KSK Mock Draft: Pet Peeves

This week's draft is pet peeves we want ridden from the world.

Important note: PEOPLE CAN'T BE PET PEEVES. "Ugh, I hate it when people bite their nails." That's a pet peeve. "Ugh, I hate Jews." That would be racism.

With a nod to this McSweeney's piece, we went four rounds (and could have gone 70), so there's no additional commentary today.

ROUND 1

1. APE: Prefacing a demand or another question with a question

A favorite of women and relatives. "Can I ask you a question?" "Can you do me a favor?" I'm not signing onto something rhetorically without knowing what it is, so just fucking come out and say it. More bothersome is when someone asks you whether you plan on a certain course of action then demands you not do it. "Are you doing such and such today?" Yes. "Well, I really don't think you should."

2. MAJ: Answering the question "What do you want to do?" with "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

I asked you first, god damn it!

3. DREW: Chipped and/or ugly nail polish

I fucking hate dark nail polish on women. But worse than that, by far, is chipped nail polish. Fucking disgusting. I can't look at Britney Spears' fingers without wanting to throw up in a bucket. Buy some acetone, lady.

4. UFF: Multi-tasking while on your cell phone in public

There are so many things about cell phone use that bother the shit out of me that I had to make this intentionally vague. You're ordering something from Starbucks? Get off the fucking phone. Driving a car? Get off the fucking phone. Watching a movie at the theater? Why is your phone even on, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. You are NOT that important.

5. PUNTER: Groups of people that refuse to walk single file down the sidewalk when other people are coming.

You're not in a parade, and no one's filming you. MOVE!

6. FLUBBY: People who are waiting to turn left at an intersection controlled by a light, but refuse to scootch up into the intersection once the light turns green.

It prevents people who are behind them from turning right and increases the chance nobody will get through before the light changes. Even if you are a selfish prick like me who doesn't give a damn about anyone else, rolling forward into the intersection guarantees that you will make it through the light. Gaaah!! Just thinking about it makes me want to break stuff.

ROUND 2

7. FLUBBY: People who start a story or explanation with the word "basically."

Don't say it; it adds nothing to whatever you're saying and makes you sound like a damn fool. You might as well use a verbal pause like "duhhhhh" or "durrrrrr." If anything, when you hear the word "basically" you can be assured that the following story will not be just the basics, and will probably be some meadering bullshit you will tune out after about four seconds. Basically what I'm saying here is die is a fire, asshole.

8. PUNTER: People that dress slutty and then get pissed off when I start staring.

Somebody needs to explain this to me. If you don't want me looking at your tits, put them in an actual shirt, one that actually buttons up to at least your sternum. I'm gonna look. It's not a crime until I bend you over the sink in the ladies' room, and even then, you still have to say no.

9. UFF: People blocking others from walking up (or down) an escalator.

"Yay! These stairs move! Who cares that it's at one-fourth the pace of a physically fit human being? I'm tired." Then you best clear the fuck out of my way, fatty. I got places to be, specifically: Not-standing-still-on-an-escalator Town.

10. DREW: Not using your turn signal.

I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ESP. GIVE ME A GODDAMN HEADS UP.

11. MAJ: Arguing with children

Not only are children stupid, but they don't play by the established rules of arguing. Trying to reason with a child is like trying to masturbate when you're too drunk to stand up. Eventually you just realize that it isn't happening, so you might as well pass out.

12. APE: Homeless people who approach you with a spiel

"Oh, heyheyhey. You look like a good person. I'm in some trouble, can you help me out? I'm a veteran of six foreign wars trying to get on my feet. I just need money for the subway to get over to the Housing Department. If I don't get to the court by tomorrow, they're going to throw me in prison. Tell me, can you help me out?"

ROUND 3

13. APE: Greedy fucking homeless people

This happened in Georgetown a few months ago: I gave some dude busking on the street a dollar and he asked if I had a five or a ten. Like, really pressed me about it and almost got it my face. I was about to reel back and fucking hit him. Also annoying is when homeless people want specific change. "Hey thanks for the nickels and dimes, say, could I have a quarter instead?"

[NOTE: Technically, they're panhandlers. But the motherfuckers should still DIE.]

14. MAJ: Christmas

I'm not going to paste Maj's reasoning here, because that's an asshole pick. Hey, don't like Christmas? Move to Israel. See if you can get courtside tickets for the Wizards there.

15. DREW: Fucking up my takeout order

These days calling takeout means I have to sit on the phone with the person on the other end, who does not speak good English, and repeat my order at least two times, then asking them to repeat it back to me. And they STILL fuck it up, Panera being by far the worst perpetrator. DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE SHIT IN THEIR EARS? And they fucking put mayonnaise on my sandwich when I specifically said I didn't fucking want it. Is this England? Fuck you and fuck your fucking mayonnaise. Fuckhead.

16. UFF: Disturbing my peace on the subway

This includes teenagers attempting to blast tinny music from their Verizon phone, panhandlers, loud conversationalists, and people who wear headphones but listen to them so loudly that you can't help but hear their music. Just fucking sit there and zone out like the rest of us normal human beings.

17. PUNTER: People who don't RSVP

How are you so goddamn important that you can't give me some sort of notice? Yes, I'm coming. No, I'm not. Fuck your stupid poker night. It takes five fucking minutes.

18. FLUBBY: Good beer in frosted glasses

I'm hardly a beer snob; I drink too much overpriced Bud at sporting events to claim otherwise. But I absolutely hate it when I order a Sierra Nevada or whatnot at a bar and they serve it in a frosted glass. Look shithead, macro-brew American lager needs to be kept and consumed ice-cold otherwise it tastes like horse piss. Good beer does not. In fact, the cold glass takes away much of the taste. One time a bartender actually served me a Guinness in a frosted glass. I still hate that bastard.

FINAL ROUND

19. FLUBBY: The Miami Dolphins logo.

It's positively mystifying. Look at it, the dolphin is wearing a helmet with a big letter 'M' on it? Whose helmet is that? If it was a Miami Dolphins helmet, it would have another logo on the side, not a big orange 'M'. Just what exactly is this dolphin's problem? If that old bastards Shula and Buoniconti want to do something useful, they need to get off their asses and get to the bottom of this.

20. PUNTER: When I make a declarative statement about something, and then I'm IMMEDIATELY ASKED for my opinion about that something.

Her: Look at my new jacket.
Me: That looks great on you.
Her: Doesn't it look great on me?
Me: Yes, you deaf whore; I just said that.

21. UFF: "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon.

"I bet you think this song is about you, don't you? Don't you?" Of COURSE he thinks it's about him! How many of her boyfriends could possibly have horses winning at Saratoga? Oh, but HE'S vain because he's able to recognize personal details from his own life? What a fucking bitch.

22. DREW: The growing national pussification with regards to mildly inclement weather

It's particularly bad here in DC. I have a 40,000 word rant about this in my brain for later. All I'll say for now is that school was closed here in MD a month or two ago because it RAINED. That's it. People have been taught by local government and retard weathermen to freak out when they see a goddamn speck of sleet. It's fucking pathetic.

23. MAJ: Undecided voters

In our draft thread, Maj quoted four stanzas of Dante to let us know he doesn't like indecisive pussies.

24. APE: The phrase "Talk about..."

It's an aw-gosh broadcasting trope that makes zero sense and infuriates the bejesus out of me. "Talk about threading the needle!" That's not an exclamation. It's a request.

There are no fewer than 800,000 other things that also piss us off, but we'll stop the draft there so y'all can tell us about your gripes.

Construda Regional, Round 2: Cowboy Versus Viking -- WHO YA GOT?

This intriguing matchup places the generously-seeded #1 Viking against the #4 Cowboy. Winner will face the Chief in the next round, which has to motivate the Cowboy as he steps into the Octagon. Further hindering the morose Norseman: the realization that everything cool about Vikings -- horned helmets, skull cups, savage marauding, uncleanliness -- is all bullshit. Ouch. Drew didn't see that one coming.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting will remain open until the end of the day.

Contestants

Cowboy___________________Viking


Headwear that lives on at frat parties

Cowboy hat______________Helmet with horns


Attire co-opted by gay community

Chaps___________________________Fur


Projectile Weapons

Pistols, rifle____________Maybe a bow and arrow? Some rocks?


Musical endeavor diminishing tough reputation

"Rhinestone Cowboy"_____________VikingKittens.com


Bastardized icon shaming the legacy

Toby Keith ___________________Techno Viking


Rode

Horses with saddle___________Rape victims bareback


Cause of decline

Homophobia___________Christianity, feudal system


Became pussified when

Jake Gyllenhaal showed up___________Re-enactors adopted them


Modern negative connotation

George Bush's "cowboy diplomacy"___Shawne Merriman's "viking date rape"


Finishing move

Blaze of glory, ride off into sunset____Set town ablaze, sail off edge of earth

Yapcunt Regional: No. 4 Steeler versus No. 5 Bill -- WHO DO YOU HAVE AS MORE MACHO?

Before Pittsburgh became an outpost of urban blight on the edge of Appalachia, it was a bustling steel town that made the name Steeler synonymous with the town's muscular, blue-collar work force (as opposed to today's overweight unemployed force). The steelworker faces up against Buffalo Bill Cody, the Civil War vet, Western frontiersman, and pseudo-circus ringleader who inspired the name for Buffalo's football team for no better reason than it was a decent play on words. It's up to you to determine the winner... WHO DO YOU HAVE AS MORE MACHO?

#4 STEELER

Strengths

- Burly
- Square jaw can withstand punching
- Able to consume massive amounts of shitty beer
- Has hot stuff; coming through
- Might have a pipe or wrench or something, I don't know

Weaknesses

- Evolving global economy
- Techno music
- MEN!

#5 Buffalo Bill

Strengths

- Handy with a six-shooter
- Killed 4,280 bison in six 18 months. Fuck you, PETA!
- Background as cavalry scout lends to stealth
- Full name of Wild West show was "Buffalo Bill's Wild West and Congress of Rough Riders of the World," which isn't a strength per se, but c'mon. That's pretty fucking sexy.
- Only NFL mascot to be awarded the Medal of Honor

Weaknesses

- Indian-killing reputation marred by employing Sitting Bull
- Played Custer during reenactment of Battle of Little Big Horn
- Facial hair ridiculous even by 19th century standards
- Totally sold out, man

Vote on the sidebar to the right. Poll closes at the end of the day.

(All Buffalo Bill facts from Wikipedia)

I Don't Understand Why We Signed T.J. Duckett AND Julius Jones to Back Me Up

Guys, I think Julius Jones and T.J. Duckett are great players. I really do. And I like the way they fit into Seattle's offense -- T.J.'s a big back who has a disappointingly finesse style, while Julius has great field vision that needs outstanding run-blocking to have any kind of success. I plan to take them under my wing, you know, show them how to put those two styles together.

But I have to ask... is this really fair to Maurice Morris? He's obviously the odd man out in this equation. I talked to him earlier today, and he sounded excited about two men taking up his locker. I don't know why he'd be okay with switching teams at this point, but that's a sign that the team definitely signed two running backs to replace one. Right?

I mean, I even talked to Tiki. He assured me that these two free agent running backs are mere insurance for my inevitable Week 4 injury, and that the Seahawks will need my leadership on the sidelines until I come back in Week 8, stronger than ever. Then get injured again. Then play the final two weeks of the season. Maybe. The point is, if anyone knows that a team needs a veteran RB's leadership to succeed, it's Tiki!

Seahawks GM Tim Ruskell: Get out. You're fired.

Alexander: Fired?

Ruskell: No, I'm kidding! I just wanted to see how that would feel to say.

Alexander: Phew!

Ruskell: We gave you to the Raiders.

Alexander: You mean traded?

Ruskell: Are you kidding?! We couldn't get a prosciutto panini for your washed up ass. Although Al Davis sent us this nice Bo Jackson poster.

We're going to burn it in effigy the next time we play on Monday night and they run the clips of him destroying Bosworth and running into the tunnel.

Alexander: Oh. So... I guess I should--

Ruskell: Seriously, just get out. We'll mail you the contents of your locker.

Alexander: Oh.

(walks away dejected)

(falls down two yards before getting to door)

Kill Kill Kill: Tony Romo Runs in Vain from the Paparazzi

Two little mice, fell in a bucket of cream. The. First Mouse, quickly gave up, and drowned. The second mouse. Wouldn't quit. He... struggled, so hard. That eventually, he churned. That cream into butter. And crawled out.

Gentlemen. As of this moment, I am dropping. That. Second mouse? Into. A tank of piranha.

KSK Mock Draft: The Best Fruit for Your Deserted Island

Not every mock draft can be something awesome, you know. There are only so many variations of the theme "Breasts We'd Like to Touch" before things get stale and we have to mix things up. We crave intellectual stimulation, don't you know.

Earlier this week, we saw this image on XKCD...

...and it sparked surprisingly passionate responses from the crew -- "Cherries should be closer to difficult." "Green apples over red apples?" "I fucking HATE seeded grapes." Thus spawned quite possibly the lamest (and, ironically, most contentious) mock draft we've ever had: the fruit draft.

The scenario: You are on a deserted island. There is enough fish and local game to provide you with regular nourishment, but food is not so bountiful that you can enjoy a constant, sated comfort. However, you will have an unlimited amount of the fruit you draft -- and ONLY the fruit you draft -- to supplement your diet. You also have the necessary tools (knife or whatever) to eat your selected fruit. Per an inquiry from Drew, the presence or lack of alcohol on the island should not be part of a fruit's consideration. In addition, draft participants were asked in advance not to be a pain in the ass by ignoring the intent of the draft, namely by doing something clever like taking "honey crisp apple" once red apple and green apple were off the board, or selecting "Jeff Garcia" for a cheap, obvious laugh. Most of us followed these guidelines.

Two rounds. Serpentine order. Go.

1. Christmas Ape: Peaches

"I dislike melons to the point that they, especially cantaloupe, cause me to vomit after only a few bites. The coconut would be fun to throw, but seeing as how the island is deserted, that joy is lost. Leaving aside the Nic Cage Face/Off jokes, I can indeed eat a peach for hours."

2. flubby: Grapes

"Let me preface my first pick by commending Drew on picking one of the draft topics submitted to us by the AARP. What were the runners up? Favorite cast member of the Lawrence Welk Show? Favorite Maine lighthouses?"

flubby, of course, is the eldest member of KSK by half a decade, and is thus sensitive about these things. The lady doth protest too much, and all that.

3. Unsilent Majority: Peanuts

"I'll take the peanut. That along with a little George Washington Carver-esque creativity should make life pretty livable. And if not, I can always invent a boat powered by peanuts."

flub: A legume, NOT A FRUIT.

UM: IT'S ON THE LIST!

UM: [quoting something, probably another Wiki page] "A legume is a simple dry fruit which develops from a simple carpel and usually dehisces (opens along a seam) on two sides." blow me, lawboy

flub: Culinary fruits??? I thought this was open to botanical fruits only.

Things went on this way for a while. It devolved into smart-alecky one-liners, Simpsons quotes, and a preemptive ban on tomatoes and avocadoes, which led to more histrionics from the Maj, which led to the citation of Nix v. Hedden, the Supreme Court case that ruled that tomatoes were vegetables. Maj's devotion to picking ANYTHING BESIDES FRUIT in the fruit draft was actually kind of impressive.

After enough brow-beating, we finally got to this:

3. Unsilent Majority: Oranges

"so I don't get scuuuuurrrrvy."

4. Monday Morning Punter: Kiwi

Punter noted that the best way to eat kiwifruit is to cut it in half, then scoop out the good stuff with a spoon. So if you're still peeling them, get with the times, man.

5. Captain Caveman: Mangoes

A pain in the ass to eat, but absolutely delicious.

6. Big Daddy Drew: Bananas

"I eat one pretty much every day. Plus, they don't give me canker sores like oranges and citrus, and they keep my bowel movements nice and firm."

7. Drew: Lemons

The only thing Bart is teaching is guerilla combat in Shelbyville.

"If I have fish, I gotta have lemon. Plus if I find sugar cane I can make lemonade, which is just bitchin on a sunny day."

UM: and if i can find a gun i can shoot myself to avoid living in a world without legumes

A bit of reach on Drew's part, but I suppose he was drafting for need.

8. Caveman: Strawberries

CC: I was gonna go with the en vogue acai berry, but fresh strawberries are an excellent combination of taste and ease.

UM: strawberries and acai were the only things left on my board

9. Punter: açaí

UM: cuntblossom!

Punter: You fucking deserve it for being such a pain in the ass.

10. UM: Apples

"because this draft is gay, and i already have oranges. fuck it all."

11. flubby: square watermelons


12. Ape: Pineapple.

"I was looking at blueberries, which are nice to eat by the handful, but I think pineapple is a better complement to the peach. It also gives me something to while away some time on my deserted island."

Indeed. Welp, that was a pain in the ass and a waste of everyone's time. Same time next week?

Kill Kill Kill: Why Did the Gazelle Cross the River?

Oh no! That petite coed is trying to leave the frat party, but Jerramy Stevens and his friends are there!

Fictional Cheerleader Biography: Gina

Jets Flight Crew member Gina, like many of her teammates, is a Long Island native, from West Babylon, N.Y. She graduated from Nassau College with an associates degree in dance and also is licensed as a cosmetologist.

Gina currently works as a hairdresser and also teaches dance.

On a perfect night out, Gina would be “dancing with my loved ones” and “having fun!” She says one of her favorite hobbies is drawing and that "I love any art.”

Gina is very proud of her Italian heritage and lists “putting my shoes on the table” as one of her most unusual superstitions.

NOTE: Holy crap, that's her ACTUAL biography.

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Project Runway

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's the cast of Project Runway!

Tim Gunn: Sooooo... talk to me people. How we doing? Super Bowl picks?

Christian: Patriots by 13. This pick is too fabulous to be wrong. I'm too fabulous to be wrong.

God that was easy. What's taking everyone so long?

(/gets beaten to death by people who weren't homophobic until they saw him)

Gunn: Amazing. Fabulous. Jillian?

Jillian: I don't know. I just don't know if I have time to make this pick. I think the score will be tied at ten after the first quarter, then a Patriots touchdown on a Randy Moss catch-and-run give them the lead before both teams turn it over on consecutive possessions, and I know I want the final result to be a Giants win outright, but now I don't know if I'm going to have the time to finish this insanely detailed prediction. I'm not sure if this is going to work out. Maybe if I can glue some touchdowns on Plaxico? Oh God I hope this works.

Rami: I think Jillian's pick is really daring. She's just a really talented prognosicator.

(/eye-fucks Jillian)

Jillian: (/blushes and smiles)

Rami: I tried to make my pick a little more sophisticated. I mean, there's a history of Super Bowl blowouts when an excellent team faces an outmatched opponent from a weaker conference. Niners-Chargers in XXIX, Redskins-Broncos in XXII, Niners-Broncos in XXIV. So I like the Pats by 30.

(/eye-fucks Jillian more)

Gunn: I like it. Daring.

Elisa: I took a bath in vinegar once. It put me in touch with my soul.

Ricky: I...

(/begins crying)

I didn't think picking a winner would be... so... hard.

(/wipes tears from face)

(/wears stupid fucking hat)

Sweet P: ...Giants by 20?

Gunn: Oh no. Nonononononono. Sweet P. What. Are. You. Thinking?

Sweet P: I thought it's kind of hip...

Gunn: Hippity-dippity, more like. Make it work!

Sweet P: (/furiously reworks prediction)

(/new prediction still sucks)

Heidi Klum: Then we've reached our decision?

Patriots, you have won all of your 18 games so far this season. But your year was marred by a videotaping scandal that was completely unnecessary for a team of your talent. In addition, one of your key defensive players was suspended four games for using human growth hormone, and your fans are insufferable morons. We want you push the limits at Project Runway, but at times you have pushed them too far.

Giants, you've come a long way from where you started. The judges are impressed by your perseverance, but we're not sure you have the raw talent to survive a Super Bowl against a more talented, more experienced team with a far better coach.

(/dramatic pause)

Patriots, you're in. Giants, you're out. Auf Wiedersehen!

(/gets masturbated to)

Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Herschel Walker

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

(takes off cap, holds it in hands)

Shine ya shoes, guvna?

Righ', then. Jus' lemme get me brush an' I'll make them shoes like righ' mirrors, I will.

'Eaded to the cenner of the city, are ya? Me, I don' get ta leave the Bow Bells offen, workin 'ard as I do on this 'ere corner. Times are righ' tough fer honest blokes like you an' me. Nitty-gritty in these parts, but you know tha' already, sharp fella like yerself.

Golly, me! Didja lay yer eyes on that piece of brass? 'Ave you ever seen Bristols like tha'? I'd like to get me 'Ampton in her Berk, knowaddaImean? Why, she looked like tha' bird belongin' ta Tommy Brady. Ain't no one stoppin' the Pay-ree-uss this year, is there?

Well, then. There you are, guvna! Bright 'n shiny like a spring mornin.

An' to you, too, sir. I'll be sure ta place this on the Pats inna blow-ou'.

Answer: Not Bloody Likely

Three guesses as to who wins, and the first two don't count.

(Thanks, as usual, to the PCB)

Randy Moss Hit with Restraining Order, Chargers Look to Follow Suit

[Sunday]

[Ext. Gillette Stadium]

Tom Brady: La la la, getting off my private helicopter. Time to go to another Super Bowl. (whistles merry tune)

Mornin', Joe. How's the wife?

Security Guard: I'm sorry, Mr. Brady, but you can't come in.

Tom Brady: What do you mean? I have a game to play.

Security Guard: (holds up piece of paper) Restraining order here says you're not allowed within 500 yards of the San Diego Chargers defense.

Brady: WHAT? That's preposterous.

Security Guard: Something about (reads) "...offensive nature inhibits San Diego Chargers from peacefully and successfully running business operations."

Brady: "Offensive nature"?!? I'm the QUARTERBACK.

Security Guard: So then you see the logic.

Brady: NO! I don't see the logic! Who would do such a thing?!?

[door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!

KSKorrection: Mike Florio Less of a Twat Than Originally Reported

Yesterday, we made a mistake. We rushed to judgment in assuming that a rumored item featured on Pro Football Talk was incorrect. As we all know now, Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss did, indeed, get hit with a restraining order by a Florida woman.

Kissing Suzy Kolber regrets that PFT's Mike Florio is such a dickhead, causing us to prematurely jump at the possibility of his next fuck-up, whether it be Joe Theismann's death, Brett Favre's retirement, or some highfalutin tsk-tsk-ing at another blog just because his bitch ass got scooped.

But still, we apologize. We were wrong. Back to your regularly scheduled imagined conversations shortly.

It's Snowing! It's Snowing!

GUYS! Hey guys! I've got Brett Favre right next to me and now I'm about to talk to him! I used to try to TACKLE him, now I try to TALK to him. Ha ha ha ha. Huh.

Man it is really SNOWING down here! I don't know what it's like up there but down here it is SNOWING! And the SNOW is getting on the FIELD.

Whoa this snow is cold!

Guys, I asked around and some other guys are SHOVELING THE SNOW. Look at 'em go! Wheeee! Huh huh huh. WOW! How do they shovel in a straight line like that?

I'm gonna need a minute here, guys. Sometimes I need to catch my breath after I talk so much.

I wanna tell you, I tasted the snow, guys, and it tastes like WATER. REALLY COLD WATER. And dirt. But mostly water. You ever tasted dirt before? It's not that bad. I like hot dogs better, though.

Hey guys! GUYS! Look at me! The nice men gave me a ride in the snow plow! I sure do appreciate it. Otherwise I woulda had to walk across the field, and that's FAR.

Huh huh huh huh huh I made a snow angel! It's big, LIKE ME! AHHHHHHHHHH SNOW IN THE PANTS SNOW IN THE PANTS HELP ME CAMERA MAN! It's cold it's cold it's cold it's cold! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Back to you, Moose.

NFL Cheerleader Fictional Biography: Erin

This is Erin.

She likes Indianapolis because it feels so cosmopolitan.

Erin was a Pi Phi at Indiana before finishing her degree in marketing at a smaller college closer to home. This allowed her to spend more time with her high school boyfriend, whom she later learned cheated on her. Her voice trembles when she says that she doesn't regret her decision to leave IU.

Because she's the only remotely attractive woman on the Colts cheerleading squad, she tends to act like she's too good to talk to men who approach her. She never goes home with anyone on the first date, unless he has an expensive car and she happens to drink too much. If that happens, she's likely to cry after or (more likely) during coitus. If she doesn't cry after drinking too much and sleeping with someone, there is a one hundred per cent chance she will tell him that she loves him. The next day, she won't remember the admission, and a week later, she will wonder why he never called her back.

Erin can only have an orgasm through oral sex. Her rare performance of fellatio is marred by apathy and poor technique.

Her father left her mother when Erin was eight.

This Bye Week is Just What the Team Needed

Wade: Ahhhh, nothing quite as relaxing as a hard-earned bye. The players got a nice, light workout today, and I've got the assistants studying game film for any of the three teams we could face a week from Sunday. I think it's time I got to work on my New Year's resolution.

(gets on treadmill in office)

(begins jogging)

Phew! This is harder than I remember! Just gotta get in the groove... C'mon, Wade!

(door flies open)

Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! I thought I smelled pan drippings in here!

Wade: Oh... (panting) ... No.

Jerry: Get off that treadmill, Rosa Porks! Look at you. Your t-shirt's soaked with gravy!

Wade: Sir, that's my sweat. I'm trying to get healthier in the new year.

Jerry: The hell you are! You'll get a fucking heart attack when I TELL you to have a heart attack! Don't even think about freelancing on me!

Listen up, you disgusting food blister. You got more important things to be doing than marinating in your own juices.

Wade: Oh, no. What do I have to do now?

Jerry: That goddam Simpson whore tried to sink our season! I want YOU to make sure my boy ROMO doesn't invite her back to the stadium when we kill those Seattle faggots!

Wade: Sir, it's pretty unlikely we'll face the Seahawks.

Jerry: Who said anything about football, turdcurd? I'm inviting Schultz and Bezos for some golf this weekend, then Johnson's gonna blast their heads off when I give 'em a tour of the locker room! HOO WEE! Can you believe that?!? I'M CRAZY!!!

Wade: You hired Tank Johnson to murder two billionaires?

Jerry: HIRED? We already have that felon under contract, you goddam Hefty bag of Chunky soup! It's YOUR job to convince him when to do it!

Wade: And you don't want Jessica Simpson here with Romo when our defensive tackle is killing your enemies?

Jerry: I don't want her here EVER, Fatsy Cline! I want them broken up by the end of the week or I'm canceling your Christmas bonus! Say goodbye to your bag of jalapeno poppers!

Wade: Sir, how am I supposed to break up our quarterback and his girlfriend?

Jerry: Easy. Check out this cherry piece of ass!

Wade: Mr. Jones, that's my daughter.

Jerry: You bet your motherlard of a keister it is! That's why it's so perfect! You can set 'em up tomorrow!

Wade: Sir, I don't know if--

Jerry: Look at that little piece of Texas tail! She's got her momma's legs and her daddy's titties!

Wade: Sir!

Jerry: Now, ROMO likes 'em famous, so play up her new movie and tell him she's gonna win a damn Oscar. And tell her to play it fast and loose. I ain't gonna lose a Super Bowl because that slut didn't give him the full casting couch treatment.

Wade: What--?

Jerry: Don't act surprised, Peter Porker! Your daughter's been auditioning in LA for over a year! She's seen more wieners and batter than a Mayer-Butterworth wedding!

Wade: ...

Jerry: HOO HOO! I can't wait for my boy ROMO to dump a load of Arlington man chowder on her head! I want a full report on whether she can sit down the next day! And pencil me in for next Wednesday. Double-J needs his ashes hauled!

Wade: I hate this job.

Jerry: Wahoo! I'm gonna win it all this year thanks to that tramp's tangy little juicebox! You're my best hire ever, Billups!

Wade: Phillips.

Jerry: YAAAAHOOOO! ¡ARRIBA ARRIBA! ¡ÁNDALE! I AM FUCKING CRAZYYY!!!

It's the Little Things in Life

We didn't expect yesterday's post about uber-dipshit Joe Damato (seen above, left, in an artist's rendition) to go over so well. But, bless your adorable, shrunken hearts, you hated that bastard even more than we did.

That was a pleasant enough surprise, you hating him the way you did. But the blood diamond churned up by that post was the IMDb page of Joe D'Amato, who's an apostrophe and about 200 pornos away from being our Joe Damato. Please, enjoy this sampling from Mr. D'Amato's filmography:

Sperma Spende
Anal Perversions of Lolita... aka House of Anal Perversions
Raw and Naked
Sex Penitentiary
Robin Hood: Thief of Wives
120 Days of Anal
Homo Erectus... aka Jurassic Pork
Paprika... aka Anal Paprika... aka The Last Italian Whore
Some Like It Hard
Porno Holocaust
Blue Erotic Climax
Greedy Mouth
Erotic Nights of the Living Dead
The Smoking Cauldron of Virgins
Images in a Convent

Oh sure, laugh about Porno Holocaust. But you have no idea how many millions of sperm died during that genocide.

Speaking of sperm dying, I was looking for photos of NFL cheerleaders in Santa hats when my search was abruptly abandoned at this post at the Pro Cheerleaders Blog:

That's Robin. This is the PCB on Robin:

Robin is the most senior Charger Girl and though she may be long in the tooth, she still looks hot in the uniform and gives it all when performing. I think if all Charger Girls give that level of performance and commitment, they would have careers as long and illustrious as Robin’s.

Ah, I almost didn't realize this ancient hag was so close to menopause. I apologize. As recompense, here's fresh-faced and fresh-everythinged rookie Heather:

Merry Christmas, KSKers. As flubby noted below, things will be a little slower than usual next week, but we'll still get it up. Posts. Get posts up. On the blog.

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week -- Happy Holidays to our Readers

I had this "Christ, I hate Christmas shopping" rant cooking for this week's Meast, but it kept stalling right around the time I argued that I shouldn't have to buy my brother-in-law a gift because he gets to have sex with my sister.

It wasn't exactly brimming with Christmas cheer.

That rant stalled for a reason: my heart wasn't in it. Truth is, I love Christmas. Christmas is the tits and ass of holidays. I love the first snowfalls of the year, I love the ubiquitous smell of pine, I even love Christmas music. George Winston's "December" and a cozy fire in my fireplace give me a throbbing Yule log of a boner. Throw in the opportunity to drink hot booze -- Apple Jack, Irish coffee, Mexican coffee, hot buttered rum, hot toddies, microwaved beer, whatever -- and I'm almost in a good enough mood to give a freezing bum some spare change.

And you know what else? I truly like spending time with my family. Those people are okay. Especially when we're all tore up on hot booze and giving each other gifts. And sometimes those gifts are MORE booze! What a time to be alive!

Last year my parents got me a video iPod and a bottle of scotch. The scotch was gone in two weeks, but porn on your iPod is forever. And people try to tell me Christmas is more fun as a kid. Fuck that. I was sober all growing up.

So happy holidays, KSKers. All of you readers are like family in a way, from the drunk uncles to the cool guy dating some distant relative to the retarded nephews to the sexy cousin who you know you shouldn't be attracted to, but c'mon, you only see her like every other year, and it barely even feels like you're related at all.

...or so I'd imagine.

In keeping with the holiday theme, this week's Meast is Sage Rosenfels. He completed 75% of his passes and had 3 TDs and no picks in an impressive win over the... Bucs, if I remember correctly (last Sunday seems like a long time ago).

Was he really the meastiest guy on the field last week? Probably not, *COUGH* Patrick Kerney *COUGH* but the guy rose to the occasion during Hannukkah or Chanooka or however Sage's people are spelling it this year, and we thought we'd give him the nod to honor the holiday spirit of things.

Also, Unsilent Majority wanted a Jew to win. Here ya go, Maj. Merry Christmas.

Bobby Petrino Pens His Farewell: The First Draft

Click to enlargeAtlantaFalcons.com

[Bobby Petrino sits at his desk, scribbling on a yellow legal pad]

Dear Falcons,

Petrino: Hmmmm... no, that's not quite right. More formal.

Dear Atlanta Falcons Players,

Petrino: Closerrrrrr... [flicks pen once, quickly]

Dear Atlanta Falcons Players,

Petrino: Therrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre we go.

Out of my complete disdain speck for you, I am letting you know that, with great relief a heavy heart, I resigned today as Head Coach of the Atlanta Falcons. YAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Petrino: Becky! Get in here!

Becky: [from other room] What is it, Bob? I need to go pick up the kids.

Petrino: GET YOUR ASS IN HERE OR I WILL LEAVE YOU FOR THE FIRST PIECE OF ASS THAT LOOKS AT ME TWICE!!! And I sure as shit won't stress about writing you a letter!

[His wife enters room]

Petrino: That's my girl. Take a look at this letter. How'm I doing so far?

Becky: [looks] Well, you spelled "respect" wrong.

Petrino: Really? That's how DeAngelo says it.

Becky: Is the celebratory "yahoo" really necessary?

Petrino: Too much?

Becky: Well, you can write whatever you want. It's your team.

Petrino: Not anymore! I dropped them like a second-rate Big East team! YAHOOOOOOOO!!!!! We're Razorbacks now! C'mon, oink with me! (begins oinking)

Becky: Bob, you need to get that in the mailbox before two o'clock.

Petrino: (stops oinking) You used to be a lot more fun.

This decision was pretty easy and was made in the best interest of me and my family. Mostly me. Kinda my family. Then the folks at Arkansas. Then Falcons owner Arthur Blank. Then some of the people in Atlanta we were going to send Christmas cards to. But you guys were a solid sixth. And by solid I mean distant.

Petrino: Eh?

Becky: (shakes head)

Petrino: Oh, FINE.

This decision was pretty not easy and but was made in the best interest of me and my family. Mostly me. Kinda my family. Then the folks at Arkansas. Then Falcons owner Arthur Blank. Then some of the people in Atlanta we were going to send Christmas cards to. But you guys were a solid sixth. And by solid I mean distant.

Becky: Better.

Petrino: Anal better, or oral better?

Becky: Better better. Get back to work.

While my desire would have been to finish in my wife's ass, circumstances did not allow me to do so.

Becky: Oh, grow up.

While my desire would have been to finish in my wife's ass out what has been a difficult season for us all, circumstances did not allow me to do so. I appreciate all your hard work and wish you the best.

Insincerely,

Bobby Petrino

Becky: You realize you're a 46-year-old man who goes by "Bobby," right?

Petrino: (sighs) Yeah.

Guess I'll need to add my middle name if I wanna make it in Arkansas, huh?

Lousy Smarch Weather

It was the 13th hour of the 13th day of the 13th boner. We went to the doctor to see about some faulty Cialis

Holy shit, tomorrow's December? Thanksgiving was last week? Where the hell did my NFL season go?

The Bengals didn't even flirt with .500 and a playoff run before shitting the bed. Nobody wrote about the Madden Curse coming to fruition 500 times. I feel cheated.

But there's a little bit of the season left to enjoy. The Patriots have that whole "Will they do it?" thing going on, a couple teams will put together late playoff runs, and a handful of games will be played in the snow, and snow automatically makes any game the best game on TV.

The one bad thing about cold weather games? The cheerleaders get all bundled up and stand on the sidelines in ear warmers and windbreakers. It's like getting a handjob. You put up with it for a few minutes, then you're like, "Goddammit, don't bother."

That's why I applaud the Jets Flight Crew for pulling off cold weather sexy. You don't have to show skin if you keep the clothing tighter than the little girl from the DLP commercials with the elephant and mirrors and crap.

Bonus points for the name insinuating "stewardess"

Although there's still something to be said for football in warmer locales...