It's About Damn Time These Baristas Got Their Ducks In A Row.

And not a moment too soon. I was growing weary of my tasty beverage alternative. Have you ever tried slurping whipped cream out of Keith Olbermann's asshole?

I Did It, Brett! I Made You Sportsman Of The Year!

Brett! Brett, my darling! Wonderful news! I got them to name you SI’s Sportsman of the Year! What a thrill! And you know why you won, Brett? Not just because you’re a great player, but also a great man. A great big man, with strong hands, and ruggedly handsome features. And such a broad chest. God, how I could just spend all day running my porky fingers through it. And kiss it. I lick banana schnapps off it.

Do you like your award? Do you? I got it just for you, Brett. Because I’m your #1 fan. No one loves you more than I do, Brett. And no one will EVER love you as I do. That’s why I got you this award. Now, maybe you can retire for good, and we can retire together to the lake. Would you like that? Would you?

What do you mean, you have to think about it? Think about what? I did it! We’re free now! We don’t have to hide! Or could it be that you actually want to spend more time with that floozy that you call a wife! Does she get you major awards, Brett? Does she give you pleasure the way I do? Does she give you a blowjob after sucking on five Altoids, like I do every morning? Only I do that for you, baby. You know she won’t do it for you. I let you play by your own rules, Bretty Bear. Just like on the field. Freelance all over me, baby. Freelance on my face.

What do you mean, you have to go? Is this the thanks I get? For helping you? For waiting for you all this time? HOW DARE YOU?! DON’T YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR!

I don’t need you, you know! I got Tony down in Dallas, and he treats me like a lady! And he smiles! When the fuck have you ever done anything nice for me? I give and I give and I give and I let you stick a Dirt Devil up my rectum. And what do I get in return?

FINE, GO! I HATE YOU! YOUR WIFE IS A WHORE, BRETT! THAT’S WHY I GAVE THE AWARD TO BRADY BEFORE I GAVE IT TO YOU! I LET HIM FUCK ME IN FRONT OF A MIRROR JUST YESTERDAY! AND UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, HE LASTED LONGER THAN THREE MINUTES! THEN I LET HIM HOOK UP A MILKING MACHINE TO ME!

(pulls down pants)

Take a good look at this ass, my lovely Brett. Would any other report wear a lacey t-back for you? Think about that tonight, you heartless prick.

GO!

LEAVE NOW!

Oh, God.

Oh, Brett. I just can’t say no to you. You know I’ll always love you, baby. Never leave me, baby. I adore you.

Sit back and relax baby. I’m going to give you a special treat.