Friday, August 4, 2006

Your 2006 NFL Suicide Pool Preview

Any asshole can preview the fantasy league season. I do. But there's so much more to foolishly wasting your money on the NFL than that. Like the yearly NFL Suicide Pool, which is the sports betting equivalent of putting $25 on double zeroes at the roulette table and then watching the wheel spin for ten weeks before it hits 2. That's some sweet action!

I have two rules for doing my suicide pool picks. And, since I've never won one, you'd do best to heed them!

-Try and avoid the obvious pick.
-If possible, never bet on a road team.

You also need to pick your Patron Saint team for the year, the team you think will be shitty enough to lose on a consistent basis. Watch your ass when you do this. Everyone assumes Houston and San Fran will be God-awful this year, but few teams not coached by Les Steckel manage to go 2-14 or 3-13 or 4-12 two years straight. A genuinely lousy squad must have three key elements:

-Shitty coach
-Shitty defense
-Shitty QB

What team might have those inherently desirable qualities? Oh, wait! I know...


They're perfect. Crappy retread coach who lost half his face while opening the Ark of the Covenant? Check. A QB competition lamer than an Ani DiFranco concert? Check. Surprisingly awful defense? Oh yeah. Plus, they have a rookie GM who used to wear an onion on his belt (which was the style at the time) and the running back who personally ruined my chances for making the fantasy playoffs last year. Willis McGahee, I wish years and years of baby mamma drama upon your head.

You know the rules. Pick one team to win each week. You can only pick a team once. Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't. Because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. It's seppuku time!

Week 1: New England over Buffalo
And remember: If Bill Belichick fucks your wife, it was strictly a tactical decision.

Week 2: Cincy over Cleveland
Assuming Carson Palmer is healthy. Actually, assuming he's not healthy either.

Week 3: Miami over Tennessee
Because betting on Daunte Culpepper will never steer you wrong!

Week 4: KC over San Fran
Larry Johnson will either have 1,000 yards or a torn patellar tendon by this time.

Week 5: Chicago over Buffalo
An embarrassment of riches this week, with Tennessee in Indy, the Jets in Jacksonville and Cleveland in Carolina. Even the big-titted receptionist who wears too much base makeup will ace this week.

Week 6: Dallas over Houston
Or go bold with Detroit over Buffalo as your "Pick an awful team and hope they beat an even more awful team" week, which is always a sphincter closer. The Skins and Denver are also good picks this week.

Week 7: Seattle over Minnesota
A quick recap of the Vikes' last two games against Seattle: Shaun Alexander got 5 TD's in one fucking half, and then Randy Moss threw a game-losing interception. Hey, that was fun to watch! Let's flip to "Grey's Anatomy" and finish the job that Satan started!

Week 8: San Diego over St. Louis
An absolutely brutal week. Order the potato skins to calm your nerves.

Week 9: Jacksonville over Tennessee
And considering every Jacksonville game ends 10-6 with at least 30 false start penalties, this will be awesome to sit through!

Week 10: Atlanta over Cleveland
One game this week will be moved to Sunday Night. This will not be the one. This is a double-lock pick if Matt Schaub or any other actual QB is playing for the Falcons.

Week 11: Arizona over Detroit
And considering that Arizona is a "chic pick" to win a lot of games this year, this prediction comes with a huge red fucking warning sign that blinks "Kurt Goddamn Warner!" anytime you go near it.

(Notice that I have saved Pittsburgh, Denver and Indy until now. Huzzah!)

Week 12: Indy over Philly
Yep, this is usually where the Colts peak.

Week 13: New Orleans over San Francisco
This is usually about the time I pick up Frank Gore off waivers. That kid has a lot of potential for a guy with two reconstructed knees and no o-line!

Week 14: Pittsburgh over Cleveland
Assuming the Browns have enough healthy players to actually field a team.

Week 15: Minnesota over NY Jets
At which time the Vikings will be 6-8 and still in the thick of the playoff race.

Week 16: Tampa over Cleveland
The first road pick. Perhaps the Browns should be our patron saint team this year.

Week 17: Denver over San Fran OR Baltimore over Buffalo
You see how much room I left you with? I didn't even have to use the Redskins. Be sure to spend your winnings on idiotic things, like Super Bowl boxes. And be sure to thank me when you do.


Unsilent Majority said...

"I didn't even have to use the Redskins."


Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Unsilent Majority said...

poor poor takeo...i always liked his game.

willis is god btw

Anonymous said...

love the throw away Simpsons onion-on-the-belt line. priceless

Anonymous said...

Sucidal Tendencies easily satisfies the DFF criteria.

God damn, you're right, nobody's singing "I Saw Your Mommy" today.

Anonymous said...

In suicide pools, I always stick to one guy, Dimitri Underwood.

Captain Caveman said...

re: Dimitius Underwood

It's funny 'cause he slit his throat.

Ha, just kidding. It's actually funny because it causes Drew pain.

DCThrowback said...

I agree with Shawn...the Brownies are not a team to sleep on.

But you can keep hitting the snooze with the Bills, though it pains me greatly to type that.

Anonymous said...

Its friday. Where are the cheerleaders?

Anonymous said...

Suicide Pool? Sweet. With my first two picks, I'll take Jeff Alm and Terry Long...Oh, it's for 2006 football teams? Shit, now I'm the insensitive asshole.

Captain Caveman said...

Anyone who's also known as "the ATM" is automatically wrong when it comes to preseason insight.

Man Law.

Anonymous said...

Anybody known as "Person, AKA 'An Inanimate object'" has watched a little too much ESPN for my taste. By the way, I'm Danny Boy, otherwise known as "The pipes are callin', bitch."

Captain Caveman said...

Yes, I was drunk when I insulted the ATM.

What? Are we supposed to apologize for the things we say when we're drunk now? What is this, "The View"?

Anonymous said...

have a hard time taking New Orleans over anyone this year. both lines are going to be really, really bad. and brees' arm might fall off by week 3.

not a bad initial assessment. GL-

Anonymous said...

keep betting against the jets. unless they play miami.