Thursday, August 2, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: Pittsburgh Steelers

There goes Hines Ward, inviting his Asian friend, Richard Nixon, to training camp.

Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:

* Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger disappointed to discover that among the 237 reasons people have sex, "to impress my buddy, Donald Trump" was only listed in the low 190s.
* In a nod to tradition, Hines Ward disposes of underpeforming fighting dogs by sauteeing them in sesame oil and serving them with a side of kimchi.
Like his predecessor, Chris Gardocki, rookie punter Daniel Sepulveda has never had a punt blocked. Sure, it's only by default. But that shouldn't stop announcers from continuing to belabor the point and mentioning it every time the team gets a 4th down on their own end of the field, SHOULD IT?!
LaMarr Woodley's limp-wristed throwing style helpful at javelin, less so at linebacker.
* Growing up, Willie Parker used to race pit bulls in his hometown of Clinton, N.C. But who provided those dogs? I don't know - some local guy. It wasn't Bad Newz Kennels. What? Not everything has to do with Ookie, okay?

Projected 2007 Record:
19-0, 19 by KO.

Actual 2007 Record:
11-5, first in AFC North.

Despite being seventh in the NFL in total offense and ninth in total defense, the Steelers remained first in the league in giving me massive fucking headaches last season by committing the fourth most turnovers. There were easily at least four games they essentially gave away because of thoughtless turnovers. Given another chance and they could've been right in the thick of it. Guhhhhh.

How to combat this plague:

1. Kill Ricardo Colclough -- done.

2. Tell Santonio Holmes he's allowed to punch a woman for every four punt returns he doesn't drop.

3. Have Mike Tomlin tell the white players in his blackest voice. They won't forget.

4. Give Dan Kreider more carries. Sure, he won't gain any yards. But I'll be damned if he fumbles the ball.

5. Start Charlie Batch.

6. Threaten to send Heath Miller back to Virginia.

7. Instruct Cedric Wilson that running routes doesn't mean gluing oneself to opposing defensive backs. Even if they're sexy.

8. If Willie Parker puts the ball on the ground inside the Red Zone, Casey Hampton gets to eat three pounds of his flesh.

9. Start Charlie Batch.

10. Place a woman's shoe in the opponent's endzone for Najeh Davenport.

11. Replace Kendall Simmons' insulin shots with Flintstones chewable steriods.

12. If Jeff Reed gets a kick blocked, he only gets to drink as much as Roethlisberger.

13. Start Charlie Batch. I'm super cereal.

And, voila, that 8-8 season becomes a ... non-soul-crushing season! IIIII'VE GOT A FEEEEEELING...


sam said...

"...when God built a nose tackle, he built Casey Hampton," said Brett "The Diesel" Keisel

Hampton laughed at that.

"He built a short, fat guy," Hampton said.

And if you like rampant Steelers homerism, help out "The Ghost of Fran Rogel" blog at

Trader Rick said...

Najeh could squat over the shoe, then drop the football from behind his back onto it. Joe Buck would be horrified!

bizzo5000 said...

Mark Madden said it best when asked who would get the blame if they lost their first 3 games; Roethlisberger, Alan Faneca or Mike Tomlin? His answer? Which one one of those was black? Yes, Pittsburgh. Holding up Jim Crow laws since the 60’s

David Haney said...

"The whole steel industry has gone gay. Where have you been, Homer?" - M. SYZLAK

Hustler of Culture said...

You forgot to mention the part where Roethlistberger missed 9 games while injuring his head while:

a) skydiving
b) playing putt putt or
c) wild sex romp with his lineman

Christmas Ape said...


I'd put water bottle bowling above those.

flubby said...

Willie Parker used to race pit bulls

Did he have little monkeys in jockey suits riding them? 'Cause that would be funny.

Unsilent Majority said...

Charlie Batch: MVP

MC said...

Just because the mascot is yellow doesn't mean he's Asian. Come on now.

Here's to the least gay, least arrested team in the AFC North!

Yaccub said...

Of course the bengals had 4 games of their own that they shoulda won. including against the steelers dec. 31st. Please continue to focus on 'what could have been'. Kinda like, "what coulda been in 2005 if kimo at least got flagged and fined for a late hit...?"

Anonymous said...

do the Broncos! do the Broncos

Unknown said...

when are the Steelers moving to Detroit (so that they can be closer to Jerome Bettis)?

wrecking_ball said...

I was looking forward to this, Ape. You didn't disappoint.

Oh, and thank you for not mentioning the kicker dong.

jessica rita said...

14. Start Charlie Batch. Release Brian St. Pierre.

15. Re-sign St. Pierre to the practice squad/third string spot.

16. Visit Ben in the hospital.

17. Drop St. Pierre again. Sign Tyler Palko to the practice squad.

18. Pray to Jesus that nothing happens to Steel Valley Charlie.

jackin'4beats said...

3. Have Mike Tomlin tell the white players in his blackest voice. They won't forget.

So what is Mike Tomlin telling the white players?

when are the Steelers moving to Detroit (so that they can be closer to Jerome Bettis)?

At least then the people of Detroit would have something to cheer about each winter.

Keep the Prekkake coming...

Unknown said...

When is the lone Bengals' fan going to stop whining about Kimo. Did he forget that the Bungals had two, yes two, ten point leads in that game. Oh, my mistake. I forgot that Carson Palmer played on defense too. Did that injury cause them to completely fall apart in 2006? Evidently. At least Chad Johnson makes us all laugh. Man, is that guy funny on the field or what. I mean, come on, putting with a pylon? That is just priceless!! Hey, I know what could help the Bengals this year. Trade for Pacman Jones. He would fit right in with the other thugs that reside on the wrong end of the Ohio. Get over it, Cincinnati. Grab another Kleenex, blow, wipe and throw it out. Move on.