The Epic Douchefrontation: Massholes vs. Marmalard. WHO YA GOT?

The game may not be all that competitive on the field but there'll be plenty of grist for the douche mill in this pitched battle of the obnoxious, with the bandwagon, pink hatted, fairweather, occasionally violent, racist and retaaaaaaahded fans of the Paytreeuts square off with Marmalard himself. The combined forces of douche converging could make the universe collapse on itself, which is a preferable eventuality than the Patriots winning it all. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

New England Patriots fans_________Philip Rivers

Been Around the NFL Since

2001___________2004

Can't Find

A minority among them_______His teammates after the game

Frightening Facial Feature

Patriots helmet tattoo____________Laserface

Fallback

"The real season staaaarts in April"_______Volektricity

In Love With

Jennaaaaaafaaaaaaa_____Chastity, who surprisingly isn't a stripper

How You Know They're Coming

Light dims, animals flee________[door flies open]

Opening move

Clearing out all the "dddaaaaakies"__Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy

Finishing Move

Ending every blog comment with "19-0"___Making you root for him

For those in the D.C. area who care to join, I'll be watching the game at Murphy's in Alexandria, home of "the largest Patriots fan club in the mid-Atlantic region." Sure, the team will almost certainly win, but all that C4 I plant might put the kibosh on their celebration. I'm kidding, of course. Grenades will work fine. Thanks for those, Ufford!

I Am King of the Hobos!

Well, I am.

mumblemumblemumblesuckitDungymumblemumblemumblemumbleyoutooJohnHodgmanmumblemumblemumble

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Kevin, you dream the dreams of America. But you don't take it quite far enough; there's one thing missing.


Now you're on the trolley!

We all know that cheerleaders make everything better, so why should a trip to the beach be any different? Just imagine you're on the run from the law a well-deserved vacation in the paradise of Punta Cana, DR (Spanish for The Island of Dr. Moreau) when the ultimate gaggle of pussy start traipsing through the virginal sand .

Professional cheerleaders are shooting their team calendar and you are given a front row seat. What do you do? What do you do? Well if that team is the New England Patriots and you're a Masshole I guess this is the answer...

Holy shit! Somebody hold my likah!

Yep, that looks about right. Odds he got laid...5.9736×10²⁴/1.

So this weekend while you're hiding from the rain and/or your mother (oh sweet merciful Yaweh) just think, you could have been chillin' in the DR with some of the hottest women to ever don the spankie. Instead of chatting up your mom you could be oiling up some ass.

So that's where the phrase "I'd lick olive oil off her ass" comes from.

Enjoy your weekend everybody, I'm going to the beach in case some cheerleaders need a dedicated towel boy.

Gotta support the team.


photo's courtesy of Boston.com

MONUMENTAL UPDATE!

Because NBC screwed us out of Jenna Fischer in a two-piece I've decided to add a little something extra to this week's cheerleader fix. Enjoy this spread of Jenna at her best.








Yeah, that's the good shit.

Football Fans > Baseball Fans

Last night I accidentally saw a few minutes of Baseball Tonight (extended viewing of John Kruk has been known to cause hemorrhoids in test subjects). If you didn't see it you probably missed the single greatest baseball highlight we're likely to see all year (unless Manny Ramirez finally just takes a piss on the warning track). On first glance it looked like a routine foul ball, but there was so much more.

While the Baseball Tonight recap was everything I could have expected ("I would have eaten that!" -Kruk) it was the game's live broadcast on NESN that provided the best analysis. Now watch as this noble football fan shows a pussy baseball fan how they roll in Foxboro.



I'm not sure what Mystic Pizza is about but I'd like to think it involves Julia Roberts on the other end of a sloppy slice like that one.

I can't decide which reaction is my favorite, there's a bounty of greatness to choose from. You have to love the Oliver Stone inspired analysis conducted by the Jerry Remy, but my favorite is the reaction of the victim's friend. In a short period of time he goes through the full gamut of emotions; joy when the foul ball is headed his way, sadness when he spills his beer, anger when he sees what's been done to his friend, horror when he sees the wasted pizza, and finally happiness when he realizes that his dumb ass is going to be all over television.

We salute you random Patriots fan. You waited for the perfect moment before you stuck it to the northeast liberal elite baseball-istas for the world to see.