You Can't Fire Me! Only I Know How To Prevent Ray Lewis From Killing Again!

You fools! Do you really think the next guy you hire will have the insanely huge ego to deal with those assholes in the locker room? Only the Bri has the brains, and the hair, to make that happen! Idiots! Only I know the secret to preventing Lewis from killing again. And there's no way I'm telling you now! That's your punishment for thinking you could go behind my back, or in front of my back, and fire me!

You know naught what you hath wrought, Ravens. I hope you like wearing chain mail.

Whoa Whoa Whoa, They Have Fried Chicken In Prison?

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, Christ.

Holy smoke. Holy, holy, holiest of smokes.

I am fucking STONED like Betty Ford. Holy shit. I feel so relaxed. I feel like just sinking down and letting the air wash over me. So nice. So very, very nice. Where’s that picture of Rihanna I keep in my pocket?


Oh, girl. There you is. Did you miss me? I missed you, too. Say something to me, baby. I can keep a secret.

(unzips pants)

You miss this? You miss MV7’s MX missile? They don’t call it the peacemaker for nothin’, baby. You’re gonna need that umbrella ella ella of yours. ‘Cause it’s about to rain little Vickpoles!

(starts furiously masturbating)

Oh, God. Oh God, girl. I am gonna come so fucking hard…


Judge: MR. VICK!

Vick: Oh snap! It’s Inspector Todd haunting my dreams again!

Judge: Mr. Vick, you are in my courtroom! Pull your pants back up and stand before me!

Vick: Oh shit! Goddamn, Mister Wapner Man, you scared the shit outta me. What the fuck? Where’s the Doug Llewelyn guy? That guy’s got some big hair and shit. Ha ha! Fucking WASPfro!

Judge: Mr. Vick, in light of your incredibly inappropriate conduct, and the fact that you have shown no genuine remorse over what you did, I see no choice but to sentence you to 23 months in Federal prison.

Vick: 23 MONTHS?! Whoa whoa whoa. That’s like… half a year! What the fuck, man?!

Judge: It’s two years, Mr. Vick. Plenty of time for you to stare at that picture.

Vick: Hold up, yo. Hold the fuck up. Two years? BUT I’M STONED! Don’t you get it? This is the fucking Elder Bud, man. I ain’t ever comin’ down! Why not give me two days? That's just like two years in Weed Standard Time! Or can’t I just play some dice there for an afternoon or something? Or what if I taught prisoners how to read? How hard can that be? All I have to do is learn to read!

Judge: Get out of my courtroom, Mr. Vick.

Vick: Wait! You can’t do this to me! No one’s given me the recipe for butthash yet! C’mon, Mister Wapner Man! I thought we were boys and shit! THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT! I was framed! Roddy White did it!

(Vick is escorted out)

YOU CAN’T DO THIS SHIT TO ME! HOW THE FUCK WILL I LIVE IN PRISON? I NEED MY ROCK GARDEN! Whoa whoa whoa, look! It’s a TV! Hey, that’s Mr. Home Depot Man!



Blank: If Michael eats lots of fried chicken and fries while in prison and comes out 290 lbs…

Vick: What the fuck did he just say? Did Mister Home Depot Man just say what I think he said?

They got fried chicken in prison?

And fries?

Holy shit.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THAT IS AWESOME!

I didn't know that. All I saw at the buffet last week was chicken Kiev! God, I’m so fucking stoned right now. I would fucking kill for some fried chicken. Do they marinate it in buttermilk overnight? Oh my God. So crispy. So crunchy. So tender. Sometimes, there’s that little fried bit on the end of the thigh that is just… FUCK! And fries? Like shoestrings? None of that thickass steak fry shit? Fuck me, that sounds good. You’re telling me I can eat that for two years and only weigh 290?

This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Get my ass back to jail!

(phone buzzes)

Who the fuck is this? A text message?

FROM B. PETRINO: GOIN 2 ARKANSAS. L8R G8R!

Fuckin’ spam texts. Rihanna, you and me are eatin' good tonight!

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Final Episode: Jesus

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, boy.

Holy shitaroo.

Good God, I am fucking stoned like Lara Flynn Boyle after a visit to the abortion clinic. This is nice. Man, I feel like I’m never gonna come down. Ever.

Wait a second. Never come down?

Oh, snap! Shit on a hockey stick! I have found it! I have, at long last, after all these years, found The Elder Bud! I thought it was just a legend and shit! I never thought it actually existed! They say The Elder Bud was planted thousands of years ago by mountain sherpas at the base of the K2. The sherpas had a saying about it. “He Who Smoketh, Beeth Eternally Fucked Upeth.”

Oh, wow.

I’m stoned for fucking life! I could never smoke again and still be fucked up!

I gotta smoke some more.

(takes another hit)

Oh, God. I’m so high. I can barely think in English. Flibba flobba floopa. Dingo mango shakey shakey!

(Jesus appears)


Jesus: Michael.

Vick: Holy fuck! Jesus!

Jesus: Michael, I am here to save you. Are you ready to be saved?

Vick: Oh, Jesus. Jesus, you have no fuckin’ idea how happy I am to see you. Yes, yes I would like to be saved. So, how’s this work? Do you appear in front of my judge and hypnotize him and shit?

Jesus: Michael, I am not here to save you from jail.

Vick: No? Well, pardon me, Jesus, but that’s kinda fucked up.

Jesus: Michael, I am here to save your soul. You have been corrupted by mortal sin. You have lost faith in me, and you have lost faith in yourself. You must learn kindness, and grace. You must learn that the beauty in life comes from loving others, be they people, or dogs, or any other species.

Vick: (cries) Oh, God. What have I done?

Jesus: I know that this can’t be easy for you.

Vick: No, it’s The Elder Bud. I desperately need Visine. Can you turn some water into saline for me?

Jesus: I cannot do that, Michael. I can only offer you eternal salvation.

Vick: Well, that’s all well and good, Jesus. But what I need right now is some motherfuckin' moisture.

Jesus: Michael, you need to pay heed. You’ve already paid the price for your wrongdoing in this life. You’re going to jail. You’ve lost your job. You’ve lost material wealth. But don’t you see how much more there is to lose? It isn’t too late. You can repent. You must be willing to give yourself to Me. Will you join me, Michael? Will you be saved?

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

Vick: Can we get some Chinese food first or something? I’m sorry, Jesus, but I can’t concentrate on shit until I get some egg foo young up in this bitch.

Jesus: Oh, forget it.

(disappears)

Vick: Hey! Hey Jesus, where’d you go? I thought we could play some DDR and shit! Wow, I found The Elder Bud and Jesus on the same day. That is fucking solid.

(takes bong hit)

This is a gonna be a great year.

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.