Monday, November 13, 2006

Coach of the Year Candidate: Scott Linehan

I wrote a quick recap of the Rams-Seahawks game over at the FanHouse, and I joked in the headline that Scott Linehan was outcoached by a piece of driftwood.

Linehan, in case you missed it, conducted a successful replay challenge on a pass initially ruled incomplete, which erased the Rams' 4th-and-6... and gave them a long 4th-and-one. (Not necessarily a great challenge, but he got it, so good for him, right?) So, leading 16-14 in the fourth quarter, Linehan shuns the 30-yard field goal (Jeff Wilkins: 11-for-11 on kicks inside 40 yards this year) and went for the first down.

Incomplete pass. Final score: Seahawks 24, Rams 22.

Anyway, driftwood: just one of the many things that could have outcoached Linehan yesterday. I huddled with the rest of the KSK gang, and we compiled a list of entities and inanimate objects that could outcoach Linehan.

* George Allen Jr.
* a Tofutti Cutie
* corpse of Ed Bradley
* corpse of Art Shell
* automatic garage door opener
* a merkin
* that homeless guy you avoided eye contact with an hour ago
* salad fork
* The opposing coach from Hoosiers
* Tom Landry's hat
* Courtney Love
* Ignatius J. Reilly
* Jell-O sculpture of Denny Green (lime Jell-O)
* Terry Schiavo
* Chasey Lane's worn out vibrator
* Gilbert Gottfried
* The retarded Baldwin Brother
* Chris Simms's spleen
* you, if only you believe
* lamp
* the remnants of Georgia Frontiere's soul
* cracked refrigerator magnet
* supermike2
* Eric Dickerson
* week-old seafood salad
* Mike Martz

The good news for Linehan is that we did manage to rule out dirt. He could definitely outcoach dirt. But not that store-bought dirt. That stuff's packed with nutrients.


Big Daddy Drew said...

You'll notice Mike Tice isn't on that list.

Otto Man said...

Well, Tice is out ever since he used that sharpened pencil to stab his stupid, uppity brain.

Rob I said...

You're calling the NFC West for the Seahawks before they've had a chance to underperform against the upstart Niners? I can live with that.

swing4 said...

Once I finish repenting for laughing, I'd like to marry the evil mind that came up with Terry Schiavo (and supermike2). Unless it was UM. He would have to convert first... to Eagles fandom.

Raskolnikov said...

Add Maximillian Cohen in Pi after his lobotomy. I'm sure UM would approve.

doug_plank said...

How about Tom Coughlin trying a 52 yard field goal into the wind instead of pinning the Bears inside the 20?

It was nice to see Shockey show up last nite too.


Unsilent Majority said...

swing, one for two.

and i will never convert to the eagles, i'd sooner let borat use his rubber fist on me.

Christmas Ape said...

Outcoaching Linehan is so easy, even a caveman could do it.

flubby said...



Deney Terrio & Motion

The Lake Champlain Monster

Collection of my father's amateur porn ("All those money shots!")

Andy Richter

Christmas Ape said...

Can Blackula outcoach Black Dracula?

Thebigo needs to clear this one up.

kyle said...

You forgot the inanimate carbon rod, and Al Davis, unless you consider them to be the same person.

Anonymous said...

To paraphrase a line from Blackadder, "There are bits of lemon peel floating down the Thames that would make better coaches than Scott Linehan!"

Oh, and UM: Take it from an Eagles fan; being fisted by Borat isn't much different.

Mike said...

I can't wait to see Scott Linehan's performance evaluation at the end of the season:

"He is out of his depth in a puddle."
"He is depriving some village somewhere of an idiot."
"He routinely sets low goals for himself and then fails to achieve them."
"He has hit rock-bottom and started to dig."

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Is there any way to get Linehan and Isiah Thomas mano a mano in a game of Stratego?

Claude Balls said...

Frances Farmer (post lobotomy)
Randle Patrick McMurphy (post lobotomy and post smothering)
Corky Thacher on a bad day

Trader Rick said...

What ever happened to Terry Schiavo? Did the courts side with her BFF?

rock n rye said...

Marty Morningweg (only if he wins the toss and gets the wind)

Bill Walsh's used diaper

Jimmy Johnson's wig

Ditka (Post-Irvin Syndrome, makes it a nailbiter)

Joselio Hanson's weiner

A drunken Pat Summerall

Frank Grimes Jr.

Mike Terrill said...

my copy of Madden 07

the corpse of John Madden

The Big Picture said...

evergreen terrace


adam archuleta's girlfriend (playmate Jennifer Walcott)

bill plasch, err..., JA Adande

jerramy stevens' gotee

gone said...

Bozworth could have outcoached him with a defense full of Bozworth clones, Jay Feely as his kicker, Icognito as his center, Kordell as his QB, Buddy Ryan as his Asst Coach, Collingsworth as his reciever, and Peter King as his back.

gone said...

PS: And Joe Buck as his Off. Coordinator

Signal to Noise said...

Lee Corso's merkin.