Thursday, November 2, 2006

Janky Spanky + Flava Flav = Crazy Deelishis

Rumors are flying all over the tubular internets regarding a new lady in the life of my favorite football player. Although the rumors may be a bit under the radar, they have provided me with a joy I can't properly describe... but I'll try.

If you watch "Flavor of Love" on VH1 (and if you do you should probably just tie the fucking noose), you are undoubtedly familiar with this season's winner. Her name is Deelishis (her real name is London Charles; Flav has to give all the girls names he can remember) and it looks as if she and Flav have broken it off. To get an idea of their on camera relationship you need look no further than YouTube ...or right below the words you're reading right now.

At least I hope they've broken up, because he just found out he knocked up another woman. The good news in all of this is that the ridiculously proportioned female is now snuggling up against the hiked up pants of Janky Spanky

Obviously I'm referring to the Redskins' running back virtuoso Clinton Portis.

I salute you; that piece of ass looks like it came straight off the cover of KING. I know it's been a rough season so I'm glad to know you've spent your bye week on something so reproductive. Now all you have to do is invite the KSK crew over to Portis household to see that "fire pole" earn its keep.

As you can plainly see from the generous pictorial evidence, Deelishis makes for a fairly apt nickname... considering Flav's been fucking daffy since the late '80s. As happy as I might be for Clinton's apparent conquest I have to express a bit of concern; this shit's gotta end. You made your mark, now put her on the back burner until we're mathematically eliminated.

Oh and one more thing... get your ass over to the Anacostia Neighborhood Health Clinic, tell them you're Dolemite Jenkins and you need some penicillin. I don't even want to think about the fucked up shit crawling all over Flava Flav.

Just for the record this is just the latest in a growing trend of Redskin pimps. Adam Archuleta, despite his inability to cover Bill Parcells, is dating a former Playboy Playmate. Then there's Johnny White Guy himself who's dating an ex-cheerleader (if you can believe it, she was dismissed for fraternization with an H-Back).

Throw the record out the window, I fucking love this team.

Of course we've got our Bible Belt relationships as well. From what I can tell Mark Brunell and Joe Gibbs are in some sort of five way relationship with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit...freaky.

What a whacky group, I can only guess what might come next...Sean Taylor dating TO's childhood crush/sister? Brandon Lloyd dating Foxy Brown? Andre Carter dating Kenny Wright? The possibilities are endless; remember, we unleashed Fred Smoot on the NFL.

Flav Having Baby With White Woman, Deelishis Dating NFL Player

UPDATE: London's people are denying the claims. For some more details click on this.


Signal to Noise said...

Sheriff Gonna Getcha has been hit enough times over the course of his career by speed freak linebackers and roided-up linemen to neutralize the effects of any nasty diseases.

The abuse a running back takes purifies the toxins.

Regardless, he should pack the jim-hats -- could be a baby-mama in waiting.

swing4 said...

Nice job, UM.

Also, I am officially moving to Canada. This place is just getting too absurd.

PUNTE said...

Where da white women at?

Unsilent Majority said...

way to redeem yourself bigo.

for some reason most of the brown cheerleaders in the NFL just aren't that great looking. They need to pay the cheerleaders some money to stay competitive with the backup dancer industry.

we need some cheerleaders that look like ciara.

Jordan said...

the best part is that he punctuates his orgasms with "FLAAAVOR've done it again."

Unsilent Majority said...

The nonsense that was spouted last week.

Scrappled said...

A brown Eagles cheerleader once smoked a blunt in my living room. Sadly, she's no longer on the squad.

I readily admit to watching Flavor Of Love with my girlfriend (it's one of the few things we can actually agree on, television-wise). The reunion show was fantastic. All the black girls were doing their, um, black thing while all the white girls (except the supremely hateable BuckWyld) were obviously thinking, "Um, I know I'm contractually obligated to be here, but can I go home yet?"

Anyway, congratulations to Flav, since there are apparently seven women willing to fuck him. As for Deelisisiouawefas, or however it's spelled, she is beat, beat, BEAT. Between the Kordell Stewart-style burn marks, the moustache, and that ass with it's own zip code, Flav could've done better. I guess.

(Although I gracefully defer to thebigo when it comes to the merits of enormous brown asses.)

Unsilent Majority said...

I fucking love the internet

twoeightnine said...

if you catch enough diseases they cancel each other out right? right?

Bad Barbecue said...

I'm really impressed with the advances in the airbrush industry.