Tuesday, April 1, 2008

For Once It Wasn't Anton Chigurh

Shawne Merriman: Aw, fuck, again!? This is the second one that's been torched in the last few weeks. Can't be having this shit.

Dexter, man, you gotta help me out with this.

Dexter Morgan: Well, usually I only handle murders. This scene here, though, it's remarkably clean. Expertly done. Almost as though they're trying to send a message? But to whom?

Oh my God. There seems to be some sort of inscription here.

"Get hence, the hearse is at your door—the grim black stallions wait—
"They bear your clay to place to-day. Speed, lest ye come too late!
"Go back to Earth with lip unsealed—go back with open eye,
"And carry my word to the Sons of Men or ever ye come to die:
"That the sin they do by two and two they must pay for one by one,
"And . . . the God you took from a printed book be with you, Tomlinson!"

Okay. Okay. Before we jump to a quick conclusion here, I'd...

[Merriman charges off in a rage]

[Sigh] Just like my dad.

[Chargers training facility]

Tomlinson: What up, Shawne?

[Merriman slams him against locker]

Tomlinson: Aw, man, my threads, baby!

Merriman: Why make car go boom? Why make car two go boom?

Tomlinson: Your car? Shit. You think I did that? The fuck gave you that idea?

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!

LaKneeInjury, what've you done!? First you sabotage our team by being Gimpy Longstocking at the end of the year, now you go all Ralph Wiggum on our personal property? I have half an ACL to take this boot up your ass.

Is this how you thank one of our defensive stalwarts? Huh? Is it? Huh? FUCK YOU

And, hey, loogit what I found here in LaArsonist's locker:

Oh, howdy there, Professor Gas Can. What's that, teach? Holding a lecture on a practicums of SUV explosivity?

Think you're so secure now that Michael Turner's gone, you can go what you want, Viceroy Vizio? WELL YOU CAN'T, COCKBAG! I WON'T HAVE YOUR POWER GRAB!

Tomlinson: No, no, that's that mine. I've never seen that. I couldn't!

Rivers: Je accuse, LT! Je buttfucking accuse! Your visor can't hide your guilt, dammit!


Norv Turner: [Entering] Hey, Phil, what'd you say you needed this vehicle registry for team members for?

Rivers: ...




[Throws down smoke bomb. It suspends in the air for about 25 seconds, taking a few loops, before gently touching down]

Rivers: Bwahahahaha!

Tomlinson: You wanna just go to his house and bang his wife?

Merriman: Sure, why not?


Winston B. Mcpotsworthy said...

Ah, it's so nice. Could use some proofreading, who is editing today? [Door flies open] would mean a lot to me.

dead account said...

Ehhh, I think Marmalard is starting to wear thin. Although, I did just finish reading this so I could just be getting depressed about the script format being overused in blogs.

/just as guilty of overusing script format

Christmas Ape said...

fitting in while doing work means some sloppiness. made some edits and added the flying doors and such

aarong said...

@miyamotos chin

this marmalard post brightened my depressing emo eagles fan day. this is awesome stuff, oh it aint wearin thin

Winston B. Mcpotsworthy said...

You're a gentleman and a scholar.

smurphette said...

A little [Door flies open] always hits the spot. Ape, you're doing the Lord's work.

the great bambi said...

only thing missing was marmalard shouting "NINJA VANISH" when he threw the smoke bomb

leaf said...

"Je buttfucking accuse!"


Otto Man said...

Tomlinson: You wanna just go to his house and bang his wife?

[vag flies open]

Leaking Geek said...

Gimpy Longstocking

Pure Gold.

Animal Mother said...

Just what I needed to get me thru to the NFL draft, a little "Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!" from Marmalard.

Claude Balls said...

You really expect me to believe that Philip Rivers has read Kipling? I am not even sure he can read. He went to NC Fuckin' State.

Colts and Hoosiers Fan said...

This made my day since Dan fucking Dackich just fucked IU basketball in the ass.....without lube.

gone said...

This is going a long way into convincing me to purchase that [Door flies open] t-shirt finally.

Unknown said...

i second the applause for "je accuse.. je buttfucking accuse"

Kyle321N said...

Bravo, sir. You have out done yourself Ape.

DC said...

I could go for some kind of "Jay Cutler has an opinion about everyone" post. Not that anything he said wasn't true, but he came off as very self-righteous.

And I applaud [vag flies open].

Kim & Dic said...

is that a big zit on his lip?? hmm stress perhaps..

Unknown said...

I really should ask somebody.

A Mischevious Beaver said...

Like a fine wine, these jokes get better with age.