Friday, November 3, 2006

You can do it too young blood / I did you can do it too

Welcome to the 9th edition of our weekly feature, Always Be Covering. The following is a small sampling of the games I'll be investing in sometime after serenading Bassy with Fabolous lyrics and sometime before chanting "Dallas Sucks" for hours on end.

While I may appear startlingly brilliant (or possibly not) you must remember that this is a humor site. If you take me too seriously you should be damned to an eternity of Raiders football (I think that was Dante's fourth circle).

Pharrell Williams knows more than a little bit about money and style.
He also knows that Green Bay's gonna cover, you can do it too...

Green Bay +3.5 at Buffalo
The Bills lost to those punk ass white boys (TJ's words, not mine...I swear) in Detroit, they don't deserve any respect from a gambler. They've lost and failed to cover in their last three. Even if the SG deems Favre to be beyond "don't bet against" status I'll take 3.5 against an awful team more often than not. How much longer can Dick Jauron's one good season last him, those thirteen wins were like a key to the bank vault.

Baltimore -3 vs. Cincinnati
The Bengals swept the Ravens last year. Ray Lewis didn't play in either game. Ray Lewis doesn't like losing to the fucking Bengals, he likes to stab them. I just hope somebody remembers to warn Bart Scott about that hot sauce, if he gets it within sniffing distance of Chris Henry he's going to wind up covered in MD20/20 scented vomit.

Atlanta -5.5 at Detroit
Roy Williams probably wishes that bye weeks never ended. It's sad to see such a good (albeit obnoxious) talent stuck in gravitational orbit of Matt Millen's fat ass. I'm positive that Odessa Permian and UT were run more like professional franchises than the Lions are. Oh yeah, and Mr. Mexico is playing like god damn MVP lately. I hope Shaun Rodgers doesn't eat him. I've just been reminded that Shaun Rogers won't be playing for awhile because he dipped into Jessie Spano's stash of diet pills.

"What the fuck?" line of the week: Pittsburgh -2.5 (-115) vs. Denver NO ACTION!
I was all set to cash in my 401k on Denver...then I had a second thought. This line seems waaay too good to be true and it's scaring the shit out me. The Steelers just lost Oakland's Fucktard Incorporated and Denver was able to push the Colts. I smell a fix.

Shy-lock of the Week (4-1, on track like crack)
(2 teams, 6 point tease)Another gentile in disguise

Indianapolis +9 *@ New England In the regular season you just have to go with the ultimate paper champions. Everybody wants to build this up as Brady vs. Manning, when in reality it's all about Belichick vs. Manning and Brady vs. Vinatieri. Give me Indy and the points against anybody in the league during the regular season and I'll take it, especially because we all know this game will end with a kicker on the field.
Chicago -7.5 *vs. Miami
I've gotten in the habit of teasing Chicago's double digit lines even though it doesn't seem all that necessary. Regardless it's a safe pick because they're just going to end up beating the hell out of all these crappy teams they're playing in the middle of the season. Joey Harrington is probably shitting his pants as we speak.

*Both lines have been teased 6 points

Who do you like this week? We welcome you to share all of your ill-fated picks in the comment section.


Trader Rick said...

UM, well excuse me, UM. Shaun Rogers won't be playing due to his suspension for taking a banned substance. Your pick looks safe unless that banned substance was human flesh and he ends up in an elevator with Senor Mexico.

Unsilent Majority said...

ah crap, i completely forgot about his diet pills.

well at least we know they weren't doing much

JoSCh said...

I thought all vomit was Mad dog scented... maybe that's just me.

doug_plank said...

As the local Bear fan/idiot, le me warn you on betting on the Bears this week.

It looks like a trap game, Miami actually has some defense. And they are talking about the "New" trip next week.
Not saying they won't win, but don't be suprised if Bobby Gould wins this game.

Bear down.

Unsilent Majority said...

very nice eric, the four team teasers are only "sweetheart" teasers if you take the extra points (10).

Anonymous said...

I'M SO EXCITED...I'M SO EXCITED... Hey, where the fuck are my pills?

Unknown said...

Pittsburg couldn't beat Denver if it had Peyton Manning QBing and Chicago's defense defending.
No chance in hell Chicago looses in Miami. Not even if they are chasing chicas around til the wee hours of the morning before the game.
Other than that....
I like those picks.

Christmas Ape said...

The city of Pittsburg, California, is sadly still without an NFL franchise okierover. As for Pittsburgh's chance against Denver, unfortunately, you may be right. But we shall see...

doug_plank said...

"No chance in hell Chicago looses in Miami"

Making Super Bowl predictions already?

I hope you're right!

Worldwide Reader said...

Easiest tease of the weekend: CHI -7.5 and SD -6.5.

Unknown said...

Wow did I miss that call on the Miami game.
I guess if you get called a worthless pussy for 6 weeks in a row you'll finally get the gander up to produce an ass whoopin'.

Unsilent Majority said...

that was fucking brutal...i'm in a bad way