Will Somebody Puhleese Think of Corrupting the Children?

To atone for their various misdeeds and to burnish their image with the league, Chris Henry, Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson and Michael Vick met with Mrs. Plimsoll's 4th grade class at Roosterhaven Elementary School in suburban Philadelphia to discuss proper conduct and comportment.

Mrs. Plimsoll: Okay, class. We have four special guests today. These men are professional football players that have gotten into some trouble and are here to explain to you what they did and why you shouldn't do the same. We'll begin with what each player did.

Tank Johnson: I got strapped. Then I strapped my house. Strapped my dog. Bought a second house so I could strap that. Shot somebody so I could worry about someone getting revenge on me, thus giving me an excuse to buy more guns. Worry that the guns I have would plot against me, so I bought more guns. You kids got guns? We're not in Virginia, so I guess not.

Michael Vick: Oh my god. Am I back in elementary school again? This is great. I get to do finger painting and discover weed all over again. I don't think that was until 5th grade, though. Maybe a little revisionist history is in order.

Pacman Jones: I tossed paper currency on an exotic dancer in a manner suggestive of meteorological precipitation. Then I had sex with her without saying "thank you."

Chris Henry: Pick up the packet under your desk. Read items one through eight on my rap sheet. Don't do them, 'cept six, that's still going through appeal in the courts, so we'll wait on that.

Mrs. Plimsoll: Class, you may ask questions of Mr. Vick, Johnson, Henry and Jones.

Frankie Tompkins: Is your real name Tank?

Tank Johnson: Nah. It's tracked armored combat vehicle. But that's too long to stick on a gun permit, so I shortened my name and I also stopped filling out gun permits.

Mrs. Plimsoll: Students, doesn't Mr. Jones' name remind you of something?

Steven Showalter: Yeah, they had that game at the bar Chris Henry took me to last night.

Chris Henry: Which one of you kids asked me to pick up that pack of Spaten. Must've been that German kid in the back.

Mike Hunt: Mistah Jones, what causes the rain?

Pacman Jones: The rain is caused by one of three ways: these are known as condensation, coalescence and the Bergeron Process. But more often, it happens when my dick get hard and some freaky bitch twist her ass out.

Wendy Cappercan: Mr. Vick, why do you have doggies fight each other?

Michael Vick: I'm really glad you asked that. See, when at first I brought these dogs together, it was to get at the root of the pan-canine hostilities. We had doggie drumming circle, doggie art therapy classes, doggies team building exercises. Then we all sat down together, got really high and watched The Crying Game. Then Mr. Googily Eyes, Forest Whitaker gave that tale about the frog and scorpion, with the scorpion attacking the frog despite their need for one another and the frog saying, "Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion? For now we both will drown!" Then the Scorpion replies, "I can't help it. It's in my nature." That really opened my eyes. Also, the dogs were kinda pissed about the transvestite stuff and wanted to work it out through combat.

Mrs. Plimsoll: That's enough for the question period. To wrap up, each of the players will say what lesson they learned from their experience.

Tank Johnson: Obtaining guns is only the result of a more pressing problem, which is not owning enough guns.

Pacman Jones: Don't make catchy names for your deviant acts. It only makes the punishment more severe.

Chris Henry: Don't commit a whole bunch of crimes unless you're ready to suffer the consequences. Like, being suspended for four games. So, try to keep at least a paycheck saved up in your bank account for times like that.

Michael Vick: Then the dogs come to me after the fight and tell me how freeing and natural the act of combat is to them. It really caused me to reevaluate a lot of things. Like, I'm trying to spend all this time reading these defenses when I could be talking to them, finding their true nature. I think at the end of it, the defenses realize that my place is in the endzone and they'll leave me at peace there. Then we can get some defense drum circling going.