Friday, January 4, 2008

An Overflowing River of Douchejuice

AFC 3rd Seed -- San Diego Chargers (11-5)

[A quiet dinner party]

Sarah: This one time, when I was little, my family was on a road trip and me and my brother were acting up. So my parents just pulled over to the side off the road and let us out.

Dan: Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaat?

Sarah: I mean, they did come back, like, five minutes later. They just went to the next exit then doubled back and got us. But we were terrified. Just sitting alone at this rest stop.

Lori: You totally should have just told somebody. You could have gotten your parents in a shitload of trouble. "Hi, our parents abandoned us!"

Sarah: I know, but I...

[A knock at the door]

Lori: I'll get that.

[door busts open]

Philip Rivers: Hey hey, betta ask someboddaaayyyy! What's with all the long faces, lookie fucking loos? Heh. Heh. Heh. Funny fucking anecdote the famous athlete must've interrupted, huh? I'm sure it's everyday a starting NFL quarterback barges in your place. Whoa, where's the goddamn party at?! I don't wanna blow my fucking Wednesday night for shit.

[Someone emerges from the kitchen]

Rivers: What's this cheap shit you got here?

[quaffs entire bottle, spits half on the floor]

Rivers: God, that fucking sucked.

[Throws bottle in high arch toward wall. Bottle doesn't hit wall for a full minute]

Rivers: What? You got a problem with an NFL QB trashing your place? I might as well sign the shards of fucking glass. YEAH, THE FUCKING GLASS! What's this you got on the wall? A Degas print? Aren't you such a sophisto?

Rivers: Me? I don't get art. Art is for fags. Even people named Art are incredibly fucking gay, y'know. RIGHT!? This one's okay though 'cause it's got Mr. Miyagi in it. God, that's so fucking funny. MR. MIYAGI!!! Teach those dancing bitches!

[slaps nearest person on back, laughs in their face]

Rivers: I fucking love Karate Kid. That's why I love Bill Simmons so much. Because he devotes column themes to old fucking movies like Rocky III like it's fresh material. The divisional round column will be about the crappiness of airline food or the quality of computer porn.

[slaps nearest guy on back]

Rivers: This guy likes porn. Huh? Buddy? Huh? FUCK YOU.

Rivers: I don't need this shit.

[Whips out cell phone. Holds it to his ear impatiently for 20 seconds]

Rivers: Fuck you, LT. Pick up your fucking phone. Why is it ringing through? Dick.

[Rivers surveys the increasingly impatient crowd]

Rivers: But, yeah. I gotta get going. It's been fun and shit.

Aren't you gonna offer me some food to get me on my way? Isn't that what considerate hosts do for professional athletes who grace their lame parties? Or is this just a get-together, so the rules don't apply? HUH? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS? WHY YOU CAN GET-TOGETHER MY BALLS.

[Storms out]

[LaDainian Tomlinson emerges from behind couch]

LT: Is he gone?

Rivers pic sent by reader Roger R.


Unknown said...

Is the painting of the ballerinas going to have to substitute for the cheerleader post? If so, it'll be just a new medium for me to learn to masterbate to.

SlideShow Bob said...

[Throws bottle in high arch toward wall. Bottle doesn't hit wall for a full minute]

Wow thats just genius.

Upstate Underdog said...

quaffs ? What's with the fancy talk ?

I hope this post doesn't turn into another GraFlaWa.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Fucking brilliant, Ape.

Stephen said...

Just wait until the Simmons readers figure out they can comment over here. Then we're all in for some poorly spelled shit, let me tell you what.

Unknown said...

Art Monk - not gay

smurphette said...

Thank you kindly for the haterade fix. What an assbag.

The Navigator said...

also not gay - Art Vandelay

Unsilent Majority said...

But not Arthur Fonzarelli?

My Insignificant Life said...

@ richard

It's high society masterbation. It's how the other half does it.

My Insignificant Life said...

also not gay, Art Carney

Phony Gwynn said...

Ape, how'd you score a picture of my incest support group?

the great bambi said...

can't you read unsilent? his name isn't art, it's arthur Fonzarelli or The Fonz, nothing gay here, NOTHING

art shell? loves the cock

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Artie Fufkin: gay.
Arterial wounds: gay.
Artificial insemination: Jodie Foster gay.
Arty the One Man Party: I thought he was cool when I was in middle school. Maybe I'm the one who's gay. might be time for me to go home.

Grimey said...

I watched an episode of the late 80's remake of Mission: Impossible. Thanks to that episode, I will immediately know that any painting featuring ballet dancers is most likely a Degas. And I will never ever forget this.

Meanwhile, I will immediately forget your name five seconds after you tell it to me.

DC said...

haha this has to become a regular feature. I hate Philip Rivers so much. You've got to work in Drew Brees next time though, make him the life of the party and extremely considerate.

Brees: "I volunteered with the coast guard on some of their humanitarian missions during Katrina and I could see the devastation in the eyes of this nine year old girl--Becky I think was her---"
Door Flies Open
Rivers: "Oh what the fuck is this?? San Diego chose me!! Norv Turner believes in me! That's why I force it to my widereceivers on out routes--apparently the only kind of routes I could possibly throw!"

SDW said...

Thank you. Oh, God, thank you for this post.

bfreakin3 said...

Surprisingly, that's the most flattering picture of Rivers I've seen.

clueheywood said...

(door flies open) = comedy gold approaching. Yee haw!

Porky1 said...


Awesome. Oh, if only we could get a Cowboys-Chargers Super Bowl this year...if only for the Marmalard vs. Wade posts.

Grimey said...

LaDainian was hanging out with Mohammed, Jugdish, Sidney and Clayton

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

Artie Lange - pole smoker

Big Tex said...

I'm not sure who would be the worst san diego qb to have as a houseguest. dan fouts would would eat all your cheese, ryan leaf would would scream at your cat for asking him too many questions and stan humphries would concuss himself on the salad fork.

Unknown said...

Egads man, this is two weeks in a row with no cheerleader post. At least last week Ufford's entire prelude was dedicated to them (and putting them on the moon or something, I'm not sure what), so it wasn't that big of a deal, but no such luck this week. As rememberance (and hopefully the conclusion) of this crisis of spank material on KSK, next week we should have an honorary "Who Ya Got" between the slutty Little Debbie burning one (which was last week's surrogate cheerleader post) and the underage-but-ever-so-supple ballerinas who comprise this week's replacement.

larry b said...

Hopefully Jay Cutler was hiding outside the party in the bushes, waiting to jump out and stab Rivers.

Anonymous said...

Double J and The Riv need to have a conversation together.

PartMule said...

Art Garfunkel. Need I say more.

Mevs said...

Thanks roger r.

Jez said...

Rivers sorta looks like Ryan Leaf, doesn't he? Also, you guys aren't going to dig any deeper with his sideline jibber-jabber against Cutler? How old is this guy?

Funniest part of the post was in the party picture. Dude at the head of the table is wearing an "IOWA" shirt. I don't know why I find hilarity in people who make poor choices. Maybe I'm as immature as Rivers.

OD said...

Reading those lines, I keep picturing him as Rod Farva.

Sonic Tooth said...

death to Marmalard. tonight's game inexplicably made me hate him more than I already did.

would love it if Cutler carried out the Felipe Rios hit...

Blogger said...

Whether your prime concern is taste or variety, Vaporfi got you covered.

With vape juices that are extracted from food-grade ingredients, their vaping flavors are amazingly smooth and consistent.