Monday, August 21, 2006

Why Can't They Just Die in Tragic Accidents?

NFL greats have it easy. Once they hang up the cleats, if they can remotely demonstrate the ability to look at a camera and speak, they can become commentators (Michael Irvin, Jerome Bettis, etc.). They can run for office (Steve Largent, Lynn Swann). They can appear embarrassingly out of shape in FedEx ads (Joe Montana). They can bask in the glow of forever being a hometown hero and own a bunch of local car dealerships (John Elway). All they have to do is have a couple ounces of sense and an agent who isn't Drew Rosenhaus, and they're set for life.

Unfortunately, a new wave of NFL greats seems determined to hold on too tightly. Nevermind Emmitt Smith's embarrassing final days as an Arizona Cardinal; what's truly unforgivable is his upcoming turn on the newest season of "Dancing with the Washed-Up Losers." Marshall Faulk/Priest Holmes is holding on to dreams of returning to the Rams/Chiefs, even as the Rams/Chiefs move on with Steven Jackson/Larry Johnson. And don't even get us started on Brett Favre.

But there is a king of all jackasses who won't let go. Saturday, from ESPN:

The San Francisco 49ers announced Saturday that [Jerry] Rice, the NFL's all-time leading receiver, will sign a contract with the club Thursday and retire for good in November as a member of the team with which he spent his first 16 seasons. The 49ers said in a statement that Rice officially will retire Nov. 19... San Francisco will honor Rice during a halftime ceremony with a video montage, and the future Hall of Famer subsequently will give a speech.
No. Fuck that. You get one retirement, okay? That goes for everybody -- I'm looking at you, Junior "Maybe my agent should call other teams before I retire" Seau. If you wanted to retire with the 49ers, then you should have re-structured your contract to play for less money in San Francisco in 2000 instead of signing with the team's cross-bay rival. And you sure as hell shouldn't have signed with the Seahawks, where your washed-up ass wore Steve Largent's retired #80. And yeah, that goes for your training camp dalliance with the Broncos, too. And while you're at it, you can go to hell for opening the "Dancing with the Stars" door for Emmitt Smith's gigantic forehead.

Jerry Rice won three Super Bowls, winning an MVP award in one of them. He went to thirteen Pro Bowls. He is the greatest to ever play his position, and he will undoubtedly be the most prominent figure in his Canton class when he becomes a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Once that happens, the 49ers will have a nice ceremony for him to retire his number. So it's not like he doesn't have things to look forward to.

Is it really so cold out of the spotlight, Jerry? Is your pride worth an extra round of applause?

Let. Go. Let the fuck go. Letgoletgoletgoletgo.


Big Daddy Drew said...

if they can remotely demonstrate the ability to look at a camera and speak

Or even if they can't.

The Last Unitard said...

Tino Martinez.

Anonymous said...

Nothing... but nothing is more hammer-to-the-nuts excruciating to watch that Dan Marino's Nutri System commercials. He turned down an executive position with the Dolphins so he could ask bloated 50-somethings how their love life is going? "I'm at my playing weight again!" You know what, Dan... fuck you. You should know better.

Blake-to-Banks said...

Jerry Rice came to my college trying to peddle his chewable vitamins. They tasted like shit and probably had no nutritional value. I live in Chicago, so you could buy and have him autograph any package of either the Raiders, 49ers, Bears, or Cubs.

I was so mad about the idea of him autographing Cubs stuff that I lied to him when I met him.

Mr. Rice, you're the best.
Thank you.
Oh man. When we used to play Tecmo Bowl on Nintendo, we used to ban being the 49ers, because if you caught the ball, no one could tackle you, and it wasn't fair.
Ha! I hear that all the time, one of the best games ever, man. That just made my day.

Of course, nobody banned the 49ers. We banned the Raiders, because of Bo Jackson. Am I a bad person for lying to the greatest wide receiver of all time, or did he have it coming?

The Last Unitard said...

Being the greatest of all time probably leaves you sensitive to criticism, so you probably did the right thing.

That's why nobody told him not to go ballroom dancing on TV. Couldn't stand to hurt the guy's feelings.

When I was in 5th grade, I got suckered out of my Tecmo Bowl. Not one of my finer moments.

Unsilent Majority said...

"Am I a bad person for lying to the greatest wide receiver of all time, or did he have it coming?"

when did you lie to larry fitzgerald???

Anonymous said...

Larry FitzG???

Golden Fucking Richards, bro!!!

Anonymous said...

Michael Irvin is without-a-doubt the worst. Please, sip some everclear with that meth and OD already.

Anonymous said...

Jerry Rice came to my college trying to peddle his chewable vitamins. They tasted like shit and probably had no nutritional value.

You actually tried them? I have no words for that.

As a side note about Michael Irvin, they'd probably replace him with Stephen A. Smith. I'll gladly suffer the Irvin so that I don't have to listen to Stephen "At the End of the Day" Smith.

Otto Man said...

I say we force Rice into a real retirement, or guarantee that when he goes into the Hall of Fame, his bust is modeled on his Raiders days -- the badly receding hairline with the shitty dreadlocks.

That look forever answered the question, "What would Gallagher have looked like as a black man?"

Anonymous said...

Oh man, you owe me a new [noun -- usually computer related] because I just spit [noun] all over it!

Mr. B. said...

Jerry, don't listen to these guys. You just keep on keepin' on. You'll always be a star.


Evander Holyfield

thope said...

Vince Papale. Although methinks he's a special case cause he was never a star, ever. But he is currently in a horrific Jefferson Hospital commercial on Philly TV, where he discusses his colon cancer.

Sidenote: CC, that Seahawks post fucking blew my mind. It's all I can do not to make 'the sundeck is not load-bearing' references right now.

Captain Caveman said...

Hey, I said I was only going to be positive for one post.

Anonymous said...

CC, ok first you watch a Lance Bass movie and take friggin notes, then you're watching this dance tripe, stop trying to hang on to heterosexuality.

"Let. Go. Let the fuck go. Letgoletgoletgoletgo"

Captain Caveman said...

Anonymous: If you don't get jokes, why do you read these blogs?

Anonymous said...

Sorry I was under the impression that jokes were supposed to be funny.

Captain Caveman said...

You're right, Anonymous commenter. Why don't you send me a link to your work, so I can learn how to do right?

Anonymous said...

Let. Go. Let the fuck go. Letgoletgoletgoletgo.

Otto Man said...

I'm watching the press conference now, and it's sad. He went from hawking his free agent reality show, begging every network out there for a chance, to insisting he's not retired. He's working harder than ever, people!

And he's doing it all in a leisure suit and butterfly collar. Sweet.

He did promise "not to pull a Junio Seau -- it's official."