You Can't Fire Me! Only I Know How To Prevent Ray Lewis From Killing Again!

You fools! Do you really think the next guy you hire will have the insanely huge ego to deal with those assholes in the locker room? Only the Bri has the brains, and the hair, to make that happen! Idiots! Only I know the secret to preventing Lewis from killing again. And there's no way I'm telling you now! That's your punishment for thinking you could go behind my back, or in front of my back, and fire me!

You know naught what you hath wrought, Ravens. I hope you like wearing chain mail.

I Believe It’s In The Fans’ Interests To Expand The Playoff Field To 28 Teams

Mister Commissioner, after seeing the Cleveland Browns eliminated from postseason play despite a very good 10-6 record, I think it’s time to re-evaluate how our playoff field is set. This is a long, hard season. These men fight tooth and nail for 16 weeks. Why should some teams be rewarded with playoff slots merely because they have the good fortune of residing in an inferior conference? And why should some teams be denied entrance merely because they are inferior?

This is why I think it’s best for the competitive interests of the game if we were to expand the playoff field to 28 teams. Now, I’m not saying this because the team I run, the Kansas City Chiefs, would qualify as the 28th seed in such a scenario. Far from it. Although we did have an EXCELLENT season given the circumstances. Don’t listen to the swarm of negativity out there, Commissioner. We have a great core of players, and I’m quite sure every personnel move I made was the exact right one and will be validated sometime within the next 37 years. No doubt about that.

No, I want to expand the field to 28 teams because it’s in the best interests of the fans. Haven’t Lion fans suffered long enough? 7-9 is a really good record for that team. They should be in. The Ravens nearly beat the Patriots! Are you telling me they don’t deserve a bid? That’s foolish. And what about the Falcons? After all they’ve been through? Surely they deserve a spot.

Now, not everyone should get into the playoffs. Like the Dolphins. Fuck them. Or the Rams. Fuck them. They totally suck. I’m all for only the elite teams making the postseason. And since I am among the elite general managers in all of sport, surely my team should be included as well. Doesn’t that make sense to you? WE HAVE JARED FUCKING ALLEN! THAT’S A PLAYOFF PLAYER RIGHT THERE!

I also think we should all get postseason bye weeks. Why should only the best teams get a week off? That’s an unfair competitive advantage. No, no, no. Everyone should get a week off. Then the top 4 teams get another bye, then the remaining 24 teams play each other. I think that’s really the best way to go. Though I think, given the Chiefs’ heritage and everything Lamar Hunt has done for the league, that perhaps we should receive one of those byes as well. Again, this is strictly in the interests of the fans. This is a better league when the Chiefs do well, even when they do not.

So let’s make that happen, Mr. Commissioner. Otherwise, I’ll have a hard time convincing people I’m not a complete fuckhead.

It Could be a Fractured Ulna, I'm Afraid You Forfeit: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

AFC 6th Seed -- Tennessee Titans (10-6)

Gentlemen, I'm well aware that we are trying to qualify for the playoffs tonight, but I'm going to have to excuse myself for a moment. My quad is feeling a tad lugubrious this evening. I may have aggravated it ever so slightly yesterday at my salsa dancing class. Allow me to beg off for a few minutes. Don't worry though, I shall pass the time in my period of serious injury by engaging in a series of vigorous calisthenics here on the sideline. First... ten Iroquois Twists, one hi-yi-yi... two-hi-yi-yi.... I beg your pardon? You are requesting my presence in the locker room for further medical care? No need for a wheelchair my good man, though severely injured I will gamely make that journey under my own power. Steady, steady....

[sprints to locker room in 5.9 seconds]

It appears that despite the dedicated ministrations of our able medical staff, my affliction persists unabated. O, cruel fate! I fear my playing days may be through. Let's return to the field so I may observe firsthand Mister Collins' performance in my stead.

[sprints back to field in two shakes of a lamb's tail]

It appears that under the besotted stewardship of Kerry Collins victory is assured. Huzzah, good sirrah! Don't let the soup-line quality stubble and roguish sobriquet of "Cocktail Kerry" deceive you, this chap knows his way around the gridiron. I will celebrate our good fortune by spending the final four minutes of the games on the stationary bike recreating my recent journey down the bucolic Rappahannock Trail.

[pedals furiously for 30 minutes straight]

They Won By Sean Taylor!: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.


NFC 6th Seed -- Washington Redskins (9-7)

There are several factors that might make it difficult for me to root against the Redskins: the death of Sean Taylor, the fact that Shawn Springs went to my high school, that my mother, uncle and many of my friends are fans. But it is, in truth, not really all that hard at all.

There's always the all-too-easy litany of charges against them: the megalomaniacal imp Dan Snyder (who blocks out other games in the time slot when the 'Skins are on), the team's racialist name, its fanbase of Blackberry-toting doucheocrats, the Dead Tree Crew and FedEx Field being a slightly more unpleasant experience than Dachau and about as easy to get to as the Kwik-E-Mart corporate headquarters.

If that doesn't prove sufficient, I can always draw upon this chestnut: In January of 1992, when I was in 4th grade, the week before the Redskins beat the Bills in Super Bowl XXVI, my school had an assembly where we did nothing but sing "Hail to the Redskins" for an hour. ON LOOP. FOR A FUCKING HOUR. The song is less than two minutes long. Such is the torpor-based education you get in public schooling in Maryland, I s'pose.

Did you know they won their playoff clinching game by 21 points? And that Sean Taylor wore the number 21? You know who'll be sure to remind me? The woman who rings up my groceries. The UPS guy. The guy who hits me changing lanes on the Beltway. My drug dealer. Someone looking at DVDs next to me at Best Buy. The stick up kid who steals the DVD from me when I leave the store. The cop who takes my statement. The guy at the gun store. The people who I rob when I turn into a vigilante.

We Didn’t Qualify? This Is Such Bullsh… Hey, Someone Left A Sock On The Ground!

I can’t believe this! We go 10 and fucking 6 for the first time since I don’t even know when, and we get knocked out of the playoffs all because those pansyass Titans got to play the scout team for the Colts’ scout team? This is such BULLSH…

Oh my God! Oh my God! Someone left a sock lying on the ground! It’s mine! IT’S MINE!!!!!

(gets sock)

God, I love socks. This one looks like it was in the gutter for a bit!

What was I saying? Oh yeah. The fact that such an inspirational season ended this way is horseshit! How can the Browns be sitting at home when the 9-7 Redskins get to go? The fucking Redskins? That fucking NFC, man. It’s so arbi…

HOLY SHIT, THAT MAN OVER THERE THREW THE END OF HIS HOT DOG BUN ON THE GROUND! GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!!

(scarfs it up)

Oh, yeah. Oh, YEAH. That is a treat and a half.

(licks balls)

Can someone scratch my belly? It’s been ages since I had me a good belly scratching.

This is a very sad day to be a Browns fan. But this has been a season of hope, and I am not going to lose hope now. We have a great young team and the foundation is set for…

A FUCKING UPS GUY? WHERE?! LET’S GO GET HIM! LET’S GO EAT HIS ASSHOLE OUT!

(panting)

YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE DOOR, UPS GUY. STAY AWAY OR I WILL CLAMP DOWN ON YOUR PANT LEG LIKE ROSEANNE BARR ON A FRESH COCK.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I really liked what I saw from Derek Anderson. He’s a real leader, and…

(sees female Browns fan)

MATE MATE MATE!

(runs after female Browns fan with cock out)

(jumps on top of female Browns fan and forcibly enters her)

Well, I guess the season didn’t end THAT bad.

(sniffs)

Oh my God! Iiiiiiiiiiit’s bacon! Only one thing smells like bacon, and that’s BACON! Where where where is it? Bacon bacon bacon bacon!

(sniffs)

Mister, show me what’s in the bag! PLEASE!!!!


IT’S BACON!

The Saints Missed The Playoffs? This Is The Worst Tragedy Ever

Are you telling me that this year's playoffs will not feature F--k Da Eagles Heather? Well, that is a true American tragedy. I don't even know how we even begin to recover. The Federal government hasn't given us ANY sort of guidance on this. There are thousands of football fans stranded out there, with no tits in sight. Who will come to their rescue? Who will provide them with the support, preferably and ample B cup or higher, that they so desperately need?

This is a call to all you mildly attractive female football fans of this year's playoff teams out there. You need to pick da team that you think should get fucked. Then, you must visibly demonstrate on your chest your commitment to da principle that da team you pick deserves good, hard fucking. Then you need to get yourself on FOX. They say they don't condone that sort of thing. But really, they can't get enough of it. They love it when fans want one team to fuck another.

So hurry, with all due diligence. We need it. Please help.

Mike Vanderjagt Has His Idiot Kicker Title Wrested Away

This is Garo Yepremian, former kicker for the ’72 Dolphins, part-time Joe Garagiola impersonator, and the ra-ra retard who used Super Bowl VII as a showcase for his Brian Boitano-esque throwing style. Well apparently, Garo isn’t all too pleased with the Patriots going 16-0. And he still believes they have much to prove. And if anyone has a right to talk trash about the Patriots, it’s some shithead kicker who lucked into a spot on a undefeated Super Bowl team.

"We were the first ones to climb Mount Everest," Yepremian said late Saturday. "If New England comes and does it, then they can be the second ones. But you usually don't remember No. 2. I remember Sir Edmund Hillary was the first one to climb Mount Everest. I don't remember who did it the second time. Do you?"

That would be Tenzing Norgay, the man who accompanied Hilary. Oh, and you’re an idiot. Go home and work on your bobbling technique, Garo. Or why not root for the Patriots now instead? After all, Patriot fans are completely insufferable douchebags who spend their days wolfing down cum-soaked fruitcake. I’m sure you'll fit right in with them.

Even God Himself Can't Stop the Patriots From Going 19-0

That's right, God. Sorry, you can't do it. We defy you to try, but it's futile. An undefeated season is inevitable now. We guarantee it. Might as well start playing that annoying music from "The Departed" on loop in heaven.

The GIANTS are WINNING at the HALF? What The S--t?

I'd like to thank the Giants for pissing away their playoff chances for my entertainment this evening. Already, they've lost a linebacker and an offensive lineman. And a really, really dumb challenge.

Still, there's something to be said for running into this brick wall of a game head first and trying to knock it down. Yeah, the task appears futile, but those in the vicinity appreciate the spectacle.

Always Be Covering: Week 17

This is the Maj reporting LIVE from a cubicle with limited internet connectivity! Fortunately the email system operates on a different server, so I can still get my picks to you, the gullible masses.

Whore

Welcome to the final regular season edition of Always Be Covering. It’s week 17 and that means it’s time for the true coverers to earn their coffee. Lots of playoff teams are going to be resting their starters (bitches) so some of the games are going to be total crap shoots, but if I let that stop me then I never would have become such an amazing craps player. So join me for a few rolls of the dice, just don’t crap out on us. On to the picks!

New England -13.5 at New York Giants

ed. note: The Maj is out of town this weekend and thus he was unable to place this bet in time, which is cool because it saved him 50 bucks.

All that stands between the Patriots and regular season perfection is Eli “Double Yellow” Manning.

Jesus.Buttfucking.Christ.

This is going to happen people, there’s really no way around it. Finally I’ll be able to use that fallout shelter I built before Y2K. Sadly it’s little more than a hole in the ground filled with Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies and hardcore Estonian pornography (don’t let the cherubic smile fool you, Debbie is down with the filthy stuff).

Tennessee -4.5 at Indianapolis

Jim Sorgi's heart only beats between three and five times per minute. Once the playoffs are over he's going to be an understudy in the summer stock rendition of Nosferatu.

Chicago +1 vs. New Orleans

Who knows when I'll every be able to bet on Kyle Orton again? Perhaps not until he retires to found the Professional Flip Cup Association with Chris Cooley and Ben Roethlisberger

San Diego -8.5 at Oakland

JaMarcus is making his first career start and the Chargers still have something left to play for. LaDanian should be sitting by halftime which should leave plenty of time for Michael Turner to break the single game rushing record.

Alright everybody, enjoy the last weekend of regular season football for a really long fucking time. Savor it people, you won't get to see the Panthers and Falcons for another nine months. By the time that comes around you could have a kid! So remember, watch a lot of football and keep a wire hanger on hand...just in case.

Patriots/Giants on NBC vs. Patriots/Giants on CBS. WHO YA GOT?

It's the first NFL game being simulcast by two major networks since Super Bowl I, and the first ever in which reserves will play a prominent role. No matter which station you tune into, you're getting the same feed of the NFL Network's dolorous Bryant Gumble dronefest. The winner of the ratings showdown is more in doubt and probably just as consequential as the winner of this game. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

National Broadcasting Company________Columbia Broadcasting System

Television suits whose names are bandied about but you don't need to know

Dick Ebersol__________Leslie Moonves

Game causing viewers to miss

Midseason bullshit game show brought on because of the writer's strike___Quickly cobbled together made-for-TV movie on San Francisco zoo tiger mauling

Technological edge

Advanced cameras can capture all of J-Load in one shot___Keith Olbermann's smug blocks out competing signals

Suck off Tom Brady?

Yes_______________Oh God, yes

Suck off Eli Manning?

Maybe Costas__________Cowher's new teeth might hurt

Will mark Patriots perfect regular season with

Shocking restraint________Giving Bill Simmons the shocker while he's in restraints

When Giants backups come in

Tiki Barber forced to play_____Spanish announce team secretly takes over

That sound you'll be hearing

Rupert Murdoch seething________Rich Eisen beating off to local affiliate anchor

Finishing move

Stay tuned for an SNL rerun_____90% of CBS viewers asleep by halftime

Wanna Start a Resolution?

Come next Tuesday, there comes the tedious ordeal that accompanies every New Year: buying a new fucking calendar. They're all fucking terrible. Puppies, ponds, bridges, hair metal bands, Mega Man villains -- I can't commit to any of them. It's the same reason I don't have any tattoos or girlfriends.

There's also that first awkward 15 days or so when everyone dates everything '07. I got out of a speeding ticket two years in January despite being clearly guilty of going 30 miles over the limit because the officer dated the ticket the previous year. Thank you, legal loopholes.

Oh yeah, and make resolutions for the new year, but that's always an insincere nod to tradition, right? Wrong-o, fuckface. Apparently a bunch of NFL figures have pledged to do great in '08 and here's how:


Bobby Petrino resolves to... aw, fuck it.
Brian Billick resolves to make the world more in accordance with his perfect design.
A.J. Smith resolves to hire Brian Billick.
Wes Welker resolves that he'll win over that Boston fanbase yet.
Joe Damato resolves to point out that the people mentioned in this post didn't actually make these resolutions, moron. It's not even 2008 yet.
Roger Goodell resolves to scrap the NFL Network in favor of 53 channels each dedicated to a different player on the Patriots.
Devin Hester resolves to petition the Competition Committee to establish as inbounds all areas within 2 miles of the playing field.
Brett Favre resolves to stop hinting at retirement, sometime around never.
Travis Henry resolves to stop procreating...right after this last bitch pops one out.
Bryant Gumbel resolves to watch more football with his boyfriend as a way of bonding.
Derek Anderson resolves to choke again only after signing his big contract in the off-season.
Bart Scott resolves to choke more people.
Emmitt Smith dissolves to start sneaking more dearly.
Jason Elam resolves not to get left behind.
Philip Rivers resolves to yell at fewer employees at the Apple Store, people on the street, old ladies, trick-or-treaters, dogs, Chargers fans and mailboxes.
Tony Romo resolves to do that thing with his lips. You know, when it gets stretched taut from one side to the other? What's that called? Oh yeah: mouth raped by Peter King.
Marty Schottenheimer resolves to win every game in 2008 for his new team. Wait, the playoffs would be in 2009? FUCK.
Willie Parker resolves to bounce back from injury, reverse field, run backward 10 yards then get back to the line of scrimmage for no gain.
Kyle Orton resolves to shave...time off his two-minute drill.
Sean Mahan resolves to block...all the spam from his Gmail account.
Roy Williams resolves to move to Europe, where tipping is unnecessary and the quarterbacks are refreshingly secular.

Week 16 In Pictures Captions

Every Song's Her Favorite Song and Mics Don't Feedback/ All the Reviewers Say, "You Need to Go See That."

I don't know shit about music, so self-indulgent and recherche year-end lists only give me a host of things to download and inevitably become disappointed by. Don't feed me that LCD Soundsystem bullshit. I got duped by the fawning praise accompanying their first album and fucking hated it. Drew and Ufford loved them some The Hold Steady last year and I could never get into it.

Movies are another matter entirely for me. I glory in compiling ten best lists and breathlessly debating them with my friends. I worked as a film critic for my college paper, which was fantastic. I never had to go to the newsroom, except to swipe screening passes and I saw everything those two years.

The frustrating aspect of film lists is that you maybe get three or four potential good-to-great films before October. So everything is packed into a three month period when movies are battling with football for weekend free time.

I've painstakingly, despite not seeing all the movies I've wanted to see this year, narrowed down my list. Here goes:

1. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2. Juno
3. No End in Sight
4. American Gangster
5. No Country for Old Men
6. Ratatouille
7. Breach
8. Zodiac
9. The King of Kong
10. Knocked Up

Honorable mentions: Superbad, 300, Eastern Promises and Darjeeling Limited.

Commenters would like to add that 3:10 to Yuma, Gone Baby Gone and Once - none of which I saw - are worthy of inclusion.

I'm trying to save room for There Will Be Blood. Feel free to tell me how wrong I am in the comments. At least Drew isn't around. If you ever meet him, let him know how much you love the movie Brick.

Anyway, your Meast is Ben Roethlisberger, partially because I'm doing all the posts this week and I can pick anyone I damn well choose and also because he put up his NFL record-tying third career game with a perfect rating against the Rams, which was also his second this season. All that, despite the fact that he's the most frequently sacked QB in the league this year and his offensive line is composed of gauze and Alan Faneca. He may even get an MVP vote. Huzzah!

Bill Simmons likes to harp about Roethlisberger being referred to only as "Ben" by the announcers, because Simmons' mind has been eaten away by feline AIDS and being penetrated in the ear by J-Bug. Perhaps this grating-only-to-Simmons phenomenon has to do with the announcers not wanting to slow down the flow of the game calling by having to pronounce his four syllable last name in every sentence.

Boxing Day Madness is Coming to Your Town

[Monolithic big box store of your choosing]

Customer representative: (sucks teeth) NEX' I'll take nex' over here.

Cam Cameron: Hi, I'd like to return this Trent Green.


Customer rep: You got a receipt?

Cam Cameron: Yeah, right here.

Customer rep: (sucks teeth) I'm sorry, SIR. Returns are only good for 30 days. This here says you got this back in June.

Trent Green: Bananaface toytown August runs. Makeshift gearshift Total Recall. Seven come eleven rafting trip. These are not actually Beck lyrics.

Customer rep: You must be ow'chor damn mind. HE BROKE. I'm sorry. We cannot accept this return, SIR. NEX'

Bill Belichick: mumblemumblemumble

Customer rep: You gonna have to speak up, SIR.

Bill Belichick: I'd like to return this shirt.


Customer rep: What's wrong with it?

Bill Belichick: I don't need a second shirt.

Customer rep: (sucks teeth) Nuh-uh. You needs to give me some reasons for why the product is defective.

Bill Belichick: Well, for one, you're a dirty cunt and I hope you die at this job.

Customer rep: Oh, that's not even right. You need to get the fuck up outta here. NEX'


Wade Phillips: I received this voucher from my employer and I'd like to know how to redeem it.

Customer rep: (squints) "Good for one free stomach stapling for Gutbucket, the Christmas ham. Fattest wishes, Double-J." Okay, you're gonna go back to our cosmetology department. It's behind auto repair and next to the pharmacy.

Wade: Ah, why thank you, miss.

Customer rep: Hol' up. There's more here. "To retailer: Upon redemption of this coupon, please refuse service to any bearer weighing more than 300 lbs. and have security piggyback ride him out of the store." (squints) "Yeehaw...I...am...fucking...crazy."

Wade: Of all the rotten luck.

Why Wasn't Anyone at Practice Today?

Hey, what gives? I know we're out of the playoff chase and suffered a crushing defeat Sunday, but have some goddamn pride, why don'cha?

Even the little Mexican guy who parks my car was gone. Same with the nice security man who lets me in the front door of the training facility. I had to practice my timing patterns in the parking lot with no receivers.

Lazy fucking bums.

The Day Jesus Invented Football

Everybody knows Christmas is just some date that was assigned as Jesus' birthday by Pope Bellicose V to coincide with some pagan winter solstice sodomyfest. But December 24 carries actual significance in the Christian calendar, for it was the day Jesus took a knee for our sins and created the most holy game of football.

Before the advent of the sport, bands of pagans amused themselves by catching fatal diseases, trying soccer and getting bored or playing Scrabulous on Facebook. People were getting restless with this "Son of God" business, saying that if he really was something special, he'd find a way to win in the playoffs after finishing the regular season with 13 wins every fucking year.

In his 20th year, joined by his 12 Apostles, Joe Gibbs, Jon Kitna, Tony Dungy, Mark Brunell, Kurt Warner, Deion Sanders, Adrian Peterson, Mike Singletary, Jason Elam, Tom Landry, Reggie White and Mike Huckabee, Christ did create the continent of North America so that the 13 of them could convene at a field house in Canton, Ohio.

"Behold, my brothers," Jesus did say. "I give you football."

He held aloft the oddly shaped object fashioned of cowhide leather but referred to as a pigskin. The Apostles wept as they regarded it. Tom Landry didn't take off his hat, though, because he was a disrespectful asswipe.

"With this ball, shall ye line up 11 on 11 and attempt to take the ball to the opponent's end of the Earth."

The Earth back then was only 100 yards long.

"All that I ask of you is that you thank me for each win and each touchdown and not fault me for losses, fumbles or drive killing phantom holding calls."

The Apostles agreed to do so.

"However, Man is not yet ready to accept this divine gift. Therefore I will create a race of lesser men to keep the grass of this continent in good shape - well, except Pittsburgh - until a football playing race of men is able to slaughter them and establish a multi-billion dollar league dedicated to bringing it to the masses at exorbitant prices. The Washington franchise will be given a name insulting to this breed of lesser man."

"One more thing: you should slap each other's asses while you play it," Jesus said.

"Really? Slap each other's asses? What are you, Jesus, gay?" asked Jon Kitna.

"Actually, yes. Yes, I am," replied Jesus as he tongue kissed Esera Tuaolo.

It's Like We're Not Supposed to Be Driving Drunk or Something

Hey, great use of our tax dollars, assholes at the Department of Transportation. For all the millions you spend producing these pointless ads telling us that police arrest people for drunk driving then spending outsize dollars to air 600 of them an hour, we could possibly hire more officers to catch people. I don't know.

Why don't you just enter into an agreement wherein the game announcers mention each player who's been arrested for a DUI or DWI? "There's Cato June with the good open field tackle. By the way, he got popped for a DUI a few months ago. What a dipshit." If authorities are willing to prosecute celebrities for something, we citizens know it's a serious crime. Anything to not have to see these goddamn ads every break.

Ruh Roh Romee-Row

Everyone seems to be pulling for the scrappy, defensively deprived Cleveland Browns to overtake the Steelers for the AFC North crown. Well, their vaunted offense is laying a Horse Ball sized egg in Cincinnati.

I bet Browns fans are pissed. Not as much as those who bet on the over in this game. Thought you were so smart, didn't you?

It's the Little Things in Life

We didn't expect yesterday's post about uber-dipshit Joe Damato (seen above, left, in an artist's rendition) to go over so well. But, bless your adorable, shrunken hearts, you hated that bastard even more than we did.

That was a pleasant enough surprise, you hating him the way you did. But the blood diamond churned up by that post was the IMDb page of Joe D'Amato, who's an apostrophe and about 200 pornos away from being our Joe Damato. Please, enjoy this sampling from Mr. D'Amato's filmography:

Sperma Spende
Anal Perversions of Lolita... aka House of Anal Perversions
Raw and Naked
Sex Penitentiary
Robin Hood: Thief of Wives
120 Days of Anal
Homo Erectus... aka Jurassic Pork
Paprika... aka Anal Paprika... aka The Last Italian Whore
Some Like It Hard
Porno Holocaust
Blue Erotic Climax
Greedy Mouth
Erotic Nights of the Living Dead
The Smoking Cauldron of Virgins
Images in a Convent

Oh sure, laugh about Porno Holocaust. But you have no idea how many millions of sperm died during that genocide.

Speaking of sperm dying, I was looking for photos of NFL cheerleaders in Santa hats when my search was abruptly abandoned at this post at the Pro Cheerleaders Blog:

That's Robin. This is the PCB on Robin:

Robin is the most senior Charger Girl and though she may be long in the tooth, she still looks hot in the uniform and gives it all when performing. I think if all Charger Girls give that level of performance and commitment, they would have careers as long and illustrious as Robin’s.

Ah, I almost didn't realize this ancient hag was so close to menopause. I apologize. As recompense, here's fresh-faced and fresh-everythinged rookie Heather:

Merry Christmas, KSKers. As flubby noted below, things will be a little slower than usual next week, but we'll still get it up. Posts. Get posts up. On the blog.

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the WeekOh, Christmas Tree!

When I agreed to write this week's Meast post, I did so for one reason... to have a flimsy excuse to post the picture you see below. Veteran KSK readers may recall that this is the Rex Grossman-inspired bethonged Christmas tree that esteemed commenter Michigan Becky sent to us last year. As you can plainly see, Michigan Becky rocks the party. If you can decorate a tree anywhere close to this cool, we would love to see it.

Click picture for a better view. Go ahead, you deserve it.

Despite the fact that he is averaging over five yards a carry and is about to become the 17th leading rusher in league history, Fred Taylor was once again blue-balled by Pro Bowl voters. But now that Fast Cast Willie Parker is on the shelf with a broken leg, Taylor, as first alternate, will finally be making a trip to Honolulu. Fred's name used to be synonymous with season-ending injuries-- but this season he has been giving the big up-yours to all the simps like me that threw away first-round fantasy picks on Mojo Drew. Now, to top it all off, he is your Meast of the Week. Y'all give Fred some love.

Aloha, Mr. Hand.

We're going to be posting less frequently next week, but if you've been good boys and girls this weekend you might get a bourbon-fueled diatribe or two in your stocking. Ho fucking ho, baby.

Super Mario vs. One of Those Gay Manning Koopa Kids. WHO YA GOT?

Hey, it's a match-up for former number 1 picks who actually panned out into pretty good players. What's more, it's a situation in which the two players actually interact with one another, not like when two superstar players who both play offense or defense happen to be in the same game and we have to pretend one's performance can affect the other. Hey, look Purple Jesus put 125 on the 'Skins. He totally shut down Clinton Portis! Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Mario Williams_______Peyton Manning

No. 1 pick of

2006 NFL Draft_______Unimaginative advertisers everywhere


Power ups

Stars, mushrooms, flowers, construda__Gesturing frantically at line, buttsecks

Helped by

Warp pipe to quarterback_______Hiding in Elisha Koopa's squash fortress


Made famous by

Being better than Reggie Bush___Sticking Captain N's light gun up his chute


Rides

Kart________Chesney, on a cart


Can fly if

Wears a yellow cape_______Loafers get light enough

Favorite environment

Water level__________Fire (Island) level

Finishing move

Saves princess___________Surgery to become princess

Betting Against Kyle Orton, So Easy a Retarded Primate Could Do It

You're telling me I'm allowed to bet as much as I want against this guy?

Welcome to the Week 16 edition of Always Be Covering. This is a special week, not because of any "real" games, but because fantasy leagues all over the world will be crowing their champions. I've been fortunate (GENIUS!) enough to reach the finals in two of my three leagues, so this week I'll have the pleasure of beating the shit out of Drew and winning some actual money. Seeing as how I'm paying $200 for the money league I thought it would be appropriate to spread an equal amount over a handful of the tastiest NFL offerings.

It's been a bit of a long week what with the launch of 35 Seconds, assisting on a move, and the occasional bit of actual work (time permitting) so I didn't waste time with any of that silly research. On to the picks!

Each wager is for $50.

Green Bay -9 vs. Chicago

The Packers have only dropped two games against the spread and Kyle Orton throws footballs the way primates fling feces...assuming said primates are drunk and/or retarded. Speaking of which, how come you don't see more mentally challenged monkeys? I bet they'd be fun to have around, for a while at least.

Buffalo +3 vs. New York Giants

Speaking of retarded primates, how 'bout that Eli Manning!

Indianapolis -7 vs. Houston

I have absolutely nothing to say about this game, so here's a video that came up on a YouTube search for "retarded monkey."

It's like the Manning family in some sort of alternate reality!

Washington +6.5 vs. Minnesota

Y'know, Tarvaris Jackson with 6.5 points is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it! No Rocky McIntosh for the Redskins, but that just means more H.B. Blades, and you can never have too much H.B. Blades. You've gotta love the Blades family, they're like the Spinks' of football.

Enjoy Week 16 everyone, now I'm going to go to bed so I can start dreaming about Levance Fields and Dejuan Blair.

Doug & Doug's Fantasy Report - Week 15

Here's this week's Doug & Doug fantasy report. I suppose it's pertinent here to mention that the Yahoo! Tank Desert Classic Championship will be played this weekend between me (BradyQuinn HandParty) and Maj (I Forgot My Mantra). There's a lot on the line. Winner gets either a free shirt or a free trophy. I picked the shirt. I'm not confident I chose well. I just found a shirt to be more practical. Anyway, here's how we match up:

QB Advantage: Maj
RB Advantage: Maj
WR Advantage: Drew
TE Advantage: Maj
K Advantage: Even
DEF Advantage: Drew
Height: Drew
Weight: Drew
Reach: Drew
Intelligence: Drew
Penile Length And Girth: Drew
Swarthiness: Maj
Sperm Count: Drew
Classic Roman Good Looks: Drew
Hair: Drew
Inherent Likability: Drew
Teeth Whiteness: Drew
Vaginal Depth: Drew (Maj edit)

Tough call. But we'll settle it all on the field on Sunday. Actually, other people will settle it on the field for us. But you get the idea. Oh, and FUCK MAJ.

KSK Mailbag: Joe Damato Is a Moronic A--Hole

Some first-class asshole named Joe Damato wrote into us regarding a satirical post in which we had a fictional David Garrard act as a pimp. Well, Joe noticed an inaccuracy in the post. He writes:

Here's your quote:

"No? Good. Did you know officers, by law, have to answer that last question honestly? Isn't that interesting? Now, if you don't mind, I need to have Tiny here pat you down. TINY!"

Officers don't. If they did, there would be no such thing as an "undercover" officer because numb nut criminals would say..."are you a cop?" and the cop would say "aw shucks.....ya' got me!" There goes the whole idea of "undercover."

Either go to law school or do some research....get your fat asses off of the couch and stop being ignorant.

Just a friendly reminder for whichever one of you douche bags tries to buy some blow or grass from a guy on the street. "Are you a cop?," doesn't work. Morons.

We suggested to Joe that if he can't recognize satire, he should probably go ahead and hang himself. He replied:

If you can't recognize accuracy, then you should keep doing whatever it is you are doing. Fucking morons.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

...

Wait. So...

...

What are we supposed to do again? Is it go to law school, do some research, or keep doing what we're doing?

Hey Joe, guess who's both the dumbest and the most righteous jackass to ever send us an angry email?

You are, asshole. I hope this is the first thing that pops up when someone Googles you. Merry Christmas, cocksucker.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen Reports That ESPN’s Chris Mortensen Is Just F--king Guessing

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that earlier report of ESPN’s Bill Parcells currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight may or may not have a layover.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen tells ESPN's "Mike & Mike" that a reported flight to Atlanta tonight contained Elton John without his hair or makeup, and NOT ESPN’s Bill Parcells.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen confirms to ESPN that ESPN's Chris Mortensen does not know where ESPN’s Bill Parcells is at this time, but will have updates as this story develops.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is now on his way to Miami, preparing to sign offer sheet to become VP of Dolphins. Parcells will sign the offer, unless he does not.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is carrying with him a preserved mosquito in amber, and plans on cloning dinosaurs once he lands in Miami.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells has actually already cloned two velociraptors and has them in transit.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that the velociraptors have been genetically engineered to read, to use telekinesis, and to feel no pain. But that the velociraptors are both females, so that they cannot learn to breed.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen tells ESPN's John Clayton that the velociraptors have learned to BREED!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that the bloodthirsty velociraptors have parachuted out the plane and are presently on the ground!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that THEY HAVE NUKES NOW! GOOD FUCKING GOD, RUN! EVERYONE RUN! HURRY! PLEASE! SOON THEY WILL DEVOUR US ALL AND CREATE A NEW ERA!


NBA: Raptors 73, Bucks 71

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports that the recent reports (probably from a blog) of a superintelligent nuclear dinosaur attack were incorrect. Apparently, they were just cats.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen OFFICIALLY CONFIRMS that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas. Today. December 20th.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen would like to reiterate his confirmation that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas, because it's totally true!

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that Yahoo's Mike Silver has written an article with lots of cool stuff in it, and that he will soon report its contents.

Get the inside scoop from ESPN's Chris Mortensen on ESPN Insider!