Thursday, May 31, 2007

Free Crackers For Fitty, Act III

You may want to read Act I and Act II if you haven't already...

Scene i: The Tub. Fitty is in the hottub at his house, reading the latest treatment of the new Lassie movie he is executive-producing for Miramax, when he starts to get hungry.

Larry Fitzgerald: Lupé!

Lupé Môřãléŝ: [runs in from the other room] ¿Si?

Fitty: Baby, did you order me that Buffalo Chicken pizza for me like I told you?

Lupé: ¡Si, shood bee heer soon, weet da pang crost! [runs out of the room]

Fitty: Baby, I told you! No. Pan. Crust on that shit! Pan crusts are forever at odds with my tender palette, never mind the bombardment of that square shape upon my psyche. You must call them back and tell them that the contents of my order have been compromised.

Lupé: [runs back in] ¡ Boot dee pang crost peetza eez olreedy caw-meeng !

Fitty: Just get me a damn towel, my shit’s starting to wrinkle up in this mug. [she leaves as he shakes his head in disappointment]

Fitty: [continuing, to himself] Why the fuck am I payin’ that bitch a whole dollar-twenty-five an hour? [reaches back for his cell phone and hits “7” on his speed dial; it rings three times]

High School Kid Who Has Just About Had it With Life: [answers phone in monotone] Thank you for calling Papa John’s Pizza can you hold please…

Fitty: No, good sir, there’s no time! I’m afraid that a delivery approaching my domicile at this very instant may be tainted!

High School Kid Who Has Just About Had it With Life: [pauses] …Fitty?

Fitty: …Todd?

Todd: Yeah. You calling about…that one medium Buffalo Chicken pan pizza with the five orders of breadsticks?

Fitty: Yes! You must understand! The pan crust and I—

Todd: Yeah, we just assumed that part was a mistake, so we changed it to regular crust. It should be there any minute.

Fitty: Oh, thank goodness. [hears the call waiting beep] Thank you, o pimply one. Farewell [clicks over] Mr. Fitzgerald’s office?

Anquan Boldin: Fitty! It’s Quan!

Fitty: Aw, shit.

Quan: Don’t you ‘Aw, shit’ The Quan, man. Mr. Leinart told me about your expedition without me!

Fitty: Man, why you keep callin’ his ass Mr. Leinart?

Quan: He said you makin’ a new dogfightin’ movie! How you gonna make a dogfightin’ movie without The Quan?

Fitty: It’s just a dog, yo. Ain’t no dog-fightin’ in this shit. This dog ain’t doin’ nothing but chillin’ on this shit-ass farm and savin’ a bunch of crazy-assed rednecks when they doin’ stupid shit.

Quan: Check it out, The Quan is enjoying this latest issue of Sky Mall catalogue! And they got some shit!

Fitty: What mall catalogue?

Quan: Check this shit out! The Quan can purchase a statue of a sumo wrestler lookin’ like he’s takin a shit for just 95 bucks!

Fitty: [feigning disinterest] Man, I got like, five of those.

Quan: You should see this little bitch, man! He’s a big fat yellow motherfuckah and he got titty for days!

Fitty: Sounds like Lupé.

Quan: Yeah, but check this shit out: For $225, I can get dude squattin’ in a four-point stance with a glass table stacked up on his shit. But if I get this motherfucka, which way do I point dude’s ass?

Fitty: Well if you still have that couch with the love seat you’ve gotta—

Quan: [to somebody else] Look here, baby! The Quan will use six pillows if it pleases him!

Fitty: Quan, where are you?

Quan: [to somebody else] Hey, Fitty, check this shit out! The Quan is comin’ to ya tonight! I called to getcha to pick me up from the airport?

Fitty: [confused] Quan, man, did you call me from your cell phone…while you’re on the plane?

Quan: And guess who on da plane wit me! Jimmy Seinfeld!

Fitty: Quan, you can’t use a cell phone on a passenger jet. You’re gonna fuck up the guidance systems and crash that shit.

Quan: They ain’t gonna crash this motherfucka wit this rich white boy on here!

Fitty: Quan, I can’t pick you up. I got pizza comin’

Quan: Are you shittin’ The Quan, man? You gonna deprive the needs of The Quan…for a pizza? It’s not like you eatin’ crackers, man!

Fitty: I interpret the pizza as one larger, delicious, saucy, cracker.

Quan: Damn, man! you know how much a cab in DC is?

Fitty: DC? You’re flying to DC?

Quan: Yeah, man. Wanted to see my boy Fitty, man!

Fitty: Quan…I’m in Phoenix.

Quan: [long pause]

Fitty: …I can’t pick you up if you’re landing in DC.

Quan: [long pause]

Fitty: …because I’m in another city…about 2,500 miles away.

Quan: [muffled screaming of women’s voices, then the call drops out]

Fitty: [puts the phone down behind him] That might not have been good. Maybe I should—

Lupé: [running in the room] ¡ Peetza Heer ! [runs around the hottub and then back out]

Fitty: That’s what I’m talkin’ about…[Gets out of the hottub and starts drying off, then suddenly stops]

Fitty: Lupé! What the fuck is all over this towel?


Anonymous said...

how do you come up with this shit?

Unsilent Majority said...

mmmm pizza cracker

Trader Rick said...

I love legitimate theater!

Smello said...

"The contents of my order have been compromised."

That's just awesome.

Anonymous said...

the quan will use six pillows if it pleases him.


Wormfather said...

So very confused, part III

Big Daddy Drew said...

"I interpret the pizza as one larger, delicious, saucy, cracker."

Only if it's the The Edge from Pizza Hut.

Dave said...

brown towel?

pizza sauce?

What is on the towel!?

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Slap me cinco Lupe!

Anonymous said...

I'm having a hard time placing a voice for Fitty.

Jon Pyle said...

Well played, Punter. Well played.

jackin'4beats said...

Lupé Môřãléŝ?

Great use of the extra and often unnecessary accents on the Latin names that the WWL employs all the damn time.

Does The Quan make it safely to DC?
Has Fitty's order been compromised or did Todd hook him up?
Is Lupé using Fitty's towel as toilet paper?

Answers to these questions and many more...same Fitty time, same Fitty channel.

MDW said...

Holy hell, this place is hilarious.

Great job, as always.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

These posts seriously suck and are unfunny, man. I think 3 acts is more than enough.

Anonymous said...

Suddenly my mom showed up and told me to get a real job because I'd never make it far on my writing talents.

PUNTE said...

@das roro kid: Thanks for your opinion.

Otto Man said...

I can't imagine what it would be like to be on a crashing plane alongside Jerry Seinfeld. Not only are you about to die, but you've got to hear "And hey, what's the deal with these oxygen masks?" all the way down.

BeaverFever said...

jimmy seinfeld, reminds me of a guy i once worked with that always called him steinfeld.

Anonymous said...

beaverfeaver gives me an idea for this, worst celebrity to be stuck on a plane going down with. BDD this is a good ideam i think (which means it is most likely noit)

Anonymous said...

my bad the idea was otto mans

Grimey said...

Larry Burns: That's easy. Buddy Holly

BeaverFever said...

i think the credit for worst celebrity to die in a plane crash draft should go to otto, not me larry.

also, has anyone here ever oredered anything from the sky mall ? talk about a catalog full of junk.

Wormfather said...

@Larry No, it's a fantastic idea.

I'm taking Donnovan McNabb.

"Great, I'm about to die, trying to keep some dignity and this ass hole is here dry heaving"

Anonymous said...

@ Beaver:

But tell me you haven't at least looked through those catalogs on a long flight and thought, "Man, a digital hammock alarm clock is a fucking sweet idea!"

David said...

Man, I love these posts. I'd pay upwards of 6.95 to get a 150 page book of these.
Fitty: I interpret the pizza as one larger, delicious, saucy, cracker.

Fucking kills me.

the butler said...

I want Fitty and The Quan on my fantasy team this year.

BeaverFever said...

i think we all have looked through those catalogs on long flights. i can't even count how many times i've wanted to order the $100 doggie bed.

Otto Man said...

I want Fitty and The Quan on my fantasy team this year.

Heh. I had the same thought. I'm getting a piece of the Cardinals offense just to be a part of this magic.

gone said...

What I want to know is: why in the hell was MMP even browsing thru the Sky Mall catalogue in the first place? Bored? Taking a dump on the plane and needed reading material? Reading it in order to ignore the douche sitting next to you who keeps trying to engage you in conversation?

Or do you have that shit delivered to your house?

AustinBoston said...

Isn't anyone else curious as to the plot of this new lassie movie?

I would like to see Lassie take on other dogs in fights to save his owner who owes gambling debts to Michael Vick (the organizer behind all of the dog fights)in sort of a Van-Damme Lionheart sort of story.

Wormfather said...

Just a warning people we're delving into Bill Simmons type material with this sky mall rubish.

Proceed with caution.

Smello said...

The Sky Mall catalog is sort of like a long night in the bar. The stuff looks better and better the more you drink.

Anonymous said...

beaver i ave credit to otto but not in my first post in my second, by bad. it was otto.

a-rod: least likely to come up clutch and save us.

PUNTE said...

@wormfather: But would I still be keepin it real to discuss a Rubish cube?

Bloof said...

I don't understand this shit at all.

Having said that, I'm still gonna order everything "weet da pang crost" front now on.

"I'll have a Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger weet da pang crost."

"I'll have a glass Chardonnay weet da pang crost."

I gotta know what's on that towel. I think it's semen.

"weet da pang crost."

Grimey said...

These Fitty posts remind me of the time I rented Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.

Basically, I'm just sticking around to see Moira Kelly get naked.

Peter McSheisty said...

I gotta know what's on that towel. I think it's semen.

Its dooty. BDD was chillin at House Fitty last week.

Anonymous said...

@ Smello:

Simmons probably actually shops from these catalogs, but he'd only write about them if they had Alton from the Real World/Road Rules on the cover shirtless.

Trader Rick said...

That "Basho, The Sumo Wrestler" table is incredibly disturbing.

Add a touch of the Far East with "Basho" (Japanese for "tournament"), a traditional Sumo practitioner of one of the world's oldest martial arts. Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances.

Under the 'YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE...' they should have Kenny Chesney albums.

Wormfather said...

@MMP True, so true.

@ Burnsy Since we're definitly steering towards a simmons bashing session (hey it's been a couple of weeks)he'd follow your statment up by supposing some bullshit event and and then saying "Can we get somebody on this, please"

If I were the "VP of Common Sense" @ ESPN I'd start by having him covering sycronized swimming and then giving him a myspace page to write on.

Oh and I'm taking simmons next as my pick in the "people I wouldnt want next to me with the plane going down" competition.

"Wanna to take back the title of your book now, dont ya bitch?"

Anonymous said...


hed claim that the crash proved the ewing thoery as you deid so your last memory would be agony.

Wormfather said...

@Larry I dont know if I should laugh or cry.

Oh, This is for the Rapture said...

Fitty should have asked for ludicrous amounts of extra garlic butter... why else do you buy Papa Johns?

BeaverFever said...

waiting for a response from austinboston.

Wormfather said...

Also waiting for a response from Austinboston.

Let's see if I can find him on another post.

BeaverFever said...

i figured being called an asshole for something innocent would garner a response.

PUNTE said...

@beaverfever, it just did...

Ray said...

I'm not sure what the fuck dat roro kid is talking about. The chronicles of Fitty are priceless.

Nice work, MMP.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Let me put it another way: 90% of the stuff on this site makes me laugh. THIS running post is not one of them.

It's simple. No hatin'. This IS the comments section, right?

PUNTE said...

@drk - He's entitled to his opinion, as you are to yours. I don't care which side you take, as long as it doesn't get personal.

If you have any specific gripes about the series, you can share them with me over email. Just putting that out there.


Black n Gold said...

I like the Fitty posts. Nonsense is a great way to write. What the hell else do we have to read about for the next 3 months?

Marcus Howell said...

Now "the Quan" need not worry which direction the table ass gets pointed, for it points in all directions!

Group 5 said...

Check out I myself have the Cat's in the Cradle flask.

Becky said...

I have never wanted crackers more often than since the saga of Fitty began. I'm going to go enjoy some Cheese Nips* right now.

*Nips>Cheez Its, because they properly spell "Cheese" and because, you know, Nips.

Unknown said...

Triscuits and cheese trump all other crackers. Especially the triple and quadruple deckers that you have to either turn sideways or open your mouth so much it hurts.