Friday, January 12, 2007

The Gigantosaur Was Denied a Bank Loan: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 1st seed -- San Diego Chargers (14-2)

Dearest Whale's Vagina Footballers Named After an Obscure Word for a Horse,

By dint of the two sweetest words in the English language, you are the least obnoxious team remaining in the playoffs in the AFC. Congratulations. We're even willing to ignore some past unpleasantness, the fact that your fans are tepid in their passion and that the weather in your city is always fucking perfect. This only speaks to the intolerability of the other three teams.

We here at KSK admire your efforts to keep Patriots fans out of your stadium. We wish we knew how to do it with our site. Sure, the Bears are doing the same with the Seahawks, but why even bother banning a dozen or so people? Hardly seems worth the effort.

Yours is a most impressive roster: a ridiculously talented running back, a Measty tight end who you should probably throw to more often, and, of course, The Gigantosaur. Eater of Souls. Raper of Quarterbacks and Lady Terps. Teller of Lies. Taker of 'Roids.

But it is not your players who worry us. Sure, your quarterback is relatively inexperienced, but we have confidence in him nonetheless to bear the intense pressures of playoff football.

It is, unsurprisingly, Herr Schottenheimer who is the locus of our worries. Schottenheimer, like San Diego itself, is a German word. It means "bland sex with no climax."

You may not share our concerns. After all, Marty's longtime protege, Bill Cowher, was able to overcome a similar history of ineffectiveness in big games last season to capture a Super Bowl title. But Cowher, even in his disappointing choking seasons, was able to win at least one playoff game. Marty wastes no time in sucking ass come January.

Still, buzz is rife this season that Marty has overcome his hyperconservative ways. Forgive us if we are not yet convinced. This is why we wish to inform you that we, the NFL-adoring public will be dispatching a hari kari (or seppuku or whatever your preferred term is) sword to the sideline in San Diego. Make sure he gets a good look at it before the game. Speak to him of samurai legends. If Schottenheimer continues his choking ways, we are not only encouraging but expecting you to force him to fall on his sword. Don't worry, CBS will make it look all shadowy and cinematic and shit.

We understand the jinxing nature of such pregame messages, so we wish to emphasize the toughness of your opponent. I mean, THE PATRIOTS NEVER LOSE PLAYOFF GAMES and NOT EVEN GOD HIMSELF COULD STOP THE PATRIOTS FROM WINNING SUNDAY.

Thank you for your time and please murder Tom Brady in cold blood.

Yours in Goodell,

Kissing Suzy Kolber Gay Mafia


Signal to Noise said...

I want Shawne Merriman on every form of 'roid and amphetamine within reach on Sunday so as to absolutely sink the Dreamboat with one hit.

Anonymous said...

If you were a hari cari sword, would you cut yourself? I know I would

Unsilent Majority said...

first i'd slather myself with mustard

Scott said...

Much as you might hope, your attempt at jinxing the Pats won't work. Every sports pundit in the country has already written them off, which, as you know, assures them a victory on Sunday. Sorry to disappoint.

Scott said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Big Daddy Drew said...

Marty: Qualifications?
Merriman: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Marty: You said rape twice.
Merriman: I like rape.
Marty: Charming. Sign here.

fallex said...

Was that clip from "The Last Samurai" or "The Last Nigga on Earth" starring Tom Hanks?

kyle said...

I have been praying for about 3 weeks now for the Gigantosaur to rush round on the first snap and simply rip Dreamboat's head off and beat Rodney Harrison to death with it as a celebration. Only then will my hatred for the Patriots be appeased.

mikeski said...

Dreamboat: I better go check out this Merriman character.
[Dreamboat reaches for a ball]
Ratty-Sweatshirt Wearing Fotog-Shover: Oh no, don't do that.
Dreamboat: Why not?
Ratty-Sweatshirt Wearing Fotog-Shover: If you drop back, you'll just make him mad.

jackin'4beats said...

I want Shawne Merriman on every form of 'roid and amphetamine within reach on Sunday so as to absolutely sink the Dreamboat with one hit.

Is it too much to ask for Gigantosaur to sack Brady like this
on Sunday, then break into his spastic, switch-flipping, orgasmic war dance while stomping Brady in the face forever ruining his "looks"?

Am I wrong to wish for that? No, OK then. Good that's what I want.

Becky said...

Obviously, you are not a very good gay mafia with so much Brady hate.

In my world, one out of one gay men agree - they would absolutely like to rumph/be rumphed by Tom Brady.

(I'd also like to state for the record, that even with my Brady love/defense here on KSK, Jason Taylor comes out way ahead on the list of five.)

Anonymous said...

Tom Brady has sex with farm animals.

Don't get me wrong; he's very tender and sensitive to their needs. But still, he fucks them.

Tom said...

a Marty Schottenheimer team vs. a team with Tom Brady at QB?

There are no winners here.

Kid Cleveland said...

as long as the playoffs won't include another fucking 4,500 word essay from Bill Simmons about another Colts/Pats AFC Title matchup....

Then we are all winners in my book. Keep it up kids.

MCBias said...

Think that a game coached by two ex-Browns coaches will be a classic? Hmm...I don't know who to boo for.

Tino said...

Um, to Scott - maybe you haven't been reading the sports picks today, but a hell of a lot more people are picking the Pats over the Chargers than the other way around. It's just that nobody likes the Pats, so everyone is rooting against them. Maybe it's because they are always favorites but they always play this lame - "nobody is respecting us and picking us" crap every year.