Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The NFL and the Cable Companies Are Thankful For Your Money

If you’ve got cable and you want to Run to the Playoffs with the NFL Network you might have to run to the nearest sports bar. The lucky ones are those of us who have Comcast, and we already know what it’s like to be anally violated by a demonic corporate beast (What the fuck is a service charge? The only service they provide is the not-quite-optional reacharound from the ex-con fixing your cable)…fuckers.

As you probably know by now, this Thursday marks the debut of the NFL Network’s live televised NFL action…what a concept. The downside here is that this Thursday is also Thanksgiving, and there’s no way in hell I could ever go to a sports bar on Thanksgiving…usually I’m drunk and drugged by the 8 pm. So the millions of subscribers to other company's services are pretty much shit out of luck. But here’s the best part…nobody cares.

Another beautiful example of a professional sports league bending their loyal fan base over a barrel in the pursuit of extra revenue. I’m starting to think Roger Goodell might be a member of the tribe after all (“They have return! And they shape shift!”). The most troubling part of all is of course the reaction of us, the fans. If Seth Sutel's article from Business Week is any indication, we are long overdue for a shit storm (literal not figurative you pussies) outside the offices of the offending cable companies and the NFL Network (which are in Los Angeles...their assholes but their sense of irony is spot on).

The cable companies are in a tough spot on this dispute. If hard-core fans can't see the games they want, the complaints could start pouring in -- something Time Warner says hasn't happened yet. On the other hand, no one's going to like it if the cable companies pass along the costs by raising rates.
Seriously, people aren't even complaining enough to draw attention. Consider this a call to arms to all my brothers (and sexy sexy sisters) on these here ebays of the internets. You can write, you can call, or you can just be a man (or a sexy sexy woman) and start flinging all your spare fecal matter at the offending parties. This cannot fail.

As for the game itself, I have Comcast...so I'm all set (suck it Manhattan!), although it's still likely to be a painful experience. I have relatively high hopes for Bryant Gumble, he's a professional, he gets away with calling out the NFL on their bullshit, and I've really missed him since Gumbel 2 Gumbel was canceled (probably by Rupurt Murdoch who owns DirecTV...it's everywhere).

Chris Collinsworth or a drag queen in prep?
What if I told you you're both right!

Sadly he'll be reduced to another bland voice being steupped on by the interminable Chris Collinsworth. I would never wish death on anybody under any circumstances...but if you pressed me, CC would make the top 25 (even being a former Gator cannot save him from my godly vengence). Yes Chris we get it, you are a rare analyst insomuch as you have actual knowledge of the game and we all know how great you are on HBO (Bill Simmons and the Emmy voters just won't shut up about it). All of this doesn't change the fact that you are a pompous douche who's bias shines through like misplaced spotlight off of your forehead.

The only guarantee is that the Smarmy Factor will reach new heights in that booth. I wonder how many times they'll mention how full they are after a big pre-game dinner...as a viewer I can totally relate to that kind of shit. Thank God Dick Vermeil will be handling the Saturday night duties for the last two games of the year. I'll take man-crying over man-impersonating any day of the week and twice on Thanksgiving.


Anonymous said...

The League is basically leveraging this Thursday's live NFL Network game so that fans will bitch and complain to Time Warner, serving as strong incentive for TWC to pick up the NFLN.

Trader Rick said...

Compare Collinsworth to John Mark Karr.

doug_plank said...

"I'm ready for my close-up Mr. Demille."


Awful Chief-

Boulder police also have Collinsworth under suspicion of JonBenet's muder.

Smello said...

That picture looks like it was taken at Madame Tussauds (yes, I had to look up the spelling of that) and I find it both terrifying & oddly hypnotic.

Anonymous said...

"I colored the cockroach jewish because, well, I've never seen a jewish cockroach before."

"Well its an excellent jewish cockroach Billy. Congratulations, you just passed the 1st grade."

"Thanks quacktastic"

Unsilent Majority said...

check this out

word verification huktey

Unknown said...

Sweet jeebus in a thong..the dancing cockroach? This is a book for kids?

Sick bastards.

Thank god I haven't had breakfast yet, a dancing cockroach might bring it up.

Unsilent Majority said...

it's a joke dusty

becky said...

thanks to the ass clowns over in Steinbrennerland, I've been dealing with issues like this w/ the freaking YES NETWORK for years.
at this point I just accept that the TV gods (and the fantasy gods, but that's a whole nother thing) hate me.

Becky said...

I'm sorry, but I just can't play into the NFL's hands by protesting and forcing the poor, poor cable companies to shell out for the NFLN. (Or, I'm just a greedy, selfish woman who already shells out for DirecTV.)

Either way, I will do my best to try and bring the sexy while nibbling on a turkey leg tomorrow. As much sexy as drawstring waist pants can bring, I mean.

peytonloveskenny said...

I have Comcast at home and Adelphia at school and neither one has NFL Network. Comcast only has it on digital cable. But, we do get the Golf Channel (which makes sense because golf is much more popular than football).

Unsilent Majority said...

Obviously the cable companies are just as evil, they're just going to pass on the extra cost to the consumer.

drawstring pants are the hotness, easy access above all else.

swing4 said...

True story: I moved two months ago into a Time Warner Cable service area (LA). The installer set up my TV, cable box, and DVD player. Last night, around 11:00, I wanted to play a movie for the first time. I couldn't get the damn thing to work, so I called 24-hour tech support. The TWC rep told me that their entire computer system was down until 2:00 am for nightly updating, and instructed me to call back then. I'm fairly confident that TWC is single handedly responsible for the rise of PornTube.com. Good luck getting better programming out of these people and their Edsel powered mainframe.

doug_plank said...

Put a blond wig on Collinsworth(I'm sure he's no stranger to that) and he looks like Martin Short's character-

Jackie Rogers JR

"$100000 Jackpot Wad"

gone said...


Becky said...

Not to worry, we're both freaking fantastic.