Cut to Cuddy's office.

Cuddy: Syphilis?!

House: All the symptoms match. So simple. Sort of amazing no other doctor with basic medical training couldn't diagnose it. Now let me get my hands on those major league yabahoes.

Cuddy: Ugh. Go away.

House: But there are five minutes left in the show. C'mon, man. I'm fucking crippled and shit.

Cuddy: No. We're gonna have a thoughtful, 5-minute montage set to "New Slang" by The Shins and you're gonna like it.

House: Fuck.

Cue montage.


NOTE: Here's another completely gratutitous picture of Jennifer Morrison. Note the clenched fists. You ain't taking her down without a fight!


Big Daddy Drew said...

Okay, here are the House characters in a nutshell:
House: Asshole doctor
Cuddy: Pushover boss who always wears low-cut shit
Wilson: Pushover best friend
Cameron: Hot, skinny pushover employee of House
Chase: Dipshit Australian pushover employee of House
Foreman: Not-as-big-a-pushover employee of House. Black.

Rusty said...

Wow. Spending this much time on House? You're more like Peter King than you'd like to admit. Why don't you spend today writing a post on why Manny Ramirez isn't worth $20M a year.

Billy said...

I believe the term you're looking for is "Satire"....

Marty said...

Drew, what an amazing post. You nailed the typical (overused) House plot. Brilliant.

Martha Van Bork said...

Coffeenerdness: Rusty sucks cock.

PUNTE said...

I was hoping that this was the episode where House finally nails Cameron. Still, awesome.

MDG said...

You had Flubby break into a Fox executives house and steal that script didn't you.

Smello said...

Are you sure BDD hasn't been replaced by AWESOM-O?

Captain Caveman said...

+1 PK Crowned My Ass.

BJ said...

Good Stuff. I don't think people can appreciate how difficult this must have been. Can't wait to see what show you come up for the Cumslinger.

Anonymous said...

so... where can i get me one of these 'fifty pound bag o' vicoden' you speak of?

Unsilent Majority said...

+1 smello

but where was adam sandler?

PUNTE said...

Winslow, I'm glad you finally made it to the party.

doug_plank said...

When did the Steelers' new coach become an actor on "House"?

Anonymous said...

i was told there would be punch and pie

Anonymous said...

hmm, I think I've seen this one

Steve said...

I have never watched a second of that show and that is exactly what I imagined it was like based off of the commercial teasers. Jesus tap-dancing Christ TV is predictable.

Hey, did anyone watch Heros on Monday night? It has the all the hallmarks of a hit show...NOTHING HAPPENS!

MDG said...

This post became about 400% better with the addition of pictures in particular the one of Dr. Cameron.

MDG said...

And you just upped it another 300% with the second picture of Jennifer Morrison.

DMtShooter said...

Dammit, BDD takes all the best ideas. Now, the only show parody that's left is the Mannings trying to sell their runner-up trophies on "Antiques Roadshow."

Archie: So, um, what'll you give me for it?

AR Host: Nothing. It's crap.

Archie: Fuck.

Anonymous said...

uh Drew,

why you posting pics of my girlfriend on the internet?

not cool dude. not. fucking. cool.

MemphisRaines said...

Wow - another superb BDD post. I love that even House thinks Peyton is a "fucking dork." Now if only we could have him accidently kill Eli...

MoonshineMike said...

jennifer morrison. yum. worth watching house perhaps.

Anonymous said...

Awesome, awesome post, BDD. Kudos. I'd say it nailed about 50% of all the plot styles on the show, right on the button.

Why only 50%, you ask? Because the alternative ending would be that one of the doctors catches Peyton and Kenny making out, and House uses this information as blackmail, to force Peyton to take some Radically Life-Endangering Medicine, which could kill Peyton if House isn't TOTALLY sure what the disease is.

You can save that one for Episode 2.

jessica rita said...

Mike Tomlin was on ER a long time ago, remember? They killed him off by having his suicidal ass jump in front of a train. In any event, I just hope he's a better football coach than he is a TV doctor.

And Jennifer Morrison is fine in that picture! ...way hotter than she's ever looked on the show. Pics like that just make me wonder what Maxim/FHM would make average girls like me look like.

Grimey said...


Trader Rick said...

Just noticed the tiny "Gosh darn it" in the photo. Why are you so upset, sweetheart?

jessica rita said...

Maybe because she's sweating and crammed in what looks to be a creepy basement corner?

Signal to Noise said...

Pure satire skills on display, sir, plus cheesecake.

I'd go for Cuddy over Cameron, but it's damn close.

Todd said...

No way, Cameron over Cuddy. Youth and energy over big cans.

Unknown said...

Perfect. This is why I've starting throwing things at the TV when watching House now.

I'd also like to challenge all TV showrunners to stop ending their shows with crappy montages set to crappier emo and actually do their jobs and write something.

And why hasn't House banged Cameron yet? She let that pansy Aussie into her beef curtains, why not the good doc?

Chucktastic said...

It sounds like House. But where is the tumor? There's always a tumor.

One of Many Lisas said...

Why is it that I can't get away from people talking about Peyton taking it up the ass these days? From Kenny Chesney, Tom Brady, a horse and now a columnist. Thinking about that man having the sex is really the last thing in this world I want to think about. Well, that and Rextacy showering South Beach with his love juices.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

No, no, no. Peyton is definitely a top, not a bottom. Unless he gets really drunk and passes out, in which case Kenny Chesney's able to reach, kind of like the ant fucking the elephant in that old joke.

Wow, can't believe I just wrote that.

Elaine said...

Actually, there's always vasculitis. What is vasculitis?

Vasculitis is a general term for a group of uncommon diseases that feature inflammation of the blood vessels. Or the cause of the problems when they don't know jackshit.

JMP said...

You forgot 'bleeding out the ass' as a symptom (aka. 'the symptom every patient had in season 2').

Also, the docs ALWAYS do a lumbar puncture.

still, nice job :)

Scylla said...

At what point does House offer Vicodin to Brett Favre and give anti-depressents to Barrett Robbins?

NDEddieMac said...

so if by gratuitous 2nd pic of hottie mcfuckslut you meant completely fucking necessary youd be correct. I also thought the post was good but fuck, shes good lookin

ilse said...

Peyton totally tops from the bottom.

The Redeemer said...

isn't wilson house's best friend?