KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Project Runway

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's the cast of Project Runway!

Tim Gunn: Sooooo... talk to me people. How we doing? Super Bowl picks?

Christian: Patriots by 13. This pick is too fabulous to be wrong. I'm too fabulous to be wrong.

God that was easy. What's taking everyone so long?

(/gets beaten to death by people who weren't homophobic until they saw him)

Gunn: Amazing. Fabulous. Jillian?

Jillian: I don't know. I just don't know if I have time to make this pick. I think the score will be tied at ten after the first quarter, then a Patriots touchdown on a Randy Moss catch-and-run give them the lead before both teams turn it over on consecutive possessions, and I know I want the final result to be a Giants win outright, but now I don't know if I'm going to have the time to finish this insanely detailed prediction. I'm not sure if this is going to work out. Maybe if I can glue some touchdowns on Plaxico? Oh God I hope this works.

Rami: I think Jillian's pick is really daring. She's just a really talented prognosicator.

(/eye-fucks Jillian)

Jillian: (/blushes and smiles)

Rami: I tried to make my pick a little more sophisticated. I mean, there's a history of Super Bowl blowouts when an excellent team faces an outmatched opponent from a weaker conference. Niners-Chargers in XXIX, Redskins-Broncos in XXII, Niners-Broncos in XXIV. So I like the Pats by 30.

(/eye-fucks Jillian more)

Gunn: I like it. Daring.

Elisa: I took a bath in vinegar once. It put me in touch with my soul.

Ricky: I...

(/begins crying)

I didn't think picking a winner would be... so... hard.

(/wipes tears from face)

(/wears stupid fucking hat)

Sweet P: ...Giants by 20?

Gunn: Oh no. Nonononononono. Sweet P. What. Are. You. Thinking?

Sweet P: I thought it's kind of hip...

Gunn: Hippity-dippity, more like. Make it work!

Sweet P: (/furiously reworks prediction)

(/new prediction still sucks)

Heidi Klum: Then we've reached our decision?

Patriots, you have won all of your 18 games so far this season. But your year was marred by a videotaping scandal that was completely unnecessary for a team of your talent. In addition, one of your key defensive players was suspended four games for using human growth hormone, and your fans are insufferable morons. We want you push the limits at Project Runway, but at times you have pushed them too far.

Giants, you've come a long way from where you started. The judges are impressed by your perseverance, but we're not sure you have the raw talent to survive a Super Bowl against a more talented, more experienced team with a far better coach.

(/dramatic pause)

Patriots, you're in. Giants, you're out. Auf Wiedersehen!

(/gets masturbated to)

KSK Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Michael Vick!

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, Inmate #34590874598 in the Federal penal system, Michael Vick!

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Holy shit.

This jenkem, this is the strongest shit I’ve ever done. And when I say “shit”, I mean it literally! How’s that next batch cookin’ up, Pookie?


Pookie: It’s goin’ good!!!!

Vick: I gotta pick this Super Bowl game and shit. Who do I pick, Pookie?

Pookie: I dunno, MV7. You gotta write that shit down and give it to Loop down the hall. He’ll set you up.

Vick: Shit. I guess I’ll pick the Giants. How do you spell Giants, Pookie?

Pookie: G-I-A…

Vick: Whoa whoa whoa. Hold up. Slow down. Go back to the beginnin’. How do you spell G?

Pookie: Uh…

Vick: (crumples up the paper) Man, fuck this shit. Let me get my nose in some more of that doodoo.


Vick: (sniffs) Oh yeah. That'll do, doodoo.

Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Herschel Walker

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

(takes off cap, holds it in hands)

Shine ya shoes, guvna?

Righ', then. Jus' lemme get me brush an' I'll make them shoes like righ' mirrors, I will.

'Eaded to the cenner of the city, are ya? Me, I don' get ta leave the Bow Bells offen, workin 'ard as I do on this 'ere corner. Times are righ' tough fer honest blokes like you an' me. Nitty-gritty in these parts, but you know tha' already, sharp fella like yerself.

Golly, me! Didja lay yer eyes on that piece of brass? 'Ave you ever seen Bristols like tha'? I'd like to get me 'Ampton in her Berk, knowaddaImean? Why, she looked like tha' bird belongin' ta Tommy Brady. Ain't no one stoppin' the Pay-ree-uss this year, is there?

Well, then. There you are, guvna! Bright 'n shiny like a spring mornin.

An' to you, too, sir. I'll be sure ta place this on the Pats inna blow-ou'.

Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Herschel Walker

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

Football? I'm afraid of I've never heard of such a past-time. Is it anything like that rounders game General Doubleday's men played during their stops on the way to Antietam? As a young man in Illinois, I gained a bit of regional renown as a wrestler, but I know nothing of this game of which you speak.

Now, if you please, I must get back to the business of salving the wounds where our great Union was split in twain. This arduous task is complicated by the well-intended yet nonetheless vexing distractions of the First Lady. She insists upon viewing some bit of nonsense called "Our American Cousin" this evening. Enjoy your "Soup Or Bowl", as you call it.

Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Herschel Walker

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

Hey chief, you mind if I listen to radio while we drive? I love this Opie and Anthony. Very funny guys, yes? I'm glad you ask me about Superb Bowl. I drive cab for four year now and still very best customer is Mister Michael Strahan. He ride in cab and talk very nice to Zulfo. He ask if Zulfo have wife and ask about Bosnia. Big tipper is Mister Michael Strahan. We are going to LaGuardia, yes?

I see Tum Brady on television, I have men like him in cab every day. They too busy to talk to Zulfo. Talk on their cell phone all the time. They bad tipper. Zulfo does not like them and he does not like Tum Brady. He's not like Mister Michael Strahan. Zulfo says Patriots win game by many, many points.

KSK Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Herschel Walker

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, college football great turned author Herschel Walker

The surprise on your face is as plain as the harvest moon in the clear October sky. "Moses Stoltzfus, what do the Amish know of Foot Ball?," you may ask. During my rumspringa, Brownie Eli and I traveled by the bus to the city called "Dover" to satisfy our boyish curiosity about the English and the ways of their World. There we went to a merchant called Sears & Roebuck to see their collection of whetstones, as my family's saw had grown quite dull. There I was first introduced to the television and Patriot Foot Ball. The color and noise was simultaneously glorious and sinful! How that bawdy diversion inflamed the humours!

After my return to Hempfield, I could not chase the thoughts of Foot Ball from the corners of my consciousness lo these many years. I tell my dear Rebecca that the newspaper is a necessary worldly intrusion since it holds the schedule for the Farmers' Markets where we trade our bread for assorted sundries-- and verily this is so. But, when alone I pore over the newspaper for news of my beloved Patriots. Were that my team of oxen were as mighty as those known as Koppen and Light.

O, Brother Belichick! How your weatherbeaten visage reminds me that of my dear departed Mother. They say you are dishonest, but I would never shun thee. I eagerly await news of the outcome of this Super Bowl. I predict a Patriot victory and a bumper crop of squash.

KSK Celebrity Super Bowl Pick: Bill Murray

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, comedy legend and now serious actor Bill Murray!

Bill Murray: I guess…

(sighs)

(stares out window)

(looks up ruefully)

(sighs)

(looks at shoes)

(gives hangdog look)

(taps foot)

(sighs)

(gives rueful look)

(slumps shoulders)

(stares at watch)

(gives half snicker)

(sighs)

(exhales deeply)

(stares vacantly)

(sighs)

(sighs again)

Patriots… by… 10.

(falls asleep with eyes open)


Richard Roeper: Oh, my God. I LOVED this pick. This may be Bill Murray’s most masterful pick yet. It’s so understated. So minimalistic. So many actors try and communicate with words, or with non-verbal cues, or with movement of the facial muscles. But Bill communicates so much simply doing nothing at all, you know? Nothing is telegraphed. I could project any emotion onto him I please. He could be indifferent, or uncaring, or apathetic, or blasé, or bored, or disinterested, or detached, or listless. Just such a rich character.

This kind of performance is just so rare today. Too many people now try and "act" or "move". I also liked the fact that the pick had no story structure of any kind. No dramatic momentum at all. We’re always demanding things like “a plot” or “cohesion” or “conflict resolution”. But it’s nice to finally see someone not cave to such mainstream sensibilities. It’s a stunning, stunning piece of work. Oscar caliber, absolutely.

KSK Celebrity Guest NFL Analyst! The White Stripes!

Sometimes we at KSK have the good fortune of having a celebrity or two drop in to offer their insight on the NFL. Today, I’m pleased to welcome Jack White and Meg White of the White Stripes. Jack and Meg call themselves brother and sister. The media reports that they are actually a former married couple. The truth, of course, is that they are both.

Jack: I don’t understand this whole NFL thing. It just feels so brutish to me. Doesn’t it, Meg?

Meg: Yes. It does.

Jack: I mean, the whole thing just feeds into this disgusting male mentality that glorifies violence and menaces women. I find the male animal to be a horrible creature: shallow, depraved, and manipulative. Don’t you think, Meg?

Meg: Yes. I do.

Jack: That said, I do like those Detroit Lions. I think they’ll win this week. Don’t you, Meg?

Meg: Yes. I do.

Jack: Meg, what’s your favorite team?

Meg: Whatever your favorite team is, Jack.

Jack: Well, like I said, I like the Lions.

Meg: Then I like the Lions.

Jack: Meg, who’s your favorite player?

Meg: Whoever your favorite player is, Jack.

Jack: Mine is Ernie Sims

Meg: Then I like Ernie Sims.

Jack: Meg, you are the last true innocent creature left on the earth. I see in you the hope and brightness of a newborn child.

Meg: I see that, too.

Jack: You are my muse. Together, this artificial world cannot infiltrate the pureness of our friendship. Now take that brick over there and bash yourself in the head with it.

Meg: Okay.

(picks up brick and bashes herself in the head with it)

Jack: Now go wander out into that busy street for me.

Meg: Okay.

(wanders into busy street and is hit by a Cadillac)

Jack: Now I want you to stick yourself with this syringe I found on the beach.


Meg: Okay.

(sticks herself syringe he found on the beach)

Jack: Now I want you to sit over in the corner and watch me while I have sex with my new wife. And I want you to blow this dog while I do it.


Meg: Okay.

(sits over in the corner and watches while Jack has sex with his new wife. Blows dog)

Jack: I feel so inspired by your strength and courage, Meg. Let’s spend the next five minutes cutting an album with just two good songs and a shitload of half-assed ideas.

Meg: Okay.

(Five minutes pass. Album is produced with Jack playing all instruments including drums. Album is released. Gets a 9 from NME.)

Jack: Let us now have some candy.

Meg: Okay.

Jack: Actually, I’m just gonna go get some candy for myself. I’d like you to sit here and stare at this blank wall until I get back.

Meg: Okay.

(stares)