Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick! Episode 5: Dogfight!

Oh, man.

Oh, holy shit.

Oh, I am fucking stoned like Mother Teresa.

This is fucking great. Honestly, there’s nothing like just loungin’ at home and hanging out with your dog… while he fights another dog to the death while I place bets with this Taiwanese bookie I found in an alley.

Bookie: (flashes large wad of cash) Di mei mao!

Slow your roll, my hairy-moled friend. And get that boom mike outta here. I wanna soak in the atmosphere and shit. What I like about this dogfighting ampitheater I had custom built are the sight lines. Everyone’s got a good view of the fight and shit. (takes bong hit) God, this feels great. Can someone get me a mai tai or a similar rum drink. Mr. Bookie man, would you mind doublin’ as like, a waiter?

Bookie: (pulls revolver) Di mei mao!

All right! All right! Shit. I’ll have Marcus get it. He ain’t doin’ shit. Okay, let’s get these bitches goin’. Who wants to tango with my Priscilla? She the baddest motherfuckin’ rottweiller/pit bull/doberman/German Shepard mix that ever was. She’s Jaws with paws, bitches. That was the tagline to that movie “Man’s Best Friend,” but that shit is mine now.

(A succession of fresh-faced college students bring their dogs around)

Hoo hoo! Look at these tomato cans. Motherfucker, you should just name that bitch Science Diet, cause that’s what Priscilla’s gonna turn her into. God, I fucking love my life. Can’t nobody do what I do: run a huge mid-Atlantic dog-fighting ring while nicely toasted and have no one be wise to it.

Bookie: Di mei mao!

That’s it, folks! The time for placin’ bets is fuckin’ over. Now it’s time for some high-end canine Kumite shit. What’s the name of Priscilla’s victim this evening? Lucille? Oh, that’s fucking rich. Two bitches goin’ at it hard. I wonder: can two dogs have a catfight?

Hang on. I just dazzled myself.

Inspector Todd: Vick!

The fuck is that?

Inspector Todd: Where is that motherfuckin’ Vick?!

Oh shit.

Inspector Todd: The fuck are you doin’, Vick?!

Shit, I’m hallucinating again. Who laced my shit?! Inspector Todd from the “Beverly Hills Cop” films is back again!

Inspector Todd: You goddamn right I’m back. What the fuck are you having a fucking dog fight here for, motherfucker?

You’re not here! I’m not listening! You’re really actor Gilbert R. Hill and shit!

Inspector Todd: The fuck I am.

Inspector Todd, I don’t know why you have to use so much profanity.

Inspector Todd: You been holdin’ illegal fucking dogfights in this fucking state for too long, Vick!

It wasn’t my idea! It was Marcus’! You know he’s the violent one!

Inspector Todd: Don’t fuckin’ lie to me!

What’s the problem? We’re havin’ fun and shit! Ain’t nobody getting hurt. Except the dogs.

Inspector Todd: And what the fuck you need to bet on this shit for?!

I dunno. Flash money.

Inspector Todd: Oh, I see. Flash money. Let’s see. $2,000 for a suit. $500 for a tie. A requisition order for a Ferrari. The fuck you need all this shit for?

Oh, please don’t hurt me, Inspector Todd! I was just trying to make things happen like I always do! I’m gonna change! I swear! I ain’t gonna smoke any more laced dope. And I’m gonna stop hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Bookie: Di mei mao!

Except Lo Tan. He and I are tight.

Inspector Todd: This is your last chance, Vick. You’re a talented QB, but I’m tired. I’m tired of watchin’ you fuck up again and again. I’m tired of this shit. You hear me? Fuckin’ tired.

Okay. Okay! I promise I’ll quit! No more! I swear! I just wanna hang, Inspector Todd! Inspector Todd? Inspector Todd, where’d you go? Lo Tan, you see a really angry black man screaming at me in here just now?

Bookie: Di mei mao!

No? So it was all in my head? Phew! Man, that was fucking trippy. Okay, Priscilla. Go tear that bitch’s head off.

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

UPDATE: Did you know there's a death metal group fronted entirely by pit bull vocalists? That's right. Say hello to Caninus, Michael Vick's favorite new band.


Anonymous said...

Wow. You know, it says here that by the time the average American is fifty, he has five pounds of undigested red meat in his bowels.

After seeing this movie one hundred times, I've finally realized that the above quote explains the reason we all accidentaly dump on our white bath towels.

Grimey said...

This is not my dogfight....

Hercules Rockefeller said...

ding dong!


Anonymous said...

Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!

Mevs said...

Wonders if Todd Marinovich's pit bull ever took part in the dog-wars

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

People like Vick discust me. They are the reason that pitbull owners like myself have to jump through hoops to keep our pets. Sorry just really pisses me off.

my little pup


ok sorry back to the dick jokes now

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Inspector Todd just got me all riled up. Paul Reiser was the balls in that movie though.

Slash said...

I was gonna say even dogfighting is funny when Michael Vick does it, but then I saw the picture of Chris's dog, with his/her sad, sad eyes, so now I can't.

Maybe one day, a dog will rip off Michael Vick's balls... now THAT will be some funny shit.

Anonymous said...

Priscilla is like the Daniel LaRusso of pit bulls. Can we get a ruling on this? And Mike Vick's weed is like: "I will now set myself on fire."


MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Mr. Bookie man, would you mind doublin’ as like, a waiter?

Hang on. I just dazzled myself.

That's just precious right there

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

+1 Ben conant

Rob I said...

@chris: aww what a cute widdle puppy wuppy!

HolyDogWater said...

Vick: Alright Priscilla, you ready to motherfuckin' fight?

Priscilla: I want to have your puppies Michael.

Vick: What the fuck!?!?

Priscilla: Oh... I mean woof, woof.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Rob are your channeling Elmer Fudd?

Otto Man said...

"You ever wonder why they call 'em pit bulls? With all the teeth and claws there, they should call 'em bit pulls. Damn that's good. Someone call Lorne Greene on this tip. ... He's dead? Fuck you, call him anyway."

Anonymous said...

Yet nobody talks about the illegal shih tzu fights being run at Jeff Garcia's house in Key West.

Smello said...

Tell Vick that Ramon - -the fella he met about a week ago? - -tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10, and I think Vick should go check himself out with his physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off on the man.

cameltrader said...

"Di mei mao" means "Where's my water bottle?" in Chinese.

SlickBomb said...

Just awesome. Inspector Todd is my favorite guy in that movie. Part of me thinks that's how everyone in Detroit talks.

Otto Man said...

What happened to Matty 'n' Fitty? Did the Egg Council get to them, too?

JAMMQ said...

"I just blew my own mind."

Unknown said...


Peter McSheisty said...

My boss would love to know that I spent the past 25 mins trying to figure out what "di mei mao" means. I was unsuccessful in my attempts. The best I can tell it means something about currency or funds. Oh fuck it, its time for a smoke break. This is why I bring my one hitter to work with me. Nothing like a quick shot of THC on the company's dime.

Ian said...

To be serious for a moment, Vick is shit. Dogfighting? What a jackass. He should be suspended for a year.

jackin'4beats said...

Dei mei mao!
Dei mei mao muthafucka!

Comedy at it's finest. I was waiting for Lo Tan to break out in philosohical rant about dogfighting and the duality of man or some shit. I like him screaming "Dei mei mao!" much better.

I think Mike's Taiwanese bookie looked more like this.

Becky said...

I want to pet Chris's puppy. And for once, I don't make that comment with any kind of sexual overtone.

Chris, send me a full body shot and maybe that will change.

Mike said...

Yes! Funny shit, oh my.

I'm always on board for the continuing adventures of Mike Vick, Stoner QB.

But . . . when do Jerry "Botox Boy" Jones & Mike make an appearence together? Drew, bring us HOME!