KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Keith Olbermann

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann!

As someone intimately familiar with both the worlds of sport and politics, I can say with only the utmost certainty that each is populated with the same villainous archetype: the furtive, pusillanimous but ultimately cocksure abusers of power bent on the realization of any goal, no matter how dastardly, at any cost, no matter how inimical.

By now, after seven years, we know it to be too true of this White House, controlled and cruelly engineered as it is by Vice President Dick Cheney.

[Shakes head in disgust]

But we find it all too evident in the NFL as well, purportedly a world of meritocracy, where only the truly great can achieve the ultimate prize, there underlies an ugly truth. As we were raised with the fiction that any man could grow up to be president, only those capable of backroom dealing and deception can be a Super Bowl champion.

This Patriots team - arrogating a persona which bespeaks liberty, valor and righteousness - in reality stands in a decided, calculated counterpoise. Have you no sense of decency, sirs? At long last, have you no decency?

Is it mere coincidence that the same man, Sen. Arlen Specter, who has taken a stand against George W. Bush on matters of overreaching on national security, has taken the NFL to task for its shameful decision to allow the Patriots to bend the rules with near impunity? It stands to reason that it is not.

[Shakes head in disgust]

Edward R. Murrow once said, "We can deny our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape responsibility for the result. There is no way for a citizen of a republic to abdicate his responsibilities. As a nation we have come into our full inheritance at a tender age. We proclaim ourselves, as indeed we are, the defenders of freedom, wherever it continues to exist in the world, but we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home."

See how that confers on me an air of gravitas? Quoting Murrow all the time? He was a beacon of journalistic integrity because he smoked a lot and had a really deep voice. Like the James Earl Jones of whities.

That is why I am calling for following:

The Giants of New York to score 27 points, one for each of the amendments to our nation's founding document, the lifeblood of democracy, for which a win by the Giants surely strikes a blow.

Similarly, those lowly, cowardly, would-be Patriots be held to no more than 10 points, mirroring the number of Commandments that they break with each passing day. I am a man of complexity. I know life is full of gradations and gray areas, but I know with every truth-seeking bone in my body that this team is nothing less than the full embodiment of evil.

And so good night, and good luck.

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Project Runway

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's the cast of Project Runway!

Tim Gunn: Sooooo... talk to me people. How we doing? Super Bowl picks?

Christian: Patriots by 13. This pick is too fabulous to be wrong. I'm too fabulous to be wrong.

God that was easy. What's taking everyone so long?

(/gets beaten to death by people who weren't homophobic until they saw him)

Gunn: Amazing. Fabulous. Jillian?

Jillian: I don't know. I just don't know if I have time to make this pick. I think the score will be tied at ten after the first quarter, then a Patriots touchdown on a Randy Moss catch-and-run give them the lead before both teams turn it over on consecutive possessions, and I know I want the final result to be a Giants win outright, but now I don't know if I'm going to have the time to finish this insanely detailed prediction. I'm not sure if this is going to work out. Maybe if I can glue some touchdowns on Plaxico? Oh God I hope this works.

Rami: I think Jillian's pick is really daring. She's just a really talented prognosicator.

(/eye-fucks Jillian)

Jillian: (/blushes and smiles)

Rami: I tried to make my pick a little more sophisticated. I mean, there's a history of Super Bowl blowouts when an excellent team faces an outmatched opponent from a weaker conference. Niners-Chargers in XXIX, Redskins-Broncos in XXII, Niners-Broncos in XXIV. So I like the Pats by 30.

(/eye-fucks Jillian more)

Gunn: I like it. Daring.

Elisa: I took a bath in vinegar once. It put me in touch with my soul.

Ricky: I...

(/begins crying)

I didn't think picking a winner would be... so... hard.

(/wipes tears from face)

(/wears stupid fucking hat)

Sweet P: ...Giants by 20?

Gunn: Oh no. Nonononononono. Sweet P. What. Are. You. Thinking?

Sweet P: I thought it's kind of hip...

Gunn: Hippity-dippity, more like. Make it work!

Sweet P: (/furiously reworks prediction)

(/new prediction still sucks)

Heidi Klum: Then we've reached our decision?

Patriots, you have won all of your 18 games so far this season. But your year was marred by a videotaping scandal that was completely unnecessary for a team of your talent. In addition, one of your key defensive players was suspended four games for using human growth hormone, and your fans are insufferable morons. We want you push the limits at Project Runway, but at times you have pushed them too far.

Giants, you've come a long way from where you started. The judges are impressed by your perseverance, but we're not sure you have the raw talent to survive a Super Bowl against a more talented, more experienced team with a far better coach.

(/dramatic pause)

Patriots, you're in. Giants, you're out. Auf Wiedersehen!

(/gets masturbated to)

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Jennifer Love Hewitt

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Can I just say something? I'd like to say something about all the comments that have been made about my body? I don't care if you said it or not. I know you were thinking it. Oh, trust me, I know.

You know, it's not like all of YOU are perfect, okay? I mean, New England is almost perfect, but that doesn't make them RIGHT! There are a lot of teams right now struggling with their identity, okay? And just because you FREEKS are masturbating to people besides me is no reason for you to...I just (sobs)...you guys are just so mean...I just...I know it's big down there...I've tried pilates...I've tried Jenny Craig...it's just really (sobs)...it's hard for me...Valerie Bertinelli makes it look so easy...(sobs) Can I get a tissue please? ...Can someone...will someone bring me a goddamn tissue? ...I just don't...HEY WILL ONE OF YOU GET ME A FUCKING TISSUE?!?!

Valerie, if you so much as pass me on the street I will fucking kill you. You perky little bitch. "Oooh, look at me! I lost all this weight! It's so easy!" Go fall down a goddamn well, you Paisan whore! Kirstie Alley and I are going to eat you like a pack of wild boars! Nobody crosses J-LOVE! NEVE CAMPBELL TRIED THAT SHIT AND HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HER LATELY? NO I GUESS NOT SO SHUT IT! YOU MAKE ME TOUCH YOUR HANDS FOR STUPID REASONS! BITCH!

So, next time guys? Just be cool, okay? Hee-hee. That was a real laugh, I swear.

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Det. James "Jimmy" McNulty

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, Baltimore City detective, Jimmy McNulty:

A lot of chatter in the Eastern saying something's going on with this Patriots and Giants meetup. Know anything about that? These are two crews that just had a some beef not too long ago. Repping different areas though. Doesn't make sense.

[Sighs] Fuckin' A.

[Takes quick pull of Jameson bottle]

We're just sitting rubbing our dicks together while we could be doing some real police work. Just don't have the backing to come down on these things anymore. If city hall got its shit together, we could have men down on every corner making picks. As it stands, don't no one in this town have any idea what's going on.


[Downs eight shots of Jameson, licks a strange woman's butthole]

Fucking chain of command. You know, you pull all these wins out of the vacants and what? We make a little noise, it gooses the stats, but it's not enough to make Carcetti really give a shit, not with the ass-pounding he's taking on the schools issue. But if we can make it look like one team, say the Patriots, got all these in a row, eighteen and fucking oh, ain't no way they can dodge all that attention. Undefeated team? Shit, you'll get national press in here. All's we gotta do is create a pattern.

Bunk: Nah. Naaaaahhhhh. Ain't gonna have no part a' this shit, Jimmy. Man's gotta live by a code. You can do this shit, but you do it alone. Hell, everybody know Giants ain't got shit anyway.

[McNulty drinks flowerpot full of Jameson, staggers off bar stool]

What the fuck did I do?

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Gilbert Gottfried

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Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Herschel Walker

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

(takes off cap, holds it in hands)

Shine ya shoes, guvna?

Righ', then. Jus' lemme get me brush an' I'll make them shoes like righ' mirrors, I will.

'Eaded to the cenner of the city, are ya? Me, I don' get ta leave the Bow Bells offen, workin 'ard as I do on this 'ere corner. Times are righ' tough fer honest blokes like you an' me. Nitty-gritty in these parts, but you know tha' already, sharp fella like yerself.

Golly, me! Didja lay yer eyes on that piece of brass? 'Ave you ever seen Bristols like tha'? I'd like to get me 'Ampton in her Berk, knowaddaImean? Why, she looked like tha' bird belongin' ta Tommy Brady. Ain't no one stoppin' the Pay-ree-uss this year, is there?

Well, then. There you are, guvna! Bright 'n shiny like a spring mornin.

An' to you, too, sir. I'll be sure ta place this on the Pats inna blow-ou'.

KSK Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Herschel Walker

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

Yaarrrrr!

Swoggle me eyes, bilge rat!

A more pathetic sight mine eyes have not 'ere to alight upon. Have we a contest of a bunch of musket-totin' freedom lovers and some scurvy overgrown lads from the Port of Jersey? Squaring off in a climate as dry as a witch's tit?

'Tis no place for a piratical dog such as myself. Narrrrr. Narrrrrr.

I'd sooner find meself wading through the briny deep staring down at the Spanish Armada. But if it's a pick ye demands, lay the doubloon line a little higher, and talk we might.

Yaarrrrr.

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Dan Steinberg

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's the Washington Post's Dan Steinberg!



This is dumb, I don't even know what I'm doing here. I certainly never thought of myself as a "celebrity" and I'm not sure why anyone would even care what I think about the Super Bowl. Even I don't care what I think about the game, so why should you? Whatever.

Can you believe that the Post is sending me out there for over a week? What am I supposed to do with myself? Can you imagine something so tedious as to spend media day trying to convince Eli Manning that his favorite cheese can't be Velveeta? Hopefully somebody will have a funny shape shaved into their head, otherwise I might be relegated to writing about actual sports.

I don't even like football. My preferences skew towards more genteel competitions like curling and competitive botany, so I can't tell you who is going to win with any certainty.

The region of New England offers a wide array of artisanal cheeses, and I do enjoy a good Cabot cheddar. So if I'm forced to choose, I guess I'll side with the Patriots.

Woe is me.

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Tom Cruise

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Next up, former movie star Tom Cruise!

We are the authorities on football. We are the authorities between the 20s and in the redzone. We are the authorities on eliminating careless penalties. We can ice kickers. We can bring pressure from the outside and cover spreads. That once you know these tools and you know that they work, it's not good enough that I'm just doing okay.

Have you ever met one? A QB?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Being a Scientologist, when you look at a game on paper, it's not like anyone else, it's, you look at the matchups, you know you can see what happens with a clairvoyance THAT IS STUNNING. You know you are the only one who can really pick. That's what drives me.

Earlier this season, when I was sitting in DS's luxury box at FEF, I peaked up from reading my copy of KSW. These, these Giants, a team hopelessly behind at the intermission had regained the lead. I saw how they improved conditions. They were, like, man, you're either in or you're out. That spectatorism, I've no time for it. That is something we have no time for now.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Giants. Patriots. PTSPs. One day they'll just read about them in the history books. I just go through that tech, literally. It's not how to run an offense. It's how to shatter or confront oppression. You apply it, then boom. Madden taught me that.

We have the ability to create that new reality. Where we can pick games regardless of score. We can shatter that oppression, those QBs. Let's get it done. Let's get it really done.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: The Cloverfield Monster

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Next up, the Gotham-smashing star of Cloverfield.

RAAAWWWWRRRR SMASSHH!!!!

ANGRY!!!! I AM NOT GODZILLA!!!!

GIANTS BY FOUR!!!!!

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Michael Cera

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Next up, actor Michael Cera!

Hey, you know what might make, like, a really fun and kind of neat idea to have on this blog-site-thing?

Should I start? Go now? Okay, now. O-o-okay.

I could, uh, like, PICK the winner of the upcoming "Big Game." Or if I may, Super... Bowl. I can say Super Bowl, right? Will you get sued by the NFL? Will I? I generally like avoiding litigious situations, if at all in the, uh, realm of possibility. If not, just edit that part that. Can you edit this?

Ellen Page is gonna win an Oscar. It'll be like the Little Miss Sunshine girl last year. Cute and... and and HUGGABLE and lovable, but winning. A big huggable winnable star shining so bright.

Whuh. Okay, pick. Yes. Pick. Football. Okay.

What if I were to tell you, Giants 26, Patriots 22?

Call me crazy, but I really see something in that Eli. An ineffable undeniable something. Like, if he were a delicate leaf that's floating, like, floating in the air, and it gets caught under your windshield wiper but the leaf is stuck there and it moves in tandem with the wiper. Then you open your window a crack and try to fish it out with your arm, but you can't reach it and your car starts to swerve into oncoming traffic. So, yeah, Giants by four. Points, I mean.

I think Kevin Boss will win MVP, because I still have a Kevin Bass baseball card in the spokes of my 10-speed. From when he was on the Giants, no less!

Lord, I'm so cripplingly awkward.

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Stephen Hawking

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's noted physicist Stephen Hawking!

HELLO.

HOW

ARE

YOU?

TODAY.

I AM FINE.

MY

FAVORITE

TIME

OF THE YEAR

IS

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY.

MY

FAVORITE THING

ABOUT

FOOTBALL

IS

WATCHING

THE PASSES

AND

THINKING

ABOUT

SUCKING TOM BRADY'S COCK.

IF

I

WAS

SUCKING TOM BRADY'S COCK.

I WOULD LIKE TO

CHEW IN A CIRCULAR MOTION.

OR

I WOULD LIKE TO

LAY

NAKED

IN THE STREET

AND.

GET.

GANG-BANGED LIKE A HOOKER WHO OVERDOSED ON HEROIN.

IN.

MY ASS.

AND FACE.

I WOULD LIKE TO

PICK

THE GIANTS

TO WIN

BY

TWO

TOUCHDOWNS

THIRTY.

FIVE.

TO.

TWENTY.

ONE.

IF

[John Madden's voice] Brett Favre

WAS

IN.

THIS GAME.

I WOULD LIKE TO.

STILL.

BE.

SUCKING TOM BRADY'S COCK.

THANK YOU.

GOOD BYE.

KSK Celebrity Super Bowl Pick Bukkake: Barack Obama

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! First up, Democratic presidential candidate, BarryBarack Hussein Obama!

It is not merely a matter of the content of our determination, our will to succeed, but more importantly, how we have arrived at it. We stand here today, inspired, empowered and awed by the competitors who have wended their way through the gauntlet and now see that the mountaintop lies only within a day's footfall.

We see toughness, we see industry, we see resourcefulness. A firm grasp of fundamentals and an enlightened sense of the brand of whimsy that knows the rewards of risk. All these things are perceivable with the eyes of the present.

But we were not there when it was only hope and the will to change that catalyzed these magnificent charges to glory. The moment they choose hope over fear. Change over stagnation. Unity over division.

Media: OMG OMG OMG WE <3 YOU BARRY! MY COCK GRIP HAND IS WAY STRONG!

/swoonage

Obama: Now is the time to see that for those taking part in the grandest challenge the road ahead is all too conquerable by the twinned forces of hope and change. Tonight, we are one step closer to the vision of an America not hoping to change but changing to a hopeful future.

Media: [writing] Change. Hope. Change. Hope. Change. Hope.

yesyesyes GENIUS! What is it like to be the first changing hopeful candidate with a chance at the White House? Are you hopechangechangehopehopehopehope?

Obama: Listen: I, we, you did this -- you did this because you believed so deeply, so audacious in your hope, in the most American of ideas -- that in the face of impossible odds, people who love this country can change it. Of that much we can be hopeful.

Media: If I'm not mistaken - and I do apologize for the directness of my question - I believe the original question had to do with your expectations for the upcoming Super Bowl.


Oprah: Oh my goodness, hello! and hello! and hello! Oh my goodness, at last I'm here. Me! [Exhales] The Super Bowl, people. I mean, GET. OUT. Haven't you ever sat there at one of those parties and thought "Well, what exactly is this?" Is this one of Oprah's favorite things? Shouldn't we win stuff for watching? Shouldn't our shared cultural heritage consist of more Nicolas Sparks novels?

We are 300 million strong with our many colors and religions and languages. Many colors, religions and languages but one title game, one champion, one MVP. I'd like to tell you who that should be, so I can get to my bikram yoga class to hunt down more closeted gay men.

Usually, America is content for me to choose what they want for them, but the stubborn refusal of tradition requires us to sit through this charming spectacle. [Laughs winningly] Upending that chore is just some of the change that I'm mandating, er, suggesting here today.

Obama: But I really do want to focus on your question, because it's an important one. I believe the forces of change can foster hope but that there is no change without hope. If hope can jump to an early lead, they can possibly hold off the quick-strike capability of change. I know they say hope springs eternal and change is constant, but things never play out according to easy storylines in these contests.

If hope is indeed a powerful universal tool of human uplift, I'll say Hope 31, Change 23. If change is not an organic phenomenon easily effected by the hands of man like we hope it is, I can just as easily say Change 24, Hope 13. It can really go either way, I hope. Nonono, wait, let me change that.

Media: /pens fawning editorial