Philadelphia: Is There a Connection Between Its Production of Cheerleaders and Cream Cheese?

All over the NFL, teams are auditioning for new cheerleader squads, a tradition as American as eating disorders and breast implants. In few places is this done as well in Philadelphia, where the Eagles cheerleaders (A KSK favorite) must be selected from the hottest 0.65% of the American female population. Anything less and the girls would get batteries thrown at them.

Here are some photos from the Eagles cheerleaders tryouts, which is apparently some sort of beauty pageant. As well it should be.

Fitness Award-winner Jamie demonstrates the proper technique for walking.

Jessica Simpson? Nope, that's Kjersti. She thinks John Mayer is a total pussy.

Raise your hand if Captain Caveman wants to lick your stomach.

Jennifer won the Overall Beauty Award. With those split ends? Pffft.

So there you go. That's one more week closer to death, one less week until the 2007 NFL season starts. Thanks to our friends at the Professional Cheerleader Blog for the photos.

This Week's Mock Draft: Animals We Want for Our Personal Zoos

You know, we have rules in our mock draft for a reason. They give us definitive parameters that keep us from arguing needlessly, and it tends to keep things from getting too fantastic.

And yet every fuckin' week, the commenters have a race to ignore the rules that we carefully set down. Several weeks after the "Actions Scenes We Want to Be a Part of" Draft (note the emphasis), I heard from a reader who just COULDN'T BELIEVE no one picked the 12-minute single-cut scene from the end of Children of Men. Oh, really? Clive Owen spends the entire scene running for his fucking life 'cause he doesn't have a gun. What part of that do you want to be a part of? "Well, yeah, but it was a cool scene." For fuck's sake, LOOK AT THE RULES.

These are the parameters for this week (pretty loose, because by this point we're self-policing):

"These are animals for our own personal zoo. You do not need to upkeep these animals. A personal zookeeper and corresponding ecosystem will be provided. Must be current species, so no megalodons or T-Rexes. As always, serpentine draft order."

1. flubby: Elephant

I imagine once you own an elephant, it sort of consumes your public persona. Instead of being referred to as "that one guy who and has a kickass job and is hung like a clydesdale plus he has the waaay hot wife and the best looking kid in town" as I am now, I would be simply known to all as "that guy with the elephant." Still, it would be worth it, especially if it would use its trunk to help me wash my trunk. I think I saw that once on either "National Geographic" or "The Flintstones."

2. Captain Caveman (hey, that's me!): Grizzly-Polar Bear Hybrid

Not only is it extremely rare (thus leading to huge profits for my personal zoo), but I choose to believe that this hybrid combines all the deadliest aspects of both species. Gifted swimmer. Powerful digger. Godless. Killing. Machine.

(I also did this for the good of the draft. By picking the hybrid, I've trumped anyone's ability to claim either the polar bear or grizzly bear, thus preventing what could have been a dispute about whether all bears should be off the board after one bear is selected.)

Drew: It needs a catchier name. Polar Bizz-ear!

flub: (from Wiki) "the offspring of a male Polar bear and a female Grizzly would be a "Pizzly bear," while the offspring of a male Grizzly and a female Polar bear would be a "Grolar bear.""

Drew: Fo shizzle my grizzle!

3. Monday Morning Punter: Tyrannosaurus Rex

The baddest animal in all the land, at least until that meteor came. I did not see a moratorium on extinct animals.

MMP was then sent to the Asshole Box for five minutes.

3. MMP, take 2: Hedgehog

The hedgehog is a dynamite little animal. So much so that they're illegal in many states and can't be taken on planes. There have been video games named after them. The infield fly rule was created by a hedgehog, and two hedgehogs currently sit on the US Supreme Court. Some of these are even true.

He has plans to name it "Renaldo Balkman."

4. Big Daddy Drew: Great White Shark


If I own a great white shark, that means I can watch it eat shit all day long. I'd do massive bong hits all morning, then just park my ass in front of the aquarium and watch him go to town. It would be like Shark Week, only just for me. And if someone were to fall into my tank "by accident", well there wouldn't be much evidence left over.

5. Christmas Ape: Giant Panda

Women adore them. Like China, I can rent the stupid thing to a zoo for millions of dollars and take it back on a whim. Also, despite cuteness, giant pandas are sufficiently adept at people killing. I may get tired of the sexual harassment lectures, however.


6. Unsilent Majority: Gorilla

Have you seen a fucking gorilla? Those are some badass motherfuckers and they're smarter than the average NFL GM. They are the greatest animal in existence.

7. UM: Chimpanzee

If movies have taught us anything it's that chimps are the world's funniest and most useful animal. They can operate flight simulators but they're also cool just chillin out, smoking pot, and joyriding.

8. Xmas Ape: White Tiger


All the benefits of a regular tiger but the cachet of rarity. Forget zip code or membership to exclusive clubs, the real ticket to the elite is white tiger ownership. KSK spokescat Jean Grey probably needs a friend anyway, even if it's one that could eat her in one bite.

9. Drew: Giant Crocodile

Crikey! Isn't she a beauuuuty?! It nearly bit off me chuzzwuzzers! Let's go drink and shandy and bask in the glow of this MAGNIFICENT creature. Oh, and I'd definitely store my croc in the galley of my yacht to attack unsuspecting black partners, ala Sonny Crockett.

10. MMP: Lion

I didn't see anyone pick a Lion. I'm taking the Lion. It's tough to be King of the Jungle and still have great hair.

11. CC: Prairie Dog Colony

Is it a badass pick? Not at all. But the prairie dogs never have an off day. They're always coming out of their holes, standing on hind legs, squeaking at each other, chasing each other around... I'll say it: the prairie dogs are cute. And ladies love cute animals. Cute animals at my private zoo are gonna get me laid.

Naturally, Drew objected to my pick, contending that I should only get one prairie dog, because married people hate it when single people get laid. The Draft Committee discussed the complaint, and ruled in favor of me getting the colony. Bada bing.

flub: "Also, Dude, colony is not the preferred nomenclature. Prairie dog town, please."

12. flub: Giraffe

I might name it Allison Janney, but probably not. Elephant and giraffe with my first two picks? My menagerie owns.

13. flub: Thylacine

Whether or not thylacines still exist in Tasmania is the subject of some debate. The last one in captivity died nearly 100 years ago. But since we are allowing "theoretical" animals like the pizzly in, I want this one. I mean just look at it. Bad ass. Who's sneaking in my back yard? No one, that's who.

Pizzly bear theoretical? My ass. Did he not see the Wikipedia page? Still, a good pick. I don't think we've seen an animal unhinge its jaw like that since Linda Lovelace.

14. CC: Snow Leopard.


Every time I go to the zoo, the lions and tigers are just sitting around being lazy fucks. Not the snow leopard. It just stalks around, pissed off at the world that it's in a confined area. It's ready to kick some ass. Which is great, because I've got extra prairie dogs.

Also, it looks kinda cute = me getting laid. Yes!

UM: nice pick whitey!

15. MMP: Penguins

They have their own movies. They drink coke. They're well-dressed. And they have 2 Stanley Cups.


16. Drew: Hippos

A hog and a frog
Cavort in the bog
But not the hippopotamus

And you know why? Because the hippo was too busy laying in wait in the river, hoping to fucking swallow them both whole. Hippos: cute AND deadly. And BIG!

17. Xmas Ape: Bald Eagle

Ufford's patriotic bona fides are already well in place, but, as a journalist, I'm branded a traitor and a commie on a daily basis. Now, should the allegation arise, all I need to do is produce Christmas Eagle (now THAT'S American) to dispel any such notions. Then have it peck the bastard's eyes out.

18. UM: Australian Sea Lion

That's one damn cute animal. They're adept in the water and equally comfortable poolside, but they might best be served as wingmen at the bar. from Wiki: The males fight other males from very young to establish their individual positions in the male hierarchy and during the breeding season, dominant males will guard females for the right to breed with her when she comes into oestrus.

God damn right.

Where did we fuck up? Tell us we should have taken Children of Men in the comments.

Urlacher fined $100,000 for hat-- Goodell drunk on power, scotch Gatorade

From the desk of Roger Goodell, Commmissioner National Football Leagye

To: Brian Urlacher
Re: Courtesy reminder on official NFL player apparel policy

Do you know what 'Official Sports Drink of the NFL' means, Brian? It means if you show up at Media Day wearing a faggy hat pimping some bullshit fortified water, I am going to fine your ass six-figures. Capiche, dickhead?

I am through playing around you bastards. David Stern thinks he is some kind of a hardass??? I'll show him a what a hardass really is. He wants to suspend a referee for the playoffs??? I'll push a referee down a fucking elevator shaft if they so much as look at me sideways. No more vitaminwater hats, Brian. And if you cross me one more time, I swear on all that is holy, I will make your life a living hell, do you understand me you miserable prick? With me, you do not fuck.

But to make it up to you I want to introduce you to some newly approved official NFL apparel, just for you. Enjoy, cockmunch.

Yours truly,

Rog

Just What You've Always Wanted: Hardcore Denver Bronco Pornography

We're taking a break from the "kill kill kill" tag this week. As a palate cleanser, I'm going in the opposite direction and providing you with one of the most beautiful sights in all of nature: Two horses screwing. The male horse's name? Lexington Steele. (NOTE: This video is NSFW, and in fact it is probably worse for your boss to catch you watching this than watching actual porn.)

What I like about gonzo animal sex videos is that there are no games. The male animal jumps on top of the female he likes. If she ain't feeling it, she just runs away. I wish human sexual courtship were more like this. It would save us countless $100 dinner tabs and endless cases of blueballs. I even started a movement to do just this sort of thing in college, usually around 3:00 AM on a Saturday night. No one ever got on board. Tightassses. 'Tis a pity. I think I was really onto something.

High Risk Insurance/The Time is Right

[Dialtone]

Esurance customer associate: Hello, how may I help you?

Vince Young: "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."

Esurance customer associate: ...excuse me? Hello? Sir?

VY: "God gave Noah the rainbow sign. No more water, the fire next time."

ECA: I'm not quite sure what you're trying to tell me, sir.

VY: Goddammit! Your ad says quote, buy, print. How many more quotes I have to give you?

ECA: Oh. [laughs] You misunderstood. It means you can log onto our web site, provide your pertinent personal information, get a price quote, buy a policy and print it out at home.

VY: I knew I shoulda gotten Jeff Fisher to do this. But his dialing hand is all worn out from the fist pumping.

ECA: Maybe you can explain to me what you're trying to do and I can refer you to the correct department.

VY: Okay. EA Sports just told me they're gonna put me on the cover of the next Madden game. Now, I love the Madden game. If books were like the Madden game, I would have read every book since NFL Proust Reading '92, with the fuzzy graphic words that get tackled as soon as they run into an opposing word. But bad shit always happens to people who get put on the cover so I need some Vince Young insurance.

ECA: Well, sir, we're an auto insurance company. We don't put policies out on athletes.

VY: Yeah, auto, as in automatic. Gimme some of that automatic insurance.

ECA: That's auto as in automobile insurance.

VY: Fuck. I just talked to Mike Vick and he explained all the bad experiences he had being on the cover. Now he even insures his weed. Against fire damage, no less. I don't know how he found a company willing to do that. He was watching TV when we were on the phone and your commercial came on and he wanted me to call to ask if the girl from your commercials could save him from his evil robot coffee maker. And while I was at it, I should get some insurance.

ECA: I haven't the slightest idea how help you.

VY: Hmmm. Can I just talk to the cute pink haired girl?

ECA: You mean Erin Esurance? She's a fictional mascot the company uses for advertising campaigns.

VY: Yeah, she's probably out on a classified mission or something. You tell her I liked that touchdown she scored against the blizzard robot. I'm gonna try that shit against Jacksonville.

ECA: I...uh...

VY: She's also had baseball and basketball commercials. That's one sporty chick. I bet she puts some baseball eye black around her snatch. I'd like to give her some of my patented sidearm delivery. KnawhaI'msayin'?

ECA:...

VY: You're right. My mechanics are kinda bad. That's why I did so bad on the Wonderlic. I tried to write all my answers on the side of the paper. Man, side of the paper is less than a millimeter thick. I must only got, like, five answers on there.

ECA: ...

VY: Anyway, you need to tell her to leave that mumbly caesar haircut-having white dude she's with. Then again, he's probably one of those smart-ass Herbs that girls hang around to cheat off on tests. Girls are clever like that.

ECA:...

VY: All right, well, fuck this shit. I'll be fine. But I gotta run though. Albert Haynesworth wants to practice his stomping action on my throwing arm. Y'know, toughen that shit up.

Quien Es Mas Macho: Brady Quinn O Sanjaya Malakar?

I don’t watch “American Idol,” but I don’t have anything against it. Anything that gives the world Carrie Underwood and Katherine McPhee in new outfits every week certainly has my support. But it annoys the piss out of me that all the contestants are coached to sing DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA. I like to see performers who lose themselves in the song and have the potential to spontaneously A) Break shit, B) Light something on fire, or C) Jump off of something. And it’s hard to express yourself with naked passion when you’re constantly searching for the best boy.

Oh, and a majority of the contestants suck. That tends to hurt its appeal. Unless, of course, you’re a 12-year-old girl. Ah, those eternal barometers of shitty musical taste. Who else but 12-year-old girls could give the world such musical abortions as David Cassidy, Jordan Knight, Vanilla Ice, Ashlee Simpson, and Bono? Well, those little harlots have really outdone themselves this time. Their new favorite eardrum rapist? Guhhhhhhh...

Sanjaya Malakar. If you ever thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish Jermaine Stewart had been a bigger star,” well you’re in luck. I’m not even sure Sanjaya is human. It’s like he was manufactured by Mattel after years of extensive focus grouping. Why, he even sings out of tune, just like you! Sanjaya is a triumph of style and manufactured hype over actual usefulness.

And, in that sense, he’s just like Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn.

I’ve watched the NFL Draft every year for God knows how long, and it’s clear to me, more than ever, that NFL teams and prognosticators feel the need to arbitrarily assign one or two quarterbacks to the top five of the draft for no good reason. It’s like they all collectively get together and say, “Wait a second, the top of this draft needs QB’s! Let’s draw two names out of this top hat!” I once heard that, when Alex Smith and David Carr were drafted in the top slot, the words “Fuck it” were also written on the draft card.

Now, this wasn’t the case last year. Vince Young and Matt Leinart were exceptions to the rule. Yet Leinart dropped to 10th, almost as if to be punished for actually being a good prospect. I don’t feel like Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell are in the league of those two, yet both are almost certain to be drafted in the Top 5, if not the Top 3. Why? Fuck if I know. It wasn’t until after the season that people even spoke of Russell as a prospect for the top pick. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

Quinn’s presence at the top of the draft is particularly vexing. Like Sanjaya, he seems more a product of people WANTING him to succeed rather than having to skills to succeed on his own. He’s also queer. Perhaps a comparison is in order. Or, perhaps, it’s time to resurrect our long dormant “Quien Es Mas Macho?” series to determine just who is the lesser of two fakes. And so, we break out the pros and cons lists to find out…

Quien Es Mas Macho?! Sanjaya O Quinn?


Sanjaya

Pros:
-Beautiful veneers
-Exotic background gets him points for diversity, even though in spirit he’s whiter than a glacier
-Flawlessly groomed eyebrows
-Smile, while creepy and insincere to adults, is black tar heroin to prepubescent idiots
-Versatile hair! Take that Simon, with your inexplicable 1950’s Coast Guard flattop
-His sister? You’d hit it.
-High-pitched voice attracts nearby dolphins
-Will make a smashing Grand Marshall in the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade

Cons:
-No muy macha
-Fucking awful
-Is only 17, cannot buy his fans the Parliaments they so desperately want
-Completely lacking in cynicism and seems to be genuinely enjoying the competition. Americans hate that shit.
-There may be duplicates of him
-Potential of him winning threatens the *snicker* integrity of “American Idol”.
-Gays are trying to break out of that whole “flaming queen” stereotype. You aren’t helping progress, Fruit Loop


Brady Quinn

Pros:
-Mildly strong arm!
-White!
-Non-threatening!
-Went to Catholic school!
-Loved by uptight New Jerseyians!
-Beat Navy!
-People know who he is!
-Played for Charlie Weis, just like Rohan Davey!
-Un poco macho, if you don’t look at the above picture
-Can plow an entire acre of sorghum with front teeth
-Looks great doing draft telecast lead-ins! Can spin a football on his finger!
-Adorable moptop hair conveys a playful spirit
-Not afraid to break the NFL’s “lover of cock” barrier

Cons:
-Sucks
-Sucks balls
-Will cost you a $25 million signing bonus to suck balls for your team
-Has the potential to increase suicide rates in Cleveland even further
-His sister? You’d hitch it.
-Needs to work on throwing motion while in fetal position while playing Michigan or other decent opponent
-Stands out as a QB in absolutely no way

A tough matchup. But in the end, we have to choose the machoest man, and that man is…

Inside the War Room! Seattle Seahawks

Leading up to the draft, we’ll be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Seattle Seahawks.

Tim Ruskell, General Manager: Thanks for coming, gents. You all are the backbone of this team, the respective hearts of the offense and defense. In order to help figure out where we need to add youth, can you all state how old you'll be at the start of this season?

Julian Peterson, OLB: 29.

Patrick Kerney, DE: 30.

Ruskell: Wait. Aren't you a speed rusher?

Kerney: Yup.

Ruskell: And you're 30?

Kerney: Yessir.

Ruskell: All year? No chance of getting younger?

Kerney: I feel young at heart.

Ruskell: What was the deal we gave you this offseason?

Kerney: Six years, $39.5 million.

Ruskell: Good Christ! What was I thinking?!?

Peterson: Sir, we needed someone to replace Grant Wistrom, who was a year older. And much slower. Also, I believe you were on quaaludes that day.

Ruskell: Ah yes. That takes me back. Say, whatever happened to Wistrom? Class act. I loved his Halloween party.

Yes, that's Grant Wistrom.
Peterson: Retired, sir.

Ruskell: Good. Fucker was dead weight on this sinking ship. [pause] Anyway. Carry on, the rest of you. Ages.

Matt Hassebeck, QB: Uh, 32.

Shaun Alexander, RB: 30.

Deion Branch, WR: 28.

Darrell Jackson, WR: 28.

Walter Jones, OT: 33.

Mack Strong, FB: 36.

Ruskell: Fuck. My. Ass. Nobody's younger?

Hasselbeck: Sir, many of the players on defense and our offensive line are younger.

Ruskell: Name one known outside the state of Washington. Besides Lofa Tatupu.

Hasselbeck: Ummm... Kelly Jennings?

Ruskell: Fuck you. You're in the Asshole Box. No talking, five minutes. Got it?

Hasselbeck: [nods, hangs head]

Ruskell: Okay, so who should we take for our first round pick?

Branch: Uh, that's me.

Ruskell: Why would I draft you? You're already on the team.

Branch: No sir, last year you traded your first round pick to New England for me.

Ruskell: Oh, shit. Forgot about that. Must be nice to finally be paid, though, huh?

Branch: Yes, sir. And how.

Ruskell: I met [Patriots' personnel director Scott] Pioli last offseason. He actually picked up loose change off the street. He went to the bathroom while we were figuring out the tip for lunch.

Branch: I believe it, sir.

Ruskell: Right. So, second round. Let's see... number 55 overall. What are our biggest needs?

Alexander: Tight end, offensive line, tight end, and we could use a little depth in the secondary.

Strong: I am fucking ancient.

Alexander: Fullback, too.

Ruskell: Does anyone have any good news for me?

Kerney: You'll free up a lot of cap room when you cut me in two years.

Branch: I saved 15% by switching to Geico car insurance.

Ruskell: We're not getting anyone from this draft, are we?

Everyone: No.

Ruskell: Looks like I'm gonna need to make a move. Guess who's getting traded?

Jackson: ...me?

Ruskell: Ding ding ding. Pack your bags, vestigial wideout.

We're Bringing Sexy Back

Today is another special day here at KSK and I'm pleased be introducing you to the newest offerings in our line of haute-couteur. Earlier in the offseason we debuted the collection with the uber-exclusive Sex Cannon logo. Well after a long discussion with Rextacy himself I learned that multiple designs--like orgasms--are vastly supperior to the singular alternative. So brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen (mostly ladies) because we're unloading the goodness all over your chest.

'99 Draft Class

The single greatest crop of quarterbacks to ever hit the NFL Draft was supposed to make us forget all about Marino, Elway, and all the other old fuckers that we didn't like that much to begin with. At KSK we honor this mishapen menagerie of signal callers, even if a few of them are selling robot insurance at Leisureworld.

Truthfully I just made this shirt because I really wanted it for myself. I liked the way it came out so I decided to make it available to the general public. So here they are, three different styles of the ubiquitous Starting 5 shirt.

The five greats featured in their team color on lightweight coton flanked by the heavyweight t-shirt in black with gold and the ladies option. If you are looking for different colors or styles all you have to do is email me with your request, we're quite flexible.

Sexy Business

Are you sexy? Do you make said sexy work for you? Then you my friend are in the Sexy Business. Another homage to our favorite Sex Cannon this shirt sums up everything that is the cumslinger.












On the left is the sexy red ringer shirt for all the hipsters out there lookin' for love in all the sexy places. To the right we have the team color edition of said shirt; either way, you're ready to fuck.

But what about the ladies??? Oh don't worry about that, it's about time we spread the sexy downstairs.












Ah...combine the sublime hotness that is the hip hugging undergarment with the overt sexiness of KSK and you're guarnateed to attract some attention (especially if you're wearing nothing else).

Now all we need is some models! We tried putting them on Ape's cat but...uh...that didn't end well. So all you lady readers out there need to get your shit in gear! Free merchandise for the first piece of ass to send us that picture.

NEW UPDATE!

GET YOUR KSK GEAR RIGHT HERE!

Football Fans > Baseball Fans

Last night I accidentally saw a few minutes of Baseball Tonight (extended viewing of John Kruk has been known to cause hemorrhoids in test subjects). If you didn't see it you probably missed the single greatest baseball highlight we're likely to see all year (unless Manny Ramirez finally just takes a piss on the warning track). On first glance it looked like a routine foul ball, but there was so much more.

While the Baseball Tonight recap was everything I could have expected ("I would have eaten that!" -Kruk) it was the game's live broadcast on NESN that provided the best analysis. Now watch as this noble football fan shows a pussy baseball fan how they roll in Foxboro.



I'm not sure what Mystic Pizza is about but I'd like to think it involves Julia Roberts on the other end of a sloppy slice like that one.

I can't decide which reaction is my favorite, there's a bounty of greatness to choose from. You have to love the Oliver Stone inspired analysis conducted by the Jerry Remy, but my favorite is the reaction of the victim's friend. In a short period of time he goes through the full gamut of emotions; joy when the foul ball is headed his way, sadness when he spills his beer, anger when he sees what's been done to his friend, horror when he sees the wasted pizza, and finally happiness when he realizes that his dumb ass is going to be all over television.

We salute you random Patriots fan. You waited for the perfect moment before you stuck it to the northeast liberal elite baseball-istas for the world to see.

Self-Referential and Off-Topic: If This Is Anyone but the Hollywood Gay Mafia, You're Stealing our Bit!

Christmas Ape, as you may or may not know, is our resident journalist / NPR-listener, and as such his off-season duties include staying abreast of new Noam Chomsky writings and reading Women's Wear Daily, which he claims is a great source for journo-industry news. (Sure, buddy. At least I'm transparent about my embrace of women's fashion.)

However, to Ape's credit, he uncovered a cabal of New York Times writers trying to infringe on KSK's turf: they got dubbed the Gay Mafia:

Does a scattershot list of gay Timesmen a mafia make? According to Out magazine's media-heavy Power 50 list, which ranked several New York Times reporters a collective seventh on the list, it does, even if many of its made men don't actually know each other. "Yes, there really is a queer cabal in the Eastern elite media, and it works on West 43rd Street in New York City," reads the accompanying text, citing T magazine editor Stefano Tonchi, assistant managing editor Richard Berke, national correspondent Adam Nagourney, advertising columnist Stuart Elliot, style reporter Eric Wilson, theater critic Ben Brantley and restaurant critic Frank Bruni.

As for the use of the 'M' word related to the assorted journalists, Aaron Hicklin, editor of Out, told WWD: "The Times still has an old-fashioned power that I think the Web has tried to replace but been less successful at. It's still a cultural arbiter….Should we have used the word mafia? Only inasmuch as mafia is shorthand for people whose combined weight is fearsome." And according to Out, these Timesmen are "one group you don't want to run into in a dark alley."

Oh, is that right?

Well, guess what, New York Times Gay Mafia. You ain't shit. Men preferring you to that shrike Maureen Dowd might make you a big deal in Manhattan, but that's a tiny little island, and Kissing Suzy Kolber has a monstrous gayness that covers four states and a crappy district. What have you done as a collective gay mafia besides have sex with men? You've done dick. You homos haven't lived anything as gay as Peter King's lust for Tony Romo. Where's YOUR exposé of the top 30 gay quarterbacks in the NFL?

So, suck on that, Out Magazine. Suck on my big, throbbing, aching member. That's right: the KSK Gay Mafia will happily meet the New York Times Gay Mafia in a back alley, and we will collectively fuck them in the ass. Fuck them hard and slow until we're satisfied and exhausted.

You know, metaphorically.