Reader Gavin B. writes:
I nominate the following name changes:
Adrian Peterson is no longer Purple Jesus, he's just plain old Jesus.
Jesus (the "son of God" Jesus) is now to be called "Carpenter Jesus."
Make it so.
Works for me. Hey Childress, this is what happens when you let the best player on your team play more than 40% of the snaps. Fucking dumbfuck.
Every day until voting for the 2007 Weblog Awards closes on November 8th, we’ll have a new celebrity endorsing us and encouraging you to vote KSK for Best Sports Blog. And, should these celebrities be female, and possess a surplus of cleavage and a deficit of clothing, well, we can’t help who chooses to love us. Today’s celebrity endorser is actress and Dane Cook foil Jessica Alba. Jessica, what do YOU think of KSK?
“Omigod, I love KSK! I love funny things! Lots of people think I'm just a pretty face with an impossible body and flawless complexion, but I've got a real sense of humor! I love doing comedy and looking silly! Like, I heard this one joke yesterday. Oh my God, it was SO funny! It made me laugh SO HARD! Ha ha ha! I don't remember what it was."
Thanks, Jessica! Stay tuned for more endorsements from vapid, smoking-hot actresses all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re in the process of assigning yourself a new gender!
Listen, Mac: I don't aim to waste your time. I don't feel any particular antipathy toward you and yours and you probably feel likewise. I'm just trying to give you the skinny, the score. Pin back your eyes for a moment and don't raise any rumpus. This daylight savings time has me all out of sorts.
What we need here is a return to the norm, the norm being defined as the tradition of a single year. That, of course, is the election of Kissing Suzy Kolber as the internet's best sports blog, as defined by a sample size of a tinker's damn, if you pardon my Gallic tendencies. That's what we've come to value as order, something the Italian families valued above all else. Because, if there's anything Italians are known for, it's getting things done in time, and screwing over the schmatas.
Don't give me the high hat, just hear me out. I know I'm not the pulchritude of a Lucy Pinder, but I'm a man who knows what he likes. And what I like is being type cast as a voluble old-timey gangster. I can speak in hard boiled slang until the chippies come home or wherever it is they distribute Carnal Knowlege correctly.
Last year, we tried a plethora of strategies to win the Best Sports Blog award. We begged. We pleaded. We even resorted to a good old fashioned nasty attack ad. And all of it, to our surprise, worked. But I think this year, I think we’re gonna require an even bigger effort. And you know what that means: Celebrity endorsements!
Yes, celebrity endorsments are the backbone of any campaign. Spielberg endorsed Hillary. Oprah endorsed Obama. Fred Thompson mildly endorsed Fred Thompson. And the corpse of Lenin endorsed Kucinich. Having a celebrity back you lets the common folk know you have even less in common with them than they originally thought. Is that A+ campaigning? Fuck and yes.
So, every day until voting closes on November 8th, we’ll have a new celebrity endorsing us and encouraging you to vote for KSK. And, should these celebrities be female, and possess a surplus of cleavage and a deficit of clothing, well, we can’t help who chooses to love us. Today’s celebrity endorser is British pinup model and Tebow-girlfriend lookalike Lucy Pinder. Lucy, what do YOU think of KSK?
“Oh, I think KSK is brilliant, innit? Even though I’ve never heard of them. And I don’t know anything about American football. And I’ve never heard of a blog before. In fact, I don’t even know how to use a computer. I just stick out my heaving treasure chest and say, ‘Can someone please help me with this bloody machine?’ and blokes come running in to help me! It’s brilliant. I like dancing and pretty colors.”
Thanks, Lucy! Stay tuned for more endorsements from big-breasted models all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re in jail!
The Houston Texans cheerleaders had a Halloween party. Maybe some of you had the chance to go to a party like this-- where wanton harlots shake their goods like nobody's business. If you did, then I sincerely hope you and everyone you care about dies a slow, painful death. I spent my Halloween watching watching television and seeing how many Laffie Taffies I could shove in my mouth at one time (Answer: seven).
As you might have gathered from the shiny new badge on the right, we have been nominated to defend our Best Sports Blog crown in the 2007 Weblog Awards. A quick scan of the nominee list show we are definitely the most deserving again this year.
First, you have to throw out the ones that aren't even real blogs like FanHouse and SB Nation. Express & Star is a goddam newspaper. I mean if newspaper blogs are fair game then Dan Steinberg should be nominated (just kidding, he's shitty too).
F1 Fanatic: Look, we already lost a Bloggie to the Arse-holes, we don't plan on going down to anymore Brits.
EDSBS: run by a drunken kid-toucher. I think you get on an FBI file just by going to that site.
On Frozen Blog: Fucking hockey, man.
Deadspin: Just say no to the Gawker-Medellin Cartel.
Hardball Times: Actually does a good job of capturing the excruciating ennui that is Major League Baseball
On the DL: This safe-haven for loose-lipped floozies updates maybe once every two months. How they got nominated, I'm afraid to guess. (No, I'm not: bullshit promises of Vegas hummers.)
Diecast Dude: Not nominated this year/dipshit.
So there you have it: KSK once again deserves your vote(s) since every one else pretty much sucks out loud. Vote early and often.
Now back to the gratuitous T&A.
"You will help me get my rucksack down for the Swedish meatballs?"
Last year, the one known as the Maj penned an enlightening piece on who to root for between the Pats and Colts. After some heavy thought and two rounds of bong hits, Maj picked the Pats.
But here we are, one year later, and the choice is no longer quite so clear. These are two really fucking annoying teams, largely because they win a lot and my team does not. There’s only one way to figure out who to root for on Sunday. And that’s to bust out the Pro and Con lists for a special mini-edition of…
Quien Es Mas Macho: Dungy O Belichick?
Tony Dungy
Pros:
-Nice guy
-Super Bowl champ
-Muy macho
-Best-selling author to sucker Christian readers who’ll buy anything Pastor Walton commands them to
-Supposedly classy, which almost makes me think he’s a closet sexual deviant, which would be cool
-Aerodynamic, pyramid-shaped head
-Goofy ears allow him to hear Rob Morris farting from the 30-yard-line
-Found Randy Moss’ moon mime in Green Bay funny
-Only black man in America who wears pleated Dockers
-Black, but not black enough to be threatening to pasty white sports journalists, who are positively terrified of Mike Tomlin
Cons:
-Mustache lacks thickness of Reid's, wispiness of porn star's
-Came out against hot interracial Owens-on-Sheridan shower banging
-Not a Jake Gyllenhaal fan
-Closeted afficionado of Corn Nuts
-Like Flanders, refuses to buy insurance because he views it as gambling
-Extreme kindness and piety just a cover for the fact that he murdered a hitchhiker back in ’81.
Bill Belichick
Pros:
Cons:
-Asshole
-Seriously, the guy is a fucking asshole
-Refuses to hire Jennifer Beals as sleeve-cutting consultant
-Showers less frequently than Christopher McCandless did or currently does
-Would strangle your wife if it meant getting useful info for his practice squad, and would enjoy it
-Has broken more arms during intercourse than Rocco Siffredi
-Has raped Brady while quarterback was asleep
-Hates you and your family
-Hates God
-Hates the world
-But loves craisins. Adores them
Two manly men, but they’re no Jack Lord. Personally, I think the Pats win by two touchdowns or more. But what about you? What do you think? QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!
I hate making homer bets the way conservative politicians hate hot stinky man-ass. But sometimes the urge for that sweet sweet action builds inside of you like a a benign tumor. Last week I tempted fate and bet against the Patriots for the first time this season. Of course I did it because I'm a pathetic fucking homer who should know better by now. There was no way that my Redskins could lose by such an expansive margin as 17 points!
Yep, I'm a dipshit...but at least I'm not Gregg Williams. Fuck that guy. After all, I did profit off of the three other investments.
Fortunately all of that is behind us. It's a new week and I'm ready to get back with the Rent Checks Patriots.
New England -6 at Indianapolis
(Risking 100 to win 91)
The Colts are playing as well as ever having won twelve straight. They've enjoyed a great deal of recent success against the team they are hosting...and they're getting six points. It's unfuckingreal when you think about it, but that's all meaningless right now. New England is the hot shit and everybody knows that they're untouchable.
They remind me of the aliens at the beginning of Independence Day. They don't seem to worry about anything, they just chill up in the stratosphere and blow shit up on a whim. You can throw all you have at them if you so choose, but it will just blow up in your face. What we need is a Jeff Goldblum. Some brilliant scientific mind who can send a virus through their impenetrable defenses. Unfortunately Tony Dungy is not a man of science, he's a man of god. He probably doesn't even believe in aliens.
I hope that this jinx and my monetary sacrifice will appease the Gods and bring about the downfall of New England...but I'd also take the money (if they win and don't cover the Potomac will run red with kitten blood).
Lighten the Mood Parlay!
(Risk 25 to win 153)
Washington -4 at New York Jets
They aren't that bad. Are they?
Buffalo +1 vs. Cincinnati
If these two cities didn't have NFL franchises would you even know they existed?
Cleveland -1.5 vs. Seattle
All hail Horse Balls.
Enjoy your weekend.
As SBXLI 1/2 occupies all discourse, both rational and Easterbrookian, this week, a few other somewhat compelling matches are getting the short shrift. Among them is a battle for the AFC North in which I have absolutely no emotion invested. No, I don't hate Baltimore at all. I hear it's a wonderful city to get murdered in. 500 some odd people a year can't be wrong. So, WHO YA GOT?
Wade: Well, that was a real nice bye week. Finally, a chance to get a little R&R. Spend some time with the family. See the kids. Wrangle some lovin’ from the Mrs. Get away from that crazy asshole. Yep, I reckon I earned a day off or two. Guess I better start gameplanning for those pesky Eagles. Let me just check these internal team memos before I get started. Let’s see: Oh, they’ve added brisket to Tuesday’s lunch menu. That sounds darn good. What’s this other memo? Press release?
“FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Dallas Cowboys are proud to announce that they have signed quarterback Tony Romo to a contract extension.”
Extension?
(door flies open) 
Jones: YEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!! THIRTY MILLION GODDAMN DOLLARS, YOU BIG FAT COCKSUCKER!!!!!
Wade: Oh, God. I had nearly forgotten about him.
Jones: Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was goddamn STAR?! Didn’t I?!
Wade: I guess.
Jones: You’re goddamn right I did, you fat, oozing mound of pigshit! And now I’m giving him the money to back it up! $30 million! That’s ten, twenty, THIRTYMILLIONGODDAMNDOLLARS! What do you think a that, Chesty Morgan?
Wade: What do I think of it?
Jones: Yeah! Pretty impressive pile of money. Eh, Minnesota Fats?
Wade: I guess.
Jones: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS!!!!! WAHOOOOOOO!!!! When Double-J sees something he likes, he keeps it FOREVER! I tell you what, Blobby, the only thing that feels better than getting $30 million is knowing you have the “fuck you” cash to give it away to someone else! That’s POWER! Sweet, delicious POWER! Goddamn, I love power more than I love fucking my housekeeper in the ass!
Wade: Whatever you say, sir.
Jones: You know, Snuffleupagus, I’ve been thinking. We’re 6-1, and you’ve done all right for a guy who has a stroke walking up a handicapped ramp. I’m thinking maybe you need a little salary increase yourself.
Wade: Really?
Jones: Nah, just jerkin’ your lariat. YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ SHIT, MABEL!
Wade: Oh.
Jones: In fact, I’m gonna need to start pulling more of your weight around here, Florida Evans. And given that you’re the size of floating shit barge, pullin’ your weight’s gonna be quite a task!
Wade: Well, what do I have to do?
Jones: One word, Dumptruck: Branding! I just signed an endorsement mega-deal with Diet Pepsi Max, and you’re included in the signage!
Wade: Didn’t we already do an ad for that?
Jones: Yeah, but now we’re gonna a shitload more! It’s gonna be a whole series! I’ll be Jake, and you’ll be the Fatman.
Wade: I don’t wanna be the Fatman.
Jones: Tough shit. You’re fat, so you’re acting fat. I just paid ROMO $30 million. I gotta make that shit back somewhere. This Diet Pepsi Max deal is just what ol’ Double-J needed! It’s like regular Diet Pepsi, only with more PASSION! More FIRE! More JERRY! That ginseng stuff ain’t just for Oregon faggots, you know. That shit gives me some extra fucking energy! Energy I need to pistol whip staffers, fishhook call girls, and chew out my pilot! And, looking at you, a little bit of DIET Pepsi could do your fat loins some good. I bet your thighs chafe when you take two steps down the street!
Wade: Maybe.
Jones: Good! I’m glad you’re on board with my plan, Tubbalicious. Now, I want you to wear this Diet Pepsi Max shirt.
Wade: Fine.
Jones: And this Diet Pepsi Max visor.
Wade: Fine.
Jones: And this Diet Pepsi Max medallion.
Wade: Fine.
Billboard Painter: Someone call me to paint a Diet Pepsi Max billboard?
Jones: Over here, Dutch Boy. I want you painting that logo right across Free Willy’s backside here.
Wade: Whoa, hold on a cotton picking minute. He’s not painting my ass.
Jones: Get real, Bertha! You think Pepsi’s gonna pay $30 million without me giving them the biggest piece of real estate I got? We’re painting that logo on your ass and you’re gonna like it!
Billboard Painter: I’m gonna need more paint than what I have in the van. This is a three-coat job, minimum.
Jones: Buy it all, my man! And make sure it’s oil-based! Ol’ Porky here can take a shit that’ll make latex paint peel off the goddamn walls. Now drop ‘em, Fatty!
Wade: This sucks.
Jones: WOO HOO FUCK YEAH HOLY DIET PEPSI MAX I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
It's an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren't making money off their pain. That's only for the league to do.
NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It's also a satire of this.
-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, October 30, 2007 11:14 AM
Love Actually was probably easier to watch than that game.
-----Email Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, October 31, 2007 2:14 PM
The Browns or the cookies?
