And Now We Enter Endgame

"I've spent all my retirement equivocating at various podia"

[But Favre conceded he might have a tough decision to make if, say, Green Bay called and asked him to come back because of team injuries.

"It would be hard to pass up, I guess," he said. " . . . It's only speculating. I think the world of that team. I had a lot of fun, not only this year, but over my career. Those guys I played with this past year, a lot of young guys, a lot of fun."]

[Undisclosed location]

Tramonto: First we must agree on terms.


Peter King: Name your price.

Tramonto: $25,000 Starbucks gift card.

King: Outrageous. I won't go above 15.

Tramonto: 25

King: 15

Tramonto: 25

King: 15

Tramonto: 25

King: 15

Tramonto: 15

King: 25

Tramonto: It is a deal.

[King smiles]

King: Excellent. I need you to eliminate this one.

[Hands over photo]

[Tramonto drags on cigarette]

Tramonto: I see.

Of what interest is this man to you?

King: Yours is not to ask why, yours is to do and make him die!

[Exhales]

He is no one. His life merely is an obstacle to bringing back my Bretty Boy.

But show him mercy. Make it fast. He is, after all, a white quarterback playing for the Packers. His sin is only bestowed upon him by circumstance. Perhaps in another life, he could have been worthy of my admiration.

Tramonto: It is done.

[King laughs girlishly and begins clapping frantically]

Kill Kill Kill Championship: Bear vs. Bengal. WHO YA GOT?

At long last, your Kill Kill Kill Tournament comes down to a sadistic zookeeper's dream: Bengal versus Bear. Naturally, we'd be more than content than have the little ones have it out for our love. Take it away, tykes.

Rather, this will be settled in the arena of cereal, the last redoubt of bored slackers like us the world 'round. WHO YA GOT?


Bear
Pro:

- Worthy of extensive history of iconography
-Again, the Godless Killing Machine thing
- Judging from picture, clearly 'roiding
- Dutifully pays the bear tax

Con:
-No cereal makes your pee smell more than Golden Crisp.
-Get too many and it's like "A freaking country bear jamberoo"
-Weakness for honey pot
-Often confused for Logan Mankins




Tiger
Pro:

-Employs Tiger Style

-Exxon Tiger is bleeding me dry
-Tiger Uppercut most vicious, also fun to say
-Apparently has a boat (SO THAT'S WHY HE BEAT DOLPHIN!)
-Inspired excellent William Blake poem
-Less flamboyantly gay than Tigger


Con:
-Frosted Flakes soggy after negative two seconds in milk.
-Also cutting back on sugar to appear healthy. Fuck you. Back to Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs for me.
- Fearful symmetry too symmetrical
-Inspired annoying Comcast commercial

Ask Jay Cutler!

Jay Cutler, ever the font of priggish wisdom, has agreed to lend an ear to some readers' most pressing problems.

My mother died late last year. My father, who just retired 10 months ago, is now at loose ends. He was always really committed to work so he wasn't sure what to do with himself once he stopped with his job. My parents had a lot of travel plans set up together, but he's not going to follow through on those alone. And I don't think he's ready to start dating again. I really don't want to have him moping around the house, but it's hard for me to keep him company. My brother has a much closer bond with my dad but he moved across the country for work years ago. I'm close by but I still find it difficult to relate to him. I don't want him to be lonely but what can I do to help if we always feel like strangers to one another?

-Conflicted in Charlotte

I don't know.

I told my parents I'm inviting my new boyfriend over for Passover. They're very excited about meeting them, as we've been dating for some time, but they don't know he's not Jewish. They've always pressured me to marry someone who is Jewish and I feel like I'm making a mistake by making this revelation during such an important holiday. The thing is, we've already made plans to move in together. I know I should have said something earlier, but I've never agreed with their position and they've never given any indication that they are going to stray from it.

-So Hard to Jews

That sucks.

I've been happily married for eight years. My wife and I have sex once or twice a week. But I have a serious problem: I'm addicted to pornography.

I keep a stash of porn in a drawer at work. Three times a week, my lunch hour is spent jerking off in the handicapped stall of a public restroom. And that's only the beginning. I have a fetish for shit. An ideal experience for me is to save up my bowel movement until my lunch hour, go to my favorite restroom, and time it just right so that I empty my bowels right before the moment of ejaculation. An extra bonus is if someone arrives at one of the other stalls and takes a shit. The sound and smell of it excites me even more (I am definitely not gay). And once the person leaves, I finish with a head-shattering orgasm.

After a really good one, I sometimes smear my shit on the walls of the stall. I feel very disgusted afterward. I'm not hurting anyone, but this seems wrong. Should I talk to someone?

-Jackin' It in Jackson

Jesus. It's always something with you people.

Thanks Jay!

Kill Kill Kill Fighting Four: Viking vs. Bengal. WHO YA GOT?

By reaching the Final Four of the Kill Kill Kill Tournament, we've pretty much exhausted all available jokes and references for the mascots remaining. Trolling through the Sunday funnies yesterday, I found a good angle for our first semifinal contest. Hopefully The Comics Curmudgeon doesn't sue us.

Viking
Pro:
-Considerable longevity despite complete lack of humor
-Horrible, supposedly
-Stone-sized feet can deliver lethal blow
-Facial hair disturbing even to an animal


Con:
-Not sure what separates Vikings from the other warriors in the above comic
-Above comic not funny
-Not as horrible as shrewy wife
-Inexplicably wears white shirt under what appears to be a straw toga
-Sword awfully stubby, looks like made of cardboard
-Shield chipped


Bengal
Pros:
-Wry observations on human nature
-Established record of fooling humans
-Excellent pouncing ability
-Jolly

-Appears in actual good comic
-Access to a transmogrifier

Con:
-Only mobile when Calvin is around
-Named after philosopher (Pretentious!)
-causes scientific process to go boink
-Possibly gay for himself (Link is kinda NSFW)

The KSK Kill Kill Kill Fighting Four

After trudging through a pretty chalky procession through the first two rounds, we had two top seeds go down in the Elite 8. We're hoping to bring the Kill Kill Kill Tournament to a close by the midpoint of this week, because, well, with the actual tournament getting done tonight, it loses its already tenuous relevance in a hurry.

Construda Regional Final: No. 1 Viking vs. No. 6 Chief. WHO YA GOT?

The Chief has already withstood one battle against a band of seafaring marauders in addition to the anguish of killing one of his own. Now, it's back to the seafaring marauders, just this time they don't have guns. Apparently you voters have taken an about-face on the top seeds and Chief is the biggest underdog going into the round. Who advances to meet the TIGAH!?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted. Voting for this contest is closed. The Viking won with 61 percent of the vote.

Viking
Pro:
-In pairs, have amusing viral videos.
-Makes a nice refrigerator
-Again, probably named Leif
-Ragnarök an effective spell in Final Fantasy III

Con:
-Is Ralph Wiggum in Dreamland
-Just signed Gus Frerrote (Again!)
-Thor movie will probably suck
-Beloved by Drew
-Inspired the Nazis (probably all that blond hair)
-Rare breed of extinct white people



Chief
Pro:
-Leader
-Cigar store Indian very imposing
-slang for smoking weed
-Would like to clear up the myths about this scalping business
-Headdress distractingly flamboyant

Con:
-Leader of side that lost
-Defined by job title
-Can be used as patronizing term of affection
-Old
-Rain Dance of little use in this case
-Possibly named Chief-Loses-To-Viking

For Once It Wasn't Anton Chigurh

Shawne Merriman: Aw, fuck, again!? This is the second one that's been torched in the last few weeks. Can't be having this shit.

Dexter, man, you gotta help me out with this.

Dexter Morgan: Well, usually I only handle murders. This scene here, though, it's remarkably clean. Expertly done. Almost as though they're trying to send a message? But to whom?

Oh my God. There seems to be some sort of inscription here.

"Get hence, the hearse is at your door—the grim black stallions wait—
"They bear your clay to place to-day. Speed, lest ye come too late!
"Go back to Earth with lip unsealed—go back with open eye,
"And carry my word to the Sons of Men or ever ye come to die:
"That the sin they do by two and two they must pay for one by one,
"And . . . the God you took from a printed book be with you, Tomlinson!"

Okay. Okay. Before we jump to a quick conclusion here, I'd...

[Merriman charges off in a rage]

[Sigh] Just like my dad.

[Chargers training facility]

Tomlinson: What up, Shawne?

[Merriman slams him against locker]

Tomlinson: Aw, man, my threads, baby!

Merriman: Why make car go boom? Why make car two go boom?

Tomlinson: Your car? Shit. You think I did that? The fuck gave you that idea?

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!

LaKneeInjury, what've you done!? First you sabotage our team by being Gimpy Longstocking at the end of the year, now you go all Ralph Wiggum on our personal property? I have half an ACL to take this boot up your ass.

Is this how you thank one of our defensive stalwarts? Huh? Is it? Huh? FUCK YOU

And, hey, loogit what I found here in LaArsonist's locker:

Oh, howdy there, Professor Gas Can. What's that, teach? Holding a lecture on a practicums of SUV explosivity?

Think you're so secure now that Michael Turner's gone, you can go what you want, Viceroy Vizio? WELL YOU CAN'T, COCKBAG! I WON'T HAVE YOUR POWER GRAB!

Tomlinson: No, no, that's that mine. I've never seen that. I couldn't!

Rivers: Je accuse, LT! Je buttfucking accuse! Your visor can't hide your guilt, dammit!

Merriman: CRUSH KILL DESTROY

Norv Turner: [Entering] Hey, Phil, what'd you say you needed this vehicle registry for team members for?

Rivers: ...

Uhhhh

I

Ummm

[Throws down smoke bomb. It suspends in the air for about 25 seconds, taking a few loops, before gently touching down]

Rivers: Bwahahahaha!

Tomlinson: You wanna just go to his house and bang his wife?

Merriman: Sure, why not?

Homerism Regional Final: No. 1 Jet vs. No. 2 Bear. WHO YA GOT?

Bear:

Represented by the UCLA Bruin. If you're getting a little tired of UCLA winning, as it seems some are, you probably shouldn't vote for the Bear. Bruins also represent that Boston hockey team, and we know what you all think of Boston.

Stephen Colbert has made the bear out to be a "godless killing machine" and the label has caught on. Remember, though - his tongue is firmly planted in cheek as with all other things. The bear is actually quite devout and not very machine-like at all. They're actually pretty lazy creatures.


Jet:

Possesses "smart bombs" that frequently miss targets and kill hordes of civilians. Cost to taxpayer via ridiculously bloated Defense Department budget: a cool $30 million. Only as good as the person flying it, which could be Chad Pennington. F-22 Raptor (pictured) not designed as resistant to bear claws (pastry, nor actual claw).

Like Bear, is able to roll around and do tricks for the amusement of yokels. Unlike Bear, requires "Rock You Like a Hurricane" for production value. Also loses points for failure to bomb the galactically stupid self-aggrandizing dipshit Arianna Huffington.

Voting is closed on this contest. The Bear won with 52 percent of the vote.

The Elite 8 of Kill Kill Killers is Revealed

We're done with our internecine (pretentious!) fighting for now, and ready to get back to what's important: determining the most murderous of the mascots. We're down to the Elite Eight and have reached one overriding, indisputable conclusion: you people hate upsets. Other than the Chief in the Construda Region, there's not anything beyond a 1 or 2 seed to be found. We take it as a compliment to our seeding abilities, but shit - let's make this interesting.

J-Load Weighs His Grief

Think I'm finally getting a handle on all this grief weight. I know the founder of Popeyes isn't coming back, but he'd want us to soldier on in his memory.

And there are really so many fast food options, for all parts of the day. Heck, Taco Bell invented a whole new meal. A fourth meal.

I'm like Prufrock -- I can measure out my day in drivethroughs. But I'm thinking healthy now. Maybe I'll use one of those fancy innernet gizmos to map out my course of eating tomorrow. This time, I might even walk it.

Let me just sign in real quick.

Hey, what's this?

"Egg McMuffin inventor Herb Peterson dies"

Oh no.

Oh no no no.

[Eats handful of Funyuns]

Omm mom mom erm foom

J-Load Has His Own Stop-Loss

[Giants voluntary off-season workouts]



Trainer: Lorenzen! You've put on another 10 pounds. Jesus, son. The season ain't been over but a month and a half.

Lorenzen: [Entire chicken in mouth] Mmmpppharm aarrphumm eb fffajjmack

Eli Manning: Jared, I thought we agreed that you were gonna get more active this year. Y'know marking the 10th anniversary of the Subway Jared's dropping 245 pounds. Strahan even got the secret from him: eating Subway sandwiches while recuperating from gastric bypass surgery.

Lorenzen: Haarrfff faarrfff nnnarrfff

Manning: Okay, uh, please take the chicken out of your mouth.

[Removes chicken, then another behind it]

Lorenzen: But the founder of Popeyes just died! It's grief-related weight!

Manning: You do know the chain isn't going anywhere, right? It's a massive corporation with 1,800 locations in 20 countries. That guy probably wasn't even involved with it at the time of his death.

Lorenzen: It's not going away?

[Removes 12 biscuits from jacket and pants pockets, sheepishly places them on nearby table]

Manning: It can't keep going on like this. I know, with David Carr coming in, you've fallen to fourth on the depth chart. But after Carr and I declare our love with a white-gloved double-suicide, you'll be right behind Anthony Wright. You've got to be in game shape.

Lorenzen: Look: I'm incorporating extra movements into my daily routine like you said. I press at least three more buttons on the microwave than necessary. I took that flatscreen out of my fridge. I took the minifridge out of my nightstand. When I go to McDonald's with my lady, I make sure to eat at least three napkins for vitamins. Don't I, bacon bits?


Tamara Lorenzen: [mutters affirmative tone with chicken in mouth]

Lorenzen: I tried everything to deflect my mind from food. Really, I have.

Religion.


Art.


Even doting on our pets.


I tell you it don't work! I'm just destined to be fatty forever and ever. It's a curse I got to live with.

[Lorenzen sobs. Eli turns away in disgust, whereupon Lorenzen begins stuffing biscuits back in pocket]

Homerism Regional 2nd Round: No. 1 Jet vs. No. 5 Eagle. We Vote, You Defy

=

That's right. I'm calling this one even before the vote. I defy you to decide otherwise. Might as well advance the bracket already.

Voting (not that it matters) is opening through the rest of the day. Voting is closed on this contest. The Jet won with 54 percent of the vote.

Homerism Regional 2nd Round: No. 2 Bear vs. No. 3 Falcon. A SIDE-TO-SIDE COMPARISON OF SEMI-PERTINENT FACTS FROM WHICH YOU WILL DRAW A CONCLUSION

The second round gets underway with the pairing of the burly, savage bear and the speedy, diminutive falcon. Each has cut its teeth (or beak) in the arena of death, but only one can advance while the other is ground into hot dogs in time for Opening Day. A quick review follows.



Bear
Pro:
-Host of Gentle Ben!
-Climbs trees!
-Noted for prowess in America threatening
-Likeness featured on California flag
-Godless!
-Killing!
-Machine!


Con:
-Possibly hibernating
-Average bear not that smart. Sorry Yogi.
-Inability to kill Christopher Robin
-Polar version shills for Coke

Falcon
Pro:
-Can fly!
-Talons even sharper than Jew claw!
-Benefit of being a raptor without having to wear purple and live in Toronto
-Peregrine Falcon is fastest moving creature on Earth
-This:

Con:
-Diet typically consist of other birds, usually ones old people are feeding
-New kicker Jason Elam has them concentrating on killing religious radicals
-Just a fucking bird

Voting is closed on this contest. The Bear won with 79 percent of the vote.

Your Updated Kill Kill Kill Mascot Bracket

Through one week of tossing darts at the board, the majority of the top seeds remain. We had a tight race between Paul Brown and the Texan but otherwise the races haven't been anything resembling close. We're (okay, I'm) hoping at least that as the field winnows down, we will have a few closer tabulations, or, you know, the Steeler coming back somehow. UFFORD JOBBED HIM GODDAMMIT!

Yapcunt Regional: No. 3 Texan vs. No. 6 Brown. WHO YA GOT?

The specific and the abstract stare each other down, with former Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengal head coach and stadium namesake Paul Brown taking on a Texan, circa 1836-1845, when it was still a rugged frontier rather than a sprawling wasteland of high school football obsessed fat people.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. Paul Brown won with slightly over 50 percent of the vote, by a total margin of 12 votes, 718-706.

Contestants

Paul Brown_________Texan

Preferred game

Football_______Hold 'em

Has one

Life to live, which he already lived______Star on annoyingly omnipresent flag

Produced

Three NFL Championships_____Steers, queers

Interesting connections

Fired by Art Modell______Done by Debby

Sadly associated with

Unholy triumvirate: Browns, Bengals AND Ohio State___Texas, and extension, Mexico

Unfortunately sired

Mike Brown______LBJ, George W. Bush

Finishing move

Cursing Cleveland sports for eternity____Form a really fat militia

Molested by Jack Hanna Regional Tag Team Match: No. 4 Panther and No. 3 Jaguar vs. No. 5 Charger and No. 6 Colt. WHO YA GOT?

The Molested by Jack Hanna Region contains two large-predatory-cat-versus-horse pairings. In our desire not to have to write two poststo spice things up somewhat, we've decided to conflate the contests and make it a two-on-two, with both members of the winning team advancing in their bracket.

You're thinking, "hey - it was a lop-sided bout in favor of the cat in the first place, now it's decidedly in favor of two cats." Well you've got some attitude, mister.

One way to look at it is that cats are like women: territorial and not particularly fond of one another, unlikely to work toward a common goal. Misogynistic reading? Mostly likely. But I didn't make the rules. God did and He/She/It/Giant Spider is the greatest misogynist of them all. Then again, the cats are facing fucking horses. Who needs teamwork?

The poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. The Panther and Jaguar won with 78 percent of the vote.

Homerism Regional: No. 5 Eagle Vs. No. 4 Raven. WHO YA GOT?

According to Miwok mythology (whatever the fuck that is), the Raven done stole the Sun from the Eagle. Oh snap! GRUDGE MATCH GRUDGE MATCH!

Voting is closed. The Eagle won with 71 percent of the vote.

Gray Eagle had a beautiful daughter, and Raven fell in love with her. He was a snow-white bird, and as a such, he pleased Gray Eagle's daughter. She invited him to her father's longhouse.

When Raven saw the Sun, Moon and stars, and fresh water hanging on the sides of Eagle's lodge, he knew what he should do. He watched for his chance to seize them when no one was looking. He stole all of them, and a brand of fire also, and flew out of the longhouse through the smoke hole. As soon as Raven got outside he hung the Sun up in the sky. It made so much light that he was able to fly far out to an island in the middle of the ocean. When the Sun set, he fastened the Moon up in the sky and hung the stars around in different places. By this new light he kept on flying, carrying with him the fresh water and the brand of fire he had stolen.

He flew back over the land. When he had reached the right place, he dropped all the water he had stolen. It fell to the ground and there became the source of all the fresh-water streams and lakes in the world. Then Raven flew on, holding the brand of fire in his bill. The smoke from the fire blew back over his white feathers and made them black. When his bill began to burn, he had to drop the firebrand. It struck rocks and hid itself within them. That is why, if you strike two stones together, sparks of fire will drop out.

Raven's feathers never became white again after they were blackened by the smoke from the firebrand. That is why Raven is now a black bird.

Contestants

Eagle_______Raven

Evokes

America_________Death

Bragging rights

Bald eagles no longer endangered____Possibly the smartest bird

Ugly past

Sold munitions to Basque separatists______Stabbed oriole

Champion in the arts

John Ashcroft_________Edgar Allen Poe

Annoying pop culture namebearer

Eagle Eye Cherry__________Brooding former WCW wrestler

Finishing move

Building aerie out of dollar bills___Feasting on dead flesh, plentiful in Baltimore

Construda Regional 1st Round: No.4 Cowboy vs. No. 5 Patriot. WHO YA GOT?

At long last, we address the all-important middle seeds and a key NFL demographic: bellicose white guys with guns. Can the Cowboy's six-shooter make quick word of the summer soldier, found of standing in straight rows in the path of artillery or can the Patriot bayonet him in the dick faster than Horace Greeley told him to go west? WHO YA GOT? As always, poll is on the sidebar to the right and voting is open for the rest of the day. Voting is closed. The Cowboy won with 60 percent of the vote.

Contestants

Cowboy__________Patriot

Fueled by

Xenophobia_________Jingoism

Namesake for song from

Kid Rock________Company Flow

Hat

10 gallon_________Tri-corner

Secret shame

Forgot Alamo_______Didn't mind Stamp Tax

Handy with

Rope, cattle_______Periwig, chamber pot

Fights

Redskins_________Redcoats

Preferred epithet for blacks

Kneegrah________Daaahkie

Finishing move

Romanticize stupid profession___Write purposefully open-ended Constitution

Molested by Jack Hanna Regional 1st Round: No. 2 Bengal vs. No. 7 Dolphin. WHO YA GOT?

It's our first and possibly only land-based-versus-aquatic-based mammalian showdown. Somebody has to haul the water tank into the Octagon and that's no easy task. Thank goodness for illegal cheap well-compensated and duly represented labor.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open for roughly a day. Voting is closed on this contest. The Bengal won with 68 percent of the vote.

Contestants

Bengal tiger________Dolphin

Screwy offspring

Liger______Wholphin

Old-school video gaming reference

Great Tiger_____Ecco The Dolphin

Claim to fame

Largest species of cat_______Pfft. SECOND smartest mammal.

Known to occasionally prey on

Young Asian elephants_____Humans who think they're cute

Encourages you to

Fuck up people's laundry (Okay, that's a cheetah, but c'mon)____Give it fish

Finishing move

Jumping through flaming hoop, probably______Sex with fins for fun!

Molested by Jack Hanna Regional 1st Round: No. 1 Lion vs. No. 8 Ram. WHO YA GOT?

The second of our opening round contests pits the mascots of two beleaguered NFC franchises against one another. Only this time, the Lion is heavily favored to win for once.

As usual, the voting is open for a day and can be found on the sidebar to the right. Voting is closed for this contest. The Lion won with 86 percent of the vote.

Contestants

Lion______________Ram

Does their name describe their principal action?

Not really___________Most certainly

Setbacks

Not a fuck lion_________Having to listen to corny ewe jokes

Corporate sponsor

MGM______Dodge

Confused with

I don't know -- maybe some other regal animal you were thinking of___Random access memory

Bragging rights

King of rapidly depleting jungle_____Uncastrated, you bitch-ass sheep!

Down with the Jews?

Only the black ones________Only their horns (the ram's, not the Jew's)

Finishing move

Eating anyone who sings "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"__Killing anyone who says "Don't wanna butt heads over this."