Thursday, August 31, 2006

How To Properly Bitch About Your Fantasy Team

I have never won a fantasy league. Ever. But, like Bill Simmons at the World Series of Poker, I possess the breathtaking arrogance to believe that I am a player of impeccable skill who has been done in by the sheer luck of my retarded opponents. If you were the lucky douche who drafted Larry Johnson, Steve Smith, and Carson Palmer last year, you probably won your league. Pfft. What do you know about football? Dick. One of these days, I'm gonna win a league. And then I'll be proven smart!

If that doesn't happen though, I am fully prepared to bitch about the two fantasy teams I drafted. And here they are. I'd list the scoring and positions. But really, what the fuck do you care?

Team 1 (Deadspin league) - Babette's Meast

Round 1-Pick 5: Tiki Barber - No one makes fun of Tiki's first name. Why? He was clearly conceived during a Brady Bunch episode, and I don't think he should be ashamed of that.

2-28: Anquan Boldin - Nothing like having a Cardinal on your team. It's always fun to watch Kurt Warner drop back, wait 30 seconds, and then fumble, and then get concussed.

3-37: Reggie Wayne - I'd like to again bitch about the fact that Tia Carerre's band in "Wayne's World" was fucking terrible. Everyone in that movie creams their jeans over her while she's up there butchering "Fire". Open your ears, Lowe!

4-60: Frank Gore - Nothing like drafting a player on an offense that averages -7 points per game.

5-69: Jospeh Addai - Son of Meat Loaf Addai.

6-92: Drew Brees - If I draft him and Chad Pennington, that's like a full set of shoulders!

7-101: DeAngelo Williams - Really let himself go after that "Voodoo" album.

8-124: Kellen Winslow - Go for the bomb, soldier!

9-133: Mark Brunell - Bumped up my board for overall rugged handsomeness

10-156: Troy Williamson - My token Viking. And he hasn't fucked anyone in a stairwell yet!

11-165: New England - Don't care.

12-188: Reche Caldwell - Really don't care.

13-197: Jeff Reed - Does this draft ever fucking end?

14-220: Joe Klopfenstein - Pro Football Weekly thought he had real potential. I dropped him for Travis Henry.

Team 2 (Valhalla Viking league) - Hot Carl Lee

Round 1-Pick 4: Tiki Barber - Hey, didn't I just draft you? Or was that one of your Asian sister co-wives?

2-21: Chad Johnson - Fresh off his appearance as the villain in "Demolition Man 2".

3-28: Terrell Owens - No better player to have on your fantasy team. If he so much as loses a contact, I'll know about it. Thanks, overreactive media!

4-45: Kevin Jones - Shitty team? Coordinator who hates to run? That's my kinda back!

5-52: Frank Gore - Nice to see you again. Now I can hate you doubly!

6-69: Jake Delhomme - Excellent pick, because this is the year Steve Smith will rebreak his leg.

7-76: Tatum Bell - Looking good after divorcing John McEnroe.

8-93: Heath Miller - A pick I'm legitimately excited about. And those always turn out swimmingly.

9-100: Braylon Edwards - Still not injured!

10-117: Michael Vick - Combined with Owens, I now possess two of the most annoying players in football. I bet Vick would study his playbook more if Virginia Tech actually taught their students to read.

11-124: Cedric Benson - His teammates hate his guts, so perhaps he'll be as good as Ricky Watters.

12-141: Kellen Winslow - He brings both my teams a toughness that only comes from the means streets of La Jolla.

13-165: Michael Jenkins - As a show of my faith in Vick, I dropped him for Wali Lundy.

14-172: Atlanta - Drafted on autodraft. I was eating chicken.

15-189: Kansas City - Also drafted during chicken. Dropped for Olindo Mare. Arriba arriba arriba!!!!!!!!

Those are the teams. By Week 3, we will speak no more of them.


Unsilent Majority said...

frank gore just tore his acl

...nah i'm fuckin with you

Engineer Sighted said...

But Drew, if she were a president, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln.

Alex said...

I drafted Palmer last year, but still finished towards the bottom of my league. That's what happens when you waste high draft picks on Kevin Jones and Nate Burleson.

This year, I'm not touching the NFC North with a ten foot pole.

Anonymous said...

Wow, ok so I'm at and I' lookin at a list that they have on there about the Most Feared Players in the NFL, 3 of the ten are Jason Short - Eagles, Keith Brooking - Falcons, and Olin Kreutz. Now It would be EASY to make a list of the ten most feared men in football that's totally devoid of any caucasians, but since this is SI and they can't do that at least put caucasians on there that ARE feared. Put dudes like Urlacher, Lynch, and, um, um, ok well that's it. Nobody in the NFL is fuckin scared of Kieth Brooking, he & Zach Thomas are the most overratted linbackers in the history of the NFL. Nobody is scared of Jason Short (who the fuck IS Jason Short) and as far as offensive lineman go sure Kruetz is a good player, but he doesn't exactly have players shitting in their drawers. SI.Com's top ten lists are compiled by homosexual Klan members. That is all, get back to work.

Unsilent Majority said...

olin kreutz is terrifying. especially to guys like jay fiedler.

Anonymous said...

It should be noted that Vick might actually care about his playbook if he were a real quarterback. You may not be able to catch Vick, but you might be able to catch what he's got.

Unknown said...

I had LJ, Palmer AND Smurf Smith on a team last year. Yeah, same team. Then Smurf decides to hit a referee in week 16 and I lose by 0.75 points. Son of a bitch.

Anonymous said...

You are not, You are not, You are not, You are not Funny.

Anonymous said...

I drafted Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson, and Tiki Barber last year. I dominated the regular season, and then got annhilated in the playoffs because real NFL teams don't play to win when their playoff spots are already wrapped up. And yes, I'm still bitter about it.

The Last Unitard said...

Jason Short isn't so much a scary white football player as he is a metaphor for the deepest, darkest fear that dwells within us all.

KaLiBLeeK said...

I'm not sure how many players in the league would be terrified of a player they've never heard of; this is the first time I've heard the name Jason Short. Ever. And the only person scared of Kreutz is Fred Miller. Making nice with a dude who broke your jaw in front of law enforcement officers at a shooting range is a step above peeing yourself.