Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Better Know a Team: San Diego Chargers

Five Fast Facts about the Chargers:

-After the regular season, all Charger cheerleaders go back to their homes ON WHORE ISLAND.
-Linebacker Shawne Merriman majored in home protection at the University of Maryland for coach Ralph Friedgen, who is best known for playing the role of Clown in the movie Spawn.
-Former Charger running back Natrone Means can eat two egg salad sandwiches in a single bite.
-Former Chargers backup QB Cleo Lemon was named after Cleo, Riff Raff's main squeeze. Cleo later dumped Riff Raff for Heathcliff, leaving Riff Raff to spend his remaining days in the junkyard smoking bathtub meth with Hector, Wordsworth, and Mungo.
-It's 75 degrees and sunny every day in San Diego, and the women there make South Beach look like a fucking Greyhound station. Charger fans, your team could perish in a bus crash and I doubt it would ruin your day.

10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Luis Castillo

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and "chatting" with a player from each team. For the Chargers, it's starting 3-4 defensive end and admitted former steroid user Luis Castillo.

Big Daddy Drew: Luis, thanks for taking the time to sit down with us.
Luis Castillo: No problem.

Drew: I loved you in Out of Sight. "You are mean!" I love that. Oh, and you were great in Traffic, too. How did you earn the trust of an acclaimed director like Steven Soderbergh?
Castillo: That's Luis Guzman.

Drew: No need to be modest. The Chargers jettisoned starting QB Drew Brees in the offseason. Tell me, why keep LaDainian Tomlinson around? Isn't he really just dead weight?
Castillo: LT is great.

Drew: Marty Schottenhimer has often been criticized for his coaching in the fourth quarter. But shouldn't he get more credit for being a shitty coach the first three quarters of a game?
Castillo: No.

Drew: The Chargers used their first round draft choice on Antonio Cromartie, who only started one game at Florida State. Why not draft his backup? I bet he'd be even fresher!
Castillo: Antonio is a fine player.

Drew: AJ Smith helped bring Doug Flutie back to the NFL. Do you think Smith was bothered at all by Drew Brees' surplus of height?
Castillo: No.

Drew: Was Brees a bad drop kicker? Because QB's that can't drop kick are useless fuckers.
Castillo: I don't know.

Drew: Are you sort of glad that Brees isn't around anymore, so you don't have to spend team meetings staring at Brees' birthmark while pretending that you aren't?
Castillo: No.

Drew: As a Mexican, do you find it ironic that your job is essentially border control?
Castillo: I'm not Mexican.

Drew: I see this is a touchy issue for you. Let's move on. AJ Feeley: do you really need him?
Castillo: Yes.

Drew: You did steroids to help heal an "elbow" injury faster. How much can your "elbow" squat now? 700? 800?
Castillo: It really was an elbow injury.

Drew: I'll bet. How much of an improvement is AJ Smith over Bobby Beathard? Is it sort like moving from a hovel to a shantytown?
Castillo: AJ is a good GM.

Drew: Everyone agrees the old Charger powder-blue unis are Badass. But the Chargers refuse to go back to them. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Castillo: I don't know.

Drew: I saw coach Schottenheimer on TV when he was an ESPN analyst. What's it like to play for a cadaver?
Castillo: Coach is not dead.

Drew: The Chargers backup guard is named Cory Lekkerkerker. Are black guys on the team uncomfortable playing with someone who has so many k's in their name?
Castillo: No.

Drew: Quentin Jammer: any relation to Cal Jammer?
Castillo: No.

Drew: Because Cal was tremendous in "Foreskin Gump". He'll be missed.
Castillo: No.

Drew: Will you kiss me?
Castillo: No.

Drew: Would you consider touching my meast? It won't bite.
Castillo: No.

Drew: We could share a Meast Lover's Pizza.
Castillo: No.

Drew: Luis, thanks for taking time off from doing dead lifts with your "elbow" to come talk to us.
Castillo: My pleasure.


Anonymous said...

Anyone want to start taking bets on which player is the first to kiss Big Daddy?

Dat RoRo Kid said...

I LOVED Mungo. Hector was as good a second-in-command as you can get...

Unsilent Majority said...

hector was a piece of shit.

i'm not sure whether or not to be proud that the pornstar's wiki page proclaims he's from bethesda, md

The Last Unitard said...

It's been so long since I've seen either of them that Heathcliff and Go-Bots have become intertwined in my memory.

I would like to see a show of old cartoons vs. other old cartoons.

Like Smurfs vs. Snorks

Or Transformers vs. Voltron

Or perhaps G.I. Joe vs Care Bears

I think Philip Rivers will put up big numbers and the Chargers will win the AFC West. If they fire Schotty (play calling) before the season starts.

RadamR said...

Unfortunately those matchups already took place and no footage remains, I can, however, inform you that the outcome of all of those battles yielded Wuzzles.

Anonymous said...

And yet, UM, he's not listed on Bethesda's Wiki page under notable natives or residents.

Seriously, Cal Jammer, Mo Rocca, and (presumably) Unsilent Majority. What a great slice of American society.

Drew, this preview was awesome, by the way.

Anonymous said...

No Ryan Leaf reference? For shame.

Unknown said...

Wait. Where is the link to WHORE ISLAND?

Anonymous said...

Heathcliff, Natrone, and Brees's birthmark...
I'm no longer on the fence

Anonymous said...


Finally, the return of "10 yards of Awkwardness".


Anonymous said...

Remember that episode where Riff Raff and the gang were drinking Steel Reserve and smoking spliffs when they slipped Cleo some GHB and then ran "the train"

Anonymous said...

You hear that, Eli? WHORE ISLAND! Bastard.

Unknown said...

If the Spanos family perished we would call for a three day weekend however.