Saturday, January 6, 2007

Not Into Birds: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

NFC 3rd seed -- Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)

Ok, ok, we get it. Jeff Garcia is a big gay. His model girlfriend is more of a beard than Katie Holmes and Ashley Manning combined. It's all a bit much, really. The punchlines have oversaturated the blogosphere for years. Worse still, they're not really funny anymore.

But the McNabb gay rumors?


A few years ago, the Philadelphia Office of Tourism extended the twinkly olive branch to the homosexual community to get that gay dollar. Popular opinion states that this is how they were able to snag Garcia in the first place. But, is it a coincidence that it all came out, so to speak, during the last Eagles Super Bowl season? That new level of comfort for McNasty was all that he needed to get his team over the hump.

Mull it over for a moment: the overbearing mother, the too-precious relationship with a college sweetheart, the Super Bowl puking to keep his weight down, his dogs named Sinbad and Diego, his parakeet named Tudy.

Wilma McNabb's frustration springs not only from the fact that gays only eat soup if it's a bisque, it's that Garcia could not only take her son's team to a Super Bowl victory but may be the first gay ball-tosser to do it. McNabb had to nervously watch through the Kordell years, hoping the opportunity would still be there when her son would get to the top (Kordell's a bottom). Now Garcia is getting victories like they're on sale and Donovan is getting fat and out of style.

The whole "crucified" rhetoric takes on new connotations with the religious right with these new relevations, huh?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.


Unsilent Majority said...

That is the single greatest use of MS Paint I've ever seen.

The Eagle was done on MS Paint right?

Mr. B. said...

Now get the fuck off my television Tony Romo, you career backup who hasn't done shit. Your tears give me strength.

8hrdrive said...

Chiefs are out, now I'm rooting for Big Gay Jeff.

Unknown said...

For Bill Parcells I have two words:

Scott Norwood

Oh, the irony.

swing4 said...

Donovan thinks you have a nice cat, Ape.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Donovan has a kid (who unfortunately looks like him, I've seen pictures of her). So at least he had one good shot with a woman, unlike Peyton and Garcia. Either that or he did a Brokeback Mountain deal with the wife and did it from behind dreaming of Kordell Stewart.

doug_plank said...

Tudy? From the "Facts of Life"?

If he wasn't gay he would have named it Arnold or Willis.