Monday, August 14, 2006

Sunday Night Roundtable with KSK

Tonight we offer you, the KSK reader, the opportunity to get into our collective heads. If you've ever asked what it's like to carry on a constant conversation with fellow bloggers while watching a crappy yet humorous game of Sunday Night Football then here's your answer...

MMP: Sup, it's MMP

UM: Chillin’, waiting for the Chinese food

MMP: Joe Gibbs having headset issues

MMP: Getting pizza here, chilling with We Must Protect This Hoff

UM: I just switched over to NBC, I was caught up in The Amazing Panda Adventure on Telemundo

MMP: NFC East is a jump ball, says Madden. The Redskins need to
work on their power hitting, three-pt shooting, and their power play

MMP: I think the field is on fire

MMP: Those pandas are bad-ass!

UM: Carson Palmer looks like the Pope dressed in all white...beautiful

MMP: He is the savior

MMP: I am making an effort to spell and punctuate correctly the first time. We'll see how that lasts.

UM: Fuck thet shit

***The Redskins are ready for action, here's your first play***

MMP: Portis drags half the Bengals for 8 yards. No one on D was arrested

UM: Clinton Portis cannot be stopped, or contained for that matter

UM: Dyno-mite. My Skins look sharp

MMP: They are crisp

UM: It's the white on white uni's...they’ve been using Mr. Sparkle.

MMP: Yeah, I don't like the burgundy pants either.

***Captain Caveman has entered the chat***

***Brandon Lloyd lays out to catch an overthrown ball from Brunell***

CC: That Lloyd catch was the balls

UM: Brandon Lloyd may or may not be Superman.

MMP: hamster in the TP tube says thumbs down as well

UM: Seriously people, watch out for Mike Sellers, he's an ex coke dealer who can carry a bus on his back.

***Brunell floats up a misguided pass and watches it fall into the hands of the defense. Clinton Portis makes a great tackle on the return but he took the worst of it.***

CC: I can't believe they didn't give us a replay of the shot Portis delivered there

UM: I know, fucking Peacock

CC: They're definately working out kinks -- what was up w/ that herky-jerk sideline shot?

UM: I think they're smoking crack in the NBC production trailer

UM: If Brunnel throws off his back foot one more time I'm going to chop it off

MMP: Nice INT. Sweet ass hit on the return.

UM: If Portis is really hurt I'm going to jump off of a large building

***Cincy takes control on offense very briefly***

UM: The Skins defense swarms like ill-tempered bees

UM: I hope Boobie Miles is getting some cash out of this Friday Night Lights debacle

UM: Anthony Wright is going to end up smelling like Marcus Washington by the end of the night

UM: I can't believe we're less than a month away from Diddy's kickoff concert...I can hardly contain myself

***New Redskins backup, Todd Collins, throws a screen pass into the line. Interception***


CC: It takes a special kind of QB to throw an INT to a D-lineman, usually it's just Aaron brooks

CC: Todd Collins, I think that's a drink

UM: I'm fairly sure Todd Collins took the short bus to tonight's game

UM: Wait a minute...Chris Henry just caught a pass, who let him out of lockdown?

CC: As long as the skins keep turning it over outside of FG range, this should be a pretty exciting scoreless tie

***Anthony Wright takes another pounding in the pocket***

UM: I think Anthony Wright just shit his pants...nice spin move from Marcus

MMP: It was like hitting the circle button in NHL '05

***While trying to avoid a safety Collins throws another ball at his favorite lineman. The ruling is Intentional Grounding in the Endzone...2-0 to the 'Nati***

UM: Todd Collins has driven me to drug use

CC: like he couldn't decide between getting a safety or throwing another INT to a lineman

UM: Holy crap, he’s such a dipshit

UM: Well somebody had to score

CC: I desperately want this to be the final score

MMP: Todd Collins, Sour mix and bathtub gin?

CC: Skins should've signed KERRY Collins

UM: No way, we still have at least three Campbell to Espy td's coming in the second half

CC: I'm SO getting the fuck out of this chat before then

MMP: loving the Chad Johnson mohawk

UM: His head should be in a museum, it’s a work of art.

MMP: Hoff: he's channeling Viscera and the gold grill

***Marvin Lewis cracks open the playbook with a perfect flea flicker to TJ Whosyourdaddy***

MMP: Flea flicker!!

UM: Trickeration from Anthony Wright?

CC: TJ and Berman just wet themselves

UM: Housh just got run down by a white boy...deceptive baby

MMP: His last name was weighing him down

CC: He's tired from running from the police

CC: "Let's got to Cris... what's it like to not rate being the booth?"

UM: If there were a God in heaven he would send a lighting bolt to Cris Collinsworth's microphone

CC: Cris has got a lot more volume in hair than last season -- you think he changed shampoos?

MMP: His mousse budget got a boost, NBC put it in his deal

UM: His hair seems to be running full speed from his forehead

***Another Redskins player is down and he's not getting up...can you say MCL?***

MMP: Is the game still going on?

UM: Ah fuck

CC: How long can it be 2nd and goal?

MMP: They're trying the new 25-minute play clock...

UM: Clemons was wearing a cast before they even picked him up...bad news bears

CC: We're on track for 8 Redskins injuries by the end of the game

***Chris Henry begins the redemption process by hauling in a touchdown from Wright***

MMP: touchdown

UM: Now I'm pissed

MMP: Chris Henry


MMP: He has the right to score touchdowns, any play he makes will be used against his opponents

UM: do you think he crossed himself and gave props to Jesus after each arrest?

CC: First time he's scored in the presence of adults since last season

MMP: I know it

UM: ouch

CC: Did he change his # to 15 honor of his girlfriend?

MMP: nice

MMP: 15 to life

MMP: Andrea Kremer looks like shit

UM: Andrea Kremer just looks annoying...I think she's a wrinkly manequin

CC: took the words out of my mouth MMP

CC: Who did her hair?

UM: Josh Blue

CC: Robert Smith?

CC: The maggot-ridden corpse of Ray Charles?

UM: Nice handoff Todd, next time he throws a pass i bet it gets picked off by Marvin Lewis

***Peyton Manning debuts his new words...should have sent a poet***


CC : I'm looking forward to 5 months of this commercial… and I'm not kidding

CC: Straight off the set of the Beasties' Sabotage video

UM: I bet his boyfriend hates it

UM: Dan Snyder has an oak lined closet for all of his burgundy and gold neckties

CC: Ron Burgundy neckties? Does it smell of mahogany?

UM: No, Mugatu neckties...piano keys baby!

CC: I invented over-spending for aging free agents!!!

UM: I'd die for The Dan…figuratively

***A potential second td for Chris ends up with a Pass Interference penalty***

CC: The receiver got mauled there like a Bengal tiger

UM: Chris Henry is having a breakout game, perhaps they'll write him into Prison Break

UM: But does he Walk Like an Egyptian?

CC: Flea-flicker, no-huddle... does Cincy know this isn't for a playoff berth?

UM: It's Anythony Wright 101 baby

UM: mmm Ketel is my friend, he doesn't throw the ball at defensive linemen or fuck up his shoulder trying to tackle a DB

CC: I'm gonna need beer to get through the rest of this game

UM: A Caveman without a drink is no Caveman of mine

CC: I hate the preseason

CC: MMP is right on w/ the handjob analogy, it's a month-long cocktease

***Standard camera shots of shitty midwest "food"***

UM: John Madden may have an eating disorder, we should investigateAl is such an enabler

CC: That chili looked fucking good, all it needed was some brats and a side of fried Snickers bars dipped in beer batter.

UM: It looks like it seeped out of Madden's ass

CC: God, how is Madden's heart still beating?

UM: It's not, he's got one of those Dick Cheney bionic hearts that NASA isn't supposed to talk about

CC: It's like the Midwest's version of Keith Richards' immune system

UM: Or Monty Burns with Three Stooges Syndrome

CC: All right I'm going for beer; I can't take this shit any more

MMP: Espy with a big catch

UM: Mike Espy's first catch...he's making this team, I love the guy

UM: Lets make a bet on what kind of beer caveman comes home with

CC: I'm back, what are your guesses?

UM: High Life

CC: mmp?

UM: I think he's rubbing pizza on his crotch again

CC: you're close, UM, I went with Coors Light tallboys

UM: pussy

CC: Not my fault, I went to the beer section and got covered in snow as a train sped past

UM: Pete Coors does unholy things in the fermentation tanks, sick sick stuff

CC: That's flavor country, hearty Republican goodness

MMP: Coors Light rocks, Red state beer kicks ass

CC: I didn't drink it during his senate race, if it makes you feel better, UM

UM: I’m all about Shaun Mondavi wines…pure class

CC: Great Odin's raven does Anthony Wright suck

CC: Haha, floating under the influence, you slay me Al

UM: I can't believe he turned down The Late Show

CC: K. CARTER plays for the Redskins??? Ki-Jana's back?

UM: He's bussing tables in the cafetorium

CC: Can his knee handle that?

UM: It better, he ain't got no health insurance

MMP: He has no health

UM: Fuck James Thrash, he's just taking Espy's balls

CC: It's so weird to imagine a world where I don't associate "Espy" with sucking

***Man down...MEDIC! Legendary trainer Bubba Tyer is the Redskins first half MVP***

MMP: This Carter injury looks like a break, too.

UM: The Redskins backup offensive line was picked up this morning from a Cincinatti area Home Depot

UM: Can they fit two people in an MRI machine?

MMP: Jack, it's Cincinnati

MMP: 3 n’s, 1 t

UM: Spelling is so overrated

CC: Sounds like something about your Arizona education stuck

UM: I went to Pitt too

CC: Oh well THAT makes a world of difference

MMP: Wow, well-traveled

UM: I like college basketball not college

UM: and we're on the board...if Hall had missed that kick i would be crying

CC: Oh, like preseason matters. all that matters to the Skins is keeping Brunell's gray beard intact

CC: Guh, can they replace the second half with highlights from last year?

UM: I can watch those Moss catches against Dallas for hours...Roy Williams is not very fast

CC: That was an AWESOME game , i hate the Cowboys

UM: Dan Snyder managed to avoid a torn ACL while jumping in that's good

CC: Somebody tell Madden that "audible-ize" isn't a word

UM: If you try to correct Madden he eats your arm

CC: Him chewing on my arm wouldn't affect his speech pattern

UM: Those poor people in Permian are really being trivialized by this stupid fucking show.

UM: Halftime is a double stuffed Oreo!

CC: I would love to see Bettis stabbed on live TV by a Bengals fan…or a Bengal, more likely, I guess

UM: Somebody would have to call the hotline

CC: hahaha

UM: Christian Morton, not a jew

CC: WOOOO more punting!!!

CC: "A separation is, you know, when you get a separation..."…Thanks John

UM: Apparently Eli Cash is our new return man. I hope he's gotten that monkey off his back

***Todd Collins completes a dump off pass***

CC: Was the two-yard out Todd's 1st option on 3rd and 10?

UM: At least it didn't hit any linemen this time

UM: At halftime the Redskins are going to trade Cederic Killings to the Bengals...just because

CC: MMP, stop whacking off with pizza grease and start sharing wisdom about the bengals' third team

UM: I think he's taking the bull by the hornsor reading the dictionary

MMP: No, I'm in the midst of stuff happening

MMP: That brooks kid looks awesome

CC: Are you confusing anthony wright with aaron brroks?

MMP: No, the LB from UVAforget his first name

UM : Defendant

UM: Who wants to liveblog Entourage?

CC: Sure, if you've got some mechanical pencils I can stick in my eyes

UM: Wow, Reggie Bush looks nasty; these are the first highlights I’ve seen

UM: PETER KING IS COMING UP NEXT! I wonder if we'll get a shout out

CC: If not us, then at least he could say hi to Mary Beth

UM: Apparently NBC is going in the opposite direction of CBS, they have 15 people with mics

CC: Maybe I can get one by season's end

UM: Peter King says Seau is a first ballot Hall of Famer. Does Seau have a winery? Is there some other way to bribe an SI writer?

CC: No, but he took him deep-sea fishing

CC: Peter King also said that teams will have to deal with VY for one series per half

UM: Are 30 Rock and Studio 60 the same show? Will they have some kind of Tupac/Biggie feuds?

CC: It IS east coast-west coast

CC: Re: Titans -- how will teams deal with Billy Volek is the real question

CC: That guy is a pure pocket passer

UM: I think Lendale White shanked Vince Young in the trainer's room last night

CC: After spitting on another teammate?

CC: MMP! Paper! Now!

UM: Doug Johnson is in the league? I guess Shane Mathews should be expecting a phone call

CC: He used one word: "It was awful."

CC: Uhh, Andrea, my math's not that great, but...

UM: Yeah but he said ‘em all real fast like


UM: Seriously, it's like being in a booth with Theisman

CC: That guy just won't stop, huh?

UM: Just like Diddy!

CC: Wow, Sykes got a sack. That's the first time a one-armed man has ever done that. Yes, I remember The Fugitive that well

UM: He's got a vicious prosthetic

CC: I know I'm the 2 millionth person to say this, but those ref uniforms really do suck

UM: They should have hired Ralph Lauren

CC: If the Seahawks and Bengals play in the SB with refs in those unis, it may go down as the worst-uniformed championship of all time

UM: No doubt about it, what's with that stupid fuckin neon green piping all about?

CC: Dude, I don't know

CC: But I LOVE it

CC: I don't care what color they wear as long as they win

UM: They aren't winning shit

UM: Rocky McIntosh has finally made his presence known. Hoorah

CC: MMP, if you're gay, continue to say nothing at all

UM: Maybe Falco kidnapped him

CC: Seriously

UM: super cereal

UM: Andrea Kremer seems to have spent halftime in a wind tunnel

CC: By the end of the game she's going to look like Nolte's mug shot

UM: That might be an upgrade

UM: The Bengal logo at midfield looks like he's being analy violated

UM: Rocky looks like an immediate starter

UM: I think NBC's fall lineup was put together by the makers of Bad Idea Jeans

UM: Campbell to Espy...get used to that

CC: Yeah, two years from now

UM: I want to have Campbell's babies

CC: Dude, Tom Brady is WAY better-looking

UM: Apparently buried Jeeves in a shallow dessert grave

CC: They were alienating the all-important butler demographic

UM: Clinton's back and he's stylin’ in that shirt

CC: I think I'm out of here after the Chad Johnson interview

UM: I'll talk to myself...i'm used to it

UM: The NFL hates comedy. perhaps comedy raped the NFL's mother

***Reserve wide receiver Kelly Washington hauls in a touchdown and proceeds to dance ***

UM: Kelly Washington can flat out dance

CC: That was a sweet TD dance

UM: Chad Johnson needs to be a Redskin, he and Portis would rule the world

CC: The look he gave Kremer was priceless, "C'mon, you know better than that"

UM He's got great instincts on camera

CC: I leave it to you, MMP, Falco, and Abraham Lincoln

UM: Ahmad Brooks was just juked out of his boots, maybe he should start smoking pot again

UM: Now playing on my iTunes, Dancing With Myself

UM: Apparently Domata Peko is half lion

UM: Breaking News: Bengal fans dislike Jerome Bettis who is from Detroit

UM: Madden's got two bills on Bettis easy

***The game has gone into a fourth quarter festival of boredom***

UM: Well I think we're pretty close to wrapping up this chat session. I'd like to thank Mr. Chen's Organic Chinese for catering the event. On behalf of my friends Mos Def and Elvis Costello I bid you farewell from the Unsilent Mansion…It's even bigger than the Sports Guy's!

UPDATE: Here's some video...Lloyd just landed


Rob I said...

Great live blog, but where was your buddy House?

Unsilent Majority said...

didn't you hear? he got his own tv show on fox

Basshole said...

What did happen to Footsteps Falco?

Anonymous said...

WTF????? Was that like a transcipt of a gay sex orgy???

CC, are you a 13yr old white girl from Beverly Hills?? Who the fuck says shit like "I'm SO not going to......." I thought you were in the military WTF??? Did you SO serve in Iraq?? Was it really hot sometimes and you SO had to find shade???? Did you SO get your nuts removed recently??? Man up boy, realmen don't say SO in the perverse way white chicks said LIKE in the 90's.

You guys are homos, and this site is GAY!!

Captain Caveman said...

Anon: Better head to the shop to get that irony detector fixed.

Unsilent Majority said...

that sure had a lot of question marks

Anonymous said...

Best part of "lame duck" status at the office is feeling no guilt after reading this. Thanks, UM, for the Mr. Chen's shout out -- moved out of their delivery area in May and miss it.

BoSox Siobhan said...

i lurve Mr. Chen's. Think I'm gonna order it tonight.

Mr. B. said...

On behalf of NBC and the NFL, I'm giving you the expressed written consent to use whatever clips you'd like.

No need to thank me. It's what I do.

Unsilent Majority said...

Unsilent likes his kung pao spicy

Mr. B. said...

Peter o, I agree completely
[clubs baby seal]

Unsilent Majority said...

but how do you feel about tape delayed blogging?

Mr. B. said...

On a side note, I'm happy that Cedric the Entertainer let Fred Smoot borrow his voice for tonight's game.

Unsilent Majority said...

mike huff has the funniest voice i've ever heard

Mr. B. said...

Sorry UM, but I direct your attention to a fellow member of the tribe...Jackie Mason. Avery Johnson's up there as well.

jubrand said...

Next time you guys post a video, how about a "TCCSSC" warning? That would stand for: "This Clip Contains Stewart Scott Commentary"


Otto Man said...

Beautifully done. And I'm thrilled to see that you boys share my opinion of Madden's assclownery. I somehow find him to be both tragic and hilarious at the same time, like the suicide of a clown.

Mark said...

Its bad enough all the newtorks seem to feel the need to have women as their sideline reporters but damn! At least get someone who doesn't look like your grandmother, and can ask a player a question without getting prompted from her earpiece!zkx