As you all know and have mocked me about, the Steelers were eliminated last Saturday by the referees Jaguars, leaving me to fantasize of what might have been (getting blown out by New England).
The Steelers are also famously one of the few teams without a cheerleading squad, forcing me to the substitute this fine fictional one created by Virginia-based illustrator and Steelers fan, Robert Ullman. He also has one for Penguins fans.
It'll go nicely with this other line of self-delusional Terrible Towels.
Well, here it is: the final mock draft before the actual draft. We may discontinue this series, because they're a pain in the ass to write up and it wouldn't make any sense... or we may continue to write them, because they're fun and it wouldn't make any sense. Today: cartoon characters we want to bang. I'll let Drew explain the rules:
These are animated characters you get to have sex with. I believe UM wanted to forbid anime characters, which is fine with me since I don't know any.
Pretty complex, huh? Draft order went from tallest to shortest, as best as we can figure since we've never all been in the same room at the same time. I guess if we'd been thinking about it, we could have all gotten together for the draft, invited all of our blogging friends, had some kind of idiotic convention, then blogged about it. But you know what? That's a little too gay -- even for us. Anyway, we begin with the obvious:
1. Big Daddy Drew: Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Impossible body. Kathleen Turner's breathy voice. Hot stripper dress. And, if you go by this NSFW picture, the carpet matches the drapes. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" was released in 1988, when I was 12 and discovering the awesome power of my right hand. Critics loved the film's homage to animation. I loved the perfectly accentuated T&A. Advantage: Drew.
Somewhat of a cop-out, because she's more a fixture in the comics, but she made two brief cameos in the animated TV series, so technically it counts. Rogue is a tempting pick, but you wouldn't enjoy fucking her unless you had a full body condom on. Psylocke has a better body, anyway. 3. Captain Caveman: Cheetara, "Thundercats"
Oh, so it's weird that I want to have sex with a cat, is it? Well, blame Lorimar Telepictures for making Cheetara so fucking sexy. When this show was on, I didn't even know what sex was, and I wanted to have it with her. I hope she's not spayed.
I don't know how this broad fell to number 4. She's punny, she plays hockey, she has pink hair and yet hasn't put out any annoying pop albums. The only downside is that she works for an insurance company, so she's obviously incapable of orgasm.
5. flubby: Holly Would, Cool World
Total Jessica Rabbit ripoff, but one fine piece of animated ass nonetheless.
Upside: looks like Kim Basinger when she still had her fastball, but with an even bigger rack. Downside: offspring might turn out to be a thoughtless little pig.
6. Unsilent Majority: Lois Griffin, "Family Guy"
She's got a killer body (former model), she likes to get freaky ("HIT ME!"), and she's a total stoner.
A total reach.
7. UM: Tinkerbell ("full-size... or just shrink me down"), Peter Pan
That little fucking sexpot is hornier than pee wee at a double feature. Just look at that little outfit she wears, she's totally asking for it.
8. flub: Aeon Flux
I am now officially owning this draft.
9. MMP: Lara Croft, "Tomb Raider"
The icon. Adventurous. Violent. British.
This pick was something less than a foul, yet something more than a faux pas. Somehow the rest of us all understood inherently that video games were off limits, so we had a gentlemanly conversation about it and allowed MMP's pick with the understanding that no other video game characters were allowed (Drew: It's too easy to pick "GTA Hooker #24") and that MMP should escape without further sanctions (flub: The stigma of resorting to drafting video game characters is its own punishment).
Because I was an intelligent child, I thought this was one of the stupidest shows on television. However, I do believe Daphne was the first redhead I took a shine to, so she gets the nostalgic nod. It was either her or Ariel from The Little Mermaid, but c'mon: no one likes that fishy smell.
11. Xmas Ape: Amy Wong, "Futurama"
Cute, spunky, and attracted to dorky, ungainly men. Probably also skilled in Futuresex.
Eh. Leela's got the better body, if you don't mind the whole one-eye thing. It's never bothered me before.
And I've nailed down the curvy redhead double bill. Ufford is beyond jealous. I like that Avery reimagined the classic fairy tale as a bizarre, leering, interspecies sex cartoon. Perfect for a 5-year-old to watch. I'm sure it played no role in the fact that I masturbate twice daily.
I wouldn't go so far as to say "beyond jealous." Redheads are an essential part of sexual experience, but you wanna diversify your bonds, muthafucka.
Betty Boop is quite the butterface. Or more like a butterhead. It looks like two heads that were fused together in a half-assed manner. But she's got a fly body and she makes a great value pick here. I'll probably end up trading her for Lurleen Lumpkin and Apu's wife (and possibly the chick Apu nailed in the Kwik-E-Mart closet).
Either way, I'm more than happy with my Rabbit/Riding Hood threesome.
Wow. Two redheads and a chick without a nose. It's true: married people REALLY DO stop enjoying sex. 14. Xmas Ape: Foxxy Love, "Drawn Together"
Terrible show, but contained a few hot characters, between Foxxy and the princess. Foxxy is a total whore, so she wins.
A truly phenomenal pick. She's an actual fox that is somehow African-American. That really would have rounded out my stable of cartoon anthropomorphized animals to fuck. I'm jealous.
15. CC: Princess Allura, "Voltron"
Granted, she's fully human -- royalty, even! -- but that little mouse is always on her shoulder, and I'm sure we could find a use for that.
This pick is a direct result from an episode of Voltron (my favorite childhood cartoon, with the possible exception of Transformers. This was before I feared the coming robot wars) where Princess Allura, wearing a bikini, dives off a cliff and loses her bikini top. She surfaced separately from it, embarrassed. I believe I was 7 or 8 at the time, and up to that point I had no idea that that could happen in a cartoon.
Drew: That's an excellent pick. You know, no one remembers Tranzor Z. Probably because it sucked.
16. MMP: April O'Neil, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
Team MMP has its redhead.
17. flub: Betty Cooper from Archie comics, which was animated during the 1970s.
Betty was the inspiration for comic book uber-babe Cherry Poptart (who, sadly, has yet to be animated). 18. UM: The Baroness, "G.I. Joe"
Holy shit, I can't believe I get her with the last pick! This is what you might call the ultimate hate-fuck. She's an arrogant, spoiled, terrorist bitch but she's insanely hot and has a black leather fetish that would make Will Leitch's emo bangs recede like they belonged to Dan Steinberg.
Try not to think about his metaphors too much.
Here's our list of highly-rated free agents: Judy Jetson, Josie and and the Pussycats, the animated Samantha from "Bewitched," LuAnne Platter, White Debbie from "Sealab 2021," Minerva Mink from "Animaniacs" (another sexy animal!), pretty much every female character from the X-Men cartoon, Bugs Bunny when he dressed up as a chick (that one is Drew's choice), most of the female villains on the animated "Batman" series, Trixie from "Speedracer," and on and on ad nauseam. Betty Rubble was ruled ineligible because Rosie O'Donnell played her in the live-action film.
Your picks, as always, in the comments. Ladies, homos, and men comfortable with their sexuality are welcome to share their opinions on attractive cartoon males.
VY: "God gave Noah the rainbow sign. No more water, the fire next time."
ECA: I'm not quite sure what you're trying to tell me, sir. VY: Goddammit! Your ad says quote, buy, print. How many more quotes I have to give you?
ECA: Oh. [laughs] You misunderstood. It means you can log onto our web site, provide your pertinent personal information, get a price quote, buy a policy and print it out at home.
VY: I knew I shoulda gotten Jeff Fisher to do this. But his dialing hand is all worn out from the fist pumping.
ECA: Maybe you can explain to me what you're trying to do and I can refer you to the correct department.
VY: Okay. EA Sports just told me they're gonna put me on the cover of the next Madden game. Now, I love the Madden game. If books were like the Madden game, I would have read every book since NFL Proust Reading '92, with the fuzzy graphic words that get tackled as soon as they run into an opposing word. But bad shit always happens to people who get put on the cover so I need some Vince Young insurance.
ECA: Well, sir, we're an auto insurance company. We don't put policies out on athletes.
VY: Yeah, auto, as in automatic. Gimme some of that automatic insurance. ECA: That's auto as in automobile insurance.
VY: Fuck. I just talked to Mike Vick and he explained all the bad experiences he had being on the cover. Now he even insures his weed. Against fire damage, no less. I don't know how he found a company willing to do that. He was watching TV when we were on the phone and your commercial came on and he wanted me to call to ask if the girl from your commercials could save him from his evil robot coffee maker. And while I was at it, I should get some insurance.
ECA: I haven't the slightest idea how help you.
VY: Hmmm. Can I just talk to the cute pink haired girl? ECA: You mean Erin Esurance? She's a fictional mascot the company uses for advertising campaigns.
VY: Yeah, she's probably out on a classified mission or something. You tell her I liked that touchdown she scored against the blizzard robot. I'm gonna try that shit against Jacksonville.
ECA: I...uh...
VY: She's also had baseball and basketball commercials. That's one sporty chick. I bet she puts some baseball eye black around her snatch. I'd like to give her some of my patented sidearm delivery. KnawhaI'msayin'?
ECA:...
VY: You're right. My mechanics are kinda bad. That's why I did so bad on the Wonderlic. I tried to write all my answers on the side of the paper. Man, side of the paper is less than a millimeter thick. I must only got, like, five answers on there.
ECA: ...
VY: Anyway, you need to tell her to leave that mumbly caesar haircut-having white dude she's with. Then again, he's probably one of those smart-ass Herbs that girls hang around to cheat off on tests. Girls are clever like that.
ECA:... VY: All right, well, fuck this shit. I'll be fine. But I gotta run though. Albert Haynesworth wants to practice his stomping action on my throwing arm. Y'know, toughen that shit up.
