The Sex Cannon Introduces The Bullet

Rex: Was it good for you, baby?

All I know is that it was good for me, and that's all I really give a shit about. Have a cigarette. I like to bring it right to the precipice before unloading deep in your territory. Rexy likes his erotic asphyxiation.

Don't act like you don't like it. Right, Devin?


Devin: Shit, yeah. You goddamn right. I like that shit. I run LONG for that pussy.

I go STRONG to the pussy.

I get ALONG with the pussy.

I sing a SONG about the pussy.

I do things WRONG to the pussy.

I eat dim sum in HONG KONG with the pussy.

I hit that pussy so fast it turn to glass. You ladies look out. The Bullet's comin' fast and hard at that ass.

Throwgasm!!!!!

I'm back, and I'm hornier than ever.

Look the fuck out, people. Hide your women and duct tape their vaginas shut. I got backload of seminal fluid that could flood Indonesia.

I’m Not Going Down Without A F--k!

Hold up. Wait a fucking second. What’s all this talk about Rex Grossman heading to the bench?! Do you see Rex Grossman walking to the bench? Do you see Lovie Smith calling for Brian Griese? Do you? DO YOU?!

Do you think I’m going to just sit idly by while some other jackass gets to throw my ball and take my audience? Do you really think Rex Fucking Grossman would just quietly accept his fate?! Do you think these eyes can’t tame a wild cougar?

Fuck that shit. I am not going down without a fuck.

You heard me. If you want to take my job, you’ll have to come and fuck the ever-loving shit out of me if you want to do it. Rex Grossman is no quitter. He will fuck and fuck and fuck until there’s no fuck left in him. That’s how he was born, that’s how he was raised, and that’s how he’ll die: fucking. If you think I’m going down without some serious hardcore, elbow-deep-in-your-butt gangbanging, you are sadly mistaken. I’m not backing down on this one. On the contrary. I am locked and loaded and ready to spray my salty jism all over this town if it means being able to do what I love most. I didn’t get this far not to fuck for what I believe in. I’m taking a stand. I’m holding my ground. And I’m fucking on it.

Think you can just waltz in here and tell the Sex Cannon what to do? Over my hard body. I fucked hard to get into this position. You're gonna have to come get it. Naked. With my penis inside you.

Want to put me down for good, Chicago? Just. Fucking. Bring. It. And don’t think I won’t get my shots in. I got a nut just waiting for your eye. This is gonna be tooth and nail. Ass and ball. Tit and clit. Cock and mouth. If I lose, so be it. But there’s still some sex left in this cannon. I’ll fuck to the end. This was sexy business. But now it’s sexy personal.

So prepare yourself. You’ve got one big fuck on your hands. I may be going down. On you. But I’m going down swinging. My dick.

1, 2, 3 FUCK!

The Sex Cannon is Dead; Long Live the Sex Cannon

Hello there. Those of you expecting an imagined monologue by Rex Grossman following last night's 15-33, 0 TD, 3 INT performance will be sorely disappointed. The Sex Cannon as envisioned by Big Daddy Drew is retired, killed off before the character became too rote and familiar (and thus unfunny).

But that doesn't mean that Grossman has stopped sucking spectacularly, which means that he still deserves our attention. So, in an ongoing effort to reward people who send us intelligent emails and NOT FUCKING BASEBALL BLOG POSTS WE DON'T DO LINK DUMPS YOU WHORES, we've decided to publish this fresh take on Rexy from John Krolik of Truth in a Bullet Fedora, who goes to USC but otherwise seems like an okay person. John writes:

I was originally going to humbly beseech all of you (as I'm sure many readers have), to start a campaign to save Rextacy, as his benching seems imminent at this point, and I don't know what I'd do without The Sex Cannon firing bolt after bolt of sexually-charged lightning every week.

But then I got to thinking: we should save Rex not just because we love his deviant ways and utter lack of caring for the shackles of quarterbacking or monogamy. We should save Rex because it's our duty as Americans. America is a country that runs on not giving a fuck, from the little things (oh, a kilometer is 1/10,000th of the distance from the equator to the North Pole? Fuck all of you, we're using miles because they kick ass.), to the more important things (You don't think it's a good idea for us to go to war? Try and stop us, faggots.) Rex plays quarterback like George Bush runs the country, and this is supposed to be America's game, isn't it? In fact, when you think about it, Rex's career path mirrors that of GWB's: Extreme initial skepticism and hatred from the intellectuals of the game/country, a brief period of redemption (post 9-11/the first half of last season), and then an utter blowup that made everyone say, "wow, we thought he sucked before, but now he REALLY sucks." (The Iraq War/The Super Bowl and this season.) We want our leaders to have balls; John Kerry and Peyton Manning can be as successful as they want through "doing things right," but at the end of the day we go "Yeah, but those guys are faggots."

Well, Rex is no faggot, and while I don't support George Bush, I think that Rex Grossman is America's quarterback. And I don't think he's going anywhere; people have been hating Bush since the beginning, but he's been running this motherfucker for 8 years when it's all said and done.

So, Gay Mafia, save Rex. It's your duty as Americans.

Pretty good, John. Thanks for your cogent argument and top-notch syntax. However, KSK's belief is that there is no need to save Rex. Even if he DOES get benched -- which Lovie Smith says ain't happenin' -- he will live on in our memories. NFL fans will always have a little bit of Rex in them.

By which I mean, we've all been inseminated.

The 2007 KSK Sex Cannon Cumslinging Project

Hello, there. Gentlemen. Ladies. Children, to whom I am more or less indifferent. I’m Rex Grossman. Also, known as The Sex Cannon Known As Rex Grossman. As you know, I play quarterback for the Chicago Bears. And, if I do say so myself, I look pretty fucking hot doing it.

Let me explain something to you Rexettes out there. I don’t wear an athletic supporter out there. I don’t. Too constrictive. My cock does not like being reigned in, and I am not one to go against the wishes of Dr. Death And His Satchel (that’s my nickname for the entire three-piece set). So, before every game, I put on a football belt with the hip pads laced through. Nothing else. Then, I walk in front of a full-length mirror and masturbate to myself masturbating. Then, and only then, do I put on my game pants. We wear white game pants at home. In HD, you can really see my enormous phalange about to burst out of the pant laces. God, it feels so fucking good. Excuse me for a moment.

/finds a woman, nails her

Much better. Anyway, I’m here to ask for your support. Lots of people (strictly men, I assure you) in the Chicago area have recently taken to criticizing me in public. I don’t really know what I did to deserve this. I took you people to a Super Bowl last year. And, thanks to me, Cook County experienced a record number of childbirths in the past year. That’s fucking production. If you don’t like it, fuck you in the nostril.

So what if I fumble a snap or two? Wouldn’t you? I gotta put my hands on Olin Kreutz’ kreutzpie every goddamn play. Yuck. It just feels faggity and wrong. I’ve told coach Smith on many occasions that the Cumslinger works only from the shotgun. But he doesn’t listen, man!

So I’m asking for your help. Are you a Bears a fan? Do you have season tickets? Are you attending a Bears game anywhere this year? Then I want to see a visible sign that you are a member of my Sexy Army. Bring signs. Hold them up. Make sure they say shit like:

-SEX CANNON
-REX IS THROWING IT DOWNFIELD
-DUMPOFF PASSES ARE FOR H---S
-REX UNLEASHES THE DRAGON
-SEXY REXY HAS THE DRAGON.
-REX IS IN THE SEXY BUSINESS.

Or get creative. I don’t care. I’m not a writer. I’m a fucker. Take pictures of your signage in the lot or at the stadium and send them to the lazy douches here at KSK. You’ll get your pics posted and you’ll get a free Sex Cannon t-shirt, a $2.50 value. If you manage to get your sign on live television, you’ll get two free t-shirts and a free fingerbanging, courtesy of yours truly.

You have your marching orders. Let’s light this candle.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

KSK Birthday Wishes From Rex Grossman!

What is this, like a kiddie birthday party? With cake and punch and all that shit? That’s cute. You guys gonna play Pin The Tail On Donkey? Sounds like fun.

Your party is fucking gay.

When I had my birthday, we rented out a warehouse in downtown Chicago. Then we filled it knee high with baby oil and flew in nothing but Penthouse Pets. Did I shoot frozen ropes of Rexjelly all night long? I did indeed. I taught all of those girls and that zebra what a good, hard boning is. I like to fuck. It feels good. We had a raw bar and Queens of The Stone Age played. I don’t see any of that here. It’s not even a real party. You’re just fucking nerds online. I bet your “party” consisted of you heading to the shitter to jerk off. Sounds like a blast. Are you wearing tuxes to work today?

Faggots.

Someone go deep. I wanna give my armcock a workout.

We're Bringing Sexy Back

Today is another special day here at KSK and I'm pleased be introducing you to the newest offerings in our line of haute-couteur. Earlier in the offseason we debuted the collection with the uber-exclusive Sex Cannon logo. Well after a long discussion with Rextacy himself I learned that multiple designs--like orgasms--are vastly supperior to the singular alternative. So brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen (mostly ladies) because we're unloading the goodness all over your chest.

'99 Draft Class

The single greatest crop of quarterbacks to ever hit the NFL Draft was supposed to make us forget all about Marino, Elway, and all the other old fuckers that we didn't like that much to begin with. At KSK we honor this mishapen menagerie of signal callers, even if a few of them are selling robot insurance at Leisureworld.

Truthfully I just made this shirt because I really wanted it for myself. I liked the way it came out so I decided to make it available to the general public. So here they are, three different styles of the ubiquitous Starting 5 shirt.

The five greats featured in their team color on lightweight coton flanked by the heavyweight t-shirt in black with gold and the ladies option. If you are looking for different colors or styles all you have to do is email me with your request, we're quite flexible.

Sexy Business

Are you sexy? Do you make said sexy work for you? Then you my friend are in the Sexy Business. Another homage to our favorite Sex Cannon this shirt sums up everything that is the cumslinger.












On the left is the sexy red ringer shirt for all the hipsters out there lookin' for love in all the sexy places. To the right we have the team color edition of said shirt; either way, you're ready to fuck.

But what about the ladies??? Oh don't worry about that, it's about time we spread the sexy downstairs.












Ah...combine the sublime hotness that is the hip hugging undergarment with the overt sexiness of KSK and you're guarnateed to attract some attention (especially if you're wearing nothing else).

Now all we need is some models! We tried putting them on Ape's cat but...uh...that didn't end well. So all you lady readers out there need to get your shit in gear! Free merchandise for the first piece of ass to send us that picture.

NEW UPDATE!

GET YOUR KSK GEAR RIGHT HERE!

Did Someone Say Bukkake?

Greetings from the lovely shores of Cancun, Mexico! Or should I say, hola?! As you can see, I’m currently enjoying my spring break. Many American college students have a spring break that lasts one or two weeks. Mine, on the other hand, lasts from March 21 to June 21. It’s not really a spring break. It’s just spring. And lemme tell ya, spring is a good time for fuckin’. Isn’t that right, Manny?

Manny: Si, Senor Rexy. Otra Tecate?

You’re goddamn right I’ll have another. Aaaaahhh!!! I am so fucking relaxed. Manny here is the best bartender Fat Tuesdays has ever employed. And I should know. I’ve met all of them! Now I know some of you Bears fans are concerned about what happened in the Super Bowl. But let me just say, that hasn’t bothered me in the slightest, so I see no reason why it should bother you! There’s still plenty of gun powder left in the ol’ Cannon, if you catch my drift. And if you don’t, I’m referring to the amount of semen in my cockbag. Ain’t that right, Manny?

Manny: Es muy grande, amigo.

Fuckin’ A. God, I love it down here! You should have seen the girl I took home last night. She had a big round ass, with a crack so deep, you just wanted to fill it with taco meat.

Manny: Bien comida, senor.

Muy bien, compadre. Some of you might be wondering what I’ve been doing to improve my game during my three-month stay down here. Let me tell you something, Rex Grossman doesn’t do minicamps. Okay? There’s nothing mini about what I do. I only do things that are large, throbbing, and have the potential to kill lesser men. But, to put you at ease, I assure you I’ve been thoroughly working the two most important muscles in my body: the Dragon, and ol’ Chief Riding Bull down below.

Every morning, I wake up at 11:59AM, fuck, and then head to the beach. Then, I play volleyball using ONLY MY RIGHT ARM for a solid fifteen minutes. After that, the ladies usually come flocking. It’s like the Axe Effect, only I don’t need the Axe. Fuck Axe. And fuck Tag. I get the ladies to come calling with my OWN musk, bitch. After that…

Manny: (laughs)

Yeah, you KNOW what happens next, don’t you, Manny?

Manny: CANNON FIRE, senor!

Hell, yeah! Slap me cinco, motherfucker! I told you my English would rub off on you! You know, I haven’t read the paper much lately. What’s goin’ on in the world, Manny?

Manny: Senor Imus es un cabron.

Don Imus? Pfft. He’s about as sexy as a pregnancy test. I heard they released our schedule. You got that?

Manny: Si. Si. El preseason, senor?

No, skip the preseason. That’s maricon shit.

Manny: Los Chargers?

With Norv Turner coaching? That’s a win.

Manny: Los Chiefs?

Versus Chief Riding Bull? That’s a win.

Manny: Los vaqueros?

Cowboys? That’s a win. I like reverse cowgirl fucking.

Manny: Los Lions?

Pfft. Win.

Manny: Los Packers?

Against Oldey McShitmypants? Win. I am that asshole's Bennie Blanco: younger, better, SEXIER. Remember Bennie Blanco, Manny?

Manny: Si. Era un badass. Los Vikings?

Win.

Manny: Los Eagles?

Win. Okay, okay, I’ve heard enough. They’re all fucking wins, Manny. I’mma plow through the league, then plow through the rest of Latin America. Sound good, amigo?

Manny: Viva el Cumslinger!

Long live me, indeed. See you in September, everybody!

Photoshop job courtesy of the incomparable twoeightnine

UPDATE: Want a "Viva el Cumslinger!" t-shirt? Of course you do.

KSK Brings Haute Couture to the Blogosphere

It's been a long time in the making but we have finally produced a garment worthy of your burial. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the debut of the hottest shit to hit the streets since the wifebeater.

The logo, courtesy of our own Monday Morning Punter, draws inspiration from Drew's staggering insights into the inner-workings of the NFL's greatest cumslinger/quarterback. It's simple, it's elegant, and it comes in a polo shirt so that you can bring some of the Sex Cannon to work. No way that new paralegal can resist all of that goodness, it's like Axe Body Spray without the horrible stench.

Keep in mind this is just the initial run. At some point in the near future we're going to cross the color barrier (Jackie Robinson sure made that look easy) so that we can offer the design on a wide array of fine fabrics. As soon as I solve the mystery of vector imaging we fully intend providing all of our lovely female readers with the sexiest undergarment this side of Jahidi White.

Stay tuned for further sexy goodness from the newly established label (if you'd like to join the Design a Logo for KSK contest send what you've got to the email address. by entering you waive all rights ownership rights to said logo and you agree to be mocked mercilously)

KSK: Clothing the Sexy since 2007
Powered by Spreadshirt

*The polo shirt runs about a size small. Either that or every other piece of clothing I own runs a size big.

**More options coming soon for the ladies out there. We're still trying to perfect our see-through fabrics.

Your Steve Irwin Memorial 2006/Very-Small-Portion-Of-2007 Meast Of The Year

What is this, like an internet honor? That’s what you guys do? Hang out on the internet? That’s cool. I like the internet. It’s got pictures of people fucking, and I like fucking. That’s all me.

You know, this offseason has given me a lot of time to think. Maybe it’s time I settled down and really learned my position. I gonna study tapes of all the great ones: Unitas, Montana, Elway, Salisbury – to figure out the nuances of proper NFL quarterbacking. I’m gonna learn to play within myself. I’m gonna learn to start winning games with my head, and not just my arm. It’s time for me to mature as a player. It’s time for me to mature AS A MAN.






Nah, I’m just fucking with you. I would never do that. That’s for queers like Manning.

Can you believe it? We get six months off! How fucking awesome is that? It would have been seven too if they didn’t make me work all January. Well, I’ve got some major league plans to fill all that time and lots of ladies with my ample manpaste. In fact, I even made myself a little list of everything I’d like to accomplish this offseason:

The Sex Cannon’s Goals For the 2007 Offseason

-Throw a Hutch ball 200 yards while masturbating
-Have a plaster cast made of my arm to recreate the “Anal Intruder” sex toy from Top Secret!
-Hey, didn’t we have a Mexican d-coordinator? Where did he go? He was gonna introduce me to his niece. I wanna nail her and then have her cook me some arroz con pollo.
-Learn to speak Mexican
-Stack two waterbed mattresses on top of one other. Fuck on that.
-Fuck on a trampoline
-Fuck on a rock
-Fuck on top of this 500-lb. guy I know named Jim
-Pose on the cover of SI for Kids. Make sure they retouch a comet tail onto the ball I’m throwing. That would be fucking sweet.
-Start children’s charity that teaches underaged kids both how to throw a football and make love like a wild boar
-Try wild boar
-Compose list of words that sound German but are not (example: fluffen: snow)
-Nail German chick
-Make sure her German boyfriend watches and cries
-Lease videotape collection to Orton
-Buy puppy. Fuck it.
-Design official KSK Sex Cannon t-shirt and put it on sale 3 months too late
-Go to gun shop. Tell them I don’t need any guns because I am already fully stocked. Throw a football in the clerk’s face
-Throw cup of warm semen into a NOW rally
-Learn guitar, because guys who rock the guitar get major league pussy
-Let the circus girl out her box. Feed her a Cheez-It
-Laugh out loud when the Bears draft Troy Smith in the second round
-Procreate with every last one of you

Meast of the Year Voting Breakdown:
Grossman: 19 votes
Sanders: 7
Merriman: 6
Prince: 5
LDT: 4
B. Scott: 3
L. Neal: 3
J. Taylor: 2
J. Brown: 2 (shame on you people)
Panthers D: 2 (and the one I’d vote for)
Bears D: 2
Pacman: 2
D. Williams: 2
Faneca: 1
85: 1
Josh Jeff Reed’s wang: 1
Cincinnati Police Department: 1
Me: 1
Eli Manning: 0