Molested by Jack Hanna Regional SemifinalsBengal vs. Jaguar & Lion vs. Panther

One thing is readily apparent from the results of the Kill, Kill, Kill bracket thus far: you bastards love the chalk. All four of the big cats-- like other high seeds-- sailed through the first round. Subtle attempts by fellow Mafia members to spur some upsets have been underwhelming at best. Accordingly, we are stepping up our efforts to subvert democracy.

2. Bengal vs. 3. Jaguar

The tiger you are voting on is Daniel Stripèd Tiger from Mister Roger's Neighborhood. He has some serious self-esteem issues and for some reason wears a watch even though he lives inside of a friggin' clock. His best friends are an alcoholic lesbian museum curator and a pompous owl who thinks he knows every goddam thing there is to know. Only a quivering nancy would vote for him.

The jaguar, on the other hand, is a Jaguar XF with three hot chicks hanging on it. If you don't vote for the Jag it means you don't like cars or girls. Enjoy your skateboard, fruit-loop.

1. Lion vs. 4. Panther

The lion you are voting on is Snagglepuss. Snagglepuss is a third-tier character from Hanna-Barbera. He never got his own show and his principal claim to fame is hosting the Laff-a-Lympics. Snagglepuss is without a doubt the most pathetic specimen in the annals of lion-dom (not counting, of course the Detroit Lions). If you love America, you will not vote for the lion.

The panther you are voting on is the one from L.L. Cool J's “Walking with a Panther” album cover. Pros: He wears a gold rope chain and keeps top secret shit in a Haliburton briefcase. Cons: Fuck you, what did you not understand about the gold rope chain??? If you don't vote for the panther, you are worthless in the eyes of your God, and should probably consider suicide.

Vote at the top of the right column. The poll closes at the end of the day. Voting is closed. The Bengals won with 56 percent of the vote and the Lion won with 54 percent.

It's About Damn Time These Baristas Got Their Ducks In A Row.

And not a moment too soon. I was growing weary of my tasty beverage alternative. Have you ever tried slurping whipped cream out of Keith Olbermann's asshole?

"Turn the machines back on! TURN THE MACHINES BACK ON!!!"

BWWWWHAAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Violet, you're turning violet !

Apparently at some point this past week, Tom Coughlin's head was switched with an eggplant. Should be a good second half.

Always Bet On the Snow Cock

Welcome to another Championship edition of Always Be Covering. After last year's spectacularly perfect wrongness the key word this week is redemption. I was 7-1 picking games in the playoffs up until this point a year ago when I took the points in both games. Of course my memories of the weekend are a bit blunted, but I bet it was like getting punched in the balls from the inside.

Well no more of that shit. This time I'm guaranteeing a Sunday sweep, or my name isn't [REDACTED]. Seriously, you can totally hold me to it. If I lose feel free to call me at 202-555-FAKE for a full refund on your wager.

On to the picks!

Teasing the Snow Cock Into An Ironclad Winner
Risking 50 to win 45.

Posing for pictures in Peter King's yard is an annual tradition in Montclair.

Green Bay -1.5 vs. New York
Green Bay and New York OVER 34.5

The only thing that gets Brett's cock harder than playing ball in single degree weather is a cocktail of Cialis and Vicodin followed up with a Mississippi Bear Claw. In contrast, the weather will be just cold enough to cause Elisha's testicles to retreat back into his abdomen.

There Will Be Douche
Risking 50 to win 45.

You can't let those fans out-douche me, I'm motherfucking the Marmalard!

New England -14 vs. San Diego

Marmalard and the biggest fairweather Massholes in New England in the same building? If you're watching in HD you should be able to see a miasma of toxic douchery hovering over Gillette Stadium. It will start small with an early Chargers touchdown (no thanks to Pip) but we all know how it will end. The Pats are going to win going away, so you may as well make some money while you're drinking yourself into a coma. With any luck you'll wake up after the bye week. If they win without covering you might as well forget about the other side of darkness.

May your Sunday be profitable and crapulous. Go forth and wager, my children.

Week 17 In Pictures Captions

Ed. Note: I don't care how LT spells his name.

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the WeekOh, Christmas Tree!

When I agreed to write this week's Meast post, I did so for one reason... to have a flimsy excuse to post the picture you see below. Veteran KSK readers may recall that this is the Rex Grossman-inspired bethonged Christmas tree that esteemed commenter Michigan Becky sent to us last year. As you can plainly see, Michigan Becky rocks the party. If you can decorate a tree anywhere close to this cool, we would love to see it.

Click picture for a better view. Go ahead, you deserve it.

Despite the fact that he is averaging over five yards a carry and is about to become the 17th leading rusher in league history, Fred Taylor was once again blue-balled by Pro Bowl voters. But now that Fast Cast Willie Parker is on the shelf with a broken leg, Taylor, as first alternate, will finally be making a trip to Honolulu. Fred's name used to be synonymous with season-ending injuries-- but this season he has been giving the big up-yours to all the simps like me that threw away first-round fantasy picks on Mojo Drew. Now, to top it all off, he is your Meast of the Week. Y'all give Fred some love.

Aloha, Mr. Hand.

We're going to be posting less frequently next week, but if you've been good boys and girls this weekend you might get a bourbon-fueled diatribe or two in your stocking. Ho fucking ho, baby.

NFL PostSecret Week 16: The Final Stretch of the Truth

It's an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren't making money off their pain. That's only for the league to do.


NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It's also a satire parody of this.

Holiday wonderment abounds...

I was utterly perplexed when I read this morning that Ray Lewis is, in fact, Jewish. Maj says it's utter bunk, but maybe he just doesn't want to claim God's linebacker. Nonetheless, it says so right on his Wikipedia bio-- so it must be true. Happy Hanukkah, Ray.

Jewish? Cool. But Ray as a mohel ? We think not.

NFL PostSecret Week 15: No Candor in December

It's an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren't making money off their pain. That's only for the league to do.


NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It's also a satire parody of this.

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 11:24 AM

But I only picked up the 5-yard powder!

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, December 9, 2007 8:08 PM

God's Team objects to the crass commercialization of our holiday.

It Would Be Funny If He Didn't Really Mean It

Oh Roddy, you are very very stupid. Mike Vick lied about slaughtering a bunch of dogs. Then he sort of admitted it. Then he lied about it again...on a polygraph. The guy plead to jail and that's where he belongs for now. Everybody knows this, even Mike fucking Vick knows this! All of this escaped Roddy, but this is nothing new. You should see the rest of Roddy's opinionated T-shirt collection!

Repeal Free Speech

End Suffrage Now!

George Wallace Was Right

More Land Mines

Give Eugenics a Chance

Cats Rule

Stalin Was Misunderstood

My Other T-Shirt Is Covered In Dog Blood

This Shirt Was Tested On Animals

Fur Is Murder...On My Bankroll

Vote For Pedro Lopez

Nixon '72

Andrea Yates Is My Homegirl

I Donate Dogs to Kill Shelters

Finishing What Barker Started

Imprison Tibet

Roddy, you must realize that Vick is not Nelson Mandela or Rubin Carter. His imprisonment is, you know, justified.

Check out our friend Chris Mottram's take over at his new digs, The Sporting Blogs.

Celebration Day: Zeppelin on stage, MNF

Only one of these beloved dinosaurs is getting boatloads of cash from the NFL & ESPN

Led Zeppelin's transcontinental renaissance kicks into high gear with their reunion concert tonight in London. While over on our side of the ocean, Zeppelin has inked a promotional deal with the NFL and ESPN. Which explains why you heard “Dazed and Confused” in the background on last Monday night while the referees were ass-raping the Ravens' defense with gusto.

When Unsilent Majority heard about Zeppelin's deal he expressed unbridled optimism that this arrangement might lead to to the band playing at half-time of the Super Bowl. Since Maj is the wide-eyed naif of our collective, he doesn't understand that Led Zeppelin doesn't play half-time shows. If anything, the Super Bowl should be played at intermission of a Led Zeppelin show.

The six of us put our heads together to predict what Zep tunes our favorite NFL personalties would request. We know, you're thinking, “great, another crappy list post.” But it was either this or I break out my theramin while Drew dons his unbuttoned half-shirt ala Robert Plant. NOW CRANK IT UP, FUCKERS!!!

Minnesota Vikings ______________________ Going to California

Trent Green _______________________ Dazed and Confused

Bill Belichick _____________________________ No Quarter

Travis Henry _______________________________ Moby Dick

Jason Campbell's mom _________________ Black Country Woman

Sterling Sharpe /John Madden _________________ Ramble On

Devin Hester _______________________ How Many More Times

Bart Scott _________________ Nobody's Everyone's Fault But Mine

Andre Gurode _____________________ Trampled Under Foot

Albert Haynesworth ______ Bron-Y-Aur Stomp (Ha-Y-Nes Worth Stomp?)

Cam Cameron ________________________ The (Cleo) Lemon Song

Vinny Testeverde _______________________ Achilles Last Stand

Jeff Garcia ________________________ In Through the Out Door

New Orleans Saints _________________ When the Levee Breaks (ouch)

Tony Romo's Mom ________________________ Living Loving Maid

Gene Upshaw _________ Black Dog (submitted by Bryant Gumbel)

Michael Irvin ________________________ Hats Off to (Alvin) Harper

Kurt Warner ___________________________ Houses of the Holy

Earl Campbell _________________________ Wearing and Tearing

Travis Johnson ___________________________ You Shook Me

Donovan McNabb ___________________________ Sick Again

Rex Ryan _____________________ Communication Breakdown

Chad Johnson ____________________________ Dancing Days

Rex Grossman/Kyle Orton__What Is And What Should Never Be (nice jinx, Punter)

Joe Gibbs ______________________ How Many More Time(out)s

Elisha Manning ____________________________ She's Just a Woman

Sav Rocca________________________________ Immigrant Song

Patriots, Dolphins ____________________ Good Times, Bad Times

Heinz Field _______________________________ The Rain Song

Shawne Merriman _________Physical Graffiti

Andy Reid _________________________________ Custard Pie

Bill Parcells __________________________ Babe I'm Gonna Leave You

Marvin Lewis __________________________ Hey Hey What Can I Do

Jon Kitna ____________________________ Stairway to Heaven

Al Davis ___________________________ In My Time of Dying

NBC's 'green' coverage producers___________________ Ozone Baby

Kevin Kolb __________________________ Your Time Is Gonna Come

Aikman appears to have a large faggot on his back. Hmmmm......

Usually, this is the part where we invite the commenters to add their own suggestions. But we have already RAWKED THEIR FACES OFF !!!!
(Makes metal fingers \m/ \m/ bangs head).

"But somehow, I beat them charges like Rocky"

Let's make one thing clear up front, I'm not saying I get stoned to the bejeezus belt, flunked a drug test and then bamboozled the commissioner into not suspending me. But IF I wanted to, it would have been pretty easy to do. Just follow these three easy steps.

1. Clean hair sample for testing? Wait until the Cutler kid gets out of the shower and fish some pubes out of the drain. This is much less confrontational than my previous method of hiding his pants and then ripping out a handful in the locker room.




2. You want to know how to pass a polygraph? Easy, just inseminate nine different women. Believe me, when you have knocked up as many honeys as I have you become a master in the art of deception real fast. I'm a lying fucking ninja. “The child support check is in the mail.” “I'll make it to your birthday party.” “Baby, I have no why that dude is trying to serve me with papers.” “Sure I remember your name, uh, kid.” “I'm gonna have a vasectomy in the off-season.” And so forth.
   




3. Last step, come up with some bullshit story about being exposed to some second-hand weedsmoke. But careful not to make Goodell think you hang with the wrong crowd. "I swear commissioner, I was walking to bible study when some guy who looked a lot like Selvin Young jumped out of the alley and exhaled his blunt right in my face."

"Contact high?" BWAHHAHAHAHA! Yeah, that cherry red Graffix bong with the dragon inlay and three foot extension contacted the shit out of my grill, yo. I like dragons. I wish I could breath fire. I'd be all, what's that Merriman, you trying to stop me? How 'bout I roast your ass like I was Godz-- um...uh, I mean, just say no to drugs, kids.

NFL PostSecret Week 14: Midden Truth

It's an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren't making money off their pain. That's only for the league to do.


NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It's also a satire parody of this.

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, December 5, 2007 11:01 AM

Put me on your dorm room wall.


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, December 4, 2007 4:31 PM

You'll each keep one and you'll like it.

Brokeback Namath

Seriously, man. I am the biggest g0ddamn gossip hound you ever saw. I just love Hollywood news. I follow it religiously because I have to be in tune with the "industry." If some starlet with lots of money and no real frame of reference on life breaks up with some fuckhead lead singer for some edgy band that I've never heard of, then I want the fucking SCOOP! And if there was an ice cream flavor named Maggie Gyllenhaal, you can bet your sweet ass that I'd...I don't really have an ending for that. But if I coulda worked in a callback with "scoop," it probably woulda been pretty awesome. Whoa.

No, so anyway, Variety.com is reporting that Maggie's brother, Joey Gyllenhaal has been tapped to play the lead in a motion picture about Joe Namath's life. You might remember Jack from that gay cowboy movie that was up for a bunch of awards a couple years ago, but it lost the Best Picture Oscar to that one movie where Matt Damon fingers that one chick during that traffic stop. But then, like she saw some dog in the road and flipped her SUV and so he had to rescue her from that burning car, so everything was cool after that.

But seriously, Fred Gyllenhaal is an amazing actor, and I'm sure this movie is going to be the bee's elbow. I mean, it's Joe Namath! I just hope that he gets that part locked up, and that he doesn't end up on one of those horrible Hollywood magazine shows with a DUI or something. Man, I'm glad this kinda stuff doesn't happen in sports.

NFL PostSecret Week 13: Secrets and Lies Not Just For Mike Leigh

It's an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren't making money off their pain. That's only for the league to do.

NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It's also a satire of this.


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Monday, November 26, 2007 11:01 AM

Karaoke Hero.


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, November 27, 2007 7:18 PM

Told ya so.

--S. Miller