Halftime Opening Song: "Learning to Fly" vs. "American Girl" WHO YA GOT?

It's the duty of all Super Bowl organizers to find long-in-the-tooth, formerly respectable artists and make them play their most anodyne hits for the overexcited nitwits on the field and the bored drunk people at home. That didn't stop Prince from rocking shit last year, but how will Tom Petty fare? Got something upbeat? That's going in the playlist. Something about America, or at least has the words "America" or "American" in the title? You beat your hippie ass you're playing that. But which will be first? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

"Learning to Fly"_______"American Girl"

Recorded

1991_________1976

Song actually about

Drugs___________Girls from America who enjoy drugs

Length comparison

1.0 = .891

Present day use

Movie trailers__________Car commericials

Allmusic.com pretention

LtF: "It's pleasant but never really goes anywhere -- up or down -- but it's solid"

AG: "Guitarist Mike Campbell reels off a simple solo that develops into a rapid-fire arpeggio as the song makes its quick fade. It's over before it starts, really -- clean, simple, that's its appeal."

TV analyst mostly likely to dislike it

Bradshaw, who doesn't like learning___Joe Buck, who doesn't like girls

Finishing Move

Hairy nip slip______Playing some shitty single off a new album

KSK Celebrity Guest NFL Analyst! The White Stripes!

Sometimes we at KSK have the good fortune of having a celebrity or two drop in to offer their insight on the NFL. Today, I’m pleased to welcome Jack White and Meg White of the White Stripes. Jack and Meg call themselves brother and sister. The media reports that they are actually a former married couple. The truth, of course, is that they are both.

Jack: I don’t understand this whole NFL thing. It just feels so brutish to me. Doesn’t it, Meg?

Meg: Yes. It does.

Jack: I mean, the whole thing just feeds into this disgusting male mentality that glorifies violence and menaces women. I find the male animal to be a horrible creature: shallow, depraved, and manipulative. Don’t you think, Meg?

Meg: Yes. I do.

Jack: That said, I do like those Detroit Lions. I think they’ll win this week. Don’t you, Meg?

Meg: Yes. I do.

Jack: Meg, what’s your favorite team?

Meg: Whatever your favorite team is, Jack.

Jack: Well, like I said, I like the Lions.

Meg: Then I like the Lions.

Jack: Meg, who’s your favorite player?

Meg: Whoever your favorite player is, Jack.

Jack: Mine is Ernie Sims

Meg: Then I like Ernie Sims.

Jack: Meg, you are the last true innocent creature left on the earth. I see in you the hope and brightness of a newborn child.

Meg: I see that, too.

Jack: You are my muse. Together, this artificial world cannot infiltrate the pureness of our friendship. Now take that brick over there and bash yourself in the head with it.

Meg: Okay.

(picks up brick and bashes herself in the head with it)

Jack: Now go wander out into that busy street for me.

Meg: Okay.

(wanders into busy street and is hit by a Cadillac)

Jack: Now I want you to stick yourself with this syringe I found on the beach.


Meg: Okay.

(sticks herself syringe he found on the beach)

Jack: Now I want you to sit over in the corner and watch me while I have sex with my new wife. And I want you to blow this dog while I do it.


Meg: Okay.

(sits over in the corner and watches while Jack has sex with his new wife. Blows dog)

Jack: I feel so inspired by your strength and courage, Meg. Let’s spend the next five minutes cutting an album with just two good songs and a shitload of half-assed ideas.

Meg: Okay.

(Five minutes pass. Album is produced with Jack playing all instruments including drums. Album is released. Gets a 9 from NME.)

Jack: Let us now have some candy.

Meg: Okay.

Jack: Actually, I’m just gonna go get some candy for myself. I’d like you to sit here and stare at this blank wall until I get back.

Meg: Okay.

(stares)