Tuesday, August 21, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: Kansas City Chiefs

Suck my ROC!

Projected Record: 8-8
Actual Record: 8-8
Herm's Favorite Time to Run Larry Johnson: Third and 8

An Arbitrary Number of Fast Facts on the Chiefs

-There are two Kansas City's--I think the Chiefs play in the crappy one.
-Brodie Croyle was a cool name in fifth grade.
-Herm Edwards doesn't like being called Herman. On a more interesting note, the nation's first television advertisement for condoms aired during an episode of Herman's Head. That night the show received thousands of complaints--non of which had anything to do with condoms.
-Priest Holmes just criticized his spinal column for holding out.
-Claude Maurice McGee goes by the nickname "Turk" because all of his real names are kinda fey.
-Kyle Turley is half C.H.U.D. and half Morlock.
-Jason Dunn is really two and half midgets.
-Even though he's 6'3" Napoleon Harris has been known to wear lifts.
-Jay Z is worried that Larry Johnson is trying to fuck Beyonce.
-Beyonce is terrified that Larry Johnson is already fucking Jay Z.

If you know one thing about these Kansas City Chiefs it's that Gunther Cunningham doesn't take lip, he gives lip!

If you've been watching their training camp unfold on HBO's Hard Knocks (not me!) you know that Gunther isn't just a crotchety old man, he's nuttier than Chloë Sevigny's mouth.

Three Quick Thoughts:
-I'm not footballologist but I'm pretty sure those guys need their hands.
-I'd pay good money to watch Gunther try to wrap his feeble old-guy hands around DeMarcus Tyler's ginormous head stalk
-It should come as no surprise that Gunther was born in Munich shortly after the fall of the Third Reich.

If you are a fan of the Chiefs I offer my humble apologies for the things you've read here and all of the misery you're bound to endure this season.


Otto Man said...

Don't cry for the Chiefs fans. We're already dead.

It's been a pleasure watching "Hard Knocks" to see in intricate detail the many ways my team will disappoint me this season.

That part where Herm Edwards painstakingly created a sign with magic markers to welcome the team to camp? Yeah, that sound in the background was me sobbing myself to sleep in shame.

Jarrett said...

Not Mentioned - Willie Lanier has put in several calls to LJ regarding signing a deal, not because he plans on punching him in the face as has been widely speculated, but he needs to plan his fantasy auto-draft accordingly.

dick_gozinia said...

I actually felt a little bad for Herm when they threw his sign on the ground. All that coloring looked hard as hell. Fucking ingrates.

Wormfather said...

Oh Chiefs, Chiefs, Chiefs...as a Jets fan, you will never know how happy you've made us.

It's like getting ready to dump a girlfriend then her saying she's found someone else and you can have all the things she bought in the appartment because she feels bad.

See that last part, that was the draft pick you gave us.

Otto Man said...

Truth be told, we hired Herm just for his coloring skills.

Remember how tragic it was when the grounds crew painted "CHEFS" in our end zone? Not on Big Herm's watch, baby.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Great googly moogly.

BeaverFever said...

@ Otto and BDD, great commercial. Here it is.


whowillsexmutombo? said...

Never mind the way his art project got treated... did you see the way the team acted when he brought home his spelling test with a gold star on it? Good lord, it's like nothing is ever good enough for them.

Slash said...

I enjoyed the Chloe Sevigny reference. You just don't see enough of those in sports journalism.

Otto Man said...

ESPN is reporting that Larry just ended his holdout.

I'm happy to say that fixes every single problem with the team.

JAMMQ said...

More fast facts:

-Herm Edwards does not like comparisons between he and the "Jackie Childs" character on Seinfeld.

-Kansas City Chiefs G.M. Carl Peterson only allowed Chiefs training camp to be filmed for Hard Knocksif it was promised that they would edit the film to make him look like a competent General Manager.

-Likewise, Herm Edwards demanded that each episode contain at least three scenes of him either working out, and/or giving a complete incoherent motivational speech.

Jingoist said...

And Fantasy GMs Everywhere Rejoiced...
For LJ hath returned to the fold in K.C. And Fantasy Football Drafts everywhere just shifted. My guess is LJ just moved up from the 5/6/7 range I have been seeing out of mock draft rooms like ESPN and back up to the 3/4/5 range now that he'll get 2 games under his belt before the season.

And actually, who can argue with THAT strategy? Hold out half of camp, miss the two-a-days and 2 pre-season (see: useless) games in which to get hurt, er... I mean get in practice reps and shake off the rust? And you know what? After a 400+ carry season last year, LJ deserved/needed the rest to keep him a little fresher to start this season.

The veteran players will tell you, the preseason is a joke and should be cut in half anyway. LJ (and Vinny Testaverde) just took it upon themselves to show everyone. And besides, "Maddenites" everywhere have gotten to enjoy dishing out a little LJ punishment for a whole week already since the launch of Madden '08.

So really, all we are talking about at this point is the suicide rate amongst the fantasy footbal GMs who already held their drafts and had the 3rd or 4th pick and passed on Mr. Johnson because of his contract status. (Note: those GMs do not deserve to win their league anyway if a contract dispute clouds their draft judgment and precludes them from taking a stud at RB- they deserve a year long hazing anyway).

rick@waitingfornextyear said...

Check out the Namath clip at halftimeadjustments.com.

king of the herculoids said...

too bad lj wont do shit without an offensive line.

Michael J. Bernard said...

What is really a shame is that the Kansas City Chiefs (along with the San Diego Chargers) have one of the losingest mentalities in all of football. At least the Raiders are deluded enough into believing they MIGHT win football games. The Chiefs and Chargers might win a bunch of games in the regular season, but when have they ever been able to turn that into ANYTHING? Come on, these guys are a joke. I wish I could find some decent odds against on either team winning the conference. I've already taken each to go under on wins.


5150cd said...

Big Love is better than MNF.

Yeah, I said it.

Wormfather said...

Wow, bold statement. Mr. 5150

Unknown said...

bill simmons/

ok over under on carries for lj this year, like 500 me and j-bug were joking that its going to be like that time in the blues brothers where the car just broke down, fantasy people do not take him, i winner of the league of dorks advise you as such./

My Hero Zero said...

Best prekkake yet. That said, I predict that we can thanks the Chiefs for finally killing off "Hard Knocks." Documentaries about mollusks are infinitely more compelling that watching Herm sustain mediocrtity in yet another NFL city.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Prediction: Herm Edwards will at least once this season begin a sentence slowly, ask a rhetorical question and answer with:

Olentangy said...

The Chiefs play in Kansas City Missouri, which is the bigger of the two, and the one that is the main city in the Metro Area. The crappy one historically is Kansas City, Kansas ( think Camden NJ, E. St. Louis IL etc. ) but recently KCK has been rehabilitating its image with the NASCAR track and the best new shopping area in the metro area.etc. There even were rumors that the Chiefs were going to build a new stadium next to the NASCAR track in KCK..so which Kansas City is the crappy one is not such an academic question anymore.

Unsilent Majority said...


QWIJIBO said...

there's a post on KSK about the Kansas City Chiefs and yet no mention (well there's probably mention I didn't and can't read) or most importantly pictures of Brodie Croyle's beauty queen pageant hot wife.

Unsilent Majority said...


That's my lawyer's secretary's name!

Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Man, Herm is a cracker!

blairjjohnson said...

um, go Chiefs. or something. drew -- a Zappa reference? nice, dude. nice.

Rich said...

+1 for the "Brown Bunny" reference...