Wednesday, January 10, 2007

You Gotta Keep Bawlmer Way Down in the Hole: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 2nd seed -- Baltimore Ravens (13-3)

This year's postseason is marked by a few boring teams: the Jets, Chiefs, Seahawks, Eagles, Saints and Chargers; a few painfully or comically flawed teams: the Giants, Bears and Colts; and even a few moderately to extremely irritating ones: the Cowboys and Patriots.

But there's one overwhelmingly contemptible in the bunch: these carrion crows of Bodymore, Murderland.

There's nothing redeeming about the city of Baltimore or its football team. Well, there have been some compelling TV crime dramas chronicling the tragic shittiness of the city. That about covers it. Okay, H.L. Mencken was pretty cool, but he's been dead for more than 50 years.

The majority of Ravens fans are from outlying white trash communities like Dundalk or Pikesville, and on game day they shutter the meth lab, don their purple camo and Unitas jerseys and pile into their souped-up Toyota Camrys and head to M&T Bank. Any permutation of "douche," "retard," common swear or homosexual slur doesn't do justice to the repugnance of Brian Billick. This team isn't full of petty thugs like the Bengals. Half the team belongs in PMITA prison.

I hate them especially this postseason for two principal reasons: forcing me to root against Steve McNair and for Peyton Manning. McNair is a perfectly decent guy who got screwed over by the Titans and the Ravens were just lucky enough to reap the benefits. As terribly as the Colts match up against Baltimore, nothing would make me to happier to view the devastation that losing to Colts in the playoffs would wreak on Ravens fans. The suicide rate in the city might actually top the homicide rate. Most likely, the Ravens will roll over Indy, boast how they pulled one out against the Chargers in the regular season, then get their asses handed to them in San Diego.

Fun fact: My favorite movie of all time is the Sum of All Fears. I know: Ben Affleck crappiness matched up with Tom Clancy retardery. But here's the kicker: Baltimore gets blown the fuck up by a nuclear bomb. I own the DVD and it's the only part I've watched since buying it. Still the greatest purchase I ever made.

Hollywood executives, if you'd like me to watch your movie, have Baltimore get destroyed by a nuclear bomb. It doesn't have to be a major plot point and you don't even have to spend the money for the special effects. Just have some character mention that it happened as an aside.

Here's a helpful example: Insert the following dialogue into an otherwise unwatchable movie, like, say, Code Name: The Cleaner.

Lucy Liu: [Lame joke about race]

Cedric the Entertainer: [Lame joke about sex]

Lucy Liu: Hey, did you hear? Baltimore was destroyed by a nuclear bomb.

CtE: Really?

LL: Yep. Wiped off the map. No survivors.

CtE: Damn. I'm gonna miss me some crab cakes.

LL: They tasted like shit anyway.

And voila. I'm shelling out $10 everytime.

Last spring, some guy wrote a bitchy column in some Baltimore newspaper complaining about all the Steelers fans in the city and ripping Pittsburgh. I wrote a lengthy reply making similar criticisms about Baltimore and assumed that would be the end of it. To the guy's credit, he wrote me back a frank and telling reply about a month later:

"Hey. Thanks for your comments. You're right. Baltimore has the most wimpiest sports fans in America, & I was born and raised here! Can you think of another city that allows fans from other teams take over their stadiums as they do here? It makes me sick that this happens. Quite frankly, why have a team here if the fans from other cities support it?

Yes, isn't it amazing that Baltimore thinks it's great to have the image of a low-class frumpy Highlandtown woman with a beehive as it's image? Speaks for itself, doesn't it? A big city with a small town mentality. Ridiculous."

Now, I'm sure in the months since he wrote this, this guy is singing a different tune, what with the Ravens sweeping my Steelers in dominating fashion. But the core message remains the same: the Ravens have fair-weather fans and the city is eminently worthy of your contempt.

Or at least mine.


Laser Rocket Arm said...

M&T is a great stadium, though. Very pretty when 70% filled with Steelers fans. All that black and gold against the purple seats ... nice.

Rob I said...

Letting the Ape write this preview is like letting a babyraper run your day care center.

Unsilent Majority said...

Pikesville is filled with chosen people. You must be thinking of Reisterstown.

regardless, best HG evar!

Josh said...

"most wimpiest"

nicely played, professional writer guy.

ACBOSTON said...

More sacks on Big Ben than points scored by the Steelers...over two games! Pittsburgh is the grittiest city in America, and I am from Bmore and live in Philly. Please take that as the Ike Turner backhand that it is.

doug_plank said...

That was not Ray Lewis I saw at the Whataburger in Mesa, AZ?

MoonshineMike said...

Baltimore sucks purple wangs from the mouth of its transvestite hooker population. and i like baltimore, but the ravens blow goats.

peytonloveskenny said...

I do not understand why the hell they have to wear those fucking ugly camo pants. My friend from school (who's from Baltimore and is a Ravens fan) has a pair, and they are just as ugly in person.

Unknown said... live in Pittsburgh. At least in Baltimore woman can be identified as such.

fallex said...

Those guys look like Grimace shat out the Village People.


Unknown said...


rar288 said...

Nice work CC I mistook you for BDD. Who the fuck cares about Baltimore.

nickbphat said...

i don't usually post comments but this is not the first time you have taken a dump on my hometown. i am surprised you are so good at waving your stupid towel in one hand while holding your smoking pipe in the other. isn't it too cold in pittsburgh to wear a lounge road and slippers to the game? because, you know, steelers fans are apparently known for their impeccable class and manners...except they're not. clearly someone else forgot to wear their motorcycle helmet too.