Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Free Crackers For Fitty, Act I

Scene i: The Drive.
Setting: Matt Leinart's Hummer

Matt Leinart: Yeah, so thanks for coming out with me, Fitty. Are you enjoying the interior of my new Hummer?

Larry Fitzgerald: S’all good, Matt. Thanks for inviting me along for the free crackers. Holy shit, I love crackers. ‘Specially free crackers.

Matt: Heh, yeah.

Fitty: …There are gonna be some free crackers where we goin, right?

Matt: Yeah, man. Free crackers, it’s a done deal.

Fitty: The uneasiness in your voice disturbs me. And where are we going?

Matt: I told you where we were going.

Fitty: No, you didn’t. You just drove up my driveway with the words FREE CRACKERS painted on the side of your new Hummer, knowing full well that I would jump into your well-upholstered vehicle to accompany you without hesitation, which I did.

Matt: Right.

Fitty: But I should have you know, good sir, I consider any insinuation of free crackers to be sincere, and therefore binding. Should you fail to deliver on your promise in a timely fashion, you shall draw the wrath of Mr. Fitzgerald.

Matt: Lemme just call my agent on the hands-free and, uh, make sure the crackers are there. [dials, phone rings]

Fitty: There where? Where the fuck are we going?

Tom: [on the phone] This is Tom.

Matt: Tom, it’s Matt, I’m on my way to that meeting with the Miramax people, but…

Tom: Spit it out, Matt. I got a couple-a Venezualan broads armwrestling over here to see who’s gonna blow me first, and they are not a patient people. Out with it.

Matt: I gotta be honest man, this fucking movie bullshit, I’m not really feeling it.

Tom [Matt’s agent]: Then I’m glad you called. I know you’re concerned, it’s a significant potential investment, but you don’t need to sweat it, Miramax and I have talked it over, this new movie is gonna reignite the whole shitlovin’ franchise. Wait, listen, you hear that? That’s the sound of 20-dollar bills being printed for you to wipe your ass with. It’s a win-win, Matty. Guaranteed.

Fitty: Miramax? What the—

Matt: Tom, I don’t want to be a Negative Nancy about this, but, a new Lassie movie? Really?

Tom: Matty, simmer down, my man. Put on your ballroom dancing cap and think about the economics of the thing.

Matt: Uh, okay.

Tom: Family movie. The whole family’s going to see this thing. Kids wanna see Lassie, so mom and dad gotta see Lassie. But those spoiled little shits don’t stop there, they gotta pester the parents at Wal-Mart to buy all these shitty toys that get released along with the movie. But they gotta get the ball rolling, they need money to film the shit. Some of the usual guys haven’t come through, and, uh, they’re gonna share the pie with the new backers, you know, with you guys.

Fitty: This is about money?

Tom: Whadya say, Matty?

Matt: I said…if the movie’s gonna be so tits, how come they’re still looking for money?

Tom: Matty, c’mon baby, who ya talkin’ to? Have I ever given you bad advice?

Matt: Maybe that flight attendant you set me up with at the Madden party last year?

Tom: Hey, she didn’t have chlamydia when I fucked her.

Matt: Oh, that’s great.

Tom: Matty, c’mon baby. Listen, these Miramax guys, they don’t forget the people that come through for them. So maybe down the road when your career goes all Kurt Warner and whatnot, we get Jeff over in media to ghostwrite a couple of your books, we go back to Miramax, they’re looking at a new movie, all about you, and you’re getting all this just for cashing in on this Lassie business. Matty, with these guys, one hand—

Matt: Look, I got Fitty in the car with me, so I gotta go.

Tom: Alright. I’ll be in Cayman tomorrow through next week, so reach me there. Tell Fitty he can reach me there, too.

Matt: Cool, man. [click] What a douche.

Fitty: I did not hear the topic of Mr. Fitzgerald’s crackers addressed during that conversation. Matty.

Matt: Look, dude. Let’s just go to this—

Fitty: Nah nah nah man, FUCK THAT SHIT. What the fuck does he mean “back it,” like giving them money, in lieu of the crackers that were promised to me? Like those crazy bitches are getting Dime One of my shit for some Lassie movie. That’s my stash, man. I repeat: fuck that shit. Matty. I just came for the free crackers. Matty.

Matt: C’mon man, be cool. You heard him, this could be a big deal for me. Let’s just hear them out.

Fitty: Where the fuck are my free crackers? Matty?

Matt: Stop calling me Matty, you cock!

Fitty: Yeah, you just missed the turn right there.

Matt: What? This printout says another point-three miles.

Fitty: The fucking sign was right there! You’ve got that shitass Google Maps, ain’t no fuckin point-three miles you stupid fucking—

Matt: ALRIGHT I’M FUCKING TURNING AROUND! Fucking shit! And stop calling me Matty or I’m gonna tell Anquan that we went someplace without him!

Fitty: ...Nah, we straight.

Matt: Okay [Matt parks, gets out of the car] So we just go in and listen, and if we like the ideas they have for the movie, then we can offer to back it, or we can—are you getting out of the car?

Fitty: [muffled through the window] I ain’t givin’ no money, man. I just came for the free crackers.

Matt: Look, we’re just going in to listen, okay? You don’t even have to say anything. I know some of these people, they’re counting on me and--let’s just do this. I am sure they have some crackers in there.

Fitty: [gets out of the car] Gimme your keys [Matt gives him his keys]. If they don’t have crackers in there, I’m gonna pour grape juice on your new upholstery. And then I’m gonna shit on it.

Tomorrow: Act II


David said...

I gotta say, I can really feel Fitty's motivation in this scene. False promises of free crackers would have me enraged. I can't wait to see if there actually are crackers at the meeting!

Danny G said...

IS this MMP's Richard McBeef? What's next, shooting up the comment section?

Clare said...

Fitty and I were at Pitt at the same time, and he lived in the apartment below mine one year. I do not recall if his garbage bags contained many empty boxes of Wheat Thins.

Dave said...

Perhaps Ritz or Triscuits, then?

Anonymous said...

He seems like a Keebler Clubhouse guy to me.

Wormfather said...

I gotta say it...I'm confused.

liquid_d said...

To be fair to Fitty, who amongst us hasn't been duped by the classic "free crackers " ploy?

Ian said...

I'm glad that Fitty went along with it. NO ONE likes a Negative Nancy. Funny stuff.

Anonymous said...

Me too, Worm. Me too.

Unsilent Majority said...

Clare, I always felt like he was the exact opposite of rod rutherford. you know, well liked.

flubby said...

I could go for some Chicken in a Biskit crackers right now.

Becky said...

Flubby, those crackers always REALLY disturbed me for some reason. Do they actually taste like chicken? Cause that's kinda gross.

Anonymous said...

uhm would someone explain this it was funny and all but whats with the crackers? Did i miss something. I see that other commentors are confused,

Otto Man said...

If I saw a whitebread dude like Matty Leinart pulling up in a car with "FREE CRACKERS" written on it, I'd assume that the Blue Collar Comedy dolts had been thrown in jail.

Martha Van Bork said...

Pretty sure the crackers are just a MacGuffin, brainiacs.

jackin'4beats said...

So Fitty likes crackers then.

Explain it to me again...

Raskolnikov said...

Clare, is there any Pitt receiver who wasn't in your building?

Anonymous said...

I read "Fitty" and I was expecting at least to see at least one G-Unit reference.

David said...

@ i rape:

Always a good day when one sees MacGuffin used in a sentence.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Wait, I though free crackers meant one of Leinart's pasty stick with boobs groupies for fitty, to, um, you know, eat?

Trader Rick said...

Maybe the cracker is the place inside each of them, created by their goodwill and teamwork.

Captain Caveman said...

Check out the brain on I Rape. From Wiki:

The element that distinguishes a MacGuffin from other types of plot devices is that it is not important what the object specifically is. Anything that serves as a motivation will do. The MacGuffin might even be ambiguous. Its importance is accepted by the story's characters, but it does not actually have any effect on the story. It can be generic or left open to interpretation.

The MacGuffin is common in films, especially thrillers. Commonly, though not always, it is the central focus of the film in the first act, and later declines in importance as the struggles and motivations of characters play out. Sometimes the MacGuffin is all but forgotten by the end of the film.

Because a MacGuffin is, by definition, basically unimportant to the story, its use can challenge the audience's suspension of disbelief. Well-done works will compensate for this with a good story, interesting characters, talented acting/writing, and so on. In the case of an ambiguous MacGuffin, audiences can imagine what it is or ignore it and just go along with the story.

flubby said...

Flubby, those crackers always REALLY disturbed me for some reason. Do they actually taste like chicken? Cause that's kinda gross.

I think they are so named because they're made from ground up beaks and feet. Mmmmmmmm, chicken feet.

Casual T said...

What if you used a McMuffin as a MacGuffin? Would the universe implode?

Otto Man said...

Did that Wiki piece even mention Hitchcock?

And yes, I am too lazy to look for myself.

Brian said...

I think I need a hug.

And a cracker.

And a McMuffin.

Mark said...

What. The. Fuck.

If I wanted a MacGuffin I woulda went to Macdonald's. Either way, Tim Hortons breakfast sandwiches are where its at now.

JAMMQ said...

Di mei mao-guffin!

Trader Rick said...

The crackers are not what we thought they were.

Ian said...

Holy Crap! I learned something today by visiting KSK! This had better not keep up.

gone said...

Isn't MacGuffin the dude who said Take a Bite out of Crime?

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...


I’m gonna pour grape DRINK on your new upholstery.

Unknown said...

No- it's grape DRANK

Tracer Bullet said...

Doesn't the presence of Matt Leinart mean that Fitty was, in fact, provided with at least one free cracker?

Slash said...

Goddammit, now I want crackers AND a McMuffin.
And some grape drink.

Chicken in a Biskits are a little too chickeny for me. I don't know what they put in them to make them taste like that, and I don't wanna know. I prefer the Club cracker. It's buttery and smooth. A good cheese-and-crackers cracker. A little too rich for peanut butter, though. I prefer Zesta with peanut butter.

Becky said...

Huh, mystery solved. I do NOT want my crackers to taste like other foods. Give me a ritz, and I'll add cheese and pepperoni if I want it. Don't try and make a pepperoni cracker, that's just sick.

Also, I like to say "pepperoni."

Anonymous said...

@ becky,

when people say what do you want on your cracker i say another cracker. thats why i like them.

Mitch Hedberg so funny.

CoffeeTableBook said...

I'd believe it if it were fudgicles instead of crackers.

David said...

First, it's fudg-sicle...And I know they're up here

fatty said...

I'd like to see an "offseason adventure of Mike Vick" where he tries to follow this story. Then, when the crackers are never mentioned again, he explodes...

"..but the crackers man, fuck, what about the crackers?! FITTY, GET YO MOTHA-FUCKIN' CRACKERS!!!...holy shit, I'm stoned. Yo, Marcus, get me some crackers!"

Marcus - "dude, they're just a MacGuffin"

"YEAH!! A macguffin...go shoot up another mc donalds and get me a mcguffin...and some hash browns!"

Unknown said...

'Bout time we had a Cardinals related post.

"And stop calling me Matty or I’m gonna tell Anquan that we went someplace without him!"

Love it.