Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A Dialogue Between Rex Grossman And A Cirque De Soleil Pregame Performer He Has Just Seduced

Jae Lao: Oh! Oh! Oh, Bob! (Rex has told her his name is Bob) You are not like the other men I have been sold to! You are different!

Sex Cannon: Goddamn right I am.

Jae Lao: Please, don't make me go back go back to the troupe! Last week I was beaten with a cane for the sin of individuality!

Sex Cannon: Well, what will you do for me if I save you?

Jae Lao: Oh, Bob! You are insatiable! We've already done it seven times!

Sex Cannon: Yeah baby, but you're the only chick I've ever met who can lick my balls while I'm fucking you, and that's pretty fucking sweet.

Jae Lao: But I am only 16! Perhaps we should go slower!

Sex Cannon: Baby, it's totally legal if you don't fuck like you're underaged.

Jae Lao: It is?

Sex Cannon: Of course. Now where's that trapeze swing of yours?

Jae Lao: Right over here.

Sex Cannon: Okay, what I want to do is use my penis and your legs to make a very long French braid.

Jae Lao: But Bob, I do not know if such a position is possible!

Sex Cannon: Well then, I guess you don't want your freedom. I guess you just want to go back to Mallomar.

Jae Lao: Myanmar.

Sex Cannon: Whatever.

Jae Lao: But what must I do?

Sex Cannon: Okay, I'm going to put you through what I call "The Gauntlet". I'll be honest. No girl has ever passed this test. In fact, three chicks died doing it. But make it through, and maybe I'll consider it.

Jae Lao: Okay.

Sex Cannon: Okay, so first: you know that thing where you walk on the light bulbs?

Jae Lao: Yes.

Sex Cannon: Well, I want you do that, but also while blowing me. And Orton.

Orton: I'm drunk!

Jae Lao: Okay.

Sex Cannon: And you know that thing where you wrap yourself up in a scarf way up high then unfurl yourself down to the ground?

Jae Lao: Yes.

Sex Cannon: I want you to do to that, except that you land on my dingdong.

Jae Lao: What then?

Sex Cannon: Then I want you to bang Colts' offensive coordinator Tom Moore, because I think it would look kinda funny.

Jae Lao: Okay.

Sex Cannon: Then I'm gonna strangle you with my penis. Okay?

Jae Lao: Oh... no! No, I cannot do it. It all just sounds so wrong!

Sex Cannon: But that's what makes it sexy.

Jae Lao: But what will my parents think?

Sex Cannon: Do you mean you want them to watch? Because that's kinda freaky. I like it.

Jae Lao: No, I will bring shame upon my family!

Sex Cannon: Oh, loosen up. You're in America now, sweetie. There's no such thing as shame here in America. Don't you know that? We don't even have a word for it. Except for "shame".

Jae Lao: But how can I trust you?

Sex Cannon: I dunno. Who fucking cares?

Jae Lao: Very well. I shall do it.

(She does all the stuff.)

Sex Cannon: Wow! That was fucking sweet!

Jae Lao: I have proven my love to you, Bob. Now, please! Take me away.

Sex Cannon: Oop. Sorry honey. Can't do it. Gotta go, like, study some film and shit.

Jae Lao: But you promised me!

Sex Cannon: I didn't promise anything. You take your chances with the Cumslinger.

Jae Lao: But... don't you love me?

Sex Cannon: Sure, baby. I love you. I just never want to see you again.

Jae Lao: But where will I go? I still have one year left until they give me my own milk crate to sleep in.

Sex Cannon: Did you say milk crate?

Jae Lao: Yes.

Sex Cannon: Hmmmm. Let me ask you. You ever see the movie Boxing Helena?

Jae Lao: With Kim Basinger?

Sex Cannon: No, she backed out of the part and was replaced by Sherilyn Fenn. Anyway, I didn't see it, but the premise sounded cool. This creepy dude keeps a chick in a box. And periodically, takes her out and bangs her. I'd like to do that with you.

Jae Lao: How often would you let me out of the box?

Sex Cannon: Not often. Perhaps never. But I'll tell you what: I'll upgrade you from a milk crate to a foot locker. I'll even poke holes in it.

Jae Lao: Really? You mean it?

Sex Cannon: Yeah. Now I may throw another chick or two in there occasionally. But it would definitely be a foot locker.

Jae Lao: Oh, God bless you, Bob Manning!

Sex Cannon: Damn right. Now do that thing where you give yourself reverse cunnilingus.

Jae Lao: Okay!


UPDATE: Want a strong, healthy love bone? Then do like Rex does! 3 a day, baby!


Unsilent Majority said...

golf clap

Brave Sir Robin said...

so this is what Rex has been up to.

Mevs said...

Wow drew. I know I'm a sick fuck just for reading that. I guess the time is now, we've got 4 days to unleash all the Rex material we can before he culminates in a cumming at SB XLI.

"We" meaning, you of course. I like to include myself though.

MDG said...

I'll take it over more gay porn.

Anonymous said...

The advantages, however, of living in a foot locker are that you have free access to all the high-tops and XXXL tees you could ever ask for.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Jesus Fucking Christ, you are a depraved sonuvabitch.

Oddly enough, Cirque du Soleil spends MONTHS in Miami during the winter time every year. They set up at Bicentennial Park along Biscayne Boulevard. So it's sorta apropos and geographically possible...

Also, if that photo of Orton with the Morrison 'American Poet' t-shirt is REAL, that's pretty fuckin' amazing.

The Andre Waters Experience said...

That's wrong, with a capital "R."

doug_plank said...

Well done.

I imagine Rex has Orton pin Griese's face to the window as Rex goes through his various conquests.

Rex yelling at weeping Griese-"You see this faggy QB!!! Only starters get this kind of tail!!!"

Orton (after swigging from a 40 of Old Style)-"Huh, huh, get her Rex!!"

MDG said...

Must be this tall to ride the Sex cannon

My Insignificant Life said...

Man oh man, I about passed out because I was laughing so hard.....I want to be Rex when I grow up......damn, this is a guy's guy......

FenwayFaithful78 said...

I don't think I'll ever be the same after reading that- and by the same I mean good hearted and not a depraved degenerate as I am now- after reading that...I'm still unsure as to what I just read. I need to save a retarded kitten today just to offset that!

Signal to Noise said...

Drew has just written himself into a spot of the pervert's row hall of fame.

save the steagles said...

I spent five minutes trying to visualize the sex gauntlet Rex was asking her to do, and I couldn't come close. I think that's a good thing. You're a sick man, Drew.

One of Many Lisas said...

Dare I say that the holes in the foot locker probably won't be used for just breathing?

Grimey said...

The sad thing is, Tom Moore was probably getting blown while that picture was taken.

Smello said...

I'm not really sure I'll ever be clean again. Sadly, I'm also not sure that that's bad.

WV: Woneleg. First thing that popped into my mind - Wonder Leg. See what you've done to me?!?

becky said...

Is it just me, or does this have absolutely no shock value anymore? I just nod at my screen going, "Yeahhhh, that's Rexy alright. Good ol' Sex Cannon."
Thanks, Drew. You make life worth living.

The Last Unitard said...

I think you missed your calling, Drew. You should be writing for Penthouse Forum. It would certainly pay better. And by better, I mean more than nothing.

Anonymous said...

Drew, you are my hero. I'm so glad you dropped out of the seminary.

Dickens Cider said...

Keep up the good work cumslinger.

Holly said...

Jesus, was that ever worth the wait.

Dweeze said...

It's like you raided my DVD collection!

Anonymous said...

it's totally legal if you don't fuck like you're underaged.

so... Drew. permission to use that line on future underaged conquests?

naaaah, i'm just kidding. i been telling high school chicks that for years.

Mike said...

Now that's a love story! Who knew Rex had such a soft-side.

If I was a chick, I'd be crying. But I'm a guy, so I'm wondering if I can get a quick one in if I shut the door for a few minutes.

cheswickthecat said...

fortunately I was almost finished eating lunch by the time I got to read this. Thanks Drew. Who's going to clean all the spewage off my keyboard now?

I'd say "well done" but it was waaaay beyond well done...

Caucasion Invasion said...

How many rounds can the sex cannon hold?

Unknown said...

Nice work, Drew. One small thing - Jao Lao isn't a very Burmese-sounding name. Try Khunt Thang. That's 100% accurate....

Big Daddy Drew said...

Khunt Thang sounds like an orange-flavored sexual virility drink.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

That gives a whole new meaning to the term "glory hole."

jackin'4beats said...


Drew, you are one sick mofo, God I love reading this shit!

I heard Bill Simmons got with a chick named Tran Phan. Someone tell the Sports Gal so she can throw some hot grease on him when he gets back home.

peytonloveskenny said...

Only one word can be used to describe that: genius. And fuckingawesome.

Grimey said...

PLK: And jackhammer.

Big Poppa Petey said...

This blog has made my football season all the more special. My team is in the bowl, and my quarterback is a porn star. The only problem is I can't read it at work. Especially with posts like that. A small price to pay for the entertainment.

Keep up the good work.


My views on sex