Friday, April 11, 2008

Rick Reilly Gargles Cocksnot

You probably saw Drew’s eloquent remarks on Deadspin yesterday regarding Rick Reilly’s uninspired commentary about the sports blogosphere, followed by Drew’s subsequent deconstruction of the viewpoint of that “privileged journalist.” Despite being a bit light on homoerotica, Drew’s piece was, as usual, very good.

Too good, really.

Too often we bloggers look at the criticisms of the mainstream press as opportunities, as chances to prove that we are somehow deserving of our audiences, of being in the conversation. Often, this results in an overextension of prose and an overuse of reason. I SHALL SMITE YOU WITH COHERENT, THOUGHTFUL ARGUMENTS! And so we're left with a well-bundled acknowledgment of their bitching and moaning that those types don’t really deserve.

Drew may as well have been reading poetry to a pig yesterday. Reilly is a third-tier fuckhead that’s not worthy of a rational counter-argument. You know what he’s worthy of? Getting handcuffed to a bike rack and shit on. Literally speaking, he deserves a response in kind. And so, I present a little something I'd like to call Rick Reilly Gargles Cocksnot.


Rick Reilly thinks the Concorde is ruining the legacy of trans-Atlantic travel.

Rick Reilly thought Monty Python and the Holy Grail was “just okay.”

Rick Reilly speaks fluent Spanish, but finds it beneath him.

Despite having great access for the Masters, the excutive council at Augusta National insist on denying him entrance to any of the washrooms on the grounds, leaving him only a shallow latrine near the second fairway.

The council has also forbidden women from using this latrine. Mr. Reilly thinks this is bogus, but enjoys the amenities of the club too much to raise any sort of fuss.

Rick Reilly fucked Christine Penner. And loved it.

Rick Reilly is still unsure how those nets are keeping the moles out of Africa.

Rick Reilly thinks that, despite Tiger Woods’ Thai heritage, Phil Mickelson is tangier.

Rick Reilly’s nose is 0.017 inches (0.04318 cm) longer than his penis, so we’ve heard.

Rick Reilly wasn’t going to test Sammy Sosa's pee for steroids. He was just parched.

Rick Reilly owns two three-year-old chocolate Labrador Retrievers named “Blackie” and “Is Killing College Athletics.”

Rick Reilly once caddied for Michelle Wie without uttering “Me love you long time,” but later commented privately to friends about how well she added up her scorecard.

Rick Reilly credits his “humerous” style to former president Ulysses S. Grant.

Rick Reilly keeps 2 ounces of cocaine in his ass at all times, just in case Lawrence Taylor drops by.

And it’s not even in a bag. Gross!


naptown drew said...

Rick Reilly's BFF is Reggie Nelson.

[Bambi's brain explodes]

Pocket Doppler said...

Drew's comment in the Deadspin article about Noggin was priceless and frankly proved his point as that IS something I can relate to. And as the commentor there said...Moose and Zee can kiss my ass too.

Pemulis said...

yea, rick reilly doesn't know little bill from a hole in the wall. i would also like to say what an excellent compliment this is to the balls deep column.

Otto Man said...

Between this and Drew's masterpiece, I think Reilly's going to have to spend the weekend doing some real soul searching.

Maybe a trip to Vegas with Steinbrenner, T-Mac, and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Gourmet Spud said...

Rick Reilly fucked Christine Penner.

Of Penner and Tell fame? Gross!

Leaking Geek said...

Rick Reilly keeps 2 ounces of cocaine in his ass at all times, just in case Lawrence Taylor drops by.

What does he keep up his cock, in case Simmons drops by?

The Last Unitard said...

Ahh.. that's better. That serious discourse from yesterday really deflated my boner. At least somebody still knows how to shit on a towel around here.

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

Thanks for making me look up Christine Penner. Then making me envision Reilly fucking it.

/Betting Ms. Penner wishes penises grew on mice

peb said...

Well done. More Reilly hate please. I'm sick of people saying what a great sportswriter he is when he really is just an insufferable inveterate name dropper.

Otto, I would think the Reilly Vegas trifecta would be Jordan (to insinuate he's coming back to the NBA), Mickelson (because he's more fun than Tiger) and "good friend" (i.e. not gettin' any) Marissa Miller. That seems appropriately douchey to me.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Rick Reilly will send his food back to the kitchen as many as 3 times; when his waitress inevitably becomes irritable, he will use that to justify the 8% tip he leaves her.

JohnDewar said...

Hear, hear on the Reilly hatred. Most. Overrated. Writer. Ever.

If they wanted to catch Lance Armstrong in a doping scandal, they should have cotton swabbed Reilly's mouth. I'm sure there was enough of Armstrong's DNA there to do comprehensive testing.

Otto Man said...

Good point, peb.

I was trying to sandbag him with C-list sports celebs, but he'd probably try to maximize the name dropping douchebaggery.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Rick Reilly refuses to pay his underage hookers because he knows damn well that they can't go to the cops and file a formal complaint.

ckopech said...

Rick Reilly owns two three-year-old chocolate Labrador Retrievers named “Blackie” and “Is Killing College Athletics.”

I had to alt-tab away from KSK because I was laughing so hard and the boss was lurking

Animal Mother said...

Rick Reilly keeps 2 ounces of cocaine in his ass at all times, just in case Lawrence Taylor drops by.

So that's what Andy Reid's kids were doing, holding for LT. Thanks for clearing that all up.

jackin'4beats said...

We've got the whole wide world in our yard to explore...

Now it's time for us to have a snack, see you next time when we're baaaaaaaaack...

With your friends the backyardigaaaaaaannnsssss!!!!

Try getting that song out of your head now BDD. I can't so I believe you shouldn't either.

Mad Dog Fargo said...

I'm sure he's just upset because he realizes that the internet and consumer generated media are just the first part of a process that results in the means of production being redistributed among a much larger segment of the population than ever before, limiting his future potential earning and by proxy the reproductive advantage of his genes.

Oh, and I bet he swims in a pool full of dicks and (additional gay joke here).

Bronx33 said...

What reilly doesn't understand is just because somebody pays him and calls his a journalist doesn't mean hes a good journalist.