Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Marmalard Party. Table of Douche.

[Strip mall in Indianapolis]

Hostess: Hi. How many?

Fat white woman: Three.

Hostess: Would you like a table or booth?

Fat white woman: Booth, please.

Hostess: Right this way.

[door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!

Doesn't this fucking pennyante Brigadoon of a town have anything other than chain restaurants? Plus, you got all these chains and not one goddamn Bojangles? Steak 'N' Shake's not good enough! Fuck, I wish I was back in the South.

Hostess: Hi. How many?

Rivers: How many what, you stupid underemployed bitch? How many seconds you got to tell me where L.T. is sitting? Can you do that? Can you point me there? Arm too tired from creatively flipping signs around apartment buildings for extra cash to raise your litter right? Make sure they get the good doctor at the methadone clinic? WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?

Hostess: What's the party name?

Rivers: Tomlinson. Y'know. Black dude. There are only, like, six in this state. Find the one you haven't blown for rocks.

[laughs in her face]

Anyway. I'm 'supposed to meet him here. Why's he keep ducking me? I even bought a Vizio like he told me to.

Hostess: Well, I'm not seeing him on the list. I can seat you until he arrives. What section would you like?

Rivers: Pfft. I don't know. How about the one for quarterbacks who win when it counts!? BIGTIME PLAYOFF FOOTBALL, THAT'S MY SECTION, WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD. YEAH!

Rivers: Hey. All right. TVs at every table. So I don't have to pay attention to anybody.

Sweet! Highlights from Sunday!

Look how fucking intense I am! I'm livin' large and taking charge! You like that? How I totally Supermanned that defense in the second half?

Huh? Lady? Huh? FUCK YOU!

Waitress: [handing him menu] Get you something to drink, sir?

Rivers: 'Kind of beer you got?

Waitress: [by rote] BudBudLightMillerLightHeinekenCoronaSierraNevadaSamAdams

Rivers: Got any Hoegaarden?

Waitress: What?

Rivers: BELGIAN WHITE ALE YOU RUSTY FUCKING CUNT! Fuck, just bring me your highest quality Indiana 'shine, you backwater wench.

Waitress: I'll have that right out for ya

[Rivers focuses back on the TV]

Boy: Hehwoah, Mistaw Wivers. Could you pwease sign my napkin fo' me? It woo mean veawee much.

Rivers: What? Shit. Made me miss hearing about how much of a bitch Antonio Gates is. Hope my steak is half as tender as his leg.

Sign the napkin? How about the deed to your parents' shack? Okay. Whatever. [writing] F-U-C-K-O-F-F. There's the ol' sig. Add a little a frownie. A middle finger right there aaaaaand voila!

[Balls up the paper and throws in a high arch that suspends in the air for 40 seconds then falls two feet from the table.]

Boy: Waaaahhhhhh [walks off]

Fuck. This isn't worth it.

[Gets up. Grabs drink from arriving waitress. Gulps it down. Drops glass on floor and walks out without paying]

[Tomlinson, Chris Chambers and Antonio Gates come out from kitchen]

Chambers: [slipping waitress a C-note] Thank fuck. Can we get a refill on the poppers, when you get a chance?


Martha Van Bork said...

Fuck you kid. Life sucks.

Unsilent Majority said...

I like to imagine that Heath Shuler acted this way in his younger days.

Upstate Underdog said...

fucking wow. that shit was funny. Ape is on a roll.

Unknown said...

Just awesome, Ape. I would've never expected Rivers to be such a douche, but then I saw him flip a shit on the sidelines Sunday after Finnegan picked him off and it was like life imitating art.

hi there mary said...

Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!

can we have a daily rivers post? please?

Steve said...

When we got Rivers, Eli, and Ben all in the same draft, who knew what all-around gems we were getting. Oh yeah, and I can't forget J.P. "Kyle Boller" Losman.

And keep up the great work Ape.

smurphette said...

Steak'n'Shake is awesome. Fuck Marmalard. Eliminating him from the playoffs will be extremely satisfying.

Unknown said...

Fucking awesome.

Phony Gwynn said...

No way in hell he's throwing that napkin past the end of the table.

Leaking Geek said...

Awesome Ape!

I cannot wait until Bob Sanders comes untouched on a blitz off the weak side and knocks Rivers' smirk, head and helmet into the new stadium across the parking lot.

Is that too much to ask for?

Steve said...

Also I've got to say, none of the kids here weigh less than 3 times the recommended weight. The kid would be talking like that because he'd still be chewing on his double cheeseburger.

Jonny Epic said...

I was foolish enough to draft this sloppy wet douche in my Fantasy Draft, and he single-handedly ruined my season. I hope the Colts D knocks his block off. Great post.

rustytrombone said...

I don't know where this caricatured is coming from I mean it's not like Tom Brady is really gay or Payton is really a giant dork...oh wait.

Poor Rivers, he isn't really an asshole, he just plays one on T.V.

Anonymous said...

Ape, this is the exact way I figure this asshat to act. I love that you bring it to the masses. Smurphette may your beloved Colts maim this piece of shit. Also, if I am not asking too much let them severly injure Tomlinson also.

Unknown said...

Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit just like you.

Pemulis said...

every time i see that top picture of rivers i imagine him shouting about wanting a goddamn liter 'a cola, or threatening to light my country music award on fire

The Last Unitard said...

He's a disgrace to wet-noodle-armed QB's everywhere. Chad Pennington wants to kick his ass, but it takes too long for his punches to land.

smurphette said...

@leakinggeek/denvergodfather: WORD.

wrecking_ball said...

Ape's on a roll reminiscent of the '05 B&G. Keep it up, good sir.

lanceoceanside said...

I bet ol Philly Dawg was a fan of the American Pie movies...especially Stiffler. Phillip just doesnt get laid...he crushes ass.

My Insignificant Life said...

That picture of Rivers reminds me of Cadet Eugene Tackleberry from Police Academy. But Tackleberry seemed cool - in a destroy everything in his path, then ask questions kind of way.

the great bambi said...

@ lance

which is the difference between him and silky garrard, where phillip crushes ass, silky sticks to light fistings

Wolverine said...

Marmalard post WITH a mention of Bojangles, where the dirty rice makes me almost as happy as seeing this raging prickaholic catch a facefull of Bob Sanders. Thank you.

Unknown said...

Ah yes, ego does provide excellent fodder for bloggers, does it not?

Kudos Ape!

Unknown said...

Rivers is like Ryan Leaf 2.0.

These are fucking gold.

dick_gozinia said...

Marshawn Lynch approves of all chain restaurants.

Also, there are way more than six black people in Indiana...they just all live in Gary.

Rant_Casey said...

I love the kid on the washington post calling sign holding a 'performance art'. Makes me think of Flight of the Conchords.

Eddie: The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?

Jemaine: Sounds like something a lamppost could do.

gone said...

Rivers is really starting to creep me out. The more I look at the first photo, the more I get creeped out.

Fauser said...

Every time I log onto this thing there's more and more awesome.

[Balls up the paper and throws in a high arch that suspends in the air for 40 seconds then falls two feet from the table.]

Money, just money.

Ape, you're fantastic. Love every thing. Keep it up.

Ben said...

I actually had Rivers come into the Raleigh Starbucks I used to work at, about fifteen months ago. The store was right next to Carter Finley stadium, and one Saturday night in the fall, right after an NC State game finished up, he and this chick came into our store right as we were closing (after close, actually) and she wanted a venti chocolate frappachino. I didn't realize who he was until five minutes after he left, but you know what gave him away? That goofy-ass shit-eating grin he wears when he's not yelling.

Also, the chick was bangin' (at least until all those frappuchinos go to her ass). I guess being a Pro Bowl quarter back/4th pick in the draft does have its perks.

pain-ther fan said...

Living in NC, I had to put up with all the "Phillip Rivers is greatest player since the invention of the forward pass" bullshit for 4 years. I would like to see nothing, more than to see him crash and burn, Ryan Leaf style. And yes, he does look just like Farva from super troopers

penlies said...

I used to be indifferent to the guy; he is excitable but so what, it's not like he sits at an office for a living. Now that he is so universally hated I think he is my new favorite QB. I hope he wins the Super-bowel just to see all the anger it fosters. Long live Rivers, may he smack all of your mothers on the back and call them whores!

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

+1 Gozinia

"Poppers?!?! Awww man, I wish we made it to tha playoffs."

-Marshawn Lynch

Lyman said...

"Rivers: Tomlinson. Y'know. Black dude. There are only, like, six in this state. Find the one you haven't blown for rocks."

HA! Gold, man.

Unknown said...

But Phil Rivers is married. Marmalard wouldn't cheat on his wife.

Warning Track Power said...

I love that he uses the Ryan Leaf face. It's as though San Diego has a copyright on that and only loan it out to their QB's.

Rambling Psychoses said...

Holy friggin' COW! (Brahmin in India)

That was some hilarious crap, right there. I've read this blog once or twice before, but I think I'm hooked now.

BTW, thanks rant_casey for the Flight of The Conchords reference. Never heard of 'em before, but I'm diggin' it, my friend.


cdawg said...


Hahahah. This blog is funny as hell. Football, character development, and you guys fuckin' swear like shit. Awesome.

FLBrewCrew said...

"Also, there are way more than six black people in Indiana...they just all live in Gary."

Yup, that's funny! haha

But it IS the home of Michael Jackson... he's black... kinda.

Alex said...

instant classic!

two biggest douchebags in NFL history = Ryan Leaf and Phillip Rivers?? Could be.


200k black folk in Indianapolis, 150k in San Diego. Fuck SoCal.

Unknown said...

this is honestly the best bit ever

scottyd39 said...

"Look how fucking intense I am! I'm livin' large and taking charge! You like that? How I totally Supermanned that defense in the second half?"

I read that at work and had to hold back my laughter for about a solid thirty minutes. Asshole Phillip Rivers is the best thing since the Sex Cannon posts. I hope they keep winning so we can get more of them.

Jay said...

I like to think Rivers is overhyped because Norv Turner's been putting speed in his water bottle. Take from this what you will.

Zac said...

Love this character. "You betta ask someboddddaaayyyyy!" might be a better catchphrase than "YEE-HAW! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!"

I think Rivers might be on the steroids. That's my explanation for his 200% increase in douche.

TheStarterWife said...

Ha! The picture of that bar is "Happy Endings" a sports bar that I reviewed with my boyfriend and Signal2Noise on Ladies.

If Rivers is hanging out there, I'll never go back.

Signal to Noise said...

I'm going to be praying to Jesus tonight for the maiming of Marmalard by Bob Sanders on Sunday.