Wednesday, January 9, 2008

It’s My Understanding That You New England Gentlemen Are Unwilling To Pay Full Price For My Nubian Princesses

Hello! Welcome to Roxbury! Glad you could make it. Pardon our appearance. We’ve set up a makeshift camp here for the week. I know it’s not optimal conditions. But we do have deluxe Aerobeds, and we do have a small stock of Purell in each room. So I think you will find that, even as we rough it, we can still manage to do it in luxury. Anyway, would you care to join me for a quick sip of Charles Shaw?


(pours you a glass)

I tell you, you will not find a better Merlot under three dollars. Or, in your case, twenty-seven dollars for one glass. Are you comfortable standing? Perhaps we should retire to the divan. Come! Let us sit.

(sits on divan)

Do you like this divan? It’s from Turkey, which I’m told is a very exotic place that is not on this continent, where they eat various stewed meats. Often, after a long night, me and the girls will retire onto the divan to share finger sandwiches and do some light fisting. Go ahead. Sit back. That’s right. Just lean on your elbows. Isn’t that comfy?

Do I take credit cards? No, I’m afraid not. Too much of a paper trail. Are you in need of cash? Because there is an ATM machine just fourteen blocks over. I’m happy to wait as you get it. No? You’re good? Very well, then. Let us bring out the girls. SHARRAINE! GET THE GIRLS!

Juanita: Hello. I’m Juanita.

Juanita comes to us from Puerto Rico. She’s a grandmother, if that sort of thing suits you. Obviously, she knows her way around breeding. I must be honest. Juanita is very businesslike. Very stern. If you cross her, she’s liable to beat you with her shoe. Some sort of maternal reaction, I think. But I have to tell you, on most days, she’s very good. And she talks a surprisingly filthy game. I think it’s a function of Puerto Ricans living in such tight quarters. No secrets between those people. She’s not afraid to ask you to pull the hairs in her asscrack.

Jasmine: Hello. I’m Jasmine.

Oooh, Jasmine! Very, very elegant woman. She demands only the best of the best. I’ve seen her abruptly leave the checkout line at CVS if she’s made to wait too long. She’s very mysterious. Always sort of looking right through you. I almost think of her as some sort of big-chested housecat. She will bite without warning. Some guys are into that. Some are not.

Black Rose: I’m Black Rose.

Mmmm! The black cherry on my mansundae. You know I found her lying in an alley? She doesn’t remember a THING about her past. It’s kind of thrilling. Anyway, Black Rose is a very popular girl with our regular patrons. Very innovative. One customer stuck a bicycle pump in her. I thought that was rather ribald. She can get VERY nasty. Don’t be afraid to make permanent thumbprints on her body. But do be a gentlemen. 30% of her body is covered with razor burn.

So there are your choices. What do you think? Not bad, eh?

What do you mean, are there any more?

Well, I tried to go to great pains to show you my very finest ladies. I didn’t skimp. I almost brought Sasha with me, but she’s currently in a legal entanglement I cannot divulge. Surely, one of these fine women has caught your eye.

What do you mean, you’ll take Jasmine for half the price? I’m sorry, but these prices are not negotiable. We are not an outlet store for high-class pussy. We are the Hermes flagship store.

I think I know what’s really going on here. I was told this might happen by other players. It’s my understanding that you New England gentlemen are unwilling to pay full price for one of my Nubian princesses. Isn’t that right? "No daaaaakies," as I've heard Patriot fans call them? Isn’t that what you’re really telling Silky Garrard? That you are both discriminatory and thrifty with cash, as all Boston gents are?

Well, that’s unfortunate. I thought we were past this as a society. I see no reason why non-white women don’t deserve the same, good, hard meat stuffing as a white girl. Are we not one world? Didn't they teach you manners at Andover, or whatever fancy lily-white school you attended? I should have realized something was amiss. I take great umbrage, Sir. And, I must say, I think you are wrong. 80% of all the white women I’ve bedded have been about as exciting as fucking a dead halibut. But THESE women! These women have ambition! They didn’t just get the penis handed to them! They had to fight for every cock they got! And believe me, they bang like it.

Still want a white girl, eh? Oh, whatever. Fine. BRING HER OUT.

Linda: I’m Linda.

This is Linda. She’s a disgruntled 50-year-old housewife from Marblehead looking for some excitement. I hear she’s about as fun as fucking the headboard. Be my guest.

And give me back the Charles Shaw. It’s too good to share with a man of such poor taste. This goes on your bill.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

What a coincidence... I work in Roxbury too.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Which corner?

Jelly B. Good said...

I didn't know the futuremrs was from Marblehead?

gone said...

And she loves her some 3 buck Chuck!

Phony Gwynn said...

Ribald is a totally underrated word.

And I wish I got paid more so I didn't have to drink so much 3 buck Chuck. It is good, though.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

I found her lying in an alley
Was she being lynched alongside Tiger?

We are the Hermes flagship store
Oprah was shopping there at the same time and demanded that the store be closed for everyone else.

Upstate Underdog said...

Boston just hasn't been the same since The Combat Zone was shut down.

SlideShow Bob said...

Jasmine looks like she'd be packing a little something extra downstairs.

the great bambi said...

the patron wanted a 50-year-old housewife? belichick is dealing with the enemy during game week?

Leaking Geek said...

Jasmine makes my funny parts all tingly.

Brett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
naptown drew said...

deezenutz, Supermike, and Robert want to know when 50 cent started playing quarterback for the Jags and parading slaves around their Aerobeds.

Unsilent Majority said...

Nice post Ape.

Rusty Trombone said...

Hines Ward rikey Jasmine a very much.

The Last Unitard said...

Only a man named Silky could engage in some "light" fisting.

Comicbook Guy said...

This is Linda. She’s a disgruntled 50-year-old housewife from Marblehead

Nice to see the ex is getting some work

Anonymous said...

Drew, I'm just curious: For how long and at what computer do you browse for these "ho" images?

the great bambi said...

@ davis

they're drew's ex'es

Unknown said...

Judging by what appear to be Robert's repeated attempts at late night posts, New Englanders aren't into pussy at any cost.

the great bambi said...

@ miamidiesel

probably because New Englanders aren't into pussy at all

Slash said...

I had a September 23, 2007 Charles Shaw the other day, it was excellent.

Where does the Purell go, exactly? And when do you apply it? Before, during, after? All three?

Just wondering.

Jonny Epic said...

You think Byron Leftwich serves his patrons Carlo Rossi?

Taliek Brown said...

@ slash

I shit you not, I had a friend who dried masturbating with purell in college. He said it was so painful he was in tears for 10 minutes. So I'd say its an afterparty gel.

pain-ther fan said...

Razor burn on only 30% of her body. Sign me up!

JAMMQ said...

Ummm . . . excuse me, if you're going to portray us Puerto Ricans in your posts, at least do it correctly.

If Juanita was really Puerto Rican, there would be a stroller handles faintly visible in the bottom of the picture.

Toothie14 said...



rthat picture of logan mankins rules

hahaha aweome

Finísima Persona said...

One customer stuck a bicycle pump in her. I thought that was rather ribald.

Good God... Is it possible?

Has Silky Garrard just replaced Jerry & The Fatman as my fave KSK recurring feature?

Pure, unadulterated, free-range, uncut, strong-enough-for-a-man-but-PH-balanced-for-a-woman genius!