Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Introducing Washington's New Coach

KSK has learned that the Washington Redskins have found their next head coach. We now go live to Ashburn, Virginia where a representative of Dan Snyder is preparing to reveal the identity of the new coach to the assembled media.

Tom: [visibly shaking] Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and humbled to introduce you to the greatest being that I've ever had the pleasure of worshiping. The new Head Coach, Vice President of Football Operations, General Manager, and Spiritual Leader of the Washington Redskins, L. RON HUBBARD! [faints]

L-Ron: [swallows a bottle of pills with a swig of rum] That's right, it's me, L. Ron Hubbard, the greatest mind of this, the last, or any future century. After conquering the world through religion and mastering dozens of lesser pursuits I've decided to return to public life by conquering the NFC East. There are going to be a lot of changes around here. For starters, I've eliminated the threat of squirreling by sending Vinny Cerrato off for some RPF. Additionally, I have replaced Gregg Williams with my associate David Miscavige while I will personally take over the offense from Al Saunders. Both coaches have been sent to an undisclosed location for purifs. I assure you that as leader of the offensive pursuit I will keep Xenu contained within his electric mountain trap.

Tom: Mr. Hubbard will now honor the local media by listening to their questions.

Maske: What was all that about containing Xenu?

L-Ron: Did I say Xenu? I meant the Dallas pass rush.

Arch: What is the nature of your relationship with Mr. Cruise?

L-Ron: He's a favorite pet of mine. He's like the Jean Grey to my Christmas Ape, right down to the bite marks.

George: Mr. Hubbard, aren't you dead?

L-Ron: Aren't you?

George: Touché. [vanishes]

Steinz: Do you have a favorite gouda?

L-Ron: It's all gouda with me, my man.

Steinz: That's it, I love this guy.

Bram: I'm Bram Weinstein!

L-Ron: And we're all very happy for you.

La Canfora: I'd like to go on record as saying that this is a terrible hire by a pathetic franchise with an incompetent owner.

L-Ron: When's the last time you had your thetans checked?

La Canfora: What qualifies you for this job?

L-Ron: Hell, I've been circling Africa in my boat for nearly twenty-two years surviving on nothing but rum, uppers, downers, moldy wild mushrooms, and the occasional injection in my ass, so I've had a lot of time to prepare for this new turn in my life.

La Canfora: That's all well and good, but how does that make you any more competent than Joe Gibbs?

L-Ron: I can assure you of my success because I have already discovered it within myself. If that doesn't satisfy your readers than I'm not sure what kind of simpletons are reading Redskins Insider.

La Canfora: You have no idea.

Thom: Thom Loverro, Washington Ti ... [inaudible squeaking] ... [dogs howling in the distance]

Howard: Why does everybody at ESPN think I'm gay?

Andy: Why aren't I more popular?

Maske: Ex-

L-Ron: HEY! Let's get the focus back up on me where it belongs.

Tony: [exasperated] What am I doing here? I haven't been to a press conference since the first Bush/Gibbs administration! Can somebody push back my reservation at the Palm? Ask for Tommy!

Maske: Excuse me Mr. Hubbard I have an important ques-

Wilbon: Is this being televised? [into cellphone] Wanda, I don't see any cameras here!

Wise: You guys all need to mellow out. Back in Hawaii things were so much more chill.

Czabe (via text): Do you think it would be better for the team if you were to step aside?


L-Ron: [whispering to Tom Cruise] These guys are fuckin' daffy!

Tom: [shouting to L-Ron] How many more levels do I have to buy my way through before I get to touch you?!

Jim Vance: Ain't this some shit?


Otto Man said...

Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na-na, LEAD-ER! LEAD-ER!

Christmas Ape said...

Did Ronnie Mervis have nothing to say?

Anonymous said...

Scientology is indeed retarded, but they have one hell of a pushy legal team. You guys might get a C&D for this. Whatever you do, don't back down from it. They have no ground to stand on and just try to bully people into their will. They sent a C&D to YTMND about a year and a half ago now and Max (site owner) told them to fuck off (in a legal way) and they went away.

And don't think that you're too small time for them C&D, they've taken on websites smaller than this one.

Big Daddy Drew said...

No chiming in from Doc Walker? Did you know Doc is legally retarded?

Stephen said...

First Tom Brady retires, now this? What's going on in the NFL? Am I right?

Upstate Underdog said...

needs some crazy laughing and karate chops from Tom Cruise.

Matt said...

If the dead can ask and answer questions then where was Glenn Brenner?

gone said...

I now have some wonderful reading at hand for my work day. Thanks Maj for those wonderful links to such fantastic subjects.

Brian said...

Off the charts.

Chopper Dave said...

Jim Vance: Bitches, I was in Silence of the Lambs!

The Last Unitard said...

This is just a crazy scheme by Snyder to become tax exempt. You know how those people are.

mpc said...

The only thing this post is missing is Jhoon Rhee imploring someone to call USA-1000. Nobody bothers Xenu.

Big Tex said...

top drawer maj. the real winner here is jason campbell. I'm sure he will grasp Dianetics far better than Saunders offensive scheme.

Brady Quinn Handjobs said...

Arch Campbell is covering sports? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

smurphette said...

Love the DC homer stuff -- the Jim Vance cameo was a nice touch.

Telecomedian said...

This may only be funny to people around DC, but damn if you didn't nail these guys perfectly! I'm just mad Coach Thompson didn't ask why a minority candidate wasn't interviewed, like his out-of-work son.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Other unsubstantiated upcoming KSK headlines:

"I wish my lawn was Eli so it'd cut itself."

Marmalade's New Blog: "More like Billy Vomo."

Gumbel to Caliendo: "I can't believe how stylish and urbane these 'pre-stressed' Red Socks hats make us look!"

East Village Superbowl/Retirement/I hate you dad and Peyton/ Party with special guests Will Leach and Dave Eggers.

Farve on Superbowl Victory: "We still have a long way to go for this team to be competitive."

-Reggie Nelson agrees.

Blogger arrested after Merriman cripples Brady

"What's the Frequency Daaaahhhrky?!?!" -Thomas O'Brien from Quincy, MA, arrested in post-loss assault on Randy Moss

Proactive Drops Simpson picks-up Turner

Chimpanzee Rage said...

Coach Thompson started to ask a question but the press conference ended before he could finish his query.

Mustafa Redonkulous said...

Ken Beatrice: "I don't eat fried food but I hear Jon Jansen's very good."

Happy Fun Miles said...

The tag should have either been "Tom Cruise Respects The Redskins Cock" or "Tom Cruise Tames The Redskins Cock".

twoeightnine said...


ben said...

These jokes are so insider it's like high school all over again.

But damn, they are HILARIOUS.


Unknown said...

I smell lawsuit... LOL


Unknown said...

Greaseman: Hobble do ga ga.

Anonymous said...

thank you for that, scientology its awfully nutty, but nothing will top DC personalities.

Bram Weinstein is a cunt, George Micheal has been dead for a decade or so, and Jim Vance either was or still is a pimp.

It feel so good to say that

Unsilent Majority said...

whoa whoa whoa, bram is the man.

ben said...

Yeah, john - Bram is certainly the coolest cat of this bunch.

He OWNS that ridiculous name callout.

Landru said...

You missed a sleep number joke.

Anytime DH said...

I already talked about this too.