A Dialogue Between Rex Grossman And A Cirque De Soleil Pregame Performer He Has Just Seduced

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The 2007 KSK Sex Cannon Cumslinging Project

Hello, there. Gentlemen. Ladies. Children, to whom I am more or less indifferent. I’m Rex Grossman. Also, known as The Sex Cannon Known As Rex Grossman. As you know, I play quarterback for the Chicago Bears. And, if I do say so myself, I look pretty fucking hot doing it.

Let me explain something to you Rexettes out there. I don’t wear an athletic supporter out there. I don’t. Too constrictive. My cock does not like being reigned in, and I am not one to go against the wishes of Dr. Death And His Satchel (that’s my nickname for the entire three-piece set). So, before every game, I put on a football belt with the hip pads laced through. Nothing else. Then, I walk in front of a full-length mirror and masturbate to myself masturbating. Then, and only then, do I put on my game pants. We wear white game pants at home. In HD, you can really see my enormous phalange about to burst out of the pant laces. God, it feels so fucking good. Excuse me for a moment.

/finds a woman, nails her

Much better. Anyway, I’m here to ask for your support. Lots of people (strictly men, I assure you) in the Chicago area have recently taken to criticizing me in public. I don’t really know what I did to deserve this. I took you people to a Super Bowl last year. And, thanks to me, Cook County experienced a record number of childbirths in the past year. That’s fucking production. If you don’t like it, fuck you in the nostril.

So what if I fumble a snap or two? Wouldn’t you? I gotta put my hands on Olin Kreutz’ kreutzpie every goddamn play. Yuck. It just feels faggity and wrong. I’ve told coach Smith on many occasions that the Cumslinger works only from the shotgun. But he doesn’t listen, man!

So I’m asking for your help. Are you a Bears a fan? Do you have season tickets? Are you attending a Bears game anywhere this year? Then I want to see a visible sign that you are a member of my Sexy Army. Bring signs. Hold them up. Make sure they say shit like:

-SEX CANNON
-REX IS THROWING IT DOWNFIELD
-DUMPOFF PASSES ARE FOR H---S
-REX UNLEASHES THE DRAGON
-SEXY REXY HAS THE DRAGON.
-REX IS IN THE SEXY BUSINESS.

Or get creative. I don’t care. I’m not a writer. I’m a fucker. Take pictures of your signage in the lot or at the stadium and send them to the lazy douches here at KSK. You’ll get your pics posted and you’ll get a free Sex Cannon t-shirt, a $2.50 value. If you manage to get your sign on live television, you’ll get two free t-shirts and a free fingerbanging, courtesy of yours truly.

You have your marching orders. Let’s light this candle.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

The Sex Cannon is Dead; Long Live the Sex Cannon

Hello there. Those of you expecting an imagined monologue by Rex Grossman following last night's 15-33, 0 TD, 3 INT performance will be sorely disappointed. The Sex Cannon as envisioned by Big Daddy Drew is retired, killed off before the character became too rote and familiar (and thus unfunny).

But that doesn't mean that Grossman has stopped sucking spectacularly, which means that he still deserves our attention. So, in an ongoing effort to reward people who send us intelligent emails and NOT FUCKING BASEBALL BLOG POSTS WE DON'T DO LINK DUMPS YOU WHORES, we've decided to publish this fresh take on Rexy from John Krolik of Truth in a Bullet Fedora, who goes to USC but otherwise seems like an okay person. John writes:

I was originally going to humbly beseech all of you (as I'm sure many readers have), to start a campaign to save Rextacy, as his benching seems imminent at this point, and I don't know what I'd do without The Sex Cannon firing bolt after bolt of sexually-charged lightning every week.

But then I got to thinking: we should save Rex not just because we love his deviant ways and utter lack of caring for the shackles of quarterbacking or monogamy. We should save Rex because it's our duty as Americans. America is a country that runs on not giving a fuck, from the little things (oh, a kilometer is 1/10,000th of the distance from the equator to the North Pole? Fuck all of you, we're using miles because they kick ass.), to the more important things (You don't think it's a good idea for us to go to war? Try and stop us, faggots.) Rex plays quarterback like George Bush runs the country, and this is supposed to be America's game, isn't it? In fact, when you think about it, Rex's career path mirrors that of GWB's: Extreme initial skepticism and hatred from the intellectuals of the game/country, a brief period of redemption (post 9-11/the first half of last season), and then an utter blowup that made everyone say, "wow, we thought he sucked before, but now he REALLY sucks." (The Iraq War/The Super Bowl and this season.) We want our leaders to have balls; John Kerry and Peyton Manning can be as successful as they want through "doing things right," but at the end of the day we go "Yeah, but those guys are faggots."

Well, Rex is no faggot, and while I don't support George Bush, I think that Rex Grossman is America's quarterback. And I don't think he's going anywhere; people have been hating Bush since the beginning, but he's been running this motherfucker for 8 years when it's all said and done.

So, Gay Mafia, save Rex. It's your duty as Americans.

Pretty good, John. Thanks for your cogent argument and top-notch syntax. However, KSK's belief is that there is no need to save Rex. Even if he DOES get benched -- which Lovie Smith says ain't happenin' -- he will live on in our memories. NFL fans will always have a little bit of Rex in them.

By which I mean, we've all been inseminated.

ThreatDown, Chicago Bears: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.


NFC 1st seed -- Chicago Bears (13-3)

We all know the Bears are the tits.

They have a Sex Cannon who can rifle-Rumph you six times before you hit the ground, Throwgasm on your face, then let Tank Johnson unload more weaponry into you than that surge of American troops going into Iraq. Then the game starts.

Their defense will stifle your game like drool going down Kyle Orton's neckbeard. If Mark Anderson, Lance Briggs or Brian Urlacher don't snatch the ball out of your hand and score, Devin Hester breaks your back with a dizzying punt return for a TD.

Urlacher fucked Paris Hilton. Lovie Smith loves white women like Paris Hilton. Rextasy has outfucked Paris Hilton. Barack Hussein Pol Pot Hitler Osama is a huge fan and Condi Rice thinks they're going to the Super Bowl. That's some uni-racial but bi-partisan support.

But, man, do they have some stupid fucking receivers.

Sure, they throw a fine block on a running play. But when will they get it through their leaky nuts that the Sex Cannon doesn't do slants, button hooks, cross patterns, chicks with dicks - okay, he'll do chicks with dicks - but no receiver screens. Even a fade is pushing it. Rexy doesn't have time for foreplay. There's no finessing it down the field with some intricately designed 12-play drive. That's for the West Coast offense. You know who lives on the West Coast? Hairless twinky asexual freaks like Moby or Matt Hasselbeck. What? Moby lives in New York? Whatever - nobody measures up to the Chitown Sexhound.

Rexy wants to go long, hard, deep and all in one motion. If those speedy motherfuckas Berrian and Muhammad don't want to play by the Sex Cannons' rules, he's just gonna give it to the nearest available vessel. If that has to be an opposing defensive back, so be it. He's got this loving inside and it just has to get out.

Any discharge of the Sex Cannon is going to be direct, concussive and felt from miles around. All you have to do is take it in stride, wideouts. Keep taking it and keeping striding. Sexy Rexy has all the man missiles you need.

Rachel Nichols, I'll Let You Inside My Brain If You Let Me Inside Your Hanes Her Ways

Rachel Nichols, you sly little whore. Don't you think I know what you're trying to do, sweetie? Don't you think I can read between the lines in that little article you wrote about me? I've seen you look at me from that little sideline spot of yours. You can't fool the Sex Cannon, dear.

I know you want some cum slung your way.

I don't blame you. It's not every day you encounter an arm like this one, you clandestine slut of sluts. If I had a dime for every woman that tried to get into my head, to explain why Sexy Rexy does what he does, I'd be a rich man. Of course, I'm already a rich man. So what does that tell you? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to turn you on more. I can't seem to stop the sex from emanating out of my body and right into your fallopian tubes. Sorry about that.

Women love to try and get into the mind of the Rextasy. They love the mystery. They want to know: is this guy for real? Is he really just a fearless Love God who commands the Bears offense with maximum daring and bravado? Or is there something more to him?

Well, I can assure you my love, there's nothing more to me. I really am this shallow and depraved. What you see is what you get. And, in this case, what you get is a hot lay. Women seem to think there's something deeper going on with me. Baby, that's only true below the belt. I'm not impregnable. You, on the other hand, are highly pregnable. And I shoot to score.

But let's look deeper into your little article, Ms. Nichols. Let's see what kind of crazy baby games you like playing:


Rex Grossman is familiar with this cranial fascination. Over the past few months, no other athlete has had as many unsolicited offers to diagnose his psyche.

Or as many unsolicited offers to eat coconut frosting out of a married woman's butt. Did Sexy Rexy partake? You know he did. Ill-advised? Hardly.

Of course, Grossman is the first to admit that if he'd been watching himself this season, he'd be wondering what's going on between his ears too. "But that's something you have to work out yourself," he says. "Besides, it's scary in there."

And I'm not lying, honey. Inside my head, you're gonna find yourself strapped to a seesaw and covered in Bananas Foster. Just a warning to you, girl. Don't come into Sexy Rexy's world unless you're willing to submit completely.

There is no comparable research on any athlete's brain, but if jocks have a bravado lobe, Grossman's is certainly enlarged.

Is it ever, baby. My bravado lobe will plow right through that sundress you're wearing. It's so enlarged, bravado juice will come spurting out of your ears.

Since second grade, Grossman's believed that there is very little, if anything, that he cannot do with a football.

Or a corncob. And try from birth.

Through it all, Grossman's groomed-from-age-7 confidence kept him from folding into a jumble of nerves, although even he had his limits. Friends stopped using the word interception around him, and watching or reading anything about sports was banned in his house. Instead, Grossman spent his nights watching old episodes of 24 and movies like Talladega Nights, Mission: Impossible III and White Chicks (twice).

That version of White Chicks happens to star myself, Amber Michaels and Anita Blond. It's #1 on my personal video queue. You and I can watch it while we screw. You should watch me nail those girls. Broke their arms doing it. They loved it. I can break yours too, if you want.

He got out the spiral notebook he carries around Halas Hall and started to make a list of instructions to himself. The most prominent? "Read and React. Just play."

You should see the other motivational slogans in my book:

-No one fucks like the Rex.
-Nobody.
-I fucking mean it. Rex is the best.
-Watching Rextasy sex a girl is like watching God create the Earth. Only hotter.

He turned to Johnson, his road roommate, and compared his future to a craps game. "Well, my man, I got the chips stacked high," he said. "I'm going to have to go out and have a good shoot."

On your face, if you'd like. Who's the big winner when you roll the dice with the Sex Cannon? Your vagina, that's who.

He says everything he's gone through has made him psychologically stronger for what lies ahead, even the seemingly tight margin for error he'll face in the playoffs, where a slow start could lead to a quick hook in favor of backup Brian Griese.

That's where you underestimate me, sweetie. Sexy Rexy lives for tight margins. In fact, the tighter the margin, the more likely the Sex Cannon is to blast through it with a steaming load of freshly shot passes. I'll leave that margin busted wide open so that no one wants to even touch it ever again. Nobody does it better.

I know you want it, Sweetie. But fear not. Sexy Rexy won't make you wait too long for some arm candy. Maybe a week or so. Really get you wild after you see me cocking my arm back all Sunday afternoon. Who can resist some Sexy Rexy armcocking? No one can. Then maybe, just maybe, I'll give you a taste.

Don't play shy and curious with me, sweetie. If you want a piping hot Throwgasm, all you have to do is ask.

Why Are All These Quarterbacks So Gay? A Definitive Guide

Man, why are all these quarterbacks so gay? I don't understand how football can pretend it's the manliest of sports with the most homophobic locker rooms when every team is led by a flaming homosexual.

Peyton Manning. Queer. Yeah, he's married, but how many kids does he have? Zero, because he only has sex with dudes. Check this out: he once appeared onstage to sing with Kenny Chesney. And we all know singing is gay.

Don't get me started on Jeff Garcia. This guy is so gay he had to get engaged to the 2004 Playmate of the Year, Carmella DeCesare. What a crock. Why would a coveted nude pinup deign to marry a wealthy professional athlete? It just doesn't make sense. Everyone knows that a good beard is proportional in fame and hotness to the gay man she moonlights for. It's why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are such a joke, and why Tom Brady has most of America fooled.

Besides, Terrell Owens insinuated he was gay. If we can't trust T.O., who can we trust?

Speaking of Tom Brady...

Just look at him. Oh, sure, he's "dating" Gisele. Wink, wink. Are we really supposed to believe that he impregnated Bridget Moynahan? Get real. She's old and he's gay. How do I know? Well, for starters, he's good-looking and dresses well. That's fucking queer. Plus he was photographed holding a goat. And anyone photographed with a farm animal automatically likes bestiality, which is the same thing as being gay.

The evidence is just overwhelming. I can't believe more people don't realize it.

Donovan McNabb. Disliked by Rush Limbaugh; in commercials with his mother. Gay.

Chris Simms. Too easy. Next.

Tony Romo. Dimpled, attractive, youthful face = obviously gay. His public announcements of crushes on blonde pop starlets Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood were painfully contrived. Why? Because his favorite blond is Chris Simms. Did I just make that up? Probably.

Trent Green, Mark Brunell and Kurt Warner are all devoutly Christian, and we all know devoutly Christian = closet case. Well, except for Warner. There's nothing closeted about marrying a man.

Matt Leinart actually might not be gay, but now that he's slept with Paris Hilton, he's at least got the gay diseases.

People seem to think Rex Grossman has a way with the ladies, and they give him a lot of credit for being the Sex Cannon. More like the Butt Sex Cannon. Have you seen his eyebrows? That shit gets waxed twice a week, and tweezed daily. He's a three-dollar bill, my friends. A three-dollar bill.

Alex Smith. Women find him atractive. Thus, he is gay. (See also: David Carr, Philip Rivers)

My favorite gay quarterback is Matt Hasselbeck. He did a pretty good job of pretending he was straight for a long time, having a wife who gave birth a couple times to babies that he allegedly donated his sperm to. But then he took this picture:

And it is obvious, conclusive evidence that Matt Hasselbeck likes sex with men. It was probably his idea for him and Trent Dilfer (also gay) to take their shirts off. Also: black and white photography is gay.

J.P. Losman. Long hair. Loses a lot. Gay and gay.

Eli Manning was clearly sexually abused by his older brother. Hence his closeted self-loathing is taken out on the football field (where he is timid and cowardly) and in karaoke bars (where he is fabulous).

Michael Vick. NOT gay. Also: not really a quarterback. QED.

Joey Harrington plays the piano. See also: Elton John; Liberace.

Brett Favre has a long-running secret affair with columnist Peter King; Chad Pennington feathers his hair; Vince Young is a top; Brad Johnson is a bottom; Aaron Brooks is a queen; Ben Roethlisberger is a bear; Marc Bulger likes hard cock so much, he changed his last name to Bulger; Jay Cutler's mother cuts his hair [EDIT: see also Carson Palmer]; Byron Leftwich pretends to be injured just so his big, strong teammates will carry him downfield; Daunte Culpepper moved to Miami for the lifestyle opportunities in South Beach; Charlie Frye throws like a girl; Jake Delhomme is willing to try anything; Steve McNair actually uses Nair; and Drew Brees... hmm... I got nothin' on him. I guess he's the exception that proves the rule.

Gay, gay, gay, and gay. So there, John Amaechi. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You know, figuratively.

*Not included: Jon Kitna. I think he's some kind of asexual alien.

Your Steve Irwin Memorial 2006/Very-Small-Portion-Of-2007 Meast Of The Year

What is this, like an internet honor? That’s what you guys do? Hang out on the internet? That’s cool. I like the internet. It’s got pictures of people fucking, and I like fucking. That’s all me.

You know, this offseason has given me a lot of time to think. Maybe it’s time I settled down and really learned my position. I gonna study tapes of all the great ones: Unitas, Montana, Elway, Salisbury – to figure out the nuances of proper NFL quarterbacking. I’m gonna learn to play within myself. I’m gonna learn to start winning games with my head, and not just my arm. It’s time for me to mature as a player. It’s time for me to mature AS A MAN.






Nah, I’m just fucking with you. I would never do that. That’s for queers like Manning.

Can you believe it? We get six months off! How fucking awesome is that? It would have been seven too if they didn’t make me work all January. Well, I’ve got some major league plans to fill all that time and lots of ladies with my ample manpaste. In fact, I even made myself a little list of everything I’d like to accomplish this offseason:

The Sex Cannon’s Goals For the 2007 Offseason

-Throw a Hutch ball 200 yards while masturbating
-Have a plaster cast made of my arm to recreate the “Anal Intruder” sex toy from Top Secret!
-Hey, didn’t we have a Mexican d-coordinator? Where did he go? He was gonna introduce me to his niece. I wanna nail her and then have her cook me some arroz con pollo.
-Learn to speak Mexican
-Stack two waterbed mattresses on top of one other. Fuck on that.
-Fuck on a trampoline
-Fuck on a rock
-Fuck on top of this 500-lb. guy I know named Jim
-Pose on the cover of SI for Kids. Make sure they retouch a comet tail onto the ball I’m throwing. That would be fucking sweet.
-Start children’s charity that teaches underaged kids both how to throw a football and make love like a wild boar
-Try wild boar
-Compose list of words that sound German but are not (example: fluffen: snow)
-Nail German chick
-Make sure her German boyfriend watches and cries
-Lease videotape collection to Orton
-Buy puppy. Fuck it.
-Design official KSK Sex Cannon t-shirt and put it on sale 3 months too late
-Go to gun shop. Tell them I don’t need any guns because I am already fully stocked. Throw a football in the clerk’s face
-Throw cup of warm semen into a NOW rally
-Learn guitar, because guys who rock the guitar get major league pussy
-Let the circus girl out her box. Feed her a Cheez-It
-Laugh out loud when the Bears draft Troy Smith in the second round
-Procreate with every last one of you

Meast of the Year Voting Breakdown:
Grossman: 19 votes
Sanders: 7
Merriman: 6
Prince: 5
LDT: 4
B. Scott: 3
L. Neal: 3
J. Taylor: 2
J. Brown: 2 (shame on you people)
Panthers D: 2 (and the one I’d vote for)
Bears D: 2
Pacman: 2
D. Williams: 2
Faneca: 1
85: 1
Josh Jeff Reed’s wang: 1
Cincinnati Police Department: 1
Me: 1
Eli Manning: 0

We're Bringing Sexy Back

Today is another special day here at KSK and I'm pleased be introducing you to the newest offerings in our line of haute-couteur. Earlier in the offseason we debuted the collection with the uber-exclusive Sex Cannon logo. Well after a long discussion with Rextacy himself I learned that multiple designs--like orgasms--are vastly supperior to the singular alternative. So brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen (mostly ladies) because we're unloading the goodness all over your chest.

'99 Draft Class

The single greatest crop of quarterbacks to ever hit the NFL Draft was supposed to make us forget all about Marino, Elway, and all the other old fuckers that we didn't like that much to begin with. At KSK we honor this mishapen menagerie of signal callers, even if a few of them are selling robot insurance at Leisureworld.

Truthfully I just made this shirt because I really wanted it for myself. I liked the way it came out so I decided to make it available to the general public. So here they are, three different styles of the ubiquitous Starting 5 shirt.

The five greats featured in their team color on lightweight coton flanked by the heavyweight t-shirt in black with gold and the ladies option. If you are looking for different colors or styles all you have to do is email me with your request, we're quite flexible.

Sexy Business

Are you sexy? Do you make said sexy work for you? Then you my friend are in the Sexy Business. Another homage to our favorite Sex Cannon this shirt sums up everything that is the cumslinger.












On the left is the sexy red ringer shirt for all the hipsters out there lookin' for love in all the sexy places. To the right we have the team color edition of said shirt; either way, you're ready to fuck.

But what about the ladies??? Oh don't worry about that, it's about time we spread the sexy downstairs.












Ah...combine the sublime hotness that is the hip hugging undergarment with the overt sexiness of KSK and you're guarnateed to attract some attention (especially if you're wearing nothing else).

Now all we need is some models! We tried putting them on Ape's cat but...uh...that didn't end well. So all you lady readers out there need to get your shit in gear! Free merchandise for the first piece of ass to send us that picture.

NEW UPDATE!

GET YOUR KSK GEAR RIGHT HERE!

The Death Of Rex Grossman

And... that'll be all for the Sex Cannon. It made sense to lionize our friend Rex Grossman back when he threw up the occasional 3 TD game. Unfortunately Sexy Rexy is, in reality, just another shit QB. So take care, Cumslinger. It was fun while it lasted. But I think we're all looking for something a bit more stable now.

But could there be another potential Sex Cannon on the Bears roster?


Well, I'll be damned.

People Of Miami, The Sex Cannon Is Here To F--k

Well, the Bears landed yesterday. And if you don't think The Sex Cannon That Is Rex Grossman will be using the next seven days to film his own personal gonzo porn miniseries, you are wrong. It'll be like Angels in America, except not queer.

Reader Justin sent me this photo, but even better was the link he sent me to the footage of Rex Grossman shooting a Got Milk ad. Nothing can really prepare you for this. Suffice it to say, Sexy Rexy is quite amused to find that, for once, he's the one getting the facial.

Men In Scarves Belong Nowhere Near The Sex Cannon

Huge props go out to The Big Lead (I cannot emphasize their awesomeness enough) for uncovering the inevitable. I can only assume this is what Grossman was talking about when he told reporters after the Packer loss in Week 17:

"I was going to play about a half, it's the last game, New Year's Eve, and there were so many factors that brought my focus away from what is actually important."

Don't be fooled by this shy little quote. Sexy Rexy knows damn well what is "actually important." In fact, he has a list of it in his locker:

Rextasy's List of Actually Important Things:
-Fucking this bitch
-Fucking that bitch
-Fucking anything that moves

And buddy in the scarf, you are in the way of Rex getting to some vitally important poon tang. So fuck off. Go listen to a Barenaked Ladies CD, or read a Bill Simmons chat or do whatever it is that douchebags do. Get the hell out of the Sex Cannon's line of fire. There's no telling when that sumbitch is gonna go off in your face. Take notes, Rachel Nichols.

I’m Not Going Down Without A F--k!

Hold up. Wait a fucking second. What’s all this talk about Rex Grossman heading to the bench?! Do you see Rex Grossman walking to the bench? Do you see Lovie Smith calling for Brian Griese? Do you? DO YOU?!

Do you think I’m going to just sit idly by while some other jackass gets to throw my ball and take my audience? Do you really think Rex Fucking Grossman would just quietly accept his fate?! Do you think these eyes can’t tame a wild cougar?

Fuck that shit. I am not going down without a fuck.

You heard me. If you want to take my job, you’ll have to come and fuck the ever-loving shit out of me if you want to do it. Rex Grossman is no quitter. He will fuck and fuck and fuck until there’s no fuck left in him. That’s how he was born, that’s how he was raised, and that’s how he’ll die: fucking. If you think I’m going down without some serious hardcore, elbow-deep-in-your-butt gangbanging, you are sadly mistaken. I’m not backing down on this one. On the contrary. I am locked and loaded and ready to spray my salty jism all over this town if it means being able to do what I love most. I didn’t get this far not to fuck for what I believe in. I’m taking a stand. I’m holding my ground. And I’m fucking on it.

Think you can just waltz in here and tell the Sex Cannon what to do? Over my hard body. I fucked hard to get into this position. You're gonna have to come get it. Naked. With my penis inside you.

Want to put me down for good, Chicago? Just. Fucking. Bring. It. And don’t think I won’t get my shots in. I got a nut just waiting for your eye. This is gonna be tooth and nail. Ass and ball. Tit and clit. Cock and mouth. If I lose, so be it. But there’s still some sex left in this cannon. I’ll fuck to the end. This was sexy business. But now it’s sexy personal.

So prepare yourself. You’ve got one big fuck on your hands. I may be going down. On you. But I’m going down swinging. My dick.

1, 2, 3 FUCK!

These Are the Glengarry Leads

Welcome back to another week of your NFL gambling guide, Always Be Covering. Those of you who take this feature to heart probably recall that I went a combined 0-4 in last week's picks. Readers sometimes forget that this is a humor site that leans heavily on satire, sarcasm, and dick jokes. Even my closest friends and family members have given me shit for making crappy picks. Granted, they may not be as savvy as our diehard fanbase (the emotionally stunted masses) but I assumed they knew better then to take this post seriously.

Well now they can, this week I'm going for gold. I have personally placed each one of these wagers prior to post time.

Note: For my regularly scheduled and relatively serious gambling tips remember to check out Gambling on the Amateurs over at Deadspin.

Alright people, this isn't Rio fucking Rancho we're working with today, these are the real deal, these are the Glengarry leads.

The "Fuck or Walk" Game of the Week
This is the big bet of the week. If I'm picking one game and I'm looking to double my pretzel monies this is the one I'd fuck with.

Risk 55 to win 52

Cincinnati -7 (-105) at Cleveland
Dear Bookmakers,



Sincerely,
The Maj

The Dave Moss Bet of Desperation
This is pretty much the opposite of the above bet. Moss' desperation was evident but if he had one more shot he wouldn't have to dupe Shelley into stealing the Glengarry leads. Instead, he could just blow his bankroll on a toss-up prop bet.

Risk 25 to win 21

Under 4 Total Sacks on Monday Night Football (-120)
Washington lost Jon Jansen and like any young quarterback with a big arm Jason Campbell takes too many sacks. Of course all of that is irrelevant. The Redskins are going to run the ball forty times and everybody knows their defense's weakness is the pass rush. Couple that with the fact that they've never been able to touch McNabb and you've got yourself a winner (but a push is just as likely).

The Ricky Roma Special
I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion... If everyone thinks one thing, then I say, bet the other way... -Ricky Roma

Risk 50 to win 50

Seattle -3 (EVEN) at Arizona
The Seahawks paying even money but Arizona is +3 at -120 (meaning you have to risk 120 to win 100) because the Buzzsaw looked soooo good on Monday. San Fran's defense is a bit better with Patrick Wills and Nate Clements. So now they're loose like Lindsay Lohan as opposed to being loose like Paris Hilton. Seattle's just a bit more fresh, like Hayden Panettiere.

Shelley "The Machine" Levene's Gotta Have It Teaser
Poor ol' Shelley needs that one big score but he doesn't have the balls to play things straight up. Note: All lines have been "teased" by six points (pays 9/5).

Risk 30 to win 54

St. Louis +3 vs. San Fransicso
Even without Orlando Pace there's no chance they drop this one at home. Besides, San Francisco doesn't have an edge rusher that can exploit his absence. But most importantly, Frank Gore looks like a sniveling little bitch next to the awesomeness of Stephen Jackson.

Oakland +16 at Denver
In two meetings last year Denver scored a combined 30 points. They didn't win by more than ten in either game and Oakland's defense looks just as strong this year. Ronald Curry is easily the best wide receiver/point guard in the NFL while Rob Ryan is the league's premier defensive coordinator/sex symbol. That guy makes the ladies wetter than your mom when Ufford's in the room.

Chicago -6.5 vs. Kansas City
I know I mentioned this last year, but it bears repeating. When in doubt, bet against any team coached by Herm Edwards. The Sex Cannon could win this game with his left hand while gripping the Lil' Cannon with his throwing hand.

The Just For the Fuck of It Texas Southeastern Road Trip Parlay Super Bonus!
Risk 29 to win 75

Houston +7 at Carolina
aka Underrated +7 at Overrated. Yeah, I'm getting that tingly feeling too!

Dallas -4 at Miami
The Redskins played like crap and they still beat Miami by a field goal. They could play this game in thongs on the beach and I'd take those Cowboy fuckers. Besides, Trent Green would probably pull a Robert Edwards the second foot touched sand.

This post is for entertainment purposes only. Payouts may not be exact and lines are subject to change.

NFC Championship Chat: 2nd Half

And now for the anticlimactic finish to our NFC Championship Chat. If you missed it, you can read Part One here.

Christmas Ape: Jean Grey is meowing at the falling snow. Cats are almost as dumb as Rex Grossman.
Captain Caveman: They're better at feeling a blindside rush.

Also more likely to survive in traffic than Grossman
***flubby has entered the room.***
CC: Where'd ya go flub?
flub: Carrying in baby shower gifts from the car.
CC: Your life sucks.
flub: I can look at them now while it is halftime.
Monday Morning Punter: Chris Meyers + hat =
Ape: The chimney sweep look.
CC: It's a good look for him. "Shine ya shoes, guvnah?"
MMP: Hey, and snow. Now some tits and we're good.
CC: Is Joe Buck wearing a turtleneck?
MMP: Yeah, and he was wearing a tie pre-game.
MMP: What a fag.
[The second half begins with Grossman completing a pass to Berrian for 17 yards, then overthrowing a bomb down the sideline.]
CC: Grossman opening the second half with a monstrous erection.
MMP: That was the "yeah, we're still gonna throw" facade.

***flubby has left the room.***
MMP: Baby gifts beckon.
[3rd and 8: Grossman overthrow. Bears punt. Commercial.]
CC: I fucking hate you, Wendy's.
MMP: I would punch that gentleman in his nose.
CC: EAT THE WHOLE TINY CHEESEBURGER!
CC: And who eats fast food in the library?
MMP: That whole meal is like 3/4 of a bite.
[With the Saints backed up at their 12, Reggie Bush makes a catch, and...]

Ape: Goodnight.
MMP: No.
MMP: Fucking.
MMP: Way.
CC: Holy shit.
MMP: Don't dance, ass.
CC: Me want watch again.
MMP: He had to do a stupid dance.
MMP: And the taunt and the flip?
CC: Yeah, I hate the taunt.
MMP: Dude made an AWESOME run, why does he have to do that shit?
CC: That's a disgusting act and I want Joe Buck to pass judgment on it.
MMP: Joe liked the flip.
MMP: I'm not super pissed about it.
MMP: I just don't get it.
MMP: I'm gonna shut up.
CC: Good idea.

[After the ensuing kickoff, Thomas Jones gets tackled by Will Smith for a 2-yard loss.]
CC: That thing we're feeling? It's the momentum changing.
Ape: Will Smith doesn't get a "Going to Miami" song montage? Fox is terrible.
CC: That tackle was FRESH.


CC: Nice backfield Pursuit of Happyness.
MMP: My dad HATES Will Smith.
MMP: Parents just don't understand.

[Saints ball. They begin driving with the secret weapon of fullback Mike Karney]
CC: Small hands, smells like cabbage.
MMP: Karney PWNS the Bears' D right now.
Flub: WTF is wrong with the Bears' D?
MMP: They're going underneath.
CC: Bears D is OK, it's the Saints O that had adjusted.
MMP: Yep.
[Just as quickly, the drive stalls on the edge of FG territory.]
CC: Grossmanesque overthrow there.
CC: Nice throw "Rex."
MMP: Cundiff will attempt the 47-yarder...
CC: miss
flub: no way
MMP: miss
[Cundiff misses short and right.]
CC: That was like the Oceans 11 scene: "Ten bucks says he shorts it."
MMP: That hurts.
CC: Saints have still got momentum... but momentum and the lead would be nicer.

MMP: Bears need a big drive here.
[FOX shows Grossman's stats so far...]
MMP: Rexy 4/17.
CC: Niiiice.
[Not surprisingly, the Bears punt. Sean Maynard drops a 51-yarder out of bounds at the 5.]
MMP: Maynard!
Ape: MVP for Bears? Maynard or Gould?
CC: Somebody who kicks the ball.
MMP: Maynard punts more accurately than Grossman throws it.

CC: That commercial was HOTT.
flub: Playing hoops in an airplane hanger, I don't get it.
CC: Neither do I, but it made me want to read some NBA blogs.

[Brees intentional grounding in the end zone: safety, 18-14, Bears]
MMP: MO
MMP: mentum
CC: BREES BLOWS.
MMP: Walk like an Egyptian.
CC: Credit Maynard with one of those two points
CC: And why didn't the Saints even TRY to run there?
Ape: well, my final score prediction for this game was 17-14 Bears, so long as no one scores again, I was close.
MMP: Here comes the snow!!!!!!
[Note: at this time, commenter "R" said, "That's not snow...it's frozen load." Nice work.]

[A Maynard 66 yd punt barely goes into end zone]
CC: Maynard out of magic there.
MMP: AAWWWWWWW Maynard!!!!
MMP: More backspin on that one next time. Shoulda hit the lob wedge.
CC: That dude's really good.
MMP: He's a motherfucking SNIPER!
[Bears ball again after a Saints punt. Grossman begins his 4-for-4 touchdown drive...]
MMP: Grossman completion # 5.
CC: What is that, 5 for 20 now?
MMP: I'm still rooting for Sex Cannon vs. Laser Rocket Arm SB.
CC: Orton's wasted.
[end of third quarter]

[More completions from Rextasy...]
MMP: Rex just woke up.
CC: Settle down, we still haven't seen a Grossman INT yet.
Ape: Aikman is trying to jinx Rex into a pick.

MMP: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
CC: No WAY.
flub: Oof.
MMP: Get the fuck out!
CC: B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
MMP: I just spilled my shitty soda all over the floor.
CC: New Orleans Saints, you've been cannonized.
MMP: Payton is displeased.
CC: Fred Thomas looked like Dave Thomas on that coverage.
flub: Wendy's Dave Thomas of SCTV Dave Thomas?
Ape: "The snow isn't the only white stuff in your face."
MMP: He severely underthrew him, but Rex celebrates anyway.

[The Bears DE with the long name sacks and strips Brees. We trade some boring banter. During the review, FOX goes to commercial...]


MMP: Mischa Barton looks terrible these days.
[Back from commercial, and...]
MMP: Somebody tell that robot he's never gonna play.
CC: But he's loose, he's ready to get in the game.
[The ref is adamant in his judgment to back up Chicago on the fumble]
MMP: "Clearly."
Ape: Recovered CLEARLY... Snooty bastard.
flub: Which one of the KSK geniuses predicted Bears 24 Saints 13?
MMP: That was you, flub.
CC: Game ain't over yet Nostradamus.
CC: The Saints still have time to blow the Bears out and make me correct.

[Benson scores from 12 yards out. Bears, 32-14, 11:30 to play.]
MMP: Game over.
CC: Game over.
flub: Whoopass.
[Two plays later, Brees gets intercepted.]
Ape: OK, it's extra over now.
CC: The Saints should just walk off the field and commit seppuku in the locker room.
MMP: Habitat for Humanity took the 1-1/2.
MMP: Suckers.
Ape: It's tequila time so I can get in angry mood for AFC title game.
MMP: I don't see Reggie dancing now.

MMP: Ghost Rider?
CC: Eh.
MMP: Me too.
flub: That has to suck.
CC: Yes Eva Mendes, no Nic Cage.
MMP: Cage doesn't do it for me.
CC: He sucks four out of five movies, then gives you a Leaving Las Vegas or Adaptation.
flub: Raising Arizona.
CC: He's the Plaxico Burress of actors.
Ape: I interviewed Cage, Spike Jonze, and Charlie Kaufman for Adaptation for my college paper. Nic Cage just sat there for 20 minutes. They all signed the press kit though. Should probably sell that on the eBays.

[More sideline shots mean the action on the field is less important.]
Ape: Nice chap stick on Mike Brown.
flub: Mike Brown is killing that lip balm.
flub: He used at least half the tube.
Ape: Got herpes from the Sex Cannon.
flub: "Rex looks randy, better slather on another coat."

[Thomas Jones scores from 15 yards. 39-14, Bears.]
MMP: Thomas Jones reversing field to humiliate the Saints even further.
CC: Announcers giving the N.O. requiem
MMP: Lovie Smith doesn't care about....whatever
flub: Somebody call FEMA.
CC: Nobody could have predicted the white linebackers wouldn't hold up.
MMP: Nobody outside of this chat, that is.
flub: No shit, this ain't the Big 10.

CC: Who predicted a 38-13 score?
CC: Oh yeah, I've still got it.
[FOX cuts to Bears owner Virginia McCaskey.]
flub: Is she wearing a bear?
CC: I'd hit it.
MMP: With a shovel, perhaps.

[And finally, the the people of New Orleans's suffering comes to a close...]
flub: The Fridge is waiting by the phone -- he'll be cashing in on the nostalgia.
CC: "We have to give credit to Rex Grossman" -- Troy Aikman
MMP: I respectfully disagree.
MMP: It will be an adjustment for me as a viewer, going back to a domed stadium.
MMP: And taking off the 5/8 cleats.

FINAL: BEARS 39, SAINTS 14

Coming this weekend: the long-anticipated AFC Chat. Stick around. We know you don't have football to watch.

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - Seahawks @ Bears

Seahawks made it to Chicago only because the Cowboys schruted last week's game.

The football illuminati tell us that if the Bears are to succeed, Rex Grossman must return to the form he exhibited earlier this season. If he doesn't, the perception is that the Bears will lose or, in the alternative, turn to Brian Griese and then lose. However, more likely to me is a third option: Grossman will continue to exhibit shaky play and the Bears, as they have all season, will find a way to win in spite of the Cannon's misfiring. Grossman's spotty play may yet prove to be the undoing of the Bears, but it won't be this week. I can't shake the feeling that regardless of who wins this game it will be a total debacle. You know what? I'm cool with this.

Throughout the course of the season, and even into the playoffs, some dog-ass performances get turned in. For all the lip-service given by players and coaches to "taking it to the next level" in the playoffs, there are an ample number of teams who keep on making the same mistakes they made all season (or in Terry Glenn's case, inventing new ways to lose games). Last week, the Chiefs (aka the NFL's Die Cast Dude) were simply horrid and devoid of anything resembling fundamentally sound offense. The Colts were never in danger of losing and it was generally a shitty football game. But did I turn off the television and do something productive with my time? Hell 2 da naw.

In the event of a Bears victory, women of child-bearing age are advised to maintain a safe distance from the Sex Cannon... perhaps say, Rockford.

Not every game can be a Steve-Sabol-boner-inducing NFL Films classic. Sometimes the NFL, especially when you have no rooting or wagering interest, is worthwhile solely because it is 3 1/2 hours to unplug yourself from reality. These are the playoffs, fool. Pretty soon it will be mid-February and the games will be over and all you will catching yourself saying something gay like "when do pitcher and catchers report?" The last few games of the season are quickly passing us by. Each one, no matter how dull and inartful, must be savored. We must treasure each and every game, even the shitty ones. We must clench even these unaesthetic affronts to the very dignity of the Game to our bosoms. We must savor every dropped pass and Joe Buck hyperbole while we still can. We must devour the carcasses of these games and suck the marrow from their bones. Let us live this next fortnight like it were our last. You shall eat the last hot wing. You shall have another beer. And another. Hit on that chick even though she is wearing an Eagles jersey and is way out of your league. Do not allow this season to go gentle into that good night. Let's get ready for some shitty football!!!

Buzzkill moment: we may be about ten days away from 'Super Bowl Shuffle 2007'.

Rexstacy Wants To Fulfill Your Fantasies

I made the championship of my fantasy league this year. In my five or so years of playing fantasy, I've never even made the playoffs, let alone the championship. This win will finally validate my razor-sharp football acumen, so there's a lot of fucking pride at stake here. And who might be my starting quarterback for this monumental encounter? You guessed it:


The Sex Cannon himself. Now I know what you're thinking: how the fuck did you reach the championship game with that asshole as your starting QB? Suffice it to say, my roster is deep enough that I can bench the Cumslinger when necessary or make up for those days when Rex wants to impress the ladies by showing he can win a game without even touching the ball. Anyway, Rex has a good matchup against the woeful Lions this weekend, so I'm taking the gamble and suiting him up. I asked him yesterday how he felt going into this all-or-nothing contest:

"We have a game Sunday? Fuck, I didn't even know. They don't tell me when the games are played. I just run out onto the field and start aiming lasers for fucking Saturn, you know what I mean? If there's a defense there, whatever. Sexy Rexy is more than happy to spray hot passes all over the defense's chest. Who are we playing? The Lions? Pfft. Those guys aren't sexy. You telling me Jon Kitna is sexy? I've seen white supremacists in prison who are sexier than that do-gooder. No wonder he's a devout Christian. What kind of pussy would he pull on the open market? Dumpster pussy, that's what.

What's that color the Lions wear? Honolulu Blue? Yeah, well I nailed six Hawaiian Tropic girls last week. So while those assholes are busy wearing Honolulu, I'm busy fucking it. Wore my mesh practice top the whole time, too. And in front of a mirror. Ever stick your finger up your own ass? God, it just felt so right.

Jesus, now that you told me I'm playing Detroit, I'm all fucking hot. God dammit. I gotta go throw something. Now. I just... I just can't take the anticipation. It's driving me buc wild. Such a depleted secondary. So many long, long throws. You know I accidentally fucked Olin Kreuntz once? True story.

So, you play fantasy football? That's funny. Because I am fantasy football. Girls watch me throw and they ovulate. It's just the way I move. So poised. So strong. So fluid. They know I'm undressing the defense with my arm. Oh, Daddy says that Rex Grossman is up to no good. And you know what, honey? Your daddy is right. I am thinking nasty, nasty thoughts when I'm out there. I throw that ball sixty yards, and I just wanna ram a stick of butter up some girl's ass. I can't help it. Football and sex just go together for me. It's a natural fit, just like any girl is a natural fit on me.

Hope you win, kid. Either way, Rex is fucking that night."

Needless to say, I'm in good hands.

Zip Codes? They Mean Nothing. The First Ever KSK Reader Mail Bukkake

I went to a holiday party this weekend. I told two people I won a blogging award. I may was well have whipped out a Starfleet Academy student ID. This award blows. A Cable Ace award has more cachet. I need to a better award, like Girthiest Schlong, or Best Hair (Seriously, my hair is gorgeous. Thick. Full. Lustrous. Men and women alike swoon over it.).

Now, there are two ways to do a mailbag. You can either post the question and then answer it, or you can do what Dr. Z does and simply write the answers, leaving every other reader utterly baffled as to what the question was.

To John in Lexington, you know what? You're right. It was a fly pattern. And thanks for the Barolo.

Wait, what?

I think we'll do it the first way. Let's cream this cracker. Some emails were cut down a bit, but otherwise most are posted as written, even including your spelling and grammar mistakes. Let it be your mark of shame.

Dear Dr. Drew - I am a Vikings fan, like yourself, and wonder what your thoughts are on the total suckness that is Brad Johnson of late. Do you happen to think that he’s intentionally throwing games because he's paid about as much as Mike Epps these days and is trying to make a point? Or does he truly suck, and is not worth bringing back next year? Statistically Brad Johnson's year is an anomaly, which is why I believe he's throwing games. Your thoughts?

Thanks,
Josh Benesh , MN

Well Josh, the clitoris is located just above the entry point of... oh, I'm sorry. It said Dr. Drew, so I put on my "sensible sex therapist" hat for just a moment. If Brad Johnson threw a game, it would only go 3 yards. Is he worth bringing back next year? Uh, no. I'd rather have Mike Buck. T-Jack looked good against the Jets. Anyone would in relief of Oldie McNoodlearm.

Pac or B.I.G.?, or any other rap artist you deem the best at his/her craft and don't tell me you'd rather stick a fork in your eye than listen to rap. Oh yeah, would you let Nate Newton solely deliver what's obviously going to be a surplus of fan-mail for BDD? He might be interested.

-Sean, Dallas, Texas

You're asking me a hip hop question? Has my complete and utter whiteness not been made perfectly obvious? I like hip hop, but like rock, you have to wade through an awful lot of shit to find something good. Anyway, my two favorite hip hop artists are A Tribe Called Quest and The Pharcyde, which is the answer all 30-year-old white people give. But damn if "Electric Relaxation" doesn't make me want to dry hump anything within a 10-yard radius (daughter excluded). And, so no one calls me a copout, I'll take Tupac. But both are excellent drinking music.

Oh, and I got 24 emails. Sean Landeta could deliver this mailbag.

what up drew,
what do you think the chances are that vince young will be the first quarterback (to my knowledge) to undergo tommy john surgery?

Dave, Iowa

Good point. But when you're Vince Young, you can pull off throwing like a girl. He could play in a tutu and still be a badass. But wait, Dave has more:

oh a side note, about rex grossman. I've heard an inordinate ammount of stories about the "sex cannon's" past drug use, prior to entering the nfl. I've no idea how true any of them are, but it makes you wonder. this would include:
-Smoking up before each of his high school fb games. not a huge deal really.
-But then there's the nickname "Rexstacy" from his Florida days.
-Then there's a buddy of mine who moved out to LA for a few years. He bounced around, and was kinda being a bum. Anyhow, he met a kid who went to Florida. The kid from Florida claimed that his roomate used to sell Grossman coke.

Now, I don't know how true any of this is, at all, but to misuse the classic Terrell Owens quote, "if it looks like a rat, and it smells like a rat, by golly it's rat."

Rexstacy is a damn near perfect nickname. I can hear him throwing a TD and screaming, "Oh, I'm in the throes of rexstacy, sluts!" As for the coke, I think that's obvious from his play on the field.

Whats up with your unnatural obsession with bukkake?

PS: spell check for bukkake comes up Hanukkah
-lbutler

Well, when I was a kid, I accidentally fell into this sand pit someone had dug at the beach. I screamed for help, but the only people that came were a group of drunken lifeguards. And, instead of helping me, they...

I think I've said too much. Let's move on.

So, how much cocaine does Chris Berman go through in a given day?

-A.I.

Not as much as Rexstacy. Weren't you supposed to be traded by now?

What happened to Footsteps Falco?
dale, San Fran. CA

Falco is regarded by many as the quiet genius of our group. You don't know this, but Falco volunteered early on to drop 65 tabs of LSD a day and email us with whatever was currently going on in his mind. Here's an excerpt:

"riverrun, past adam and eve's, and HOLY FUCK A CHIMERA! AGGGGGHHHH THE FIRE! THE FIRE STINGS MY GUMS!!!! HE FEASTS UPON MY INSIDES! No, no, no, mother! Don't come at me with that paring knife! Little Billy was only eight! Who took my Dunkaroos? Whoever took my Dunkaroos, there will be hell to pay!!!! I like paint. Why are the walls all flapping?!"

Clearly, he's our Syd Barrett.

Can you name the last time you witnessed something so sad as a second year, 6th round QB getting his first chance to start on national television only to have his teammates railroad him like a rented stripper at a 90's Cowboys late night? Derek Anderson did just about everything he could to win, but between the miriad of dropped passes, the complete impotence of the running game, and the general construction crew work ethic (and talent level) of the defensive line the Cleveland Browns got raped on pseudo-national television. Neat-o gang!

-Dan, Cleveland

Don't hold back, Dan. Tell me exactly how you feel. The tragedy of the Browns is just how untalented they are. Even Oakland and Arizona fall ass backwards into a good player now and then. There are two talented players on the Browns: Winslow and Braylon. And they are both Class A buttfucks.

How many sportscasters will miss the unintentional comedy of Mississippi State having a football recruit named Mike Hunt?

-Lou Pickney

Unintentional comedy? Sorry, we only traffic in intentional comedy here, since we know how to write actual jokes, instead of pointing out things we think are funny.

I actually managed to get the signature Mike Hunt into my senior class' yearbook (the one they put in the school library). However, the other joke name I wrote, Heywouldyouliketo Suckmyhairycock, was too clever by half.

Great blog, but there's just one thing, KSK: Do you have to use so many cuss words?
-Brad K.

What the fuck you talking about?

Drew,

Which hype ridden college quarterback do you think Al Davis is most likely to ruin the career of through the simple act of drafting him Troy Smith, Brady Quinn, or someone else entirely? Or will the Raiders completely ignore the QB issue and make the brilliant move of drafting another offensive lineman? Because surely the only issue with Aaron Brooks is the lack of protection, I mean seriously that guy is a new right guard away from MVP quality numbers right?

Thank You,
Warren Niffenegger

Warren, your last name is totally racist. The Raiders will draft Brady Quinn. And he'll suck. But, I assure you, it won't be because he was "ruined".

Would it be ok to root for my team (the Rams) to lose with the hope that the losing would lead to more winning? Your thoughts would be most likely uneducated, but somewhat appreciated.

Yours in sports addiction and wasting time on the Internets,
Brad_Lee from St. Louis

No, it's not all right. Rooting against your team never works and makes you feel like an ass. So don't do it. Unless you have money against them. Or a fantasy player playing against them. Or... eh, what the fuck do I care? It's the Rams. Send death threats to the front office, for all I care. It's not like they haven't done likewise.

Why is the media so unwilling to give Parcells credit for being the first lesbian head football coach in the National Football League?
Thanks. I'll hang up and listen.
Bad Barbecue

You're right. The pleated khaki shorts seal it. Parcells sucks pussy! All he needs now is a Cavalier King Charles that looks like him.

You're a raving anti-dentite!! Next you'll be saying is they should have their own schools.

Kevin

But they do have their own schools!

Hey Drew
As a fellow Vikings fan, would it be safe to mail the rest of the season in and start looking back at the glory days of our favorite team?

MN Dudeman

Why don't you just cheer for the fucking Rams, assfuck?

Who is your least favorite player in the NFL and why?

Up until last year I hated, hated Jerome Bettis. The way he would shake his head and basically jogged in place after making a 3 yard run would make me sick, but at least he was a good bowler.

Mike from Minneapolis

Besides Favre? Warren Sapp. He'll go the Hall of Fame one day and Jon Randle won't. All because he's nice to the media. Fuck him. Fucking fuckface fuckstick donkeyfuck. Fuck.

And Jeremy Shockey. Who the fuck likes Jeremy Shockey? He's the K-Fed of football. I hope he gets run over by a bike messenger.

Hypothetical: you get into a bar fight that spills into an alley. its you vs. about 5 big dudes, but you can pick one active NFL player to have your back. who are your top 5 choices? I guess, in essence, who are the 5 meastliest dudes out there in your opinion.

Mine:
1. Joey Porter- you know if guns come out he could take a bullet.
2. Gigantosaur- 'roid rage knows no pain.
3. Olin Kreutz- Broke Fred (6'7", 315 lb.) Miller's jaw at a FBI shooting range. That's a quality W if there ever was one.
4. Albert "no mercy" Haynesworth
5. Jamal Lewis- When everythings said and done, you can't discount experience.

yeah, I know I went obvious, but thats why you write blogs, and I sit in a cubicle and read them. Also, I think Ray Lewis lost a step, the snub was intentional.

-Sean F. (Astoria)

I go with Jeff Garcia, because he'd be attacked first. Which gives me time to run.

Dear Big Daddy Drew,

Please compare and contrast Wayne Fontes and The Heat Miser.

Yours In Fucking Off At Work,

J.T.

Wasn't Wayne Fontes generally regarded as a very nice man? Al Davis is a much better candidate to play the Villainous Jew Heat Miser, or the Other Villainous Jew Grinch.

Hey Drew,
What's the opposite of Measty?
-Steve Palefsky

Rumphy. But really, since Meast is defined here as half-meat, half-moist, you'd have to pick something dry and non-meaty. Nicole Ritchie's vagina, for instance. Guhhhhhh...

Hey BDD,

Just finished watching the 1130pm news here in the Whale's Vagina. The overly giddy sports dork casually mentioned that the Chargers press release for tomorrow's game is 35 pages, but the Broncos packet is 172 pages. For a game 14 weeks into the season, what in God's name would the Broncos need 172 pages to cover effectively? An in-depth breakdown of the strengths and weaknesses of each Charger Girl? What do you think this report contains? I need some edumacated insight here.
-The Angry Rant

Page 1 - Pass plays for Jay Cutler
Pages 2-171 - Chop blocking techniques
Page 172 - Instructions for handing Coach Shanahan. Instruction #1: Please turn Coach over in tanning bed once every hour or until crisp. Instruction #2: Please do not mention child-scaring overbite.

Please don't ever stop posting, my days in the office would become too much to handle.

Seriously, I've guessed the authors of the last 10 articles on KSK just by reading the article title on my RSS feeder, at what point does this streak become scary?

-Brandon

By the title alone is pretty impressive. Actually, it's not that hard to do it by content. You can usually guess the KSK author by the following criteria:

Drew: Mentions masturbation
CC: Mentions fighting in Iraq. Then mentions it again.
UM: Mentions Jewyness
Punter: Links to donkey porn
Flubby: Mentions hatred of you and the team you root for
Ape: Mentions... Christ, do we have to mention that fucking team again?
Falco: Mentions nothing.

There's your mailbag. If you thought the KSK mailbag was stupid, say so in the comments and we'll get rid of it. If you like it, send new questions to drsteuss1@yahoo.com or kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. Be sure to include a link if you want us to link to your non-award-winning blog.

Dear God, Hootie. What Have I Done?

You've probably heard by now that the fine broads over at Ladies... threw down the gauntlet last week and challenged us to a collaborative college basketball pool. As it's been said before, we're (cough) a football blog, and most of you realize that the ability to pee standing up has no value in this venture.

I don't think I've watched 40 minutes of college basketball this entire year. But I "know" some of the women over there from Deadspin (Andie, being a law student at Notre Dame, and Wanda, being a single mom, have both impressed me as fans and as people), so I was eager to get something together. Probably too eager.

The rules were negotiated. Our six brackets will go head-to-head against their six best. Whichever set of brackets tallies the most points will be declared the winner.

At stake is:

(1) a day's worth of posts from the winners on the losers' blog
(2) the KSK winner going admiral on TheStarterWife around the ice during the first intermission of a Capitals game at the Verizon center

One of those is true.

Some people wonder what KSK has to gain from this proposition. Oh, sure, our site gets more traffic than theirs does, but there's more to it than that. This is an opportunity to take the moral values of KSK to the streets, to spread the gospel of the Sex Cannon, bukkake, and mock pedophilia.

Despite getting hits in the five-figures every day, our message still isn't being received by those who need to hear it most. Still, some of us aare concerned that I've put our precious little blog in peril, that we've given up too much for a chance to gain too little. This might be the first time our hopes lie in the hands of Unsilent Majority, and that is fucking scary.

It's my fault. I got us into this. And I apologize.

I apologize to all of our readers, because if we lose, we really have no idea what kind of filth will make it up here. Rumors of posts celebrating Title IX, baby pictures, and ranking men based solely on their appearances are already floating through the series of tubes. Just disgusting. These women really have no shame.

Also, I apologize to the fine readers that the Ladies' blog already has. If any of you are reading this now, I want you to know how sorry I really am, because if we win this motherfucker, all of you will be scarred for life. You will only wish your worst fears were confirmed, because the pervert training wheels will be popped off faster than you can say Fatty Arbuckle. I look forward to the chance of having eight women hating us, suddenly and simultaneously.

The upside is there, but it happens to be mighty close to the downside in value. That's why it's a bet. But we intend to prevail, and when we do, you can be certain that we'll piss all over that blog, standing up.