Thursday, January 31, 2008

Seacrest Is Not Starting The Pregame Show Until Seacrest Gets A Decent C—k To Suck

Yes, Seacrest knows the pregame show is starting soon. Fucking FOX. Starting the pregame show 72 hours in advance. That’s a lotta time to fill, people! It’s a good thing Seacrest is here to preside over the festivities in a brisk, vacant manner. When you want it done right, you go with a pro. That’s why they brought in Seacrest for this. Everyone says they can do Seacrests’s job, and THAT is the key to Seacrest’s success. He makes it look far easier than you could possibly imagine.

But Seacrest is not ready to go out there yet.

What, Robin? No, the foundation is all right. A little uneven. Not your finest work. But good enough. And the suit is excellent. The tapered legs and skinny tie really show off how hard Seacrest has been working with his personal krav maga instructor. Look how streamlined this body is. It’s almost an optical illusion.

Can Seacrest get a spritz?

(Assistant comes over and sprays rose water in his face)

Thank you, Fran. Now, about the hair. Obviously, you were right to not go with the faux hawk. Now that Beckham is here, it’s far too domesticated. I know we shifted from the faux hawk to a kind of Deryck Whibley look last year, but I think that was too juvenile. If Seacrest stands for anything, it’s poise and professionalism. Now, where is Seacrest's juice?

(assistant comes over and brings juice. Seacrest spits it out)

What is this?! There’s no grapefruit in here! Remember: It’s one third guava, one third tangerine, and one third grapefruit. With a clove of garlic. And the orange in here was not organic. Seacrest can taste its Chinaness. Forget it. Just bring Seacrest a bottle of Kona Nigari. Filtered through a cheesecloth. AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE SEACREST A PUMICE STONE EXFOLIATION ON HIS HEEL? There’s excess buildup.

Did anyone here see “No Country For Old Men”? Yes? What did you think? Well, to tell the truth, Seacrest wasn’t moved by it. There were things he would have done differently, for certain. Didn’t like the sound design. Thought it telegraphed too much.

Have any of you practiced Taoism? Seacrest is thinking of dabbling.

What? We’re on in five? Well, that’s no good. Seacrest isn’t ready yet. No, it’s not you, darling. You’re fine. But we’ve only got five minutes here, and no one has brought Seacrest his morning cock to suck.

So, where’s the cock? The cock is usually here by 8. So, where is it? Dick Clark didn’t have to wait for HIS cock. So where is Seacrest’s?

(ten naked men are brought in)

Oh, this isn’t a good assortment. Are these cocks local? They look like they were flown in. They hardly smell fresh. They smell like Archway cookies. Where are the cocks from Ojai Seacrest asked for? THOSE are good cocks. These cocks are hardly anything special.

Well then, we’ll just have to wait. Get that large black guy who hosts the pregame show to fill the time. I’m sure he can giggle his way through something and give them the weather. Seacrest isn’t going anywhere until he gets a decent cock to suck.

(ten more naked men are brought in)

Better. But they still lack a certain je ne sais cock. Send them back.

(five more naked men are brought in)

Hmm. Not bad. Well groomed. Not much wrinkling. Nice texture. I suppose these cocks will have to do. Robin? Fran? Could you leave us alone for a moment? Seacrest has to prepare himself.

(they leave)

What do you gentlemen think of canary yellow this year? I hear canary yellow’s gonna be very big.


Unknown said...

Did they smell like Archway Iced Molasses cookies? And he still complained? Man, there's just no pleasing those Hollywood-types.

/shows self out

Weed Against Speed said...

Now that new advertising campaign I have been hearing about featuring Seacrest, Semen: Nature's Exfoliant, makes a little bit of sense.

Disgusting, yes, but it now makes more sense.

Otto Man said...

Seacrest out. Waaaaaay out.

Pemulis said...

isnt this how most people prepare for most things though? i mean, who doesnt start their day off by blowing dudes?

From the other side of town said...

Should have gotten him some California Penal Institution Cock, that stuff is local and strong.

Grimey said...

Personally, I can't wait for Seacrest's pre-game interview with Tony Dungy

fallex said...

+1 to me for having to google Deryck Whibley.

Oh and Archway cookies are the tits when you are broke and high, ie., in college.

Chuck Sweet said...

Pat Summerall's pre-game included lemon juice.

smurphette said...

"Better. But they still lack a certain je ne sais cock. Send them back."

Nicely done, sir.

Upstate Underdog said...

after the jock strap commercial and this Seacrest post I'm really hoping KSK doesn't get any gayer today.

My Insignificant Life said...

# upstate underdog

I'm sure they can and will - following the motto, all gay, all day, that's our way

/going back to work and laying head on desk

Upstate Underdog said...

for those of you just visiting for the first time do not click on the lemon party link kindly provided by leaking geek.

smurphette said...

KSK is kinda gay, I guess, but it's no Peter King.

- Reggie Nelson

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

all gay, all day

Isn't that a line from "Domino Dancing" by the Pet Shop Boys, or is it "all day, all day"?

Have that song in your head now.

Anonymous said...

Good thing I don't know that song.

But BDD, what's worse, people from LA or people from Bahstun?

My Insignificant Life said...


no idea, just popped into my head

/feels shame of it all

Unknown said...

no no no no no no no no yes no no YES no no no no YES YES YES no yes NO...

Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Yes to Mel Brooks references!

larry b said...

I bet Joe Buck was in the second group of dudes they brought in

wrecking_ball said...

There needs to be a fourth unicorn on Planet Unicorn, and its name needs to be Ryan Seacrest.

Otto Man said...

Nice work there, Jason.

"I love quicktime march."

BEHM777 said...

I hate you for "je nais se cock". I'll NEVER speak French again!