Thursday, November 30, 2006

Your Cable Company Has Decided To Cuff Your Ball-Gagged @$$ To A Chair And Bring In The Gimp

I hate to beat a dead horse, but this is fucking bullshit.

There was a healthy amount of bitching last week when the NFL broadcast its marquee Thanksgiving matchup on its own Network, instead of free network TV, and shut out millions of potential viewers in the process. Shut the fuck up, I thought. You're already getting two free games. All you're missing is Jake Plummer and Trent Green, the AFC's answers to Brett Favre and Drew Bledsoe, respectively (And did you see that shit in SI where the Chiefs were voted to have some of the best unis in sports? What the fuck? I've seen slabs of concrete that were better designed).

Besides, I thought, I already have the NFL Network on my cable package. I won't have that problem. Won't happend to me. And, even better, I can watch my Bengals play the Ravens next week. I'll actually get a Bengals game down here in East Buttfuck, SC. And all will be right with the world.

But earlier tonight, about 3 minutes before kickoff, I flipped on said Network, and this is what I found:

Actually, I wish I would have seen this, so I wouldn't have had to wait for a scrolling ticker to tell me that I was NOT GETTING THE FUCKING GAME EVEN THOUGH I WAS WATCHING THE VERY SHIT-ASSED NETWORK ON WHICH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BROADCAST.

No Chad Johnson touchdowns. No shitty dances from God's Linebacker. Just shitty NFL films reruns. Not my game. Not any game. Not tonight.

Sadly, the only Chad Johnson available in my area tonight was this frat fuck, and while I'm sure he celebrates every score with style and pinache, it's just not the same. Actually, I don't know anything about this guy; I just found this pic with an image search. I'm sure he's a cool dude, and you would only need one had to count all the underage girls he's date-raped.

This network situation, simply, will not stand. These cocksucks are not fucking with my allegiances. It's bad enough that I have to go through life feeling like shit that I don't drive a Hummer, eat every meal at Olive Garden, or use other luxurious items like Colgate Total. All I want to do is watch football, and the League and these fucking cable people are cockblocking me worse than my fucking mom. Playing with my football is like playing with my emotions.

The NFL Network insists it's not their fault, like some fuckfaced 6-year-old standing over a broken cookie jar. You just look for an hour and then sit on the porch like a goon. You get your ass out there and you air those fucking games!

And then there's the Subset B of aspiring child molesters: the fucking cable people. They say it's too expensive to add the NFLN to basic service. No, really. How can any organization with a natural monopoly on a service used by 5 of out every 6 GODDAMN PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY look at any single thing in the world and go, "Ya know, money's kinda tight right now." Bullshit. I call bullshit on you, sirs.

Well, fuck them too. Here's a quote from one of those sorry, broke assholes, who probably has a parade of Lithuanians parade to his fucking bedroom to tie his shoes in the morning:

If we put all expensive sports programming on the standard tier of service, that would increase our rates to all of our customers, even those who didn't particularly care about football or these games,

Those who didn't particularly care about football or these games? Did I just fucking read that? What about that other group, Those That Don't Give A Flying Fuck About Animal Planet/ABC Family/A&E/Lifetime/We/Style Network/E!/BET (sorry, thebigo)/History Channel/TV Land/FoodNetwork/HGTV or their rigamarole? I would think this group dwarfs the librarians, dog owners, and interior decorators that don't particularly care about football. (Actually, bigo, I'm not sorry. Go turn a barstool upside-down and sit on it).

I got cable to watch football. That was it. I don't beat it to Mariska Hargitay and I don't need to watch Star Trek marathons. I want Boise State-Fresno State. I want Florida-Arkansas. And I want Bengals-Ravens. So that's it. I'm cancelling cable tomorrow. Both of these fucks can keep counting their money for all I care. At least none of it will be mine.


Unsilent Majority said...

Wow, that must have been like fucking first time in a decade.

well played good sir.

Grimey said...

We were blacked out here as well. And I have had enough NFL Films-watching from ESPN afterschool in the early 90's.

It will never get better than talking to Merton Hanks about the coin flip. "There's no such thing as Tails. Who calls Tails?"

Aaron said...

Screwing me on football is like stealing a pacifier from a baby. A baby that is eligible for a concealed weapon permit. How shortsidedly greedy can you be to not realize that expanding your fanbase should be your number one priority. This is a crucial time in the NFL's history wherein the league's supremacy is becoming a unique cultural force. The DirectTV eclusivity deal brought them a premium that is a tiny fraction of what they'd make if they focused on getting us hooked on their product. Likewise, the NFL Network is a chance to tie me to the league constantly. If they do all they can to expose me to their product, which is so much better than everything else in American sports, they can rape me on subscriber fees down the line. But the anachronistic, dessicated ghouls who run the league would rather think with their cash-hungry egos. As for Time Warner, they need to realize that NFL network is the only content I care about and I will gladly pay the subscriber fees of every HGTV watcher if it means I have the joy of Steve Mariucci's insight to keep me from cutting myself. I love the feeling of massive institutions fighting over who gets to screw me worse. I live in New York. The NFL offices are mere blocks away. Someone will pay.

peytonloveskenny said...

"We don't want to raise prices because people might not want it" is the worst excuse I have ever heard.

Mike said...

MMP: A-fucking-men. We need to boycott a future NFL Network game. Walk out after the game starts, like the anti-Peter Angelos folks did at an Orioles game this past season. Beer is cheaper in the parking lot anyway. WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?!?!

Signal to Noise said...

Fuck yeah. I already pay Charter extra for the fucking sports tier; the least they could do is fucking carry the NFL Network.

Both of 'em need to stop with the pissing match and get this shit on nationwide. There is absolutely no excuse for this; there is so much money to be made both ways for each side. This is just weak posturing that screws both sides out of tons of cash and us out of prime TV material every week.

But I guess this is par for the course -- nothing against DirecTV, but it was the dumbest possible idea to limit the Sunday Ticket to one segment of the population as well. Why the NFL is so damn blind to actual consumer demand is amazing.

8hrdrive said...

Jealous much?

8hrdrive said...

One thing I do know, the NFL is charging the smaller, regional cable companies $500,000 to air the games. This is the minimum fee. Not sure if the NFL needs another half a mill laying around. I find that to be a wee bit greedy.

TWC would be getting charged much, much more. But I think they could swing it.

BTW MMP, you couldn't pick up Trent Green's dick. Any our uni's are a like a vision of the seraphim. Thank you.

Captain Caveman said...

our uni's are a like a vision of the seraphim.

If uniforms were fruit, the Chiefs unis would be bananas. A nice part of the landscape -- maybe even a staple -- but not very flavorful. And full of potassium.

Becky said...

The only thing that could suck worse than this is realizing you have to send some premium wodka to someone who contentedly watched the game last night.


But, hey, look! A Punter post! And no donkeys to be seen, nice work.

becky said...

Dear Dave,

FUCK Dish Network.



Rusty said...

Re the other Chad Johnson,

Careful. Non-celebrities are protected from accusations that they date-raped people. He could have a genuine libel case against you.

And it's the NFL's fault, not Time Warner's.

PUNTE said...

MMP, you couldn't pick up Trent Green's dick. Any our uni's are a like a vision of the seraphim.

The Dayton Triangles had better unis than you assholes. And you can invite Trent Green to slide feet-first into your own asshole, for all that I care.

If I read the column right, he gets NFL Network but still couldn't see the game? WTF?

That is correct.

Careful. Non-celebrities are protected from accusations that they date-raped people. He could have a genuine libel case against you.

Don't you have to date-rape someone to GET IN to a fraternity? That's like a bylaw or something, right? Right?

Unknown said...

okay, fine, I'll be the one to say it...

"I declare Shenanigans on Time Warner and the NFL-N!!"

Vee said...

I just read on Deadspin that Collinsworth was in the booth last night. That's CHRIS Collinsworth. Calling a Bengals game? Kinda makes me glad I could not watch.

To paraphrase a man named OG:

Collinsworth and Theesman need to be epoxied together in a 69 position, and thrown off a cliff into the sea.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely blame NFL Network. The NFLN is trying to stonewall TWC. TWC would gladly pick it up as a premium channel, but that's not good enough for NFLN, they want it as standard. And regardless of TWC's profitability, its bullshit.
So what does the infantile NFLN do, they say "fuck you, we're going to broadcast primetime games on our channel. Fans will go apeshit when they don't get it, and you'll receive billions of complaints."

Anyway, I don't really care. I have directv so I don't have to worry about coverage. HOWEVER, that bushleague-standard-no-HD broadcast looked like 8-bit nintendo 10yd Drive on my plasma. That, my friends, is criminal

Otto Man said...

Does anybody know if local stations are picking up these games and showing them to home markets?

A high-pitched squeal during the broadcast -- possibly the voice of a eunuched Bryant Gumbel -- made some comment about "if you're watching in a local market, and want to see our other games ... " So I'm assuming they are airing them locally.

Highonlowe--If you have Direct TV, the game was simulcast in HD on another channel-- mine was like channel 95 or something.

Really? Outstanding. Trying to watch these games on the non-HD feed like regular people -- who we HD folk call "normies" -- was painful.

PUNTE said...

I'll bet you know the exact number of black people who've been at your house over the last year.

Who are you? The fucking Census Bureau?

Anonymous said...

If you have Direct TV, the game was simulcast in HD on another channel-- mine was like channel 95 or something.


PUNTE said...

C'mon, O. You're like a regular over here. Why u sweatin me, dawg? All I was trying to do was point out that you're a whiny little girl. I don't what you're so upset about.

You even stole your profile picture from us! We "borrowed" it first...wait a minute, BET is a blackchannel? No wonder they don't make eye contact with me.

Vee said...

Sure dude, good come back.

No shit, he didn't even say anything about your mom. What a hack!

PUNTE said...

Stop. Please. Come. Back.

Vee said...

What are you like Capt. Save a ho.

Nah, more like Lt. Spot-a-Douche.

but got sick of the the black athlete bashing.

Hey lab partner, did it ever dawn on you that this may have to do more with 90% of the NFL being made up of black athletes and less to do with KSK "Anti-Black agenda"? Why, I bet if this were an NHL blog, there would be a suprising amount of white athlete bashing. See how that works?

Taint common sense a bitch...

Unsilent Majority said...

way too easy. by the way, i've had like a hundred brothers at my apartment in the past year.

the fact that i live out of my operational crackhouse is irrelevant.

Vee said...

Big Jim, you're real tough online dude. Scary.

Well, if I'M online, and YOU'RE online...wouldn't that make us BOTH pretty fake online tough dudes?

Big Mike Rich said...

Don't listen to him, he's a nigger, he's a nigger, 50 years ago...........

PUNTE said...

Shit, O. You're probably just Vietnamese. My bad.

PUNTE said...

FUCK! I forogt Telemundo!

(is that letter in word verification a V or a U?)

Otto Man said...

How could you forget Telemundo, Señor Ding-Dong?

Unknown said...

Is the battle between bigO and MMP going to be shown on cable or PPV?