Sunday, January 28, 2007

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Jeff Saturday

As part of our Super Bowl coverage, I'll be sitting down and "chatting" with the occasional player or two. For the Colts, it's starting center Jeff Saturday.

Big Daddy Drew: Jeff, thanks for sitting down with us.
Jeff Saturday: My pleasure.

Drew: I understand Peyton Manning has a thumb injury. Do you think he feels more comfortable going into the Super Bowl with a built-in excuse?
Saturday: No.

Drew: You bend over regularly in front of Manning. Does he ever make you wear a jersey with "Chesney" stitched on the back?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Are you happy Manning got to the Super Bowl? It took a lot of work for you guys, but you finally got him in the position to hog all the credit.
Saturday: I'm very happy for Peyton.

Drew: Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith will be coaching against one another on Sunday. How much are they like Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls?
Saturday: They're nothing like Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls.

Drew: Won't it be bittersweet for Tony to win the Super Bowl because he didn't beat a white coach? I mean, it's almost like it doesn't count.
Saturday: It counts the same.

Drew: Reggie Wayne went to Miami. How much has he taught you about the improper handling of firearms?
Saturday: Reggie doesn't own a gun.

Drew: Marvin Harrison: Born without a tongue?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Because that happens, like to that one kid in Christmas Vacation.
Saturday: Marvin can talk.

Drew: Joseph Addai went to LSU. When the United Way forces you to go read to illiterate kids, does he join the class?
Saturday: Joe can read.

Drew: You scored a touchdown last week. Any bonus pussy for that?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Rob Morris is a Mormon. Does he ever stare into his helmet for five minutes and then tell you he was talking to the Lord?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Then smile like a really fucking creepy smile at you?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Do you use only plastic silverware around Nick Harper?
Saturday: No.

Drew: I'm tired of asking you football questions. Mind if I just ask you about random shit?
Saturday: Yes.

Drew: Who likes Trident? I do! I do!
Saturday: It's okay.

Drew: Is there a biological term for the male dickhole? Because mine is very large.
Saturday: I don't know.

Drew: Seriously, my buddy in high school said I had a pussy on a stick.
Saturday: I don't know.

Drew: What is the fucking point of cauliflower?
Saturday: I don't know.

Drew: Don't you think they should invent some kind of hybrid dildo/pogo stick? I bet it would sell a shitload.
Saturday: No.

Drew: I even trademarked a name for it. Are you ready? Pogo Dick.
Saturday: That's dumb.

Drew: Ever picture Billy Crystal fucking someone? It's really disturbing.
Saturday: No.

Drew: Don't all Skittles taste stale to you? Because they do to me.
Saturday: I don't eat candy.

Drew: Do you think Helen Mirren will take home the Oscar? I heard she's a lock.
Saturday: I don't know.

Drew: Any truth to the rumor you once murdered twelve people in a liquor store robbery?
Saturday: I've never heard that. It's untrue.

Drew: Seriously? Because I read it on Pro Football Talk and they're never wrong.
Saturday: It is untrue.

Drew: If I started singing, "Open the door, get on the floor! Everybody walk the dinosaur!" would that annoy you?
Saturday: Yes.

Drew: Ever make popovers? Fucking yummy.
Saturday: No.

Drew: Will you kiss me?
Saturday: No.

Drew: I brought Cinnamon Binaca.
Saturday: No.

Drew: I like a girl with extensions in her hair. Bamboo earrings: at least two pair. A Fendi bag and a bad attitude. That's all I need to get me in a good mood. Jeffrey Saturday, will you be my around-the-way girl?
Saturday: No.

Drew: Jeff, thanks again for talking to us, and good luck on Sunday.
Saturday: Thanks.


Otto Man said...

Say what you will about Jeff Saturday. I'll always remember him fondly as Crazy Cooter.

Mevs said...


jackin'4beats said...

Any truth to the rumor you once murdered twelve people in a liquor store robbery?

Just completely out of left field and utterly laugh out loud hilarious.

WV: uhmdgg
You hum dogs...WHAT?!?!

Unsilent Majority said...

Billy Crystal fucking Meg Ryan is my Room 101

Anonymous said...

Run his name through the Ron Mexico aka generator and you get Jawuan January.
Mine is Reggie Guatemala

Uncle Mikey said...

You missed a question:

When Manning licks his fingers before each snap, how much of what he ingests is ball sweat and how much is asshole sweat? And when he slaps your taint to tell you to hike the ball when it's noisy on someone else's field, does it give you pleasure?

Mike said...

Billy Crystal fucking Meg Ryan is my Room 101

Actually, mine is close: Meg strapping on, and fucking Billy.

But your scenario has gotta be my Room 102 at least.

becky said...

Bonus pussy for Jeff Saturday would be like a drop of rain in the ocean. That's a big pile of sex right there.

jackin'4beats said...

Danny Mongolia babieeeeee...

Whut, Whut!!!

Walklett said...

(alternate suggestions for the Pogo Dick):

Bounce and Fuck
The Hole Jammer
Jump and Stuff
Dick Stick

Also, what is a popover?

Big Daddy Drew said...

You're right! Holy shit, that might be the greatest word ever.

The Big Picture said...

reggie wayne put a gun to addai's head and taught him to read. that's the truth.

Biggs said...

If I started singing, "Open the door, get on the floor! Everybody walk the dinosaur!" would that annoy you?

Guaranteed to be stuck in my head for the next 12 hours. Thanks, ass.