KSK Travel Guide: The 10 Best US Cities To Masturbate

Travel season is here, and that means shelling out lots of cash for you and your significant other to spend a week someplace insignificant (really, you can sleep 'til noon anywhere), spending your day doing mundane crap that might look like fun, I guess, if you're some 40-year-dipshit that lives within the glossy confines of some pamphlet photograph. And after a week of all that, you'll be lucky to get one night of sex out of the ordeal. Who calls that a vacation?

Suppose you just want to blow town for a weekend, possibly because you're not getting blown yourself? Why go through the trouble of bringing someone along when, at the end of the day, you're just waiting for them to go to sleep so you can jerk off in peace? Where's the time for ménage à moi? Shouldn't that be the focus of your hard-earned hiatus?

Well, now it can be. Pack your bags, book your ticket, and tell that ungrateful little tramp that you're flying with Han Solo this summer. Once again, we've got you covered, as your compadres in hand present to you The 10 Best US Cities To Masturbate.

1. Fort Lonesome, Florida

History is rich in Fort Lonesome, where the villiagers' ancestors did battle with the Spanish, led by the famed commander Wild Tyler Johnson. As you wander these ancient grounds, prepare yourself for some hand-to-gland combat when you visit the Seminole War re-enactment past the old mill near Booger Man's corner. Stop by the locals' favorite seaside diner, Sailor Ned's, for a heaping bowl of homemade chowder. Work at your own speed as you enjoy the long rows of shops and get a taste of the town's favorite dessert, Fingers and Cream. Before the day is out, cap your night with a pale ale at Willie's Pub. If you're up for a quick visit, engage in a dishonorable discharge in the handicapped stall of the men's room, and then work up a foamy lather in their newly remodeled sinks!

2. Dry Prong, Louisiana

Explore the wilderness in the Deep South in this old town that was held in the palm of Union hands through much of the Civil War. Butter your corn as you dine in a private booth at Diamond's Grill in the renovated Schnack's Warehouse, where the chicken is choked twice each day (they even churn their own butter!). Stroll through the town square to the back of City Hall and meet Mr. Stickeykeys, the only mayor of Dry Prong since 1988. Spend your twilight enjoying the Longleaf Pine forests and drive past the nearby hardwoods entering Alexandria. She loves an audience.

3. Come by Chance, Newfoundland

Located on the Avalon Peninsula, Come by Chance exports more fish from its shores than half the eastern seaboard. Which half? We don't know. Watch as local villagers drill for oil near the North Atlantic Refining Company, which can handle 115,000 barrels in a single day, and doesn't employ women under 50. Due to the rich fishing economy, seafood has been banned from the Avalon Peninsula since the 1950s, but find yourself still within reach of maritime necessities, such as dolphin wax and two-toned trout sauce, at the local Purple General Store. All this and more makes Come by Chance one of the 10 best US cities to masturbate!

4. Left Hand, West Virginia

Shooting north of the Bible Belt, this West Virginia village boasts one of the most devoutly religious populations of the Midwest. At nearby Ohio Valley University, students are required to wrestle a stiff load that includes one Bible class each semester. Bishop Thomas, the faculty president, challenges the incoming students each year to his annual armwrestling copmetition, held discretely in the confines of his office, to see if the young ones have what it takes to "beat the Bishop." The spring semester is concluded when the student body performes its traditional performance of "Much Goo About Nothing."

5. Blue Ball, Pennsylvania.

Just a toss from Left Hand sits another must-see destination along the southern Pennsylvania border. As you stroll through this Amish town, you may find yourself in the back of one of the open furniture warehouses, varnishing the banister. Good deals can be reached on these custom-built crafts if you can find a shop that happens to be liquidating its inventory (you may have to exercise the negotiator to get the best deal, those Amish can be quite stingy). Make a trip during the holiday season and you could be spending your Christmas bonus on a brand new hand-made one-person love seat, just for you.

Rounding out the top ten:

Dripping Springs, Texas; Last Chance, Colorado; Protection, Kansas; Hell, Michigan; and Man I Love Jerking Off, North Carolina.

Free Crackers For Fitty, Act II

[In case you haven't read it, here's Act I]



Scene i: The Meeting
Setting: Miramax regional office building.

Fitty: [Walking through the lobby with Matt to the reception desk] Damn, this place is tight.

Matt: Yeah, it's alright.

Fitty: Why do people need a water fountain inside an office building? And look, there's not even any change in there.

Matt: [to receptionist] Hey there baby. I’m Matt. What’s your—[realizes the receptionist is not female, but actually a gay male bearing a striking resemblance to Doug from Trading Spaces] uh, we have a meeting with—

Receptionist: [somewhat annoyed that it’s Matt Leinart in front of him and not Brady Quinn] My name is Geoffrey.

Matt: Oh.

Fitty: [yelling] Can I throw change in this fountain?

Geoffrey: They’re expecting you. Room F, down [points limply, as if making a swan-like gesture with his arm, hand, and finger] that hall.

Matt: Thanks. [Heads down the hall] C'mon, Fitty.

Fitty: Damn, man I think he liked you. Maybe he could—

Matt: Shut up. Now, remember, don’t say shit. We’re just gonna listen, and then we’ll leave.

Fitty: And my free crackers are waiting for me on the other side of that conference room door?

Matt: For fuck’s sake, you’ll get your damn crackers. Just be cool, okay?

Fitty: Alright. So who the fuck is Lassie, anyway?

Matt: [stunned] Lassie? You don’t know Lassie?

Fitty: [stares blankly]

Matt: Lassie the dog? Lassie Come Home, all that shit?

Fitty: Like one of Mike Vick’s dogs? That one that Quan was betting on that last time we were over there?

Matt: No, man. He’s...she’s like a real dog. A collie. Climbs down wells and shit.

Fitty: A dog that can climb down a well? That’s some bullshit right there.

Matt: Look, never mind, just don’t ruin this for me [They walk in the room] Hey Harvey, sorry we’re late.

Miramax Guy: Thanks for coming, guys. We started without you, hope you don’t mind.

Matt: Nah, that’s cool.

Miramax Guy: Have a seat. We’re just brainstorming for concepts. Okay, people, let’s get some more ideas flowing.

[Fitty slowly looks around the room as he sits down]

Guy with Goatee: What if Lassie was coked up on heroin?

Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian: How about Lassie in high school, and the other girls are just bitches to her. But then maybe she has a friend that she meets, like that girl from Terribithia or some shit.

46-Year-Old Guy With Earring: And then Queen Latifah drives them around in a cab!

Fitty: [whispering to Matt] There are no crackers in this room.

Matt: [whispering back] There's some vegetables on that tray in the corner over there.

Fitty: I see the tray of vegetables, Matt. I also see some oatmeal raisin cookies that I'm sure are delicious.

Matt: I'm sure they are.

Fitty: And I will enjoy them momentarily, because I know that those items will kickstart my bowels in preparation for your punishment of welshing on one promise of free crackers to Mr. Fitzgerald.

Washed-Up Comedian: Maybe the dog finds out that it’s gay and starts humping other dogs in the neighborhood and, um, you know, making them gay or something. Then they all learn how to ride motorcycles and, I don’t know, start their own little doggie faggot biker gang or something.

Miramax Guy: [staring at the floor, shaking his head] Louie, we do not use that word in this room.

Washed-Up Comedian: Sorry.

Miramax Guy: They’re a club, not a gang.

Emo Guy: I don’t see how that sends a good message about the environment.

Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian: Or the homeless!

Washed-Up Comedian: Your mom’s homeless!

[room erupts into shouting]

Joe Mantegna: Fellas, fellas. [Room quiets down] I am hearing some great ideas here! But also, I am hearing some ideas that couldn’t outlast a piece of dog shit on a popsicle stick on a sunny day. This is not a Hilary Swank vehicle. This is Lassie. Lassie is a female collie, a dog. Okay? It’s a dog. It’s not Queer Eye for the Terminator. Are we clear on this, everyone?

Fitty: [whispering angrily to Matt] When we get outta here, I am gonna open the sunroof of your vehicle and let the warm air from the interior dissipate into the atmosphere. I will then climb onto the roof of your ride and drop the trousers of justice and unleash a methane-laced helping of truth onto your seats, emergency brake, and cup holders. Such is the penance for--

Matt: [whispering back] You are not shitting through the sunroof of my Hummer!

Fitty: It will be a cacophony of dank chocolate pyrotechnics, all beyond your control. And then after my bowels are empty, I will then close the sunroof and let nature do its thing.

Matt: That's it. Gimme my keys back.

Emo Guy: Maybe Lassie could be the first female president?

Washed-Up Comedian: Yeah, the Taco Bell dog could be her running mate.

Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian: How about Lassie in high school, and the other girls are just bitches to her. But then maybe she has a friend that she meets, like that girl from Teribithia or some shit.

Guy With Goatee: And then Queen Latifah drives them around in a cab!

Joe Mantegna: So what if Lassie winds up in China and she has to break into the restaurants there and save the other dogs. And they learn Kung-Fu. David Carridine might be interested.

Emo Guy: Instead of just getting spayed, could we have the dog get a sex change operation and then she has to rediscover himself through a series of personal trials?

Fitty: [stands up] Hang on, what about this? Suppose Lassie could be living in the northern United States, where she held a small but prestigious position as ballboy for the Minnesota Vikings, after which she makes the cover of a popular video game and then heads out on a summer-long quest for crispy, grain-based treats.

Guy With Goatee: …and then what?

Fitty: Uh…and then she flies into wells to collect change…and then, uh…into outer space! And there she merges with four other dogs of different colors to create a colossal superdog that fights paramilitary mutants, witches, and non-biodegradable litter in order to restore peace and harmony to the universe and shit.

[stunned silence for, like, 30 seconds]

Guy With Goatee: Wow.

Joe Mantegna: Wow.

Washed-Up Comedian: Wow.

Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian: Fine, as long as the superdog doesn’t vote Republican.

Miramax Guy: This is the best concept we’ve had in three weeks.

46-Year-Old Guy With Earring: We could have Dudley Moore narrate--

Washed-Up Comedian: And Kenny Loggins could write the soundtrack!

Miramax Guy: He can’t narrate the film; he’s dead.

Washed-Up Comedian: Kenny Loggins is dead?

Miramax Guy: Larry, who would you pick to direct this sure-to-be epic picture?

Fitty: I dunno.

Miramax Guy: Well, let’s get some more of your thoughts now then. Let’s get some snacks, everyone. [Speaking into the intercom] Geoffrey, can we get some crackers in Room F, please?

Fitty: That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Free Crackers For Fitty, Act I

Scene i: The Drive.
Setting: Matt Leinart's Hummer

Matt Leinart: Yeah, so thanks for coming out with me, Fitty. Are you enjoying the interior of my new Hummer?

Larry Fitzgerald: S’all good, Matt. Thanks for inviting me along for the free crackers. Holy shit, I love crackers. ‘Specially free crackers.

Matt: Heh, yeah.

Fitty: …There are gonna be some free crackers where we goin, right?

Matt: Yeah, man. Free crackers, it’s a done deal.

Fitty: The uneasiness in your voice disturbs me. And where are we going?

Matt: I told you where we were going.

Fitty: No, you didn’t. You just drove up my driveway with the words FREE CRACKERS painted on the side of your new Hummer, knowing full well that I would jump into your well-upholstered vehicle to accompany you without hesitation, which I did.

Matt: Right.

Fitty: But I should have you know, good sir, I consider any insinuation of free crackers to be sincere, and therefore binding. Should you fail to deliver on your promise in a timely fashion, you shall draw the wrath of Mr. Fitzgerald.

Matt: Lemme just call my agent on the hands-free and, uh, make sure the crackers are there. [dials, phone rings]

Fitty: There where? Where the fuck are we going?

Tom: [on the phone] This is Tom.

Matt: Tom, it’s Matt, I’m on my way to that meeting with the Miramax people, but…

Tom: Spit it out, Matt. I got a couple-a Venezualan broads armwrestling over here to see who’s gonna blow me first, and they are not a patient people. Out with it.

Matt: I gotta be honest man, this fucking movie bullshit, I’m not really feeling it.

Tom [Matt’s agent]: Then I’m glad you called. I know you’re concerned, it’s a significant potential investment, but you don’t need to sweat it, Miramax and I have talked it over, this new movie is gonna reignite the whole shitlovin’ franchise. Wait, listen, you hear that? That’s the sound of 20-dollar bills being printed for you to wipe your ass with. It’s a win-win, Matty. Guaranteed.

Fitty: Miramax? What the—

Matt: Tom, I don’t want to be a Negative Nancy about this, but, a new Lassie movie? Really?

Tom: Matty, simmer down, my man. Put on your ballroom dancing cap and think about the economics of the thing.

Matt: Uh, okay.

Tom: Family movie. The whole family’s going to see this thing. Kids wanna see Lassie, so mom and dad gotta see Lassie. But those spoiled little shits don’t stop there, they gotta pester the parents at Wal-Mart to buy all these shitty toys that get released along with the movie. But they gotta get the ball rolling, they need money to film the shit. Some of the usual guys haven’t come through, and, uh, they’re gonna share the pie with the new backers, you know, with you guys.

Fitty: This is about money?

Tom: Whadya say, Matty?

Matt: I said…if the movie’s gonna be so tits, how come they’re still looking for money?

Tom: Matty, c’mon baby, who ya talkin’ to? Have I ever given you bad advice?

Matt: Maybe that flight attendant you set me up with at the Madden party last year?

Tom: Hey, she didn’t have chlamydia when I fucked her.

Matt: Oh, that’s great.

Tom: Matty, c’mon baby. Listen, these Miramax guys, they don’t forget the people that come through for them. So maybe down the road when your career goes all Kurt Warner and whatnot, we get Jeff over in media to ghostwrite a couple of your books, we go back to Miramax, they’re looking at a new movie, all about you, and you’re getting all this just for cashing in on this Lassie business. Matty, with these guys, one hand—

Matt: Look, I got Fitty in the car with me, so I gotta go.

Tom: Alright. I’ll be in Cayman tomorrow through next week, so reach me there. Tell Fitty he can reach me there, too.

Matt: Cool, man. [click] What a douche.

Fitty: I did not hear the topic of Mr. Fitzgerald’s crackers addressed during that conversation. Matty.

Matt: Look, dude. Let’s just go to this—

Fitty: Nah nah nah man, FUCK THAT SHIT. What the fuck does he mean “back it,” like giving them money, in lieu of the crackers that were promised to me? Like those crazy bitches are getting Dime One of my shit for some Lassie movie. That’s my stash, man. I repeat: fuck that shit. Matty. I just came for the free crackers. Matty.

Matt: C’mon man, be cool. You heard him, this could be a big deal for me. Let’s just hear them out.

Fitty: Where the fuck are my free crackers? Matty?

Matt: Stop calling me Matty, you cock!

Fitty: Yeah, you just missed the turn right there.

Matt: What? This printout says another point-three miles.

Fitty: The fucking sign was right there! You’ve got that shitass Google Maps, ain’t no fuckin point-three miles you stupid fucking—

Matt: ALRIGHT I’M FUCKING TURNING AROUND! Fucking shit! And stop calling me Matty or I’m gonna tell Anquan that we went someplace without him!

Fitty: ...Nah, we straight.

Matt: Okay [Matt parks, gets out of the car] So we just go in and listen, and if we like the ideas they have for the movie, then we can offer to back it, or we can—are you getting out of the car?

Fitty: [muffled through the window] I ain’t givin’ no money, man. I just came for the free crackers.

Matt: Look, we’re just going in to listen, okay? You don’t even have to say anything. I know some of these people, they’re counting on me and--let’s just do this. I am sure they have some crackers in there.

Fitty: [gets out of the car] Gimme your keys [Matt gives him his keys]. If they don’t have crackers in there, I’m gonna pour grape juice on your new upholstery. And then I’m gonna shit on it.

Tomorrow: Act II