Monday, November 20, 2006

Sifting Through The Week 11 Massacre

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Maritime Sailors' Cathedral
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald.

11/20. A day that will live in fantasy football infamy. Holy shitballs, what a fucking bloodbath. No one was spared. I think I injured myself just watching it. This follows a week where Clinton Portis, Byron Leftwich and likely Willis McGahee were all lost for the year. Let's take you through yesterday's carnival or horrors, starting with the most brutal one of all:

Donovan McNabb
Status: Torn ACL, Out For Year

This will be the third regular season that McNabb has failed to finish in his career. Making matters worse is the fact that the Eagles have a penchant for picking up backup QBs based upon their knowledge of the West Coast offense, and not based upon whether or not they blow. Hence, the 2006 Eagles are the new 2005 Eagles. Yay! Now you Eagle fans get to spend the rest of the season with the fabulous Jeff Garcia at the helm. Garcia has already suggested new fonts and paper stock sizes for the Eagles' playbook. He's also thinking a sort of creamy butter interior for the team's indoor practice facility. That will soften the harshness of the Eagles' future offensive performances.

Oh, and a note to one Andy Reid: Do you think that perhaps throwing the ball 9,000 times a game puts your QB at greater risk than is necessary? Here's an ingenious idea for you, you stupid mustachioed fat tub of shit: RUN THE BALL.

Oh, and all of the Eagles' skill position players have now been rendered useless. Thanks for playing.

Marques Colston
Status: Ankle Sprain, Time Out Unknown

Colston was having the best rookie season for a wideout since Randy Moss back in 1998 when he turned his ankle and was forced out of the Bengals-Saints contest yesterday. Consider this karmic payback to all you folks who picked up Colston and started him at TE because Yahoo! was too gutless to take the TE designation off of him. What's the matter, Yahoo!? Can't take a few death threats? Pussies.

One other quick note: There's a link on the side of this page to the Fantasy Football Cafe. The forums at the Cafe are the best on the internet for getting instant injury info or spotting players who suddenly get lots of playing time. The people in these forums are completely out of their fucking minds. These are people who would happily fight you to death when discussing the fantasy potential of people like Quentin Griffin and Darius Watts. They take this shit very seriously. Here's what one of them said when Colston went down:

Thanks for 0 points today,cole-slaw!

Yeah, Colston! You were a waiver wire pickup in the midst of a legendary season, helped fantasy owners win tons of games, and then you had to go sprain your ankle. Thanks a lot, dick!

Lamont Jordan
Status: Torn MCL, Out For Year

Consider this a mercy killing.

Kevin Jones
Status: Ankle Injury, Time Out Unknown

Jones was quietly having a great season. Unlike last year, when he loudly had a shitty one. He got plenty of carries, caught balls out of the backfield, and got goal line duty. But with the short week, he's almost certainly out for the Miami game and perhaps beyond. Why so cruel, God?

Brett Favre
Status: Elbow Nerve Injury, Status For Monday Unknown

I think we all know how this will play out. Favre will play. Theismann will ejaculate praise juice all over him. And the Packers will lose. That Favre is so daggum tough! He's a fighter! He's the Chevy Silverado of QB's! He doesn't know when to quit! Seriously, he doesn't.

Deshaun Foster
Status: Hyperextended Arm, Probable For Next Week

Foster stayed healthy enough this year to make you think hey, maybe he won't get injured this time! And then, of course, he got injured. Foster's injury isn't considered serious, but backup DeAngelo Williams played a sterling game in his absence. Which means Foster could lose his job anyway. Fred Taylor says you're a pussy, Deshaun.

And let's not forget Shaun Alexander, who caused more pain to fantasy owners by playing than by not playing. With LaDainian Tomlinson shattering records and Larry Johnson scoring consistently, you'll excuse Alexander owners if they crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside.

Not a fun week. From our family to yours, the deepest condolences.

SHIT, I forgot about Reuben Droughns, who was a late scratch with a toe injury. Christ, even when it's bad news, the Brownsa get ignored.


Captain Caveman said...

Tremendous song. And probably the first and last Gordon Lightfoot reference KSK will ever see.

Word verification: "asram" -- seems apropos.

doug_plank said...

Glad I traded for Chad Johnson three weeks ago.

You magnificant bastard!!!

Signal to Noise said...

Watching McNabb get carted off with my playoff hopes was painful, especially now that I realize my back-up is Leinart and the trade deadline is long past.

I'm dicked.

(And another fuck you to Jake Plummer, who had to blow the game, but not blow it badly enough so that I would win my fantasy matchup. Asshole)

KaLiBLeeK said...

I had never visited Fantasy Football Cafe before...but the first thread I viewed was some d-bag complaining about Frank Gore's fumble in the 4th quarter: 200 somtin yds is great and all Gore, but YOU FUMBLED near red zone.

And I thought I was a dick when it came to Fantasy Football. I might have to visit that shit more often just to feel better about myself.

Grimey said...

I pulled off my greatest fantasy football GM/coach move about an hour before Sunday's early games when I pulled Donovan McNabb for Drew Brees. If only I would've had the same omniprescence to start Travis Henry over Maurice Morris. What the fungus.

Anonymous said...

Jesus H. Christ, phillygirl. I just confirmed it on Waters was a mainstay on one of the best defensive units ever assembled. This day has just gotten considerably worse, and I didn't think that was possible.

Anonymous said...
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flubby said...

I'm guessing Dan Dierdorf won't be giving the eulogy.

Filthy Fowl said...

And no discussion on Broadway Joe and Slick, his imaginary drinking buddy?

Michelle said...

Ugh, seriously. What the hell happened yesterday?! I'm in mourning over the whole Colston thing, but they'll pump him full of juice and he'll play again soon. Christ, it's just a sprain! I'm more upset we can't stretch Fred Thomas out on the racks so he can reach more than three feet in the frickin' air for once!

AH! Missed the Joe interview last night. Thanks for reminding me . . . gotta find that.

A. J. Simon said...

"Is the home team still on fire, do they still when all their games
and by the way,
did she mention my name?"

The answer to some hapless Indianapolis ex-patriot who left his girl behind is no . . . and probably no.

8hrdrive said...

in a semi-related story....

prior to the K-State vs. KU game, a bus from Manhattan,KS (the CatTracker) was turning off the turnpike into Lawrence. The bus had an open upper deck with a railing. Two passengers were on top of the bus facing the rear end, when suddenly the bus passed under an overpass, decapitating one man and leading to a pending death for another.

Their bad day started on Saturday.