Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Romance on the Hardwood Gridiron

A lot of us look at the photo below and see two burly, capable quarterbacks, men of questionable intellect but unlimited passion. We see this photo and we grasp for the first joke that comes to mind: "Well, Ben's a step up from Brenda, and Kurt's a step up from Steeler groupies."

Not satisfied with the obvious joke, J.E. Skeets of The Basketball Jones, author of the "Romance on the Hardwood" series, sees the kind of awkward meeting that unrequited love produces. Please welcome KSK's first-ever guest columnist, J.E. Skeets.

“Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden.

Ben: Oooooo … I love this song.
Kurt: Mm, one of Garden’s best.
Ben: Oh, definitely.
Kurt: Yeah.
Ben: Without a doubt.
Kurt: Yeah.

Kurt: So …
Ben: So …
Kurt: So … let me have a look at you then. You okay?
Ben: Me? Yeah, fine. Never felt better.
Kurt: Have you thanked Him yet?
Ben: Who?
Kurt: God. You know God was riding with you that day, right?
Ben: Oh, yeah, for sure. Actually, He’s the real reason I crashed. Shifty Bastard wouldn’t stop tickling me from behi--
Kurt: Please.
Ben: I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

Kurt: Well, you’re very lucky to be alive, Banjo. You should thank Him sometime.
Ben: Wow, Banjo? I haven’t heard that in a while.
Kurt: Oh, I remember…
Ben: Was that the time we went up to Lake Guilford for the weekend?
Kurt: It is.
Ben: But what was it again? Were we picnicking or something?
Kurt: Yeah, we were picnicking and that old man with the banjo came up behind us, just strummin’ away like crazy, and you, you just thought that ol’ banjo was the most beautiful instrument you had ever heard.
Ben: Is that where it’s from? That’s sort of weird.
Kurt: And we were eating salmon sandwiches.
Ben: Wow.
Kurt: I remember that because you just wouldn’t stop going on about how amazing that olive and onion relish I made tasted.
Ben: Yeah, okay … wow, how you remember that?
Kurt: The best times of your life aren’t easy to forget, Ben.
Ben: Mm, yeah, it was pretty good. Good times.

Kurt: I want to bathe with you in the sea.
Ben: Excuse me?
Kurt: Oh, ha, sorry. The lyrics: I want to stand with you on a mountain; I want to bathe with you in the sea…
Ben: Oh, right.

[Awkward silence]

Kurt: Was that weird?
Ben: Was what weird?
Kurt: That, right there. You know, when I said I wanted to bathe with you in the sea because I started think--
Ben: Yeah, yeah … no, it’s cool. You were just singing the song, right?
Kurt: Well…
Ben: Oh come on Kurt, can we not just leave it alone? It was a good weekend; nothing more, nothing less.
Kurt: A good weekend?
Ben: Yeah, a good weekend. Look, we had some beers, shared a few laughs – two dudes just hanging out camping.
Kurt: Bathing each other...
Ben: For Christ’s sake Kurt!
Kurt: Hey! You will not take the Lord’s name in vain!
Ben: Easy, easy. I’m sorry.
Kurt: Apologize to Him.
Ben: I said I’m sorry.
Kurt: Say it to Him, not me.
Ben: I just did.
Kurt: Say it to the sky.
Ben: What? No.
Ben: Whoa, would you settle the fuck down? Jeeees--
Kurt: Go ahead. Do it.
Ben: I didn’t say it!
Kurt: No, no, no … you want to. Go ahead. Say it.
Ben: Hahaha…
Kurt: Well?
Ben: Jesus Christ.
Kurt: That’s it, I’m gone. Goodbye.
Ben: Kurt, I’m kidding. Hahaha... Where are you going?

Kurt: Um, I don’t know how you plan on getting there, but if you take your bike, may I suggest you wear a helmet this time. Rumor has it Hell’s roads are a bitch.
Ben: Kurt, come back. I was just kidding. I love God. He’s neat.


Paul said...

Great stuff. I always thought Brenda was a beard.

Joey D said...

Actually, judging by that picture and the expression on Roethlisberger's face, I think the conversation was much shorter...

Kurt: See? I told you I could touch my right eye with my lizard-tongue...

Anonymous said...

this is so funny that it's kinda creepy

mutoni said...

skeets---we are not worthy

mutoni said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Becky said...

That is just glorious.

I'm guessing little Kurt made an appearance against Ben's thigh to elicit that kind of wide eyed response.

MoonshineMike said...

Is that a wrist pad in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

JoSCh said...

If they hook up do you think they will be called Bennikurt by the paparazzi?

PostmanE said...


Unsilent Majority said...

there's a reason skeets is the best

Anonymous said...

J.E. Skeets, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow -- I want to party with you, cowboy. The two of us together, forget it.

Anonymous said...

isn't big ben an even bigger jesus freak than mr you-can't-possibly-be-a-bigger-jesus-freak-than-me kurt warner??

Anonymous said...

Freaking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

i love only j.e. skeets for one reason alone: he capitalized "Shifty Bastard" because he was referring to God. very nice touch.

Bloof said...

Captain, this post is so epic I could bathe with you in the sea.

Mr. B. said...

Ben: Kurt, come back. I was just kidding. I love God. He’s meast.

Unsilent Majority said...

methinks bluefoot is lacking in the reading comprehension department

Mr. B. said...

Nice Article, Drew.

Anonymous said...

Unsilent, this was the funniest thing you've wrote yet!

Anonymous said...

It's also the funniest thing you've ever written!

(Is that better?)